Monday 03.12.2012

[The text for the following two days is based on notes.]

 

Handicaps day.

My neighbor Al asked me where I would go.

In the bus there were Melanie Collins and Barbara Griffin who briefly chatted with me.

I was late with Nelson II on the L.A. practices.

Thomas called me, I refused to chat with him.

In lecture room 10 while talking to me, Gulben said “reflesh” instead of “refresh”.

Sandra had torn her jeans and Reis tried to console her.

I felt very little ticklish.

Muhammed was absent.

It was raining, so on the way to F.E.S. the it girl came under my umbrella. She said she was a bit fat to which I responded “Not true”. In my mind I “played” “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

My colleagues didn’t say anything to me about my Friday outburst. They had understandment.

I was alone, but I was truly happy.

Monday is my favourite day.

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01.12.2012, 02.12.2012

Saturday 01.12.2012

I woke up early. The thought of escaping to a monastery returned to me. I prayed to be better, mum told me a counselor spoke on Sitel TV about the happiness. We should go on after our failures.

Why the big bad events must happen before weekends? After my shame with Adele I explained how it all started, there’s no need now, you know it.

After the winter’s event, I noted every contact with Adele, will it be that way with the colleagues too?

When I was shaken after the quiz, I thought that my chest hurt, now I know that the pain came from my heart. It was constantly present, fortunately it was smaller than the one in January. It was because I knew she is worth, for the present colleagues I’m not sure at all. I wished at least Dave not to have been there. Dave and Nelson, OK, and Muriel with Thomas were the only audience that I considered for friends. The big plus side: I was seen by less than a quarter of all the colleagues (with Business Computer Studies). I maintain that I’m closer and more accepted by the first group. Even without that my opinions about Dave and Nelson II were falling. I know Dave would gossip to his friends… ooops friend (Thomas) that I’m crazy, but he would do that because he’s lost i.e. doesn’t have own self and for his opinion must consult someone else. With an uncertain exception, Dave has never called me by name. Anyway he won’t detach from me quickly: we are together Electrotechnics. I must say nobody, except Thomas from the present ones had a friendly relationship towards me as it should be. What do I lack for Nelson II to surrender to Dave? Do the ignorings from Muriel’s side can be called friendship? And the others, instead after my difficult past to be forthcoming, they got distanced from me if they were ever showing signs of closeness.

I chose to hide my father’s mistakes, forcibly my genitals served for somebody’s fun, I laid in hospital twice, I antisocialised, I got disappointed from love, I admitted I was gay, I presented a private quiz to a married professor I fell in love with… this is just another shame of mine… And what else could be expected from me?

How was I supposed to act after this? Why didn’t I stop myself choosing God? How could I even think the whole situation to be more important to me than His principles? Why didn’t I surrender to him? Simply, I didn’t know to make decisions properly. Yes, well I hid my Christianity from them, and the devil attacked me right there…

When I confessed to my first love about my sexuality she told me to choose one: either homo either hetero, not bi. Unfortunately I practiced partial Christianity. What if I had chosen the devil? If I didn’t have money I’d have sex, if I didn’t have sex, I’d have evil… They make worse sins than mine, but none of them experiences this…  I thought I’d chosen spirituality, but I didn’t stay consistent…

I wanted to give up, like I didn’t feel anything… I was on the edge of falling in depression… But no, I wasn’t allowing Satan to succeed in his plan.

My latest shame perhaps was closer to my coming out than to my impoliteness with Lady Adele. On 02.02.2011 I didn’t admit in front of everyone, and after that day there was only one comment about the event. After all, I still am Nick Paulson. I underestimated myself, I almost never act without a plan. I forgot to lean on my strongest trumps: the diary and the religion. They think they know me now? I’m just getting started. Two months for me were enough to create opinion about them. Whatever they talk about me, the deeds prove that now they have greater respect towards me at least in my presence and I can recognise whether it’s hypocrisy. If I want I can predict what they consider me like, using supernatural power. You are familiar with my guessing about Miranda’s lottery, and I’m telling you that that way I busted the classmate in the first year for blaming me to Brenda. You don’t believe me? Someone had snitched me in order the president of the class Brenda to complain to the head teacher again for my notes of their talks in my notebooks. I wished I dreamt the responsible person on my next sleeping. It didn’t happened on my nap that day, but the next morning in a dream I saw a short smiling girl sitting in front of the board. “Don’t you know her?” – a voice was asking me. I thought it was Mary according to the hairstyle, but later when I woke up I realised she was blond: Denise. It made sense, she was sitting behind me. I asked Brenda, she confirmed. Denise. You don’t know who you are messing with. Of course, I choose Christianity that forbids fortune telling, but if I lose control…

Whatever they do, they can’t hit my soul. So, feel free to attack.

It was Dave(colleague)’s  birthday, but he had hidden it on Facebook. Probably not to treat. And then I’m crazy?

In the evening from the window I saw Brian walking with someone. That someone was probably his cousin Dave (from the mines). He was smoking. I believe he’s not afraid to do it in public now as he’s 18.

I never wrote that Sarah (c.) saw Brian smoking by their school and he’d published a Facebook picture related to smoking earlier.

Btw Andrea called me to ask me if I knew the number of the Preevytip bus station. Wanted some people to admit or not, I mean to someone. As long as people I love the most, the priest and God love me, I won’t give up, regardless of how bad I feel.

 

Sunday 02.12.2012

Rain.

I felt a bit better.

Everything has a plus side, right?

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Friday 30.11.2012

Once upon a time there was an antisocial teenager with huge desire to find friends. He cried and wept and sobbed, waiting for the perfect moment. He went to college hoping that the real him will make a real explosion there, but of course the problems always complicated his target. After a series of ups and downs, in all that sorrow he finally found courage to open to a colleague of his. And the long announced explosion just hasn’t happened… Today…

Andrea told me she planned to go on practices with our group. I realised the reason she opened the door first when I saw Trevor and Benjamin in the hall: had seen ‘em from the glass.
-What are you waiting for? – she asked them. I remember she told me she had million friends. Well, the quality, not quantity matters.
-He didn’t let us. Only from the second group. Nicky you go. – Of course, Benjamin answered.
Ooo, finally. The assistant respects the group regulation. I wondered how didn’t I see Nelson I.

On I.T. practices I sat on the last place in the row I always sit.

On the way out, Reis entered first and we just looked each other. I shook hands with Muhammed. Finally guessed the hand salute with the Kumanovo guy the correct way.

On the stairs, Dave who was walking with Nelson (surprise!) asked me what happened with our Electrotechnics seminar work. I told him to bring the material that he finds. Nelson II and him decided to wait in the hall, I decided to join them instead of my typical walk. Thomas came and wanted to treat us broth, we refused. I like that he looked at me. It was strange to me that Nelson II and Dave were close. I was sitting next to Nelson but he was more eager to share his thoughts with him than with me. Why? I mean, when did those two met? I tried to ask Nelson some questions (do you study, where is Nelson I → to a check-up, what will you go home with), but most obviously there already existed a certain stereotype about me. They both preferred to be quiet than to talk, you know I’m a very active person. OK you two stick together, I’mma take Thomas.

Btw, I finally learnt where Chardak was hearing Thomas confirming to Dave. So, I already went there. Students from the first group were passing: Tim (nothing), Gulben (“Did you finish?”), Marcus (nothing), Scotty (shook hands). Thomas returned, and before him next to me sat the vulgar twin with a friend of his. Finally, 2nd Nelson’s sexuality is no longer under question mark: the previous day I explored him on Facebook: he’d put pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo and now he showed his betting ticket to Thomas, and previously to Dave as well. Football again. Like it’s chasing me my whole life. Apparently it has never been “out” I was only out of it. At least I had Dave in the silence about the subject. They were discussing whether or not the betting shops earn a lot of money, Thomas claimed that he would make a big win if he would go to a fortune teller, to which Dave grumbled. These are lost souls and their god is different from the Mine. How does it make them happy?Cristiano_Ronaldo_2012

Thomas included me in their chat asking me if I knew Barcelona players and whether I knew Ronaldo. I answered “A bit” meaning that I could only list few of them, but he understood that I knew Ronaldo a bit. How wouldn’t I know him? Ethan was obsessed with him. Thomas called us to go and I was the first who made the decision to stand. Thomas went to “pee” and upstairs, I sat behind, Dave and Nelson went forward, and Thomas joined them.

It was very boring in our group after the it girl left us. Nothing was happening, only Thomas was breaking the monotony. Somebody asked Dave who he was in group with Electrotechnics, he didn’t know Andrea’s name, Emily heard me as “Andy”. Thomas started ordering me.
-Nick be bad.
I was bad.
-Be good.
I smiled.
-Be good.
I attracted Muriel’s attention.
-Be bad.
The girl in front of me looked at me. The others were quieted down.
-Be good. Smile.
My acting abilities came to expression. If only they were appreciated. …
-Be bad. (Muriel got scared and ran away) Smile. Be bad.
I obeyed him, but I wasn’t a child to continue the game. I had to stop as all the others were completely quiet:
-Be good.
-I don’t wanna be.
Why exactly while I was “bad” that idea came to me?
-Why?
Who were you to obey your orders?
But, you know me, I couldn’t say it. After all I love people. I’d rather victimise myself than blame others. That’s what God taught me. The time was short, a possible answer had already occurred to me, everyone was focused on me, so I had to act fast. Unfortunately, the impatience meant unchristianity:
-Because I don’t have use if I’m good.
What? Since when do I live out of use? It wasn’t the real me, neither the fake one, this version of me just wanted to play their game better than them. Did I win?

Frankly, the scenes that followed made this day my craziest day on faculty so far. So crazy that it’s like in a dream to me. The present ones remember it better than me. It was similar with the prom. Just that was too good, and this too…

-Why did you kick Muriel?
I don’t remember the answer. Perhaps that wasn’t even the question. Finally, I had the spotlight, it wasn’t typical for me, I didn’t feel myself.

Thomas was asking me questions, I was giving him strong answers. I was defending myself, wouldn’t you do the same? I don’t remember for what, but I told him “Let Muriel tell you”, and William commented how I responded to him, “strong happening”. “Happening?” I’m just getting started.

Soon, I wasn’t in my evil mood, smiling sometimes. I remember this: He asked me something touching the bottom of his head. What? I was supposed in front of everyone to admit I don’t shave?
-What?
-Have you taken rope to kill yourself?
Guess the answer.
-I haven’t with a rope, with something else.
In the crazy moment I put down my right arm sleeve. I showed my cut I made because of Barbara two years ago. They were probably surprised.

I never tried to take my life, it was a lie. But they deserved it, they were fake, without having own self, just blind audience i.e. my slaves in a subconscious way. They made me a star.

I couldn’t refrain myself and even remember that I lied and what actually the lie meant.

Imagine, that wasn’t enough either, I wanted more. You know me: nothing or all. I chose the latter: I stood up and went to the place I deserve, yet they subjugated in front of me, I sat on the front desk. I guess from Vanessa’s best friend I heard: Terminator. So, they are so powerless…
-Ask me what you want.
I took a decisive attitude crossing my arms and expected action from Thomas.
-What to ask you… I don’t have what to ask.
Did the fear of me reached its top?

He urged me to show him my hands, there wasn’t what to be ashamed of, I don’t masturbate so that there would be white lines. He called me “village mutt”, and I responded to him he’s from village too. Have I ever been more humiliated in life than then?

Yes, because I didn’t consider these (whatever they are) as real persons. Well, they were doing it for ridicule.

I went on the heating, and Thomas was throwing chalks at me again. I gave my glasses to Sandra who previously asked me where was I from. Muriel commented to Thomas that he was gonna break my glasses. Girl, if you wanna talk about materialism so much, let’s talk about your financial situation. And my glasses are unbreakable, but of course, for df-finger-safe-socket-250x250you are unaffordable. Thomas wanted to know if I had ever put my finger in a socket, no. He went to Muriel interested on Facebook on her phone and invited me to explain her why I did what I did. I sat next to her.
-Don’t touch her. Just don’t touch her. – Thomas warned me, but having lost control, I didn’t process his words. I grabbed her arm.
-Do you want me to be good or bad? – I was sincere with her.
-Aaa, “bad”! – she escaped to the first desk.
-I told you, “don’t touch her”.
But that Nick wasn’t hearing you.

Something WAS happening. If I’d chosen to kick Emily I know I’d have finished fast.

–                                             …
I can’t remember her exact sentence, but she said that I shouldn’t beat with a girl. What kind of example did my father give me?

I pretended not to hear her, just to think what to say.
-What?
Now she pretended like she didn’t hear me, but I know what she said.

Btw: Do you believe you’re reading this?

Thomas as my friend wanted to know why I kicked her. I went to Muriel.
-Muriel! Muriel! Look at me!
She looked at me.
-Do you want me to tell you why I kicked you?
-Why?
-No offence, but I wanted us to be friends and you were “upped”.
-What?
-Upped.
-What?
Presumably she couldn’t hear due to the explosive comments of the explosive me.
-You were making yourself important.
-Ааа.
-And I wanted somehow we to get close.
I used more visual words, which she related in a romantic sense, the smile gave her away.
-And that’s why you kicked me.
-Yeah.

How much could I be trusted? Was it the truth? I kicked a girl just to prove Thomas I “had balls”, but I chose Muriel (not Emily) simply because such things were closer to her. Just because she was more active, more jokes-happy. I told her the truth?

The colleagues were coming in companies. There was someone from my group who didn’t see my stupidities. Who saw them: Muriel, Emily, Sandra, William, Vanessa’s best friend, Ashley and her closest colleague, one twin (thank God), Monique (sorry…), Vanessa as I can recall, Nelson II, Dave and of course, Thomas. Who entered après? Diana, Virginia, probably Peter, some of the Mines 2…

-Is she your friend now?
It’s noticeable Thomas doesn’t use names frequently. At what kind of level is his communication with people?
-Ask her.
But Muriel was bent.
-I’m asking you.
-We are.
-Do you see? You were friends he says. (Addressed to Muriel.) Are you afraid of him?
-Of who?
-Of him. – showing me the one of the Mines 2 that I consider for a hybrid between Derek V. and Rob.
-Of him?
-Of him.
-No.

It occurred to me:
-You made me outgoing, I should thank you.
-Well, see what I do.
-Really. Bravo. Thanks.

-How many friends do you have now?
Don’t you think it would be better if you asked me how many I don’t?
-Let me count them.
I was getting ready.
-C’mon listen.
I saw Pete coming from the door. I was relieved. At least he was spared from my shame. He IS worth, I’m sure.

Muriel went back to her place, Thomas stood up, I asked him:
-Did the professor come?
-No, but he’s coming.

The show was over. And I just wanted to classify them… When I returned too, I noticed that Diana had sat next to me. I was not alone.

-Am I your friend?
It was Ashley from Kochani turned around.
-You are my friend.
We did a high five.
-Colleague and am I your friend?
-You are my friend.
High five again.

Finally I made them clear it’s better to have me as their friend, not enemy.

-Nick, why are they eating your dick?
The twin from behind asked me.

Ooo, so I was popular. A lot. Did I become like Andy?
-Why are they eating my… dick?

I didn’t understand immediately what was the question and as you see I wasn’t shy to pronounce an already said word.

He smiled, he was shy from me!
-Yes.
-They aren’t eatin’ it.
…Whatever it meant.

The professor had entered and I was smiling and I just didn’t care that the assistant could see it. I was happy. At that moment I was sure I succeeded in my target – the reason I came there. I was supposed to start with my next target. But the things were far from perfect. As I was losing myself in the exercises I didn’t understand, I began to realise that I embarrassed myself. Yet, I didn’t regret that I became outgoing, but for the way I did it.

I left the room alone. Again. In the hall, I saw Gulben and Andrea sitting together speaking to a colleague. Further, I passed over Thomas and Tim. They were fighting.
-Come. Come too. To help me. Are you my friend or his?
It was Thomas, but it wasn’t the me from before. I knew my mistake. I knew I seemed crazy for more than 90% of the present ones. The real me didn’t go, just looked at them. I can’t say I considered Tim for a human to fight… I mean play with him. Except that, now I was aware that physical violence is a sin. This time I obeyed myself.

On the stairs, Thomas wanted to know the reason I did that on my arm. I told him it was because of Barbara that annoys me.

They got down after me and stayed in the hall. I saw Benjamin at the door and asked him where he was going.

On the road I managed to reach my colleagues William, a girl and surprisingly Ergin who smiled to me, standing with a colleague. I almost reached Peter who later joined the girls including Virginia. I thought they’d turn around to call me, they acted like they didn’t know me. All of them entered in a clothes shop (although Peter didn’t want), I kept walking to copy the new Electrotechnics exercises. On the way back, I met Thomas, Tim and Benjamin. Thomas asked me where have I been. On the road I met the short brown guy (who stretched arm to me, then touched me) and Tailor (“Hello”) as well. I was impatient. In the bus, I had subconsciously spread my legs. I felt outgoing. I felt unrest. Just like after the professor Adele saw the quiz last, I mean this year. No position suited me. What further? It will never be the same anymore. I wanted this, but after the event like that part of me died. A mistake again. Why the distance between my mistakes has to be approximately one year? Did the devil finally had me?

I couldn’t calm down at home either. I wasn’t OK. I felt a burden for which my greatest consolation was knowing that it will pass, but when? At least the event was in the past. What else wasn’t there?

I shared with mum the discontent after the quiz, I shared with Sarah the grief from my irascibility. On Facebook I explained to her what I could recall that happened adding my perspective. What could I do? What kind of words I didn’t use in my diary describing them and my incompliance with them? I tremendously repressed my feelings, but they existed. Waiting for a particular moment. And they poured without asking me for it. But neither I asked for permission before. They were just paying me back. It had to happen, it’s better that it happened earlier. You know that by nature I am very vivid. Life taught me to be like that. Would I be more satisfied if my day stayed to that that Nelson II is closer to Dave? I wanted Thomas and I got him in express time, but was they way right? Sarah didn’t know what to say to me. She thought they won’t hang me out again as they have called me “insane” – Albert’s word from the previous day. What struck me the most was when she asked me “Did you try these two months for nothing?” I was making effort for more than two months, but was I happy with the results? I can say that they were very shaky. It was going well, then I experienced the worst week, the things were improving, I accepted I have achieved my designated target, then I realised that I was wrong, then someone gave me hope and… boom!

I don’t know how to describe this, but I know that there will be consequences. Was I happy those two months? I would say yes, yet the others were much more successful than me in what I set in front of me, although they weren’t there for it. The colleagues that accepted me, loved me mostly out of pity not because of what I was! Who would want that? Why wasn’t I equal if I could be equal? How did I expect them to accept me when I didn’t accept myself? Thomas’s words on the stairs “Be good” mean a lot to me. Nobody supports me 100%, at least he had courage to stick it to my face. Even someone who isn’t fond of philosophy would agree with the good old “I’d rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I’m not”. The question is: Was I what I am?

My outburst simply had to happen. They were unserious with me (Marcus), gossiped me (“Untweezed eyebrows”; “The insane one”), judged me (Boki 13)… I am a human… I had to act! I acted very humanly considering my repressions, they can be happy I didn’t do massive murders. I’m sure that the psychiatrists would approve this, would God understand me?

I just desperately wanted to show them I was one of them: normal. Maybe I just wanted to compensate… Much more frequently they saw me alone than with any other.

I needed them… After all, I’m just a human… After 12 years of intensive studying, swotting became boredom to me, I had to try something new, wouldn’t they?

The present ones consider me to be crazy, but what did they consider me to be before? When I was already such in their eyes, I decided to make it with style, not for anything else, some won’t understand the word until they see God.

It’s pretty understandable what I did, considering my past. They haven’t gone through the same so that they can talk…

On my craziest, most important to date and definitely most explosive day, happy news reached me: Adele is pregnant! It’s not for sure, but it’s a logical assumption of Sarah’s as an explication why another professor will teach them Entrepreneurship because of Adele’s absence. At least the others are happy so I can always be truly happy for them.

On Facebook I saw Virginia went to some square pub with Peter and two friends. They don’t need to boast that they gossip me.From_the_Bottom_of_My_Broken_Heart

I tried to calm myself down listening to Britney Spears’s “From the bottom of my broken heart”. It worked partially, but briefly.

During my lunch downstairs, I saw Al (extended Mines) from the window and I removed the curtain. He saw me, but seriously turned his head away. No waving, no smile. It’s official, I’m no longer his buddy. If he wants so, OK. As soon as he saw I’m normal and wanted his friendship, he got scared of me.

At 15:56, I shared on Ni Ck:

“Finally my long awaited explosion HAPPENED!!!
I am as I am, yet you are afraid of me.
I know I am your number 1 subject when I’m not in your presence, but you don’t have the courage to tell my shortcomings in eyes!
I know it’s not the same to you when you see me, and I excellently noticed that your opinion about me from the beginning until now has been changed SEVERAL times!
And while I only become more experienced and more experienced, you continue to explore me, i.e. you increase my popularity by great lengths.
And yes, I sometimes forget names and faces, but the others NEVER forget me, and as I see I’m the best advertisement for Zlox too.
Don’t forget: You will NEVER be able to forget me.
To you money, popularity and the bodily pleasures were your gods, don’t think that you will remain unpunished for it.
Understand for once: You are being tested!!!
But come on…
Obviously you don’t know who you are messing with. As things are going, you will lose in your own game.
Those who truly know me, will understand.
I’D RATHER BE HATED FOR WHAT I AM THAN LOVED FOR WHAT I’M NOT.
P.S. If I’m already crazy, at least let it be with STYLE.”

I didn’t consider myself to be crazy at the moment, but I considered that I used to be crazy.

After all, they were giving me significance like to one of their gods.

In the evening mum was crying on the phone again. Dad called her and she hung. As I could hear, she forgot to turn off some device, probably the heater. She defended herself that she wasn’t the only one responsible while dad wanted to call somebody.

When it comes to the last time, I learnt her colleague Mary left the job, then returned.

In my opinion, I don’t like the female doctor, however people should fight for themselves. It’s the employees mistake for allowing to get frustrated receiving so low salary. They are continuing, afraid of some imaginary authority in their head. Is there hope that they’ll ever grow up?

At 23:28, another status from Ni followed:

“I don’t care… Now I have a much clearer picture of who is who. You think you are ideal? Think again…
No matter how much you change your opinion about me, whatever it is like, no matter how much more sinful you become in front of God, there will always be people who love me, not because of my parents or out of use, but because WHAT I TRULY AM.
Even if I’m the most disappointed, I will always be happy for the happiness of those who mean to me.
I know well what you gossip me and you know what? I feel sorry for you… What I do, is not clear to you, and be certain that one day you will be ashamed of me.
Before judging, find out the truth first, you aren’t always right.
The solution is only one: GOD. Instead of wasting your time competing who will describe me with the sharpest word, seek the answers in the religion.
I AM NOT AFRAID FROM YOU, BUT FROM GOD!!!”

I was broken from inside, but it’s words that matter to them. I didn’t know whether I was crazy or not, I just knew I needed HELP…

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Thursday 29.11.2012

Rain.

I finally I went at “Slavey” to try my corset. The responsible man probably Vincent, didn’t recognise me. It took him a while doing something to it, then I had to take off my blouse and my pants to the knees. I would have prepared myself if I had known I was gonna do it.

I was waiting alone again the second floor hall of Campus 2. Gulben and Andrea came and sat next to me.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

Gulben served me waffle, Andrea ate mekica, I had eaten burek and we discussed food. Andrea went to wash her hands, I used the opportunity to ask Gulben:
-Where are the others?
-Waiting downstairs. Waiting for a bus.
She asked me if I knew it, then explained to me it was a line from a “Solzi i smea” sketch. Couple in bed - CopyShe found it on YouTube on her phone and gave me her headphones to listen. My hands were shivering. No one has done it before to me. I got used to it although there was a couple in bed, but Gulben and Andrea headed outside Andrea to smoke and invited me who didn’t want to be seen with girls, yet I went with them from behind.

In the hall we saw Muhammed and his Turkish friend. We shook hands and I continued with them. Muhammed called me to go with him outside for 5 minutes, I didn’t want and he left his notebook. In A.2 I was thinking where to sit. I secretly wanted behind Reis in the third row, but… I took my old position, Dave sat next to me. Reis kept the place in front of me for Diana. The others came. Al didn’t know where Reis was from – Radanje. Andrea has brought a guest.

Reis and I just looked at each other, I wasn’t afraid.

Muhammed commented to me: “You are a very good man”. He called me “man” for the first time. His Turkish friend was active with him. I asked Muhammed about his leaving, he said he went to Turkey for the weekend, translated by his friend. Ooops, he said even if he goes with his brother, he’s coming back. Ooops, he’s staying, not leaving. He has index.

He invited me to go out, I refused. Then Mike addressed to me from behind:
-Nicky this Muhammed gay.
Using the gay word in front of me and not referring to me? A good thing.
-He’s not gay. – I responded.
He just has a high level of spirituality.

I helloed Ergin first, he asked me if I was fine.

Meanwhile Diana didn’t come, so Reis placed himself in front of me again.

705208_495469423818080_1699015219_o - CopyGulben took a photo of several colleagues sitting including me. Al suggested to Reis “the insane one” to take a photo of them and he agreed. So, they were talking about me. Let it be.

Muhammed said the others talked a lot after Thomas sitting next to Dave called him, then complained that his head hurt him. I asked him if he had roommates and via Reis translate I was told he didn’t. I commented that it shouldn’t hurt him in that case. Reis refused to join Bobby, to which he said:
-You’re gay when you don’t wanna come.
-Wait. Fuck you! – Reis reacted.

Nelson I smiled to me.

I was looking at Reis who noticed it. That’s why I looked at his eyes. He was looking at Al’s smartphone.

Muhammed was speaking about penis size and showed with his hand ‘till the elbow about Reis’s one. Bobby questioned him where he knew from i.e. if he had seen it. I just smiled.

This time Reis had script. The professor came, Muhammed’s friend had left.

On the Math practices, Gulben asked me:
-What’s going on with you?
The assistant was surprised.
-I’m tired. My head hurts. I’m not OK.
I wanted to know why she came with our group, she said she needed to go somewhere with Muriel later. I asked her what kind of job they had, she told me it was about voucher. She’s poor, so what?

Nothing with Pete: first I didn’t turn towards him, then he didn’t turn towards me.

Thomas called me on broth, I refused him.

In the yard the Mines 2 were behind me – no action.

On the waiting area I was disappointed a lot. I didn’t reach my target. Either I was wrong, either it was taken away from me. I was waiting alone. Like the others always had someone, I was alone. Then… coming from the distance, Thomas appeared. Usually when I see someone, I don’t look at the person all the time, this time it was different.
-Are you OK? – He asked me.
-OK, but not so good.
-Why?
-I’m not telling you.
-Tell me.
-No.
I asked him where he’s been, but he was persistent to know why, so I told him to guess. He suggested it was about a girl, then presumed Muhammed got mad at me and then it occurred to him it may be Muriel related. At last I opened to him:
-I’m lonely. Nobody hangs me out. I mean, they do, but a little.
Thomas claimed he was the same too, I denied it, to which he asked me who he hangs out with, I pointed out Dave. He didn’t have a counterargument, but he negated.
-Well speak. Talk. – He advised me.
-Tell me what should I do. I won’t get offended.
-Talk, ask “what are you doing?”. You don’t talk.
True. But how can I talk when I don’t even like my voice? Not to mention the appearance.

Muriel came after finishing the job. She spoke to Thomas who went under the eaves, but I respected her privacy.

-Are you friends? – Thomas asked me.
-Muriel should tell you that.
-Shake hands.
I stretched my arm. She grabbed two of my fingers while speaking on her phone. The next time there will be more.

When my bus came, I said to them before leaving “Come on colleagues”.

I was happy, smiling in the bus.

In the evening Barbara wrote to me on Facebook. She invited me to come at her place and download some programs, I said it’s better she to come, but she wanted me to go first.

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Wednesday 28.11.2012

I went to faculty without bag.

We were late again, this time the Kumanovo guy greeted with us the door. I did it the girly way again.

Andrea sat next to me in the fourth row, then she went to Tailor. I intended to ask Nelson II if the list had passed, but he wasn’t looking towards my side. Nelson II was far from me, but Nelson I was passing right in front me in the first row. He wasn’t looking at me either, but I called him:
-Nelson, did the list pass?
-The list for signing?
-Yes, the list.
-It didn’t. Now he went to bring it.
Until now I had a plan regarding him, from the moment I decided to ask him, I decided not to have one at all. Why? Probably because I’m not afraid of him. He considers this as a working relationship, I consider it as an acquaintance relation.

But the relationship that followed between he and Benjamin was very friendly. Apparently they talked about Nelson’s working out. Didn’t Benjamin said once he’s coming to Zlox we to find girlfriend? Ooops, Nelson’s standing on my way… Very likely Benjamin would stay longer at Nelson’s in Preevytip, and I used to consider Andrea for a threat… Plans, complications… everything could result with the fake me = nothing… Noo, it’s still early. Anyway, maybe we spent our time differently, importantly we both were doing something. While he was sweating playing football, I was enjoying in the art of the modern ballet.

The colleague who was sitting from my right wanted I to move to left, in order his friend to sit next to him, but I was interested whether Andrea would like to move, she moved from behind.

If I hadn’t asked Benjamin where he sat while passing by me, he wouldn’t have asked me “Where are you Nicky?”

This Wednesday returned to me the feeling that called “horror” referring to the events from Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Muhammed was absent, Munin was absent, the others were close mutually, and I… I wasn’t in the mood. The professor was observing me, I had my death stare. Why didn’t they want me? Well I abound with spirituality. What makes sins so attractive?

On the second break, Munin arrived and sat behind me. He didn’t want to tell me why he was late not to be heard by the professor who assumingly looked at me cause I’m weird to him (I was serious, antisocial, then very social, smiling). Weird? I’m just getting started. And how would I be like when he finds out he was supposed to be my godfather?

Munin continued his talk with the Turk next to him, but the freshly-arrived Muhammed was targeting to sit next to me. He sat next to Munin after he learnt it was taken.

Ergin smiled and waved to me at the door. Intriguingly I saw Andrea talking with the it girl and smiling to her. [Prior to this day Andrea shared with me she had a negative opinion about the it girl.] What happened? Tailor liked them?

After the lecture I heard the colleagues from the first group talking if we’d have Maths additional. I asked Gulben, she confirmed we’d have. That moment I told Muhammed I should’ve come at his place, but I had an obligation.

In the other building, in a another lecture room, Benjamin was signing something “Nicky. Nicky. …”. We moved into the room next door where I smiled to Nelson II. I sat next to him, who told me he changed his mind. He’s looking from the other Nelson, but it’s not my business. The brown guy behind me asked me for a piece of paper calling me “Zlox”. Benjamin asked for a pen from me, he accepted my little pen and showed it to Tim indicating its size. Side note: The two of them are just a pale shadow of what they used to be.

I thought of asking for a piece of paper from Vanessa in front of me, yet I saved place on my only one.

Nelson I was exaggerating with his comments and throw-ins towards the assistant. He is acting like a child. His jokes aren’t interesting at all (It’s like to say that chicken gives birth to a calf. Funny?). If he knew this, he’d say they ARE interesting за some (“некои”)… oops “someone” (“некој”), and I’m saying that that someone will make you company in hell as you have started. I mean it’s obvious he’s a child of divorced parents and when the parents are sinning that much, what can be expected from the offspring? Ironically I understand him. When he talked and cried, he wasn’t obeyed, so now he talks (and he himself knows whether he cries) double more to reach a target – he to be a god and the adjective ALMIGHTY that still stands in his Facebook section about indicates it. OK, if you wanna fight, fight, but don’t show even a sign of anger if someone is better than you.

Why is living in the moment so important? Why the desire to be above the others is irreplaceable even with the vision of God? What kind of future will exist for him?

He has made contacts with many male and female colleagues, I see (Tag: Sandra).

For his selfishness speaks his arrogant and uncontrolled behavior towards the others because of the loss of the mutual parental love, instead of finding consolation in the right One. Would I be the same if I hadn’t taken the current way?

The assistant wanted some male to turn off the projector hanged on the ceiling. Somebody needed to stand on the desk behind me and Nelson II. Of course the non-mighty Nelson I wanted it Benjamin or Tim as he wasn’t tall. After Benjamin rejected him, he told him “You will say something”. So the word “Christianity” and even generally “religion” is unnecessary.  I am tall and the projector was very close to me, but of course, nobody remembered me. Let it be. They lose. It’s them whom the wall kept glowing to. Other, real persons will meet me in the most right light. Everything in its time.

When I think better, their sins don’t deserve to give them that much space and time.

On the way out, I could simply pass by the door, but held it a bit for the one behind – Vanessa. Yet I let it go, and she uneasily stopped it. Btw: Vanessa used the f-word again to a male again.

On the waiting area change of atmosphere, Andrea had already arrived and we both ordered toast.
-Why are you smiling? – Andrea asked me.
-Sarah isn’t that bad, is she?
-Which Sarah?
-Well Sarah… from your group…
-Aa “isn’t”. How isn’t she? She’s stupid. And were you smiling for that?
-Yes.
Actually, I was going through the material for my diary, among others this is one of the subjects as well.
-I saw you with her.
She told me they were together ‘cause they needed to buy or take sth.
-She made me nervous. – she admitted.
So she’s just using her for company. She has a lot of experience, I’m not saying no.

Nelson and Nelson II came to buy hamburgers.

I ate meat on a Wednesday that marked the beginning of the Christmas fast, but… I had already decided not to do it. I mean I know I can do it, just… my birthday’s coming and the others will judge, plus I understand the fast as a voluntary thing. Well it’s not that important what you eat, but what’s your soul like.

Andrea took water for me too. Positive gesture.

In the bus I sat next to Andrea. I was thinking about what kind of opinion I have about which colleague, similar to the table I did for my ex-class the summer. I’ll just say: Andrea: Positive, Nelson I: Negative.

Is there still hope for some people?

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Tuesday 27.11.2012

On the waiting area Troy stood to wait close to me.

Andrea and I decided to wait for the Maths pause to enter. We weren’t alone – Peter had overslept (so he was afraid of the professor). Andrea was sitting between us. He didn’t feeling like talking to me – obviously it depended on the mood. No problem: I had my Zlox girl who asked me about the seminar work. When the time came – I “helloed” Marcus, surprisingly Pete’s “Colleague why are you late?” was referring to me and Mike helped me in finding the list. Andrea wanted I to sit in the last rows, but I chose the second row filling the seat that Nelson II told me it was free, he also gave me his Maths notebook to rewrite the missed.

I smiled to Ergin who was sitting two seats away from me. On the second pause he touched my back when passing, behind him Reis just passed over me. I would exactly like to see where our tension will lead us to. I believe we are going to become very good friends. Four years ago, at times I was Sarah(ex-classmate)’s enemy, a year ago… you know. Plus we both hang out quite with the other nations and we’re both smart…

Benjamin didn’t say anything to me passing by me, just commented some word in German that someone didn’t know, but looked at Nelson II in the third row. Why? Simply because in his eyes Nelson was more normal than me. I have nothing personal against Nelson II (excluding his sins), but you know I hate scratching with what Nelson has reached that place at Benjamin. I know: Because Benjamin has seen Nelson II many more times with others than me. Not coincidently he told Nelson II that I accept to find a girlfriend and in similar situation looked at him while looking for someone to accompany him for eating (only not to be alone, of course). When will some people understand that being alone means COURAGE? Can’t they think? At the beginning God created only one man, God exists in three persons, but only Jesus lived on Earth as human, only One will judge us.

Being alone to me means fearlessness and appreciating spirituality more. That’s how I function and I like it.

I stayed alone, but Munin came next to me who had just arrived.

On the last third of Maths, after some outburst of Nelson I’s the professor couldn’t believe he was from Preevytip, assuming he was from Rudari or from Shlegovo. Impoliteness…

Muhammed arrived after Maths and sat next to me from my right, but I warned him a girl was sitting there referring Christy. Muhammed called me at his place, I told him “tomorrow maybe”. Munin came to sit next to me on my left. Reis asked me if the seats in the front row are free. Muhammed told Munin and I to move a seat to the right, and to the question “why”, he answered that a girl sat there. How come it occurred to him exactly then? Wasn’t he ignoring it? Or Ergin told him? Yet I moved. After Munin refused, funky-bugles-copysomeone was offering me “Funky”. The hand was Muriel’s, and when I looked at her, she looked at me reproachfully, but of course, for a master actor it was fake. I took one, Muhammed and Munin took too. Muhammed saw Dave alone, so he begged to sit next to him. At last Dave agreed and occupied the empty place. What was that? What’s that impoliteness from Muhammed’s side?

Munin accompanied Muhammed who went out to smoke, Dave asked me to switch my seat with Muhammed. “Why?” “He teases me a lot”. “There’s no understandment with him” – I commented, and the deeds confirm it. It stayed at “When he comes I’ll say to him”, but before he came, Willy who sat on the seat next to Dave told Christy her place has been taken. Now Dave told I to move one place to right, but the real me was firm: “I’m not moving”, so Dave stood up and went in another row. The Turks returned, Muhammed took the seat he sat before he left. There was an empty seat, and I move almost every Tuesday in order to see i.e. hear better on I.T.. I wasn’t allowing to be used anymore. I usually reach my goals patiently and indirectly, this time I changed the tactics:
-William does anyone sit there? Here does anyone sit? – I wasn’t smiling at all.
-No.
-Muhammed move there or I to pass to sit there!
There isn’t “if you want”.

He decided (or didn’t understand he had another option available) I to pass by him. To Munin I replied that from there it could be seen better.

On I.T. someone from behind gave Muhammed a bare chewing gum who tucked it in his pocket. The real me turned around to see who it was. It was Nelson I. We smiled at each other. I wasn’t given a gum, yet I consider this to be success. It was given to Muhammed out of pity, so imagine, in a way Nelson I feels me on the same level. I’m on a good track.

On the waiting area Andrea and a girl sat on the bench I was sitting. Andrea later told me it was Alison, Mike’s company. Andrea, I and the colleague from Radovish Trevor went in Campus 2 on the computers by Andrea’s idea to fill time. Andrea was scared from Maths’s Giovanni letting me to go first. She didn’t want him to embarrass her. Like she can’t embarrass him.

Home, Facebook reminded me it was Gedzo’s birthday. My brain simply forgets the info I don’t wanna care about. I wished him on his wall.

In the evening, I saw the mines passing on the road. I recognised Ethan and Brian. I removed my glasses, so I couldn’t see who waved me.
-He’s not shy anymore. – Brian proclaimed.
I was happy. Just like in the old times. Ah, nostalgie. …

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Monday 26.11.2012

After my walk, I went to C.2. There, the colleague’s voices were already audible in the hall. As I was climbing on the stairs I spotted Ergin near the fence. I didn’t look at him, I wanted to greet him when I arrive, but he went away. Let it be. Dave said this time he arrived first racing me out. Mike sitting on the merged chairs next to Gulben and Andrea repeated my “OK”. Dave went at Reis and co. → Scratch, scratch…

dartsAndrea who hurt her finger playing darts asked me if I’d ever played darts.
-I have.
-Where? – She asked me.
-On Sport.
-Hey that on the board. That’s not real.
-Not on the board, the other way.
-When?
-Well in sixth grade…

Come on, it’s not wroth. If she doesn’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Well Anthony the Cat brought dartboard and arrows for which the teacher Leslie said they last a whole century! I don’t care what Andrea thinks. Apparently there was real professional darts in Zlox for 20 denars per game. Andrea asked Mike what’s Alison’s name. Then the three of them discussed their smartphones.

Obviously somebody’s brain leaks as the the age increases, that’s why the modern devices are here – to ease the grief. I know how certain political party people come to second-hand materials, and the way resembles crime… Where is God to you?

Mike looked at me and blinked quickly twice. Why are people afraid of me?

Muhammed invited me to go with him outside to smoke, I accepted as I was alone. Ergin kept avoiding me despite the chat with Muhammed, but cursed, and Reis’s friend made his third verbal contact with me (yes, I’m counting) shouting to ask if we would have L.A..
-A who should I ask!?
Otherwise you don’t hang out with me, and when you have need, you communicate, a? What do I look like to you?

I didn’t even look aside to take a pause. He did take:
-The secretary.
-A is that at the counter?
Like I don’t know Gwen, but come on. They are yet to see me.
-It doesn’t matter. Go.
But unlike those that don’t talk to me at all, it did matter to me.

Muhammed told me that the main exit is blocked, but the decisive me went at the counter and asked if the she’s the secretary. I admit, it wasn’t logical to me Gwen to know this in the isolated office. The employee sent me at Gwen’s, I even asked her where she is. I sent Muhammed out as he insisted to ask later and went at Gwen’s. She told me we would have and the girl there told me some Sally told her the professor was coming.

Outside, in front of 2 Preevytip peers of mine I found out that Muhammed (who was now with a Turkish colleague) came on Saturday (“What did you do?” – “Normally, professor sits…”).

In the hall, we bumped into Reis. After he talked to Muhammed and greeted with the other Turk, he looked at me. A question followed if I had asked and what time we would have from. After all, he has a little trust in me anyway. He notified his friend.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

I returned to my old position in third floor hall. The it girl called me, I sat next to her as she wanted us to make a conversation. She asked me if I was fine, I asked her too. Muhammed dragged himself and talked with the it girl being obsessed with himself – his roommates went to Turkey, so he’s living alone now. When my turn came, I asked her if she was on Saturday, she was and told me they were 50-60 people.
-You should have told me to sign you.
-OK, a Sarah where is your Marcus?
-Why where is my Marcus? – She was surprised.
-Because you hang out together all the time.
-Marcus went downstairs with Naomi.

After they opened the lecture room 10’s door, we entered inside. Standard sitting: Gulben sat in the third row, I was behind her and Muhammed came next to me.

Muhammed told me he felt me like brother.
-Me too. – I said. -The others don’t hang me out a lot. I mean they do, but not that much.
Via Gulben translate he told me I had a special place in his heart.

I asked Gulben three times about the Saturday as we were interrupted by Muhammed.
-Don’t annoy.
-OK, cause in the group you’ve published that you signed some. I wanna know if I’m in them. – I defended myself.
-We signed only those with easier signatures.
-Aaa allegedly mine is hard.
Gulben asked for my name and to my remark that she didn’t remember it, she responded “it’s not one”. After I told it to her, she said “We’ll call you Nicky”. I asked her about Reis’s friend’s name, she told me it was Fred.

tumblr_lol4qbbvam1qh3x1zo1_500

The “3 way” girl

Reis asked a colleague if he knew what “3-way” was. It reminded me of his Facebook comment to Bobby: “3 way bro” regarding a sexy girl. Reis also asked what’s the only way to shut up a girl (kiss).

The it girl reacted to Reis’s behavior:
-Wow if I say what I remembered.

Andrea moved i.e. switched place with me in order to be closer to the window.

The Kumanovo guy wanted to pair me with Naomi. Despite the comment that she had a boyfriend (revealed by Andrea), he suggested us to fulfill the desire for one night. Of course, I refused. He had the same idea about Andrea, but I refused saying we were from the same village meaning we knew each other, although the Kumanovo guy encouraged it just because of it. When he mentioned Gulben, I told him she was from another religion.

I asked Gulben if the dean would reduce my points if I’m not signed for a lecture, she said:
-Well if you don’t sign he’ll certainly reduce your points.
After seeing Andrea’s signature who also didn’t come on Saturday, Gulben told her it was hard. So…

Zlox news from Andrea: A young man I didn’t know died.

She stood up to switch the position.

I asked Dave where Thomas was, he replied “Do you need him?”.

After L.A., I saw Dave standing and asked him if he was waiting for Thomas, he denied and we walked together on the road. We joined Muhammed and Gulben. I was in line with Muhammed, Dave was with Gulben. Muhammed talked with the twins while I was on his second plan.

Muhammed told he had a car in Turkey. After they entered in F.E.S., he grabbed my hand and:
-You to eat.
I told him I wasn’t hungry, but he was persistent to accompany him to eat. I accepted, I went with him.

Theory: Muhammed is just using me to get with the other colleagues paying me to be his plus one… Almost always he chose others when there were. He wanted to take me out previously with Sarah. And if he thinks he could use me having a good heart – I’m not being behind.

I rushed Muhammed while he was eating his burek as I was worried we’d be late. This time my group was having B.P. with the first one.

He didn’t have a 5 denars coin that the employee requested to pay. I offered to give him, he refused and waited for the employee to find.

The B.P. practices had already started when we entered. Dave was next to me, playing a game.

The students from Preevytip and Zlox left at 13:23, half an hour earlier for the bus at 14:00 with the assistant’s permission.

Nelson I and Andrea went to boutiques to look jackets while Nelson II and I waited outside. They were not afraid from God for leaving the practices earlier. I continued with Andrea as we separated from the Nelsons.

Andie S. was absent. I asked Andrea for the reason, she responded:
-Where should I know from? Why’re you asking me?

Andrea informed me that she would travel in December for sure. She asked me if the Turks stank to me, I negated.

Finally Andrea and I time. Can’t say I missed it.

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24.11.2012, 25.11.2012

Saturday 24.11.2012.

I didn’t go to Stip. At 09:07 Gulben shared that she’s with Muriel at Campus 2. I didn’t know whether to believe, she might have posted it because the dean released them, so they were timefilling. Why exactly today from all days? To make us jealous?

Sarah left home.

Nick Nickson asked in the group did we have B.P., Benjamin replied “Yesss…”, and Reis wrote to A. Sushison to shut up. Experience had told me not to believe in everything that I see, so those Benjamin’s “sss…” could sound like false brag that could mean arrangement of those who came for nothing to lie to the others and Reis’s comment might have been foreshadowing the truth. However Gulben’s comment “Dont worry we were 20 people we signed 50” ruined my doubts: they had. Now Reis’s comment probably referred that Sushi didn’t come, so his friend signed him.

THEY HAD! This is my second missed lecture so far. It’s not “let it be”. How could I afford it: only 3 working days the week? It’s not about the two and a half hours lecture… I would have progressed in spiritualism… We would have been a few so they would have felt me close… A mistake again! I didn’t listen to myself. Adele said that in high school our parents stand behind us, on faculty we build ourselves as persons… I’m failing the test now.

My family (that has hurt me by great lengths when I was vulnerable) influenced me again. When will some people understand that money isn’t so important?

At least I’m glad that the mistake happened now, in the first semester. I gained experience. Now I know. This will serve to me for sth greater, for example not to stop me from publishing my diary. From now on when it comes to my life, they are powerless.

Like my status on Ni Ck: I do regret… but I’m happy for my mistakes… they ALWAYS make me STRONGER!

 

Sunday 25.11.2012

I was making the Maths seminar work.

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Friday 23.11.2012

A day off from faculty, yet Andrea had called me at 08:13.

Sarah arrived with the bus for high school students.

She thought I should add an option G regarding my theory why Milo and the girl didn’t meet me last Monday: She saw me and didn’t like me. I don’t believe in it considering that I was carefully observing in the distance. What’s not to like if the only thing she wants me for is sex?

After I told her my important stories from these days, she said I was more relaxed for 80% compared with the previous year.

Then she analyzed on Facebook if my male colleagues tweeze their eyebrows. Outcome: From what we had available in the eyebrows untweezing my company were: David, Reis, Munin, Muhammed and another guy. “I’m from village” is a good excuse, right?

In 19:11 some Delia Reeves shared in the group that Gwen sent her a return email that we’d have B.P. the next day for the Wednesday. The others grumbled, and from home I was told not to go. Mum washed my head, but they convinced me not to go.

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Thursday 22.11.2012

Andrea wasn’t in the bus.

While I was waiting in the faculty’s hall, the first group arrived without Andrea. Muhammed and Dave shook hands with me and sat next to me. After Dave swapped with Gulben, I asked her if Andrea had come on Maths with their group, she did(!) but told others to sign her for Electrotechnics. I asked Gulben will we study in Saturday to work for the Wednesday because of the tree day, she said to me:
-Are you all right? – That question here too.
-I don’t know, that’s what they said on the news.
Mum was sure we’ll study in Saturday though.

As they were talking about last night’s students’ party, I assumed the party girl felt too tired for her day to function the standard way.

As soon as he arrived, Marcus came to greet me (just hitting, a la female). Was it the same Marcus that teased me which girl I like? Btw, the it girl saw me, but didn’t come to greet. I am boring to her, I see.

In Amphitheater 2 I entered first and sat in the third row, the M.H.G. placed himself in front of me. Next to me, Muhammed sat on my right, Dave wanted to sit on my left, but the seat was broken so he sat a seat further. I asked Dave what happened with his other friend Bennett (here known as #2), he didn’t know, but told me he would write to him on Facebook. Just when I remember I used to call them popular… Muhammed asked me for my telephone number. He finally had index that showed me which came in package with a secret. He couldn’t quite explain me the secret that in his words only I was supposed to know, so he addressed Reis to translate. Before telling me Reis prepared looking aside to tell me the secret knowing that I’ll look him in the eyes. He had learnt the order… When I heard the mistake I smiled, he didn’t. On the one hand it means that he is sincere (not pretending), on the other hand – that he has explored me and concluded I’m not good as I look. I don’t regret. Muhammed showed Dave and me his driver license and the many cell phone cards.

After the professor entered, Christian behind me was asking me what’s up with Virginia. He suggested me to poke her and like on Facebook. Allegedly she was interested in me and as she was a “handbo’ player” she had a “tight pussy” (like it mattered to me).

Someone raced me in giving the Electrotechnics script to the professor, but Reis took mine.

On the pause, Nelson was looking at me, so I went next to him and we chatted. He was interested about Andrea, I found out Nelson I went hitchhiking and that Nelson II finished Computer Studies in EMUC Stip. I should have stayed longer, instead I told him I was bored.

Back to my place, I felt my phone vibrating. I was ignoring it, assuming it was mum, yet decided to see if it was Andrea. Neither, it was Muhammed.
-Hello.
All of the remained people in the room got quiet.
-Nilk.
-Yes.
I avoided a name.
-Is Gulben there?
-She is not here. C’mon come.
-OK.
-Who was it? – Thomas asked me.
-Muhammed.

02547716-copyThomas was throwing the chalk at me again, but without success. He asked me whether I would withstand if he hits me with the chair, I asked him “What chair with”.
-With this one – showing the professor’s.
-No.
-“What chair with” – Thomas copied me, he had nothing else left.
Luckily there were two other chairs.

While he was walking the row, Reis greeted Nelson II the male way. Scratch, scratch. It’s too obvious that some others think because I’m mostly alone, I’m not normal. No, it’s just a proof for my courage and endurance.

The others had come when I asked Thomas which village he comes from even though from Facebook I knew he is from Zrnovci. He invited me to come there, he had a shop in the center. Diana (Reis’s curly haired friend), told him not to fuck me up while Reis didn’t believe it.

Christian part 2: Apparently Virginia told him I didn’t “like” her photos and he suggested to compliment her on her legs. According to him, the male should woo. Who said Boki 13 is a male? He asked me I had “fucked” until now, I told the truth.
-And will you fuck Virg?
-If she wants.
Meaning: in marriage.
-And do you have a condom in you?
-No.
-How come you don’t. Without a condom she wouldn’t want.
And better. Some people never got bored with sex.

Benjamin asked I and Muhammed “Where are you brothers”, I asked him about Andrea. Like Melanie (I missed that name now) said to me four years ago: “You can’t if you don’t check”.

Ergin (Next to Reis) asked me if the latter on the board in the formula was λ, I confirmed him, but it turned out to be ϴ. Ergin returned the book to me instead of the careless Reis.

The Kumanovo guy was calling me to reach Virg, yet I went out the front door. Muhammed and Reis walked together, behind them were Ergin and I.

Ergin commented that we finally finished, I asked him where he is from from Turkey and where he’s staying now. He also asked me where was I from and if I’m staying in Stip. He said I didn’t have another choice but to travel, he was wrong. At the end, I felt like I should put my hand on the lower part of his back, yet decided to pass. However he did it to me, and I copied him. I caught up with Muriel, but we didn’t say anything to each other. So Andrea thought of her when she told me the colleagues from our group were “upped”. I sat in the second row, Muriel was in front of me. After she gave me the list I asked her if Emily’s gonna come to sit next to her, she was. Emily sat next to me.

On the practices I realised the] others practice Maths at home, I write my diary.

In the yard passed over Virginia without saying anything. There wasn’t what. I mean, I’d
rather chose another girl that I know, she is too unexplored to me.

punch-png-4I asked Thomas if he was leaving, he was. He wanted to go on broth, but I preferred to eat home. He wanted to punch me (whether I would withstand), I agreed, but I blinked when he was coming close. For him there was no reason to do it as I was a “good kid”. “Very good”. He’ll see how good I am. He’ll read.
-I can be bad if I want – I said.
-You can be better?
-Bad I can be.
-Be bad.
My death stare followed. He was surprised. When we arrived on the waiting area he pointed the bad me to Muriel and Emily. He said he had money to treat me for broth showing me the winning ticket from a betting shop (400 den.). I didn’t congratulate him. Ah, sins… He then wanted I to kick Emily. I agreed only if he tells her. He said it but she didn’t hear him. Muriel looked at him instead.
-To Muriel. – Thomas said.
There I was, I stood next to Muriel, I raised my left leg next to her knees and I gently kicked her.
-What did I do to you? – she protested.
-You didn’t do anything to me.
That was the problem. Nothing. She should have given me spirituality. Either Thomas either a friend of his told Muriel he made me do it, so she went after him and got physical. She said:
-I’m mad at you – to me and -I’m not mad at you – to Thomas.
-You aren’t a friend of mine anymore.
-Like I was until now.
I left her speechless. I do it very well. The bad me is cynical, you know.
-It he did that to me… – The other girl threw in.
-Are you gonna take mind from Thomas… Look how he’s looking at me – Emily was looking at me.
Well when you didn’t even try to take from you, I did what the others would do. In fact God has already given me mind and you should be thankful that I don’t judge you that you didn’t choose this way.

Muriel had gone aside speaking on the phone with who else but her family.

Their bus arrived, Thomas held his hand to greet me on what I call the female way, I gripped his hand the male way. The other guy greeted as well while Muriel just abruptly touched me (arm-back). I appreciated the signed, so I asked her “Are you mad at me?”.
-She’s mad at you ‘cos you didn’t kick her hard – Thomas said leavingly.

After all I’m interesting to these guys. They were looking me from the bus, and I became aware of it late. They mean to me. I believe they are going to see more of me in the role of the bad me. Not seriously, of course. I can be bad by great lengths, but regardless of what they (don’t) do, they come from God. I can still hate their and my sins. Yes, I succeeded in this target even though it was rough at the beginning. They saw me in my bad light, I even wished I’d escaped in monastery, but the real me won with God’s help. It’s not perfect, but I see they have accepted me. Analogically I could be accepted if I changed this way (Read: showed the real me) the senior year, yet I was patient preparing for something bigger.

Home, it was published in the group we aren’t having I.T. practices tomorrow. Last Friday the Electrotechnics assistant told us probably we won’t have Electrotechnics practices too, so it’s a day off.

Willy added me on Facebook.

Thanksgiving!

Although we are not celebrating it, in my opinion there should be a Thanksgiving day in Macedonia.

I’m mostly thankful to God for His love and help to me. Compared to last year I’ve passed through the most changing period of my life. I socialised myself. I’m not gay anymore. I know the real values of religion. I love much more!

Thank you all.

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