Monday 10.12.2012

Snow. It was frozen.

The bus for the Mines was late. I was late too. They probably saw me.

On the way to Campus 2 I saw Ergin and said: “Ergin! Hi!”. Bobby and Fred just looked. A silent “Hi” sounded from me.

At 10:00 the 1st group was already in lecture room 10. I said “Hi” to Reis & co., which wasn’t returned. I sat in the 4th row, but Gulben me asked why I didn’t sit in the 3rd, so I moved there.

A colleague from Valandovo had a sex chat with the it girl and Marcus. The it girl called his penis “bum-bam-bum”. He said he would cry for a girl to forgive him. He shared he dated a girl who is 1st year high school adding that he plans to have sex with her until New Year.

Gulben focused her attention on me, Reis went out. Andrea called me to return the notebook and told me to sign Nelson Allberry. OK. I had no time for explaining. If I wanted to refuse, she’d say why I signed for the first Maths lecture. Ughh. I’m waiting after my diary’s published. Muhammed arrived.

Andrea said Gulben to sign her, and I – Nelson II who came. Al called colleagues to hang him out. I went forward. Andrea told jokes from Damon’s birthday party like bathing the crocodile and closing the giraffe in a cage! It’s not funny, grow up. Haha. I left as soon as Dave stood up. Andrea left. I talked to Gulben.

Dave joked that Muhammed’s old phone looked like an IPod.

Muriel returned my exercises and thanked me.

We were released from L.A. early (11:10) as it was our last lecture.

I said nothing to the it girl on the road.

Benjamin didn’t call me. Let it be. He’s not my friend.

At F.E.S. I asked Gulben if she was cheerful to the Christmas tree in the hall, she wasn’t.

On B.P. I missed some members from my group.

We were released at 12:28.

I suggested to Muriel to walk together. I asked her if we would have practices the next time. She went to eat.

On the road I walked with Muhammed – I called him “bro”. Benjamin and another guy were in front of us. Benjamin left to a relative, but asked Muhammed what direction he would take.

Muhammed and the other guy didn’t quite speak in order I to feel endangered.

He told me he’s leaving to Turkey with his brother after the exams and he’s not coming back! Is it good?

In the bus I said hi to Andie. Dustin sat next to me.

Pretty normal day.

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07.12.2012 – 09.12.2012

Friday 07.12.2012

In the bus I said “Hi” to my ex-classmate Sarah. Andrea sat next to me. Imagine, she forgot to copy the Math notebook I gave her two days ago. She didn’t bring it with her because she overslept. What kind of irresponsibility is that?

In Campus 2, my colleagues still haven’t entered in lecture room 1. Now I was the one who was supposed to say something to them. Thomas was in my horizon.
I said:
-Good morning. Thomas.
But he wasn’t looking at me.
I leaned on the wall alone where there was place although I later spotted Dave further.
When I looked at Thomas, he was looking at me.
-For the doll?
-Yes.
He told me he had ordered it.

Again I was alone, but this time I was happy. I have missed my usual Fridays at the beginning. So, my mood made a come back. Nostalgia…

After I.T. I and Muhammed shook hands plus I greeted the it girl. If I hadn’t said first, there would be nothing.

I went down the road during the break. Alone again. Maybe I should give up my current target and redirect on the studying again that I do best.

In the faculty, I mistook the hall. Dave joined me. He was rushing the Electrotechnics seminar work, but I was considering it was early.

There was a woman holding a sheet in lecture room 12. The place I chose to sit was busy, so I took the other column, not seeing it was Nelson II next to who there was a free chair that Dave utilised. I went to the woman asking what is it, it was a brochure about students’ going to America the next summer. Thomas asked me if I was fine and while the audience listened and watched, Muriel asked the exercises from me (“just to see how many are there”, but kept them).
-A you don’t give them to me. – Thomas objected.
-You don’t ask. – I defended myself, although neither Muriel had asked them from me.

Après the woman’s Work & travel in America presentation et après the brief tasks presentation by three colleagues (Vanessa, some Tara and Nelson II), Nelson answered me that he found his task from the Internet, then Muriel addressed me:
-Nick, when are you leaving?
-Ооо. – William’s reaction sounded.
-At 15 to 12.
I went to her. Encouraged by William I asked:
-And you when?
-At 12 and 10.
-No business. You won’t leave together.
A romantic connection. Is there a chemistry between us?

Christy got interested whose were the sheets on the desk, Muriel interrupted her:
-Don’t touch ‘em. They’re Nick’s.
-Аа, well I thought someone forgot them.
Ooo. Fear from the “Terminator”.

Muriel and Emily went at the assistant office, I waited for them in the hall. One of the tasks presenters asked me if Muriel’s going to show me some task, I asked her where she found the task – she invented it!

Muriel and Emily came out. They were inside to inquire about the seminar work.

Downstairs, Muhammed saw me walking with two girls. I didn’t have balance, but this time this situation was different from high school.
-Bro, what are you doing? – he asked me.
-I’m walking.

The girls sat on the chairs, Tara commented that I was shy to ask Muriel about the task, to which Muriel replied that I knew it, and I was sincere that I didn’t, but will learn it at home. “Ay, ay…” followed from Muriel addressed to Tara. I joined them, Muhammed went outside entrusting me his notebook. Benjamin and his friends passed, saying nothing to me. Of course, what else can I expect? But when he’s alone he comes back to me. It is correct to stay away from people who everything they do, do for self-glory, and not God’s.

Muhammed was teaching Muriel Turkish on a funny way.

Muhammed offered me to go to disco with him, where there were a lot of Turkish girls, but:
-No. – I denied.
-Is there some problem?
-There is.
-Why?

-I won’t tell you why.
But I did say when he wasn’t looking at me.
-Because of the religion.
Muriel heard me.
-Do the Turkish woman wear scarfs?
-They don’t. I think.
To those that’d say I don’t have to marry one if just go out with her, I say that love isn’t unserious thing in my life.

51Kc+a84akL._UX342_Muriel and I went towards the copy shop. Once again she was interested about the Turkish women and wearing scarfs. I explained her what we learnt History: Kemal Mustafa Ataturk (a.k.a. Father of the Turks) passed law which prohibited one man having multiple women and law for women removing fez and veil. She told me all the Turkish words she knows, including a curse in Arabian. In the copy shop it was crowded and we were waiting for our turn while she was selecting what (not) to copy. She asked me if she could fold an almost empty sheet as a sign not to copy, something that in sixth grade I wouldn’t have allowed at all, I approved. I added that the woman in the copy shop where I had been, asked me whether to put the last sheet. Muriel hesitated, before suggesting me to go to wait for the bus, then there she to return the exercises or on Monday if I have left as her phone was saying 12:41. I agreed and went to wait where Nelson II came as well.

Later, Sarah came to Zlox. There were a few students in the bus (only Stanley from the Mines).

In Sarah’s opinion I should transfer from the other group since part of this group has seen me nervous. No, it’s OK now. It wasn’t and it’s not as serious as I thought it would be. After a week the pain flares up again, but only when I think of the event. Besides, at least in our group it looks like there isn’t as much jealousy and hypocrisy as in the first one. Just remember of: Benjamin, Tim, Nelson 1, even Andrea… No.

In addition she assumed my Facebook friends would have been shocked if I was tagged in the photo in the group from last Thursday when they would see me only with males! Things change 🙂

 

Saturday 08.12.2012

St. Clement of Ohrid.

One year ago on this holiday, I got assured in what I desired as a gift from God – my sexuality was changed! One year after the miracle.

 

Sunday 09.12.2012

Sammy visited me. I studied, it was without heavy talks.

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Thursday 06.12.2012

[The text is based on notes.]

While I was walking in Stip, a girl from the opposite side of the street showed me a sign to come and said “Come”. Who was she? Should I smile? When I came closer it turned out she was from a TV with a cameraman. She asked me:tv_star
-Do you watch “Ask the major?” on TV STAR?
-I’m not from there. – I answered.
She told me that despite it, I could ask him for example if there would be a New Year celebration on the square and if he’d additionally decorate before New Year. I said “Wait to devise”, then when the camera turned on I said I wanted to ask the mayor if there would be a New Year celebration. They were looking at me. It was my first talking to a TV camera experience. I said “town” instead of “square” looking at the camera. The man stopped recording, the girl thanked me. A woman commented “You don’t have luck”.
I was happy. They made me.

On the faculty, in the hall I saw the Turkish colleague with a poor Macedonian language knowledge, who was looking at me. Nothing. We were sitting separately. However, he approached me:
-Excuse me, are You waiting for Electrotechnics?
-Yes.
He wanted to know when did it start and sat next to me. I appreciate that he dared. I asked him if he was from Turkey, he told me he was from Izmir. I asked which group he was from. He had some work from the morning. I stated I hadn’t seen him until then, except on B.P.. He asked me when was the colloquium. He suggested to talk in English, which we briefly did. He was interested which group he was in for the B.P. project.

Nelson 2 arrived with Reis & co. as he went on the Maths practices with the first group. I asked him what did he leave with the previous day, he answered he didn’t, having stayed at a friend’s place. Reis was looking at me. The Turk went away. After we entered in A.2, I targeted and sat again on the same position, Reis wanted I to decide first and this time he decided one place next to the one in front of me. Al sat next to him again. The Turk came in the same row – one seat away from me. I asked him where he had been, he didn’t understand. I asked why I’ve only seen him on B.P.. Nelson 2 was looking at me twice. The Turk told me his diopter was 7 and 14.

After Dave entered, he greeted with his hand almost everyone but me. When he came on his old place close to me, I said he didn’t want to do it with me, he rejected it.

Vanessa’s best friend said that Boki 13 is Terminator.

On Electrotechnics the Turk, whose name is Berge, asked Benjamin to tell him the colloquium dates, thing that Benjamin started to talk first. He knew 3(!) and he wrote them to him. OK. I just dislike it. He doesn’t do it because he’s good, he does it in order to affirm himself, putting himself above the others. He doesn’t do it for God.

Calling me Nicky (there it was, now Nicky when he has use), Benjamin asked me for a piece of paper. I didn’t have, but I but I tore from another notebook ‘cos I’m good.

The colleague Pete arrived next to Dave. He greeted me with his hand.

Muhammed took the place next to me. He spoke often to Berge. He said he was sick for 7 days. I asked him if he recovered, he didn’t. I was bored.

Andrea wasn’t even looking at me.

Muriel and Reis discussed getting the Electrotechnics exercises saying that the employee at the copy shop near the faculty is an “airhead” and that it was expansive there.

Muriel wasn’t looking at me. When she finally did, I waved her and asked if she made the seminar work, she told me “Almost”. I thought to stand up (and to say “I have a desire for you (and she for Reis)), but soon the lecture started.

Reason for no colloquium results: Getting dark early, the van shook…

I was sad. Berge smiled to me, but that wasn’t it. Muhammed asked me:
-Bro why are you pensive?
-I’m bored.
-To come in Turkey.
-OK. I want to. But later.

Reis shouted after Andrea while she was leaving.

After we were released, in the hall I walked with Muhammed and informed him I had practices, not him.

In lecture room 3 Pete told me to keep a place. I was so good that I moved a place voluntarily for his friend. Thomas asked me where I was, to which I responded he was gone or late. Then he asked if I was stronger than him and after I negated, he wanted us to do arm wrestling adding that he would relent. I refused, but he was persistent. He confirmed to me that he would relent, so I accepted. It started slow, the audience was on, I strengthened myself. It was hard, in the end he used the tried trick to pull towards him quickly, making him win. OK. It was cheating. I’m not disappointed, it’s very normal. I’m better at other things. He is strong, something that he has been doing his whole life, I lost weight like a real lady. Subconsciously I have said: I wanna fuck him.

Thomas commented that I was really strong, then repeated something about fucking up if we did it when he intended last Friday. I just couldn’t remember what have I said. Now, at home I think maybe it was “You’re very weak”, but it was just they to see my resourcefulness.

Thomas wanted to see if my cut had passed. One year old wound to pass in one week? Anyway, I showed it to him. He asked if it was scary and said I should go ahead to see how the blood would splash. He understood scary as serious, not scary for looking at. I don’t care. I did it just for attention. I felt neglected. A woman was lying in my room and didn’t care about my feelings. It’s my fault I gave so much significance to both: grandma R. and Barbara. Anyway, spirituality matters.

After hearing Muriel that she ate her [New Year] package, I expressed interest about who was it from, it was from her parents.

I was alone on the pause. I erased the board. Peter asked me “Nicky where are you?” and “Are you OK?”.  Hahaha, like a special case treatment. Now he was alone!

I told Muriel I heard her and Reis talking about the Electrotechnics exercises which I had, offering to give them to her. We arranged I to bring them the next day she to copy them. Even the evil me would do that. I’d do her favors in order to feel indebt enough towards me so that she couldn’t oppose me. Anyway, goodness wins.

I went with Dave on the waiting area. The high school students could see me with a friend. Thomas, Muriel and Emily arrived. Thomas shared his girlfriend called him in the middle of the lesson, then asked me:
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-No.
-You want to?
-Yes.
-A doll.
-Big one.
-Big, what kind of?
-Like Muriel. – Emily said what I wanted to, I just repeated it.
Thomas told me it would cost me 500 denars and that he would send it to me on Facebook to see it. He said that no one can fuck me. I was ready for revenge. I was suggested to hit him, but I leave it to God. Thomas revealed he weighted 85 kilos. I didn’t believe it. That’s why he won over me. I was 60, Muriel had 57. She offered Thomas to take her, but acted scarily of him. I said I would defend her, so she went behind me. I asked if the doll is alive, Thomas confirmed, to which Dave laughed. He doesn’t understand: We were both frivolous, but eventually will get it.
It occurred to Thomas it could wear undies from her grandma, I accepted and he added I’d undress it. He asked if I wanted it to be female, I confirmed, then asked about male, I denied, but when he asked about female again, I didn’t answer.
I waved after I sat in the bus.

Home, I had a Facebook friendship request from Naomi Uzzle. I offered to Emily – accepted, later I received another one: Benjamin. Finally I had him.

The evening I posted on Ni:
“I’m just testing you, and I leave the revenge to God.
While some pay back immediately, I patiently hope that you will be still saved.
I don’t mean anything bad to you, and I know well that someday you will be ashamed of yourself, of me and most importantly, of God.
Until then, your gossipings and accusations don’t personally hurt me, but you hurt your Creator with that.
Make it easy: don’t speak in codes, I know who you refer when you mention Boki 13 anyway, especially accompanied with the word “Terminator”. I don’t see well, but know that I hear you. I recommend you not to waste your time with me, finally find your “self” – grow up.
Will you understand the basis of life for once or will you continue to be Christians only on word? Religion is not relaxation, it’s obligation, a way of life. No matter how much evil you are towards me, I will endure for God to see your maximum!
Every honor for those with a high level of spirituality.”

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Wednesday 05.12.2012

Andrea didn’t climb in the bus.
It was a promising day.

I went to wait alone from the back door, but:
-Nick, come!
It was Muhammed. I went with him and found out that he wasn’t aware of the early beginning. A surprise was waiting for me – Nelson I was sitting near the front door and was looking at me. Despite it, I obeyed Muhammed to sit on the other chairs. I just stated that Nelson was late too. (Chat: Metrosexual (earrings), he’s sleeping – he’s pretending to, did you recover?) Nelson stayed there, Muhammed and I went to walk. Other colleagues were waiting from the back door. Sarah and I hied each other. Inside, learning Nelson II’s row was completely busy, I went forward. Gulben told me where is available. After a little chat with Gulben, the green folder a seat next to me matched its owner – Nelson I who entered with Benjamin and Tim. It’s not just my game – their friendship gets shaked-up too. The third factor.

Nelson I was so close with Muriel that they kind of showed signs of violence jokingly. Nothing strange: The devil must use something to attract people. One day everything will be known…

After the pause, after we had some IAESTE and after Gwen brought us the list, Nelson I was looking for his pen, I offered him mine, but he pulled out his. Think he got me? I just acted like a real Christian…

As I have outlined since yesterday, I signed for 24th of November too. Perhaps the professor saw me, but that was in my style. After he signed, Benjamin asked me:
-Nick will Andrea come?
“Nick”, a? I’m glad that I had already changed my opinion about him.
-No.
-Should we sign her?
-I don’t know.
… but I nodded, not to raise suspicion.
-I signed her. – Tim sounded.

During the narration, Nelson was turning my book.

Unfortunately we didn’t have a second pause, we finished with the material for the colloquium.

In the hall, I was walking close to Muriel.
-Muriel. Muriel.
-Hi.
I don’t want just “hi”.
-You’re making yourself important again.
-I’m not making myself important.
-Е what are you making yourself?
I asked her if we would have additional Maths and when. Steven joined her and asked her whether to defend her. Scratch, scratch. She confirmed.

Downstairs, I stood at the circle of colleagues. I decided to talk to Gulben about New Year’s Eve. While we were walking towards the other building, Trevor was walking behind us. I’m glad I have meaning to Gulben.

In the lecture room, I sat alone. The it girl and Nelson II were sitting together in the 2nd row, and later they had swapped the seat so that the it girl was sitting closer to the board. I wondered if after all there was truth in Andrea’s words about her. She had probably asked Nelson as he’s quiet… She was using him? She wouldn’t say such a thing to me. At one point I leaned my head on the desk… I lost hope that someone would call me.

Eventually, Dave moved next to me.

On the way out Victoria (Tag: the beginning), who obviously teaches some subject, and I said “Hello” to each other. She smiled me. So, the first thing that the others remember me of at the beginning and which I made impression with to them was the smile. Now it’s gone. Normally, I was full of hope. Not coincidently, the first year is my favourite from high school. I guess either my criteria from the beginning until now are lowered, or the others weren’t causing same happiness to me anymore or I got disappointed or altogether.

After the exit Douglas asked me where would I go. Nelson was sticking to him. Yes, this is very likely: They met very recently and Nelson II immediately considers him as a close friend. And I forgot they studied together. Wow!

I saw Benjamin, Dave and others standing at the gate. Of course, I just passed over them because I already treat Benjamin like Tim.  Proof that I’m right about the attitude? He didn’t say anything to me either. I feel sorry for him.

On passing by me, the it girl asked me where was I.
-Today we didn’t see each other.

-Well you should have come to me.
-Why me?
I couldn’t hear her. I went to wait.

Nelson II never arrived, but the other Nelson was approaching. I knew he wouldn’t come next to me, he wasn’t a real Christian, he probably wanted to revenge me… but he…
-Nelson.
-Nick what are you leaving with?
-With the bus.
-With the bus. Let it be. Nice.
-And what are you leaving with?
-I with taxi.
He wasn’t standing next to me, but in front of me. He can’t be bad with me, he’s afraid of my cousin Steven and how much different we could be? Surprisingly later he asked me if I had “for beeping”, I had as I was on T-mobile subscription, but he was looking for Vip.
-Fuck it up. Fuck it up.
OK.
At least he didn’t censor himself in front of me. I appreciate this. He wasn’t like the others that when in presence of others, they choose others, and when we are alone intensively talk to me. Only the first part applies to him and I appreciate his sincereness.

When the bus arrived, I quietly murmured “come on” which he assumingly didn’t hear, because I know he wouldn’t say anything in my place. In the bus, I intentionally sat from his side.

In Preevytip, I decided not to go at the dentist for a check-up. Because of the weather and because of the mood.

As soon as I got off, somebody called me:
-Nick.
Was it Stanley? I went at him. It was George who didn’t look like himself with his new haircut and thinness. We went with the same taxi.

At home, Andrea called me. She said Nelson I, not Tim said he would sign her B.P. Probably I didn’t recognise the voice. Anyway she notified that she would come at my place to tell her which lessons she should study Maths from the senior year.

I saw Al from the window, he was looking at me house, but was it at me? Well he was wondering that Andrea was coming to my place.

The window was opened.

I showed readiness to smile, he did too and spoke to me:
-Bro, you are gonna get greased now.
Bro!? We aren’t even friends!
I was showing “no” with my finger.
-I won’t get greased. (smiling) She’s coming for something else.
-Ааа you will.
-(Showing with the left hand now) I won’t get greased. (pause)
-You go to faculty?
Interest in me. If I am not popular by myself, the others will make me.
-Yes.

Andrea stayed briefly. Honestly I didn’t know what else to do.

5th of December – M.’s birthday
Things between us have changed since last year.

In the evening, on Ni, I shared:
As long as there are people that I make happy,
as long as I’m steeping the right path,
as long as there is someone that I mean to,
as long as I keep surprising you,
as long as you spend your time on me,
as long as you don’t learn all the letters and words from your mother tongue,
as long as your self is lost in the image of the others,
as long as you respect wrong values,
as long as Jesus for you is just a historical figure,
as long as you don’t accept that God is stronger than you,
as long as you are afraid of me,
as long as you don’t grow up,
I AM NOT GONNA CHANGE!
As long as you always come back to me….

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Tuesday 04.12.2012

Once again I was late. I waited with Benjamin to enter on the pause. He asked me if Andrea would come, I denied as I didn’t see her, but she came. While explaining some driving experience of his to her, Benjamin showed his middle finger twice accompanied with two fingers as he did to his driving instructor if I understood well. She asked what did we do the previous day and suggested to find the Maths book from senior year, to which I asked her if she gave her sister’s one to Mary. Benjamin, you can’t beat me here.  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are HORROR to me. Dave Kushner and Dustin also waited for the pause.

After we entered, Andrea asked Mike, who said “Nicky” to me, if the place next to him was free, but Alison sat there. I sat next to an unknown colleague. Tim just passed by me without saying anything. I didn’t have who to rewrite what I missed before the pause from. I couldn’t ask from Munin as he doesn’t understand. Joseph was rewriting… Finally, before I started writing the new material form the board, I asked the colleague next to me to see from her notebook how much space I should leave, she allowed me. Was I sad?

On the second pause, while Tim was passing by me to get out of the row, my body touched his ass, to which I raised my eyes.

I noticed that a twin, Mike, Vanessa’s best friend and Thomas were probably talking about me indicated by Mike’s turning towards me, then looking at me again.

Muhammed arrived.

After Math, I was alone again. The girls next to me have moved back.

I asked Gulben to rewrite from her while Muriel was staring at me along with another girl. I said “I don’t have who else from”, Nelson II was far.

Muhammed sat next to me – they always come back. About the reason for his absence the previous day, he answered he was sick.

It occurred to Thomas to throw a chalk towards me and he said that if I didn’t catch it, I wasn’t a man. He threw it, I failed.

I left with Munin in the hall.

On the waiting area I waited with Nelson I and II, Andrea, Mike and Dave. Mike asked me if I would drink tea, I said no and also refused beer. He asked Andrea the same, she accepted both. Alison came and we went to a catering place where I ordered tea. Mike actively talked to me. Before that my day was boring – it wasn’t long, nor interesting. He asked me if the mine works and said I was his best friend. “Best” meaning the closest or the nicest? He told I sent him the solved I.T. exercises for e-studying attaching after asking for them. Again he said that Muhammed is gay, then talked about his coming to Preevytip, not to Zlox. I decided to give a second chance to Muhammed. The tea cost 30 denars. Andrea commented “What didn’t we do in high school”.

Before climbing in the bus, Derek V. confirmed to me Ethan had dropped from faculty. I asked him why, he said it was because it was hard to him.

Home, Muriel had reached the level for I to offer her a Facebook friendship request. She didn’t accept it. Sushi had posted in the group that the B.P. seminar projects were published which was seen by Muriel and I was tagged to be in a group with unknowns. I offered her again – she had seen the post by Nick Nickson from the Mines 2 again not accepting me. I sent her a third request – this time she gave up – accepted. She doesn’t know who she is messing with. I know multiple Facebook passwords.

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Monday 03.12.2012

[The text for the following two days is based on notes.]

 

Handicaps day.

My neighbor Al asked me where I would go.

In the bus there were Melanie Collins and Barbara Griffin who briefly chatted with me.

Nelson II and I were late on the L.A. practices.

Thomas called me, I refused to chat with him.

In lecture room 10 while talking to me, Gulben said “reflesh” instead of “refresh”.

Sandra had torn her jeans and Reis tried to console her.

I felt very little ticklish.

Muhammed was absent.

It was raining, so on the way to F.E.S. the it girl came under my umbrella. She said she was a bit fat to which I responded “Not true”. In my mind I “played” “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

My colleagues didn’t say anything to me about my Friday outburst. They had understandment.

I was alone, but I was truly happy.

Monday is my favourite faculty day.

It was snowing lightly in the evening.

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01.12.2012, 02.12.2012

Saturday 01.12.2012

I woke up early. The thought of escaping to a monastery returned to me. I prayed to be better, mum told me a counselor spoke on Sitel TV about the happiness. We should go on after our failures.

Why the big bad events must happen before weekends? After my shame with Adele I explained how it all started, there’s no need now, you know it.

After the winter’s event, I noted every contact with Adele, will it be that way with the colleagues too?

When I was shaken after the quiz, I thought that my chest hurt, now I know that the pain came from my heart. It was constantly present, fortunately it was smaller than the one in January. It was because I knew she is worth, for the present colleagues I’m not sure at all. I wished at least Dave not to have been there. Dave and Nelson, OK, and Muriel with Thomas were the only audience that I considered for friends. The big plus side: I was seen by less than a quarter of all the colleagues (with Business Computer Studies). I maintain that I’m closer and more accepted by the first group. Even without that my opinions about Dave and Nelson II were falling. I know Dave would gossip to his friends… ooops friend (Thomas) that I’m crazy, but he would do that because he’s lost i.e. doesn’t have own self and for his opinion must consult someone else. With an uncertain exception, Dave has never called me by name. Anyway he won’t detach from me quickly: we are together Electrotechnics. I must say nobody, except Thomas from the present ones had a friendly relationship towards me as it should be. What do I lack for Nelson II to surrender to Dave? Do the ignorings from Muriel’s side can be called friendship? And the others, instead after my difficult past to be forthcoming, they got distanced from me if they were ever showing signs of closeness.

I chose to hide my father’s mistakes, forcibly my genitals served for somebody’s fun, I laid in hospital twice, I antisocialised, I got disappointed from love, I admitted I was gay, I presented a private quiz to a married professor I fell in love with… this is just another shame of mine… And what else could be expected from me?

How was I supposed to act after this? Why didn’t I stop myself choosing God? How could I even think the whole situation to be more important to me than His principles? Why didn’t I surrender to him? Simply, I didn’t know to make decisions properly. Yes, well I hid my Christianity from them, and the devil attacked me right there…

When I confessed to my first love about my sexuality she told me to choose one: either homo either hetero, not bi. Unfortunately I practiced partial Christianity. What if I had chosen the devil? If I didn’t have money I’d have sex, if I didn’t have sex, I’d have evil… They make worse sins than mine, but none of them experiences this…  I thought I’d chosen spirituality, but I didn’t stay consistent…

I wanted to give up, like I didn’t feel anything… I was on the edge of falling in depression… But no, I wasn’t allowing Satan to succeed in his plan.

My latest shame perhaps was closer to my coming out than to my impoliteness with Lady Adele. On 02.02.2011 I didn’t admit in front of everyone, and after that day there was only one comment about the event. After all, I still am Nick Paulson. I underestimated myself, I almost never act without a plan. I forgot to lean on my strongest trumps: the diary and the religion. They think they know me now? I’m just getting started. Two months for me were enough to create opinion about them. Whatever they talk about me, the deeds prove that now they have greater respect towards me at least in my presence and I can recognise whether it’s hypocrisy. If I want I can predict what they consider me like, using supernatural power. You are familiar with my guessing about Miranda’s lottery, and I’m telling you that that way I busted the classmate in the first year for blaming me to Brenda. You don’t believe me? Someone had snitched me in order the president of the class Brenda to complain to the head teacher again for my notes of their talks in my notebooks. I wished I dreamt the responsible person on my next sleeping. It didn’t happened on my nap that day, but the next morning in a dream I saw a short smiling girl sitting in front of the board. “Don’t you know her?” – a voice was asking me. I thought it was Mary according to the hairstyle, but later when I woke up I realised she was blond: Denise. It made sense, she was sitting behind me. I asked Brenda, she confirmed. Denise. You don’t know who you are messing with. Of course, I choose Christianity that forbids fortune telling, but if I lose control…

Whatever they do, they can’t hit my soul. So, feel free to attack.

It was Dave(colleague)’s  birthday, but he had hidden it on Facebook. Probably not to treat. And then I’m crazy?

In the evening from the window I saw Brian walking with someone. That someone was probably his cousin Dave (from the mines). He was smoking. I believe he’s not afraid to do it in public now as he’s 18.

I never wrote that Sarah (c.) saw Brian smoking by their school and he’d published a Facebook picture related to smoking earlier.

Btw Andrea called me to ask me if I knew the number of the Preevytip bus station. Wanted some people to admit or not, I mean to someone. As long as people I love the most, the priest and God love me, I won’t give up, regardless of how bad I feel.

 

Sunday 02.12.2012

Rain.

I felt a bit better.

Everything has a plus side, right?

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Friday 30.11.2012

Once upon a time there was an antisocial teenager with huge desire to find friends. He cried and wept and sobbed, waiting for the perfect moment. He went to college hoping that the real him will make a real explosion there, but of course the problems always complicated his target. After a series of ups and downs, in all that sorrow he finally found courage to open to a colleague of his. And the long announced explosion just hasn’t happened… Today…

Andrea told me she planned to go on practices with our group. She called Tim “Timmy” saying that he has come early too. I realised the reason she opened the door first when I saw Trevor and Benjamin in the hall: had seen ‘em from the glass.
-What are you waiting for? – she asked them. I remember she told me she had million friends. Well, the quality, not quantity matters.
-He didn’t let us. Only from the second group. Nicky you go. – Of course, Benjamin answered.
Ooo, finally. The assistant respects the group regulation. I wondered how didn’t I see Nelson I.

On I.T. practices I sat on the last place in the row I always sit.

On the way out, Reis entered first and we just looked each other. I shook hands with Muhammed. Finally guessed the hand salute with the Kumanovo guy the correct way.

On the stairs, Dave who was walking with Nelson (surprise!) asked me what happened with our Electrotechnics seminar work. I told him to bring the material that he finds. Nelson II and him decided to wait in the hall, I decided to join them instead of my typical walk. Thomas came and wanted to treat us broth, we refused. I like that he looked at me. It was strange to me that Nelson II and Dave were close. I was sitting next to Nelson but he was more eager to share his thoughts with him than with me. Why? I mean, when did those two met? I tried to ask Nelson some questions (do you study, where is Nelson I → to a check-up, what will you go home with), but most obviously there already existed a certain stereotype about me. They both preferred to be quiet than to talk, you know I’m a very active person. OK you two stick together, I’mma take Thomas.

Btw, I finally learnt where Chardak was hearing Thomas confirming to Dave. So, I already went there. Students from the first group were passing: Tim (nothing), Gulben (“Did you finish?”), Marcus (nothing), Scotty (shook hands). Thomas returned, and before him next to me sat the vulgar twin with a friend of his. Finally, 2nd Nelson’s sexuality is no longer under question mark: the previous day I explored him on Facebook: he’d put pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo and now he showed his betting ticket to Thomas, and previously to Dave as well. Football again. Like it’s chasing me my whole life. Apparently it has never been “out” I was only out of it. At least I had Dave in the silence about the subject. They were discussing whether or not the betting shops earn a lot of money, Thomas claimed that he would make a big win if he would go to a fortune teller, to which Dave grumbled. These are lost souls and their god is different from the Mine. How does it make them happy?Cristiano_Ronaldo_2012

Thomas included me in their chat asking me if I knew Barcelona players and whether I knew Ronaldo. I answered “A bit” meaning that I could only list few of them, but he understood that I knew Ronaldo a bit. How wouldn’t I know him? Ethan was obsessed with him. Thomas called us to go and I was the first who made the decision to stand. Thomas went to “pee” and upstairs, I sat behind, Dave and Nelson went forward, and Thomas joined them.

It was very boring in our group after the it girl left us. Nothing was happening, only Thomas was breaking the monotony. Somebody asked Dave who he was in group with Electrotechnics, he didn’t know Andrea’s name, Emily heard me as “Andy”. Thomas started ordering me.
-Nick be bad.
I was bad.
-Be good.
I smiled.
-Be good.
I attracted Muriel’s attention.
-Be bad.
The girl in front of me looked at me. The others were quieted down.
-Be good. Smile.
My acting abilities came to expression. If only they were appreciated. …
-Be bad. (Muriel got scared and ran away) Smile. Be bad.
I obeyed him, but I wasn’t a child to continue the game. I had to stop as all the others were completely quiet:
-Be good.
-I don’t wanna be.
Why exactly while I was “bad” that idea came to me?
-Why?
Who were you to obey your orders?
But, you know me, I couldn’t say it. After all I love people. I’d rather victimise myself than blame others. That’s what God taught me. The time was short, a possible answer had already occurred to me, everyone was focused on me, so I had to act fast. Unfortunately, the impatience meant unchristianity:
-Because I don’t have use if I’m good.
What? Since when do I live out of use? It wasn’t the real me, neither the fake one, this version of me just wanted to play their game better than them. Did I win?

Frankly, the scenes that followed made this day my craziest day on faculty so far. So crazy that it’s like in a dream to me. The present ones remember it better than me. It was similar with the prom. Just that was too good, and this too…

-Why did you kick Muriel?
I don’t remember the answer. Perhaps that wasn’t even the question. Finally, I had the spotlight, it wasn’t typical for me, I didn’t feel myself.

Thomas was asking me questions, I was giving him strong answers. I was defending myself, wouldn’t you do the same? I don’t remember for what, but I told him “Let Muriel tell you”, and William commented how I responded to him, “strong happening”. “Happening?” I’m just getting started.

Soon, I wasn’t in my evil mood, smiling sometimes. I remember this: He asked me something touching the bottom of his head. What? I was supposed in front of everyone to admit I don’t shave?
-What?
-Have you taken rope to kill yourself?
Guess the answer.
-I haven’t with a rope, with something else.
In the crazy moment I put down my right arm sleeve. I showed my cut I made because of Barbara two years ago. They were probably surprised.

I never tried to take my life, it was a lie. But they deserved it, they were fake, without having own self, just blind audience i.e. my slaves in a subconscious way. They made me a star.

I couldn’t refrain myself and even remember that I lied and what actually the lie meant.

Imagine, that wasn’t enough either, I wanted more. You know me: nothing or all. I chose the latter: I stood up and went to the place I deserve, yet they subjugated in front of me, I sat on the front desk. I guess from Vanessa’s best friend I heard: Terminator. So, they are so powerless…
-Ask me what you want.
I took a decisive attitude crossing my arms and expected action from Thomas.
-What to ask you… I don’t have what to ask.
Did the fear of me reached its top?

He urged me to show him my hands, there wasn’t what to be ashamed of, I don’t masturbate so that there would be white lines. He called me “village mutt”, and I responded to him he’s from village too. Have I ever been more humiliated in life than then?

Yes, because I didn’t consider these (whatever they are) as real persons. Well, they were doing it for ridicule.

I went on the heating, and Thomas was throwing chalks at me again. I gave my glasses to Sandra who previously asked me where was I from. Muriel commented to Thomas that he was gonna break my glasses. Girl, if you wanna talk about materialism so much, let’s talk about your financial situation. And my glasses are unbreakable, but of course, for df-finger-safe-socket-250x250you are unaffordable. Thomas wanted to know if I had ever put my finger in a socket, no. He went to Muriel interested on Facebook on her phone and invited me to explain her why I did what I did. I sat next to her.
-Don’t touch her. Just don’t touch her. – Thomas warned me, but having lost control, I didn’t process his words. I grabbed her arm.
-Do you want me to be good or bad? – I was sincere with her.
-Aaa, “bad”! – she escaped to the first desk.
-I told you, “don’t touch her”.
But that Nick wasn’t hearing you.

Something WAS happening. If I’d chosen to kick Emily I know I’d have finished fast.

–                                             …
I can’t remember her exact sentence, but she said that I shouldn’t beat with a girl. What kind of example did my father give me?

I pretended not to hear her, just to think what to say.
-What?
Now she pretended like she didn’t hear me, but I know what she said.

Btw: Do you believe you’re reading this?

Thomas as my friend wanted to know why I kicked her. I went to Muriel.
-Muriel! Muriel! Look at me!
She looked at me.
-Do you want me to tell you why I kicked you?
-Why?
-No offence, but I wanted us to be friends and you were “upped”.
-What?
-Upped.
-What?
Presumably she couldn’t hear due to the explosive comments of the explosive me.
-You were making yourself important.
-Ааа.
-And I wanted somehow we to get close.
I used more visual words, which she related in a romantic sense, the smile gave her away.
-And that’s why you kicked me.
-Yeah.

How much could I be trusted? Was it the truth? I kicked a girl just to prove Thomas I “had balls”, but I chose Muriel (not Emily) simply because such things were closer to her. Just because she was more active, more jokes-happy. I told her the truth?

The colleagues were coming in companies. There was someone from my group who didn’t see my stupidities. Who saw them: Muriel, Emily, Sandra, William, Vanessa’s best friend, Ashley and her closest colleague, one twin (thank God), Monique (sorry…), Vanessa as I can recall, Nelson II, Dave and of course, Thomas. Who entered après? Diana, Virginia, probably Peter, some of the Mines 2…

-Is she your friend now?
It’s noticeable Thomas doesn’t use names frequently. At what kind of level is his communication with people?
-Ask her.
But Muriel was bent.
-I’m asking you.
-We are.
-Do you see? You were friends he says. (Addressed to Muriel.) Are you afraid of him?
-Of who?
-Of him. – showing me the one of the Mines 2 that I consider for a hybrid between Derek V. and Rob.
-Of him?
-Of him.
-No.

It occurred to me:
-You made me outgoing, I should thank you.
-Well, see what I do.
-Really. Bravo. Thanks.

-How many friends do you have now?
Don’t you think it would be better if you asked me how many I don’t?
-Let me count them.
I was getting ready.
-C’mon listen.
I saw Pete coming from the door. I was relieved. At least he was spared from my shame. He IS worth, I’m sure.

Muriel went back to her place, Thomas stood up, I asked him:
-Did the professor come?
-No, but he’s coming.

The show was over. And I just wanted to classify them… When I returned too, I noticed that Diana had sat next to me. I was not alone.

-Am I your friend?
It was Ashley from Kochani turned around.
-You are my friend.
We did a high five.
-Colleague and am I your friend?
-You are my friend.
High five again.

Finally I made them clear it’s better to have me as their friend, not enemy.

-Nick, why are they eating your dick?
The twin from behind asked me.

Ooo, so I was popular. A lot. Did I become like Andy?
-Why are they eating my… dick?

I didn’t understand immediately what was the question and as you see I wasn’t shy to pronounce an already said word.

He smiled, he was shy from me!
-Yes.
-They aren’t eatin’ it.
…Whatever it meant.

The professor had entered and I was smiling and I just didn’t care that the assistant could see it. I was happy. At that moment I was sure I succeeded in my target – the reason I came there. I was supposed to start with my next target. But the things were far from perfect. As I was losing myself in the exercises I didn’t understand, I began to realise that I embarrassed myself. Yet, I didn’t regret that I became outgoing, but for the way I did it.

I left the room alone. Again. In the hall, I saw Gulben and Andrea sitting together speaking to a colleague. Further, I passed over Thomas and Tim. They were fighting.
-Come. Come too. To help me. Are you my friend or his?
It was Thomas, but it wasn’t the me from before. I knew my mistake. I knew I seemed crazy for more than 90% of the present ones. The real me didn’t go, just looked at them. I can’t say I considered Tim for a human to fight… I mean play with him. Except that, now I was aware that physical violence is a sin. This time I obeyed myself.

On the stairs, Thomas wanted to know the reason I did that on my arm. I told him it was because of Barbara that annoys me.

They got down after me and stayed in the hall. I saw Benjamin at the door and asked him where he was going.

On the road I managed to reach my colleagues William, a girl and surprisingly Ergin who smiled to me, standing with a colleague. I almost reached Peter who later joined the girls including Virginia. I thought they’d turn around to call me, they acted like they didn’t know me. All of them entered in a clothes shop (although Peter didn’t want), I kept walking to copy the new Electrotechnics exercises. On the way back, I met Thomas, Tim and Benjamin. Thomas asked me where have I been. On the road I met the short brown guy (who stretched arm to me, then touched me) and Tailor (“Hello”) as well. I was impatient. In the bus, I had subconsciously spread my legs. I felt outgoing. I felt unrest. Just like after the professor Adele saw the quiz last, I mean this year. No position suited me. What further? It will never be the same anymore. I wanted this, but after the event like that part of me died. A mistake again. Why the distance between my mistakes has to be approximately one year? Did the devil finally had me?

I couldn’t calm down at home either. I wasn’t OK. I felt a burden for which my greatest consolation was knowing that it will pass, but when? At least the event was in the past. What else wasn’t there?

I shared with mum the discontent after the quiz, I shared with Sarah the grief from my irascibility. On Facebook I explained to her what I could recall that happened adding my perspective. What could I do? What kind of words I didn’t use in my diary describing them and my incompliance with them? I tremendously repressed my feelings, but they existed. Waiting for a particular moment. And they poured without asking me for it. But neither I asked for permission before. They were just paying me back. It had to happen, it’s better that it happened earlier. You know that by nature I am very vivid. Life taught me to be like that. Would I be more satisfied if my day stayed to that that Nelson II is closer to Dave? I wanted Thomas and I got him in express time, but was they way right? Sarah didn’t know what to say to me. She thought they won’t hang me out again as they have called me “insane” – Albert’s word from the previous day. What struck me the most was when she asked me “Did you try these two months for nothing?” I was making effort for more than two months, but was I happy with the results? I can say that they were very shaky. It was going well, then I experienced the worst week, the things were improving, I accepted I have achieved my designated target, then I realised that I was wrong, then someone gave me hope and… boom!

I don’t know how to describe this, but I know that there will be consequences. Was I happy those two months? I would say yes, yet the others were much more successful than me in what I set in front of me, although they weren’t there for it. The colleagues that accepted me, loved me mostly out of pity not because of what I was! Who would want that? Why wasn’t I equal if I could be equal? How did I expect them to accept me when I didn’t accept myself? Thomas’s words on the stairs “Be good” mean a lot to me. Nobody supports me 100%, at least he had courage to stick it to my face. Even someone who isn’t fond of philosophy would agree with the good old “I’d rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I’m not”. The question is: Was I what I am?

My outburst simply had to happen. They were unserious with me (Marcus), gossiped me (“Untweezed eyebrows”; “The insane one”), judged me (Boki 13)… I am a human… I had to act! I acted very humanly considering my repressions, they can be happy I didn’t do massive murders. I’m sure that the psychiatrists would approve this, would God understand me?

I just desperately wanted to show them I was one of them: normal. Maybe I just wanted to compensate… Much more frequently they saw me alone than with any other.

I needed them… After all, I’m just a human… After 12 years of intensive studying, swotting became boredom to me, I had to try something new, wouldn’t they?

The present ones consider me to be crazy, but what did they consider me to be before? When I was already such in their eyes, I decided to make it with style, not for anything else, some won’t understand the word until they see God.

It’s pretty understandable what I did, considering my past. They haven’t gone through the same so that they can talk…

On my craziest, most important to date and definitely most explosive day, happy news reached me: Adele is pregnant! It’s not for sure, but it’s a logical assumption of Sarah’s as an explication why another professor will teach them Entrepreneurship because of Adele’s absence. At least the others are happy so I can always be truly happy for them.

On Facebook I saw Virginia went to some square pub with Peter and two friends. They don’t need to boast that they gossip me.From_the_Bottom_of_My_Broken_Heart

I tried to calm myself down listening to Britney Spears’s “From the bottom of my broken heart”. It worked partially, but briefly.

During my lunch downstairs, I saw Al (extended Mines) from the window and I removed the curtain. He saw me, but seriously turned his head away. No waving, no smile. It’s official, I’m no longer his buddy. If he wants so, OK. As soon as he saw I’m normal and wanted his friendship, he got scared of me.

At 15:56, I shared on Ni Ck:

“Finally my long awaited explosion HAPPENED!!!
I am as I am, yet you are afraid of me.
I know I am your number 1 subject when I’m not in your presence, but you don’t have the courage to tell my shortcomings in eyes!
I know it’s not the same to you when you see me, and I excellently noticed that your opinion about me from the beginning until now has been changed SEVERAL times!
And while I only become more experienced and more experienced, you continue to explore me, i.e. you increase my popularity by great lengths.
And yes, I sometimes forget names and faces, but the others NEVER forget me, and as I see I’m the best advertisement for Zlox too.
Don’t forget: You will NEVER be able to forget me.
To you money, popularity and the bodily pleasures were your gods, don’t think that you will remain unpunished for it.
Understand for once: You are being tested!!!
But come on…
Obviously you don’t know who you are messing with. As things are going, you will lose in your own game.
Those who truly know me, will understand.
I’D RATHER BE HATED FOR WHAT I AM THAN LOVED FOR WHAT I’M NOT.
P.S. If I’m already crazy, at least let it be with STYLE.”

I didn’t consider myself to be crazy at the moment, but I considered that I used to be crazy.

After all, they were giving me significance like to one of their gods.

In the evening mum was crying on the phone again. Dad called her and she hung. As I could hear, she forgot to turn off some device, probably the heater. She defended herself that she wasn’t the only one responsible while dad wanted to call somebody.

When it comes to the last time, I learnt her colleague Mary left the job, then returned.

In my opinion, I don’t like the female doctor, however people should fight for themselves. It’s the employees mistake for allowing to get frustrated receiving so low salary. They are continuing, afraid of some imaginary authority in their head. Is there hope that they’ll ever grow up?

At 23:28, another status from Ni followed:

“I don’t care… Now I have a much clearer picture of who is who. You think you are ideal? Think again…
No matter how much you change your opinion about me, whatever it is like, no matter how much more sinful you become in front of God, there will always be people who love me, not because of my parents or out of use, but because WHAT I TRULY AM.
Even if I’m the most disappointed, I will always be happy for the happiness of those who mean to me.
I know well what you gossip me and you know what? I feel sorry for you… What I do, is not clear to you, and be certain that one day you will be ashamed of me.
Before judging, find out the truth first, you aren’t always right.
The solution is only one: GOD. Instead of wasting your time competing who will describe me with the sharpest word, seek the answers in the religion.
I AM NOT AFRAID FROM YOU, BUT FROM GOD!!!”

I was broken from inside, but it’s words that matter to them. I didn’t know whether I was crazy or not, I just knew I needed HELP…

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Thursday 29.11.2012

Rain.

I finally I went at “Slavey” to try my corset. The responsible man probably Vincent, didn’t recognise me. It took him a while doing something to it, then I had to take off my blouse and my pants to the knees. I would have prepared myself if I had known I was gonna do it.

I was waiting alone again the second floor hall of Campus 2. Gulben and Andrea came and sat next to me.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

Gulben served me waffle, Andrea ate mekica, I had eaten burek and we discussed food. Andrea went to wash her hands, I used the opportunity to ask Gulben:
-Where are the others?
-Waiting downstairs. Waiting for a bus.
She asked me if I knew it, then explained to me it was a line from a “Solzi i smea” sketch. Couple in bed - CopyShe found it on YouTube on her phone and gave me her headphones to listen. My hands were shivering. No one has done it before to me. I got used to it although there was a couple in bed, but Gulben and Andrea headed outside Andrea to smoke and invited me who didn’t want to be seen with girls, yet I went with them from behind.

In the hall we saw Muhammed and his Turkish friend. We shook hands and I continued with them. Muhammed called me to go with him outside for 5 minutes, I didn’t want and he left his notebook. In A.2 I was thinking where to sit. I secretly wanted behind Reis in the third row, but… I took my old position, Dave sat next to me. Reis kept the place in front of me for Diana. The others came. Al didn’t know where Reis was from – Radanje. Andrea has brought a guest.

Reis and I just looked at each other, I wasn’t afraid.

Muhammed commented to me: “You are a very good man”. He called me “man” for the first time. His Turkish friend was active with him. I asked Muhammed about his leaving, he said he went to Turkey for the weekend, translated by his friend. Ooops, he said even if he goes with his brother, he’s coming back. Ooops, he’s staying, not leaving. He has index.

He invited me to go out, I refused. Then Mike addressed to me from behind:
-Nicky this Muhammed gay.
Using the gay word in front of me and not referring to me? A good thing.
-He’s not gay. – I responded.
He just has a high level of spirituality.

I helloed Ergin first, he asked me if I was fine.

Meanwhile Diana didn’t come, so Reis placed himself in front of me again.

705208_495469423818080_1699015219_o - CopyGulben took a photo of several colleagues sitting including me. Al suggested to Reis “the insane one” to take a photo of them and he agreed. So, they were talking about me. Let it be.

Muhammed said the others talked a lot after Thomas sitting next to Dave called him, then complained that his head hurt him. I asked him if he had roommates and via Reis translate I was told he didn’t. I commented that it shouldn’t hurt him in that case. Reis refused to join Bobby, to which he said:
-You’re gay when you don’t wanna come.
-Wait. Fuck you! – Reis reacted.

Nelson I smiled to me.

I was looking at Reis who noticed it. That’s why I looked at his eyes. He was looking at Al’s smartphone.

Muhammed was speaking about penis size and showed with his hand ‘till the elbow about Reis’s one. Bobby questioned him where he knew from i.e. if he had seen it. I just smiled.

This time Reis had script. The professor came, Muhammed’s friend had left.

On the Math practices, Gulben asked me:
-What’s going on with you?
The assistant was surprised.
-I’m tired. My head hurts. I’m not OK.
I wanted to know why she came with our group, she said she needed to go somewhere with Muriel later. I asked her what kind of job they had, she told me it was about voucher. She’s poor, so what?

Nothing with Pete: first I didn’t turn towards him, then he didn’t turn towards me.

Thomas called me on broth, I refused him.

In the yard the Mines 2 were behind me – no action.

On the waiting area I was disappointed a lot. I didn’t reach my target. Either I was wrong, either it was taken away from me. I was waiting alone. Like the others always had someone, I was alone. Then… coming from the distance, Thomas appeared. Usually when I see someone, I don’t look at the person all the time, this time it was different.
-Are you OK? – He asked me.
-OK, but not so good.
-Why?
-I’m not telling you.
-Tell me.
-No.
I asked him where he’s been, but he was persistent to know why, so I told him to guess. He suggested it was about a girl, then presumed Muhammed got mad at me and then it occurred to him it may be Muriel related. At last I opened to him:
-I’m lonely. Nobody hangs me out. I mean, they do, but a little.
Thomas claimed he was the same too, I denied it, to which he asked me who he hangs out with, I pointed out Dave. He didn’t have a counterargument, but he negated.
-Well speak. Talk. – He advised me.
-Tell me what should I do. I won’t get offended.
-Talk, ask “what are you doing?”. You don’t talk.
True. But how can I talk when I don’t even like my voice? Not to mention the appearance.

Muriel came after finishing the job. She spoke to Thomas who went under the eaves, but I respected her privacy.

-Are you friends? – Thomas asked me.
-Muriel should tell you that.
-Shake hands.
I stretched my arm. She grabbed two of my fingers while speaking on her phone. The next time there will be more.

When my bus came, I said to them before leaving “Come on colleagues”.

I was happy, smiling in the bus.

In the evening Barbara wrote to me on Facebook. She invited me to come at her place and download some programs, I said it’s better she to come, but she wanted me to go first.

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Wednesday 28.11.2012

I went to faculty without bag.

We were late again, this time the Kumanovo guy greeted with us the door. I did it the girly way again.

Andrea sat next to me in the fourth row, then she went to Tailor. I intended to ask Nelson II if the list had passed, but he wasn’t looking towards my side. Nelson II was far from me, but Nelson I was passing right in front me in the first row. He wasn’t looking at me either, but I called him:
-Nelson, did the list pass?
-The list for signing?
-Yes, the list.
-It didn’t. Now he went to bring it.
Until now I had a plan regarding him, from the moment I decided to ask him, I decided not to have one at all. Why? Probably because I’m not afraid of him. He considers this as a working relationship, I consider it as an acquaintance relation.

But the relationship that followed between he and Benjamin was very friendly. Apparently they talked about Nelson’s working out. Didn’t Benjamin said once he’s coming to Zlox we to find girlfriend? Ooops, Nelson’s standing on my way… Very likely Benjamin would stay longer at Nelson’s in Preevytip, and I used to consider Andrea for a threat… Plans, complications… everything could result with the fake me = nothing… Noo, it’s still early. Anyway, maybe we spent our time differently, importantly we both were doing something. While he was sweating playing football, I was enjoying in the art of the modern ballet.

The colleague who was sitting from my right wanted I to move to left, in order his friend to sit next to him, but I was interested whether Andrea would like to move, she moved from behind.

If I hadn’t asked Benjamin where he sat while passing by me, he wouldn’t have asked me “Where are you Nicky?”

This Wednesday returned to me the feeling that called “horror” referring to the events from Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Muhammed was absent, Munin was absent, the others were close mutually, and I… I wasn’t in the mood. The professor was observing me, I had my death stare. Why didn’t they want me? Well I abound with spirituality. What makes sins so attractive?

On the second break, Munin arrived and sat behind me. He didn’t want to tell me why he was late not to be heard by the professor who assumingly looked at me cause I’m weird to him (I was serious, antisocial, then very social, smiling). Weird? I’m just getting started. And how would I be like when he finds out he was supposed to be my godfather?

Munin continued his talk with the Turk next to him, but the freshly-arrived Muhammed was targeting to sit next to me. He sat next to Munin after he learnt it was taken.

Ergin smiled and waved to me at the door. Intriguingly I saw Andrea talking with the it girl and smiling to her. [Prior to this day Andrea shared with me she had a negative opinion about the it girl.] What happened? Tailor liked them?

After the lecture I heard the colleagues from the first group talking if we’d have Maths additional. I asked Gulben, she confirmed we’d have. That moment I told Muhammed I should’ve come at his place, but I had an obligation.

In the other building, in a another lecture room, Benjamin was signing something “Nicky. Nicky. …”. We moved into the room next door where I smiled to Nelson II. I sat next to him, who told me he changed his mind. He’s looking from the other Nelson, but it’s not my business. The brown guy behind me asked me for a piece of paper calling me “Zlox”. Benjamin asked for a pen from me, he accepted my little pen and showed it to Tim indicating its size. Side note: The two of them are just a pale shadow of what they used to be.

I thought of asking for a piece of paper from Vanessa in front of me, yet I saved place on my only one.

Nelson I was exaggerating with his comments and throw-ins towards the assistant. He is acting like a child. His jokes aren’t interesting at all (It’s like to say that chicken gives birth to a calf. Funny?). If he knew this, he’d say they ARE interesting за some (“некои”)… oops “someone” (“некој”), and I’m saying that that someone will make you company in hell as you have started. I mean it’s obvious he’s a child of divorced parents and when the parents are sinning that much, what can be expected from the offspring? Ironically I understand him. When he talked and cried, he wasn’t obeyed, so now he talks (and he himself knows whether he cries) double more to reach a target – he to be a god and the adjective ALMIGHTY that still stands in his Facebook section about indicates it. OK, if you wanna fight, fight, but don’t show even a sign of anger if someone is better than you.

Why is living in the moment so important? Why the desire to be above the others is irreplaceable even with the vision of God? What kind of future will exist for him?

He has made contacts with many male and female colleagues, I see (Tag: Sandra).

For his selfishness speaks his arrogant and uncontrolled behavior towards the others because of the loss of the mutual parental love, instead of finding consolation in the right One. Would I be the same if I hadn’t taken the current way?

The assistant wanted some male to turn off the projector hanged on the ceiling. Somebody needed to stand on the desk behind me and Nelson II. Of course the non-mighty Nelson I wanted it Benjamin or Tim as he wasn’t tall. After Benjamin rejected him, he told him “You will say something”. So the word “Christianity” and even generally “religion” is unnecessary.  I am tall and the projector was very close to me, but of course, nobody remembered me. Let it be. They lose. It’s them whom the wall kept glowing to. Other, real persons will meet me in the most right light. Everything in its time.

When I think better, their sins don’t deserve to give them that much space and time.

On the way out, I could simply pass by the door, but held it a bit for the one behind – Vanessa. Yet I let it go, and she uneasily stopped it. Btw: Vanessa used the f-word again to a male again.

On the waiting area change of atmosphere, Andrea had already arrived and we both ordered toast.
-Why are you smiling? – Andrea asked me.
-Sarah isn’t that bad, is she?
-Which Sarah?
-Well Sarah… from your group…
-Aa “isn’t”. How isn’t she? She’s stupid. And were you smiling for that?
-Yes.
Actually, I was going through the material for my diary, among others this is one of the subjects as well.
-I saw you with her.
She told me they were together ‘cause they needed to buy or take sth.
-She made me nervous. – she admitted.
So she’s just using her for company. She has a lot of experience, I’m not saying no.

Nelson and Nelson II came to buy hamburgers.

I ate meat on a Wednesday that marked the beginning of the Christmas fast, but… I had already decided not to do it. I mean I know I can do it, just… my birthday’s coming and the others will judge, plus I understand the fast as a voluntary thing. Well it’s not that important what you eat, but what’s your soul like.

Andrea took water for me too. Positive gesture.

In the bus I sat next to Andrea. I was thinking about what kind of opinion I have about which colleague, similar to the table I did for my ex-class the summer. I’ll just say: Andrea: Positive, Nelson I: Negative.

Is there still hope for some people?

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