Thursday 15.09.2011

It’s not fair. Why do good people suffer?

It was like a sign from God when Andr… (name not worth mentioning) A.M., the smoker sat next to me in the bus this morning. (She said from now on she’s saving a place for Barbara G.. That means one prospective place less for me.) In school, before we had logic, I moved next to Barbara. Last year I sat with the smoker, and this month I decided to sit with Barbara on logic, philosophy, math and English. The smoker said to me that I would sit on her place when I returned because she “couldn’t” move. (She moved to my place “those” lessons to be closer to Sarah.) I said “Why? Couldn’t you sit there all the time?” Virginia and Denise were looking at me probably because I looked A. in eyes. The smoker didn’t want to sit alone. Barbara said “Now let’s see how it’s like to sit alone”. I didn’t want to think of that, but I did. Even on the lesson when I stood up I read “logisticians”, instead of “logicians”. “What am I gonna do?” My ultimate option was to sit at the last row with the boys. Logic finished, math finished and I went with my book and notebook to A.’s. Asked her “Will you sit there?” –“Yes”. “Adele (the professor) knows that I sit there.” Sarah got involved (as she usually gets involved) “If you sit here, sit on all lessons”. “I can’t sit because I’m afraid of Stacey (the logic and philosophy professor). Barbara said “I said to him ‘do you want to sit here?’ he said ‘I’m fine’” then Denise said “He is grown enough to decide where he’ll sit”. Powerless, I had to surrender. I agreed to sit next to A., except for Stacey’s lessons.

-What can Stacey do to you? – Sarah asked me.

I thought “Same what you can. Look me in eyes”. They won. What could I do? I could have freaked out, but why? They would have won anyway. And so, wanting to make a good deed (alright, I wanted to sit there because I wanted the first year to revive, but if Barbara hadn’t called me, I wouldn’t have gone there), I turned out to be a villain again.

At home I thought about a possible revenge to A., but I gave up, because I’m a Christian… and I have three photos of hers at a gas station somewhere in Italy depicting her SMOKING. Her family already knows, but the professors don’t and I could have left my school computer on with the most controversial photos while the professor walks through the classroom…

Another thing that let me down that day was on the English lesson. We had two exercises for homework and I didn’t write the second one. I told Sarah that I didn’t write it, because “I didn’t want the others to rewrite it from me, because sometimes only I and Mary raise hands.” The exercise was about synonyms in context and we needed to replace the words with their appropriate substitution. I don’t know if the devil (the real one) made me to, or I heard Tiffany speaking about the issue, I downloaded the teacher’s book with all the exercises solved. The two “sitters” next to me wrote from there to their books. Even they looked which answer I will select from the offered ones. On the substitution for “lie” I wrote “manipulate” and it was given mislaid because I wanted it to be written as my idea. On the lesson when its turn came, I noticed that only I and A. were raising hands. Molly (the professor) asked me. I read “Advertisements are not allowed to lie, but they manipulate us in subtle ways.” Molly said “Manipulate is not quite…”

-Mislaid.

It wasn’t me. Who, do you think said it? Sarah. Molly said the most correct word according to her… I was surprised by the situation, so I didn’t remember it. And said that “mislaid” is also good. “Manipulate” “had” a similar meaning. So what? At least IT WAS my idea. I could have said the right word, but I didn’t dare, because I didn’t know it before, because it would have been cheating because I’m a CHRISTIAN. Who is Sarah to correct (and don’t try to say she wasn’t correcting me (write ur own diary, then criticize me)) me? She declares herself as Christian. She did it with my help, but here it is important what was said, not what was done, nor what was thought. For your information she misspoke “mislaid”. I just wanna know: what would you have done if you were her and what, if you were in my shoes?

I regretted. My thoughts were “It’s not fair. It’s not FUCKING fair. It wasn’t.