Thursday 29.11.2012

Rain.

I finally I went at “Slavey” to try my corset. The responsible man probably Vincent, didn’t recognise me. It took him a while doing something to it, then I had to take off my blouse and my pants to the knees. I would have prepared myself if I had known I was gonna do it.

I was waiting alone again the second floor hall of Campus 2. Gulben and Andrea came and sat next to me.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

Gulben served me waffle, Andrea ate mekica, I had eaten burek and we discussed food. Andrea went to wash her hands, I used the opportunity to ask Gulben:
-Where are the others?
-Waiting downstairs. Waiting for a bus.
She asked me if I knew it, then explained to me it was a line from a “Solzi i smea” sketch. Couple in bed - CopyShe found it on YouTube on her phone and gave me her headphones to listen. My hands were shivering. No one has done it before to me. I got used to it although there was a couple in bed, but Gulben and Andrea headed outside Andrea to smoke and invited me who didn’t want to be seen with girls, yet I went with them from behind.

In the hall we saw Muhammed and his Turkish friend. We shook hands and I continued with them. Muhammed called me to go with him outside for 5 minutes, I didn’t want and he left his notebook. In A.2 I was thinking where to sit. I secretly wanted behind Reis in the third row, but… I took my old position, Dave sat next to me. Reis kept the place in front of me for Diana. The others came. Al didn’t know where Reis was from – Radanje. Andrea has brought a guest.

Reis and I just looked at each other, I wasn’t afraid.

Muhammed commented to me: “You are a very good man”. He called me “man” for the first time. His Turkish friend was active with him. I asked Muhammed about his leaving, he said he went to Turkey for the weekend, translated by his friend. Ooops, he said even if he goes with his brother, he’s coming back. Ooops, he’s staying, not leaving. He has index.

He invited me to go out, I refused. Then Mike addressed to me from behind:
-Nicky this Muhammed gay.
Using the gay word in front of me and not referring to me? A good thing.
-He’s not gay. – I responded.
He just has a high level of spirituality.

I helloed Ergin first, he asked me if I was fine.

Meanwhile Diana didn’t come, so Reis placed himself in front of me again.

705208_495469423818080_1699015219_o - CopyGulben took a photo of several colleagues sitting including me. Al suggested to Reis “the insane one” to take a photo of them and he agreed. So, they were talking about me. Let it be.

Muhammed said the others talked a lot after Thomas sitting next to Dave called him, then complained that his head hurt him. I asked him if he had roommates and via Reis translate I was told he didn’t. I commented that it shouldn’t hurt him in that case. Reis refused to join Bobby, to which he said:
-You’re gay when you don’t wanna come.
-Wait. Fuck you! – Reis reacted.

Nelson I smiled to me.

I was looking at Reis who noticed it. That’s why I looked at his eyes. He was looking at Al’s smartphone.

Muhammed was speaking about penis size and showed with his hand ‘till the elbow about Reis’s one. Bobby questioned him where he knew from i.e. if he had seen it. I just smiled.

This time Reis had script. The professor came, Muhammed’s friend had left.

On the Math practices, Gulben asked me:
-What’s going on with you?
The assistant was surprised.
-I’m tired. My head hurts. I’m not OK.
I wanted to know why she came with our group, she said she needed to go somewhere with Muriel later. I asked her what kind of job they had, she told me they needed to ask for voucher. She’s poor, so what?

Nothing with Pete: first I didn’t turn towards him, then he didn’t turn towards me.

Thomas called me on broth, I refused him.

In the yard the Mines 2 were behind me – no action.

On the waiting area I was disappointed a lot. I didn’t reach my target. Either I was wrong, either it was taken away from me. I was waiting alone. Like the others always had someone, I was alone. Then… coming from the distance, Thomas appeared. Usually when I see someone, I don’t look at the person all the time, this time it was different.
-Are you OK? – He asked me.
-OK, but not so good.
-Why?
-I’m not telling you.
-Tell me.
-No.
I asked him where he’s been, but he was persistent to know why, so I told him to guess. He suggested it was about a girl, then presumed Muhammed got mad at me and then it occurred to him it may be Muriel related. At last I opened to him:
-I’m lonely. Nobody hangs me out. I mean, they do, but a little.
Thomas claimed he was the same too, I denied it, to which he asked me who he hangs out with, I pointed out Dave. He didn’t have a counterargument, but he negated.
-Well speak. Talk. – He advised me.
-Tell me what should I do. I won’t get offended.
-Talk, ask “what are you doing?”. You don’t talk.
True. But how can I talk when I don’t even like my voice? Not to mention the appearance.

Muriel came after finishing the job. She spoke to Thomas who went under the eaves, but I respected her privacy.

-Are you friends? – Thomas asked me.
-Muriel should tell you that.
-Shake hands.
I stretched my arm. She grabbed two of my fingers while speaking on her phone. The next time there will be more.

When my bus came, I said to them before leaving “Come on colleagues”.

I was happy, smiling in the bus.

In the evening Barbara wrote to me on Facebook. She invited me to come at her place and download some programs, I said it’s better she to come, but she wanted me to go first.

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Wednesday 28.11.2012

I went to faculty without bag.

We were late again, this time the Kumanovo guy greeted with us the door. I did it the girly way again.

Andrea sat next to me in the fourth row, then she went to Tailor. I intended to ask Nelson II if the list had passed, but he wasn’t looking towards my side. Nelson II was far from me, but Nelson I was passing right in front me in the first row. He wasn’t looking at me either, but I called him:
-Nelson, did the list pass?
-The list for signing?
-Yes, the list.
-It didn’t. Now he went to bring it.
Until now I had a plan regarding him, from the moment I decided to ask him, I decided not to have one at all. Why? Probably because I’m not afraid of him. He considers this as a working relationship, I consider it as an acquaintance relation.

But the relationship that followed between he and Benjamin was very friendly. Apparently they talked about Nelson’s working out. Didn’t Benjamin said once he’s coming to Zlox we to find girlfriend? Ooops, Nelson’s standing on my way… Very likely Benjamin would stay longer at Nelson’s in Preevytip, and I used to consider Andrea for a threat… Plans, complications… everything could result with the fake me = nothing… Noo, it’s still early. Anyway, maybe we spent our time differently, importantly we both were doing something. While he was sweating playing football, I was enjoying in the art of the modern ballet.

The colleague who was sitting from my right wanted I to move to left, in order his friend to sit next to him, but I was interested whether Andrea would like to move, she moved from behind.

If I hadn’t asked Benjamin where he sat while passing by me, he wouldn’t have asked me “Where are you Nicky?”

This Wednesday returned to me the feeling that called “horror” referring to the events from Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Muhammed was absent, Munin was absent, the others were close mutually, and I… I wasn’t in the mood. The professor was observing me, I had my death stare. Why didn’t they want me? Well I abound with spirituality. What makes sins so attractive?

On the second break, Munin arrived and sat behind me. He didn’t want to tell me why he was late not to be heard by the professor who assumingly looked at me cause I’m weird to him (I was serious, antisocial, then very social, smiling). Weird? I’m just getting started. And how would I be like when he finds out he was supposed to be my godfather?

Munin continued his talk with the Turk next to him, but the freshly-arrived Muhammed was targeting to sit next to me. He sat next to Munin after he learnt it was taken.

Ergin smiled and waved to me at the door. Intriguingly I saw Andrea talking with the it girl and smiling to her. [Prior to this day Andrea shared with me she had a negative opinion about the it girl.] What happened? Tailor liked them?

After the lecture I heard the colleagues from the first group talking if we’d have Maths additional. I asked Gulben, she confirmed we’d have. That moment I told Muhammed I should’ve come at his place, but I had an obligation.

In the other building, in a another lecture room, Benjamin was signing something “Nicky. Nicky. …”. We moved into the room next door where I smiled to Nelson II. I sat next to him, who told me he changed his mind. He’s looking from the other Nelson, but it’s not my business. The dark guy behind me asked me for a piece of paper calling me “Zlox”. Benjamin asked for a pen from me, he accepted my little pen and showed it to Tim indicating its size. Side note: The two of them are just a pale shadow of what they used to be.

I thought of asking for a piece of paper from Vanessa in front of me, yet I saved place on my only one.

Nelson I was exaggerating with his comments and throw-ins towards the assistant. He is acting like a child. His jokes aren’t interesting at all (It’s like to say that chicken gives birth to a calf. Funny?). If he knew this, he’d say they ARE interesting за some (“некои”)… oops “someone” (“некој”), and I’m saying that that someone will make you company in hell as you have started. I mean it’s obvious he’s a child of divorced parents and when the parents are sinning that much, what can be expected from the offspring? Ironically I understand him. When he talked and cried, he wasn’t obeyed, so now he talks (and he himself knows whether he cries) double more to reach a target – he to be a god and the adjective ALMIGHTY that still stands in his Facebook section about indicates it. OK, if you wanna fight, fight, but don’t show even a sign of anger if someone is better than you.

Why is living in the moment so important? Why the desire to be above the others is irreplaceable even with the vision of God? What kind of future will exist for him?

He has made contacts with many male and female colleagues, I see (Tag: Sandra).

For his selfishness speaks his arrogant and uncontrolled behavior towards the others because of the loss of the mutual parental love, instead of finding consolation in the right One. Would I be the same if I hadn’t taken the current way?

The assistant wanted some male to turn off the projector hanged on the ceiling. Somebody needed to stand on the desk behind me and Nelson II. Of course the non-mighty Nelson I wanted it Benjamin or Tim as he wasn’t tall. After Benjamin rejected him, he told him “You will say something”. So the word “Christianity” and even generally “religion” is unnecessary.  I am tall and the projector was very close to me, but of course, nobody remembered me. Let it be. They lose. It’s them whom the wall kept glowing to. Other, real persons will meet me in the most right light. Everything in its time.

When I think better, their sins don’t deserve to give them that much space and time.

On the way out, I could simply pass by the door, but held it a bit for the one behind – Vanessa. Yet I let it go, and she uneasily stopped it. Btw: Vanessa used the f-word again to a male again.

On the waiting area change of atmosphere, Andrea had already arrived and we both ordered toast.
-Why are you smiling? – Andrea asked me.
-Sarah isn’t that bad, is she?
-Which Sarah?
-Well Sarah… from your group…
-Aa “isn’t”. How isn’t she? She’s stupid. And were you smiling for that?
-Yes.
Actually, I was going through the material for my diary, among others this is one of the subjects as well.
-I saw you with her.
She told me they were together ‘cause they needed to buy or take sth.
-She made me nervous. – she admitted.
So she’s just using her for company. She has a lot of experience, I’m not saying no.

Nelson and Nelson II came to buy hamburgers.

I ate meat on a Wednesday that marked the beginning of the Christmas fast, but… I had already decided not to do it. I mean I know I can do it, just… my birthday’s coming and the others will judge, plus I understand the fast as a voluntary thing. Well it’s not that important what you eat, but what’s your soul like.

Andrea took water for me too. Positive gesture.

In the bus I sat next to Andrea. I was thinking about what kind of opinion I have about which colleague, similar to the table I did for my ex-class the summer. I’ll just say: Andrea: Positive, Nelson I: Negative.

Is there still hope for some people?

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Tuesday 27.11.2012

On the waiting area Troy stood to wait close to me.

Andrea and I decided to wait for the Maths pause to enter. We weren’t alone – Peter had overslept (so he was afraid of the professor). Andrea was sitting between us. He didn’t feeling like talking to me – obviously it depended on the mood. No problem: I had my Zlox girl who asked me about the seminar work. When the time came – I “helloed” Marcus, surprisingly Pete’s “Colleague why are you late?” was referring to me and Mike helped me in finding the list. Andrea wanted I to sit in the last rows, but I chose the second row filling the seat that Nelson II told me it was free, he also gave me his Maths notebook to rewrite the missed.

I smiled to Ergin who was sitting two seats away from me. On the second pause he touched my back when passing, behind him Reis just passed over me. I would exactly like to see where our tension will lead us to. I believe we are going to become very good friends. Four years ago, at times I was Sarah(ex-classmate)’s enemy, a year ago… you know. Plus we both hang out quite with the other nations and we’re both smart…

Benjamin didn’t say anything to me passing by me, just commented some word in German that someone didn’t know, but looked at Nelson II in the third row. Why? Simply because in his eyes Nelson was more normal than me. I have nothing personal against Nelson II (excluding his sins), but you know I hate scratching with what Nelson has reached that place at Benjamin. I know: Because Benjamin has seen Nelson II many more times with others than me. Not coincidently he told Nelson II that I accept to find a girlfriend and in similar situation looked at him while looking for someone to accompany him for eating (only not to be alone, of course). When will some people understand that being alone means COURAGE? Can’t they think? At the beginning God created only one man, God exists in three persons, but only Jesus lived on Earth as human, only One will judge us.

Being alone to me means fearlessness and appreciating spirituality more. That’s how I function and I like it.

I stayed alone, but Munin came next to me who had just arrived.

On the last third of Maths, after some outburst of Nelson I’s the professor couldn’t believe he was from Preevytip, assuming he was from Rudari or from Shlegovo. Impoliteness…

Muhammed arrived after Maths and sat next to me from my right, but I warned him a girl was sitting there referring Christy. Muhammed called me at his place, I told him “tomorrow maybe”. Munin came to sit next to me on my left. Reis asked me if the seats in the front row are free. Muhammed told Munin and I to move a seat to the right, and to the question “why”, he answered that a girl sat there. How come it occurred to him exactly then? Wasn’t he ignoring it? Or Ergin told him? Yet I moved. After Munin refused, funky-bugles-copysomeone was offering me “Funky”. The hand was Muriel’s, and when I looked at her, she looked at me reproachfully, but of course, for a master actor it was fake. I took one, Muhammed and Munin took too. Muhammed saw Dave alone, so he begged to sit next to him. At last Dave agreed and occupied the empty place. What was that? What’s that impoliteness from Muhammed’s side?

Munin accompanied Muhammed who went out to smoke, Dave asked me to switch my seat with Muhammed. “Why?” “He teases me a lot”. “There’s no understandment with him” – I commented, and the deeds confirm it. It stayed at “When he comes I’ll say to him”, but before he came, Willy who sat on the seat next to Dave told Christy her place has been taken. Now Dave told I to move one place to right, but the real me was firm: “I’m not moving”, so Dave stood up and went in another row. The Turks returned, Muhammed took the seat he sat before he left. There was an empty seat, and I move almost every Tuesday in order to see i.e. hear better on I.T.. I wasn’t allowing to be used anymore. I usually reach my goals patiently and indirectly, this time I changed the tactics:
-William does anyone sit there? Here does anyone sit? – I wasn’t smiling at all.
-No.
-Muhammed move there or I to pass to sit there!
There isn’t “if you want”.

He decided (or didn’t understand he had another option available) I to pass by him. To Munin I replied that from there it could be seen better.

On I.T. someone from behind gave Muhammed a bare chewing gum who tucked it in his pocket. The real me turned around to see who it was. It was Nelson I. We smiled at each other. I wasn’t given a gum, yet I consider this to be success. It was given to Muhammed out of pity, so imagine, in a way Nelson I feels me on the same level. I’m on a good track.

On the waiting area Andrea and a girl sat on the bench I was sitting. Andrea later told me it was Alison, Mike’s company. Andrea, I and the colleague from Radovish Trevor went in Campus 2 on the computers by Andrea’s idea to fill time. Andrea was scared from Maths’s Giovanni letting me to go first. She didn’t want him to embarrass her. Like she can’t embarrass him.

Home, Facebook reminded me it was Gedzo’s birthday. My brain simply forgets the info I don’t wanna care about. I wished him on his wall.

In the evening, I saw the mines passing on the road. I recognised Ethan and Brian. I removed my glasses, so I couldn’t see who waved me.
-He’s not shy anymore. – Brian proclaimed.
I was happy. Just like in the old times. Ah, nostalgie. …

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Monday 26.11.2012

After my walk, I went to C.2. There, the colleague’s voices were already audible in the hall. As I was climbing on the stairs I spotted Ergin near the fence. I didn’t look at him, I wanted to greet him when I arrive, but he went away. Let it be. Dave said this time he arrived first racing me out. Mike sitting on the merged chairs next to Gulben and Andrea repeated my “OK”. Dave went at Reis and co. → Scratch, scratch…

dartsAndrea who hurt her finger playing darts asked me if I’d ever played darts.
-I have.
-Where? – She asked me.
-On Sport.
-Hey that on the board. That’s not real.
-Not on the board, the other way.
-When?
-Well in sixth grade…

Come on, it’s not wroth. If she doesn’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Well Anthony the Cat brought dartboard and arrows for which the teacher Leslie said they last a whole century! I don’t care what Andrea thinks. Apparently there was real professional darts in Zlox for 20 denars per game. Andrea asked Mike what’s Alison’s name. Then the three of them discussed their smartphones.

Obviously somebody’s brain leaks as the the age increases, that’s why the modern devices are here – to ease the grief. I know how certain political party people come to second-hand materials, and the way resembles crime… Where is God to you?

Mike looked at me and blinked quickly twice. Why are people afraid of me?

Muhammed invited me to go with him outside to smoke, I accepted as I was alone. Ergin kept avoiding me despite the chat with Muhammed, but cursed, and Reis’s friend made his third verbal contact with me (yes, I’m counting) shouting to ask if we would have L.A..
-A who should I ask!?
Otherwise you don’t hang out with me, and when you have need, you communicate, a? What do I look like to you?

I didn’t even look aside to take a pause. He did take:
-The secretary.
-A is that at the counter?
Like I don’t know Gwen, but come on. They are yet to see me.
-It doesn’t matter. Go.
But unlike those that don’t talk to me at all, it did matter to me.

Muhammed told me that the main exit is blocked, but the decisive me went at the counter and asked if the she’s the secretary. I admit, it wasn’t logical to me Gwen to know this in the isolated office. The employee sent me at Gwen’s, I even asked her where she is. I sent Muhammed out as he insisted to ask later and went at Gwen’s. She told me we would have and the girl there told me some Sally told her the professor was coming.

Outside, in front of 2 Preevytip peers of mine I found out that Muhammed (who was now with a Turkish colleague) came on Saturday (“What did you do?” – “Normally, professor sits…”).

In the hall, we bumped into Reis. After he talked to Muhammed and greeted with the other Turk, he looked at me. A question followed if I had asked and what time we would have from. After all, he has a little trust in me anyway. He notified his friend.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

I returned to my old position in third floor hall. The it girl called me, I sat next to her as she wanted us to make a conversation. She asked me if I was fine, I asked her too. Muhammed dragged himself and talked with the it girl being obsessed with himself – his roommates went to Turkey, so he’s living alone now. When my turn came, I asked her if she was on Saturday, she was and told me they were 50-60 people.
-You should have told me to sign you.
-OK, a Sarah where is your Marcus?
-Why where is my Marcus? – She was surprised.
-Because you hang out together all the time.
-Marcus went downstairs with Naomi.

After they opened the lecture room 10’s door, we entered inside. Standard sitting: Gulben sat in the third row, I was behind her and Muhammed came next to me.

Muhammed told me he felt me like brother.
-Me too. – I said. -The others don’t hang me out a lot. I mean they do, but not that much.
Via Gulben translate he told me I had a special place in his heart.

I asked Gulben three times about the Saturday as we were interrupted by Muhammed.
-Don’t annoy.
-OK, cause in the group you’ve published that you signed some. I wanna know if I’m in them. – I defended myself.
-We signed only those with easier signatures.
-Aaa allegedly mine is hard.
Gulben asked for my name and to my remark that she didn’t remember it, she responded “it’s not one”. After I told it to her, she said “We’ll call you Nicky”. I asked her about Reis’s friend’s name, she told me it was Fred.

tumblr_lol4qbbvam1qh3x1zo1_500

The “3 way” girl

Reis asked a colleague if he knew what “3-way” was. It reminded me of his Facebook comment to Bobby: “3 way bro” regarding a sexy girl. Reis also asked what’s the only way to shut up a girl (kiss).

The it girl reacted to Reis’s behavior:
-Wow if I say what I remembered.

Andrea moved i.e. switched place with me in order to be closer to the window.

The Kumanovo guy wanted to pair me with Naomi. Despite the comment that she had a boyfriend (revealed by Andrea), he suggested us to fulfill the desire for one night. Of course, I refused. He had the same idea about Andrea, but I refused saying we were from the same village meaning we knew each other, although the Kumanovo guy encouraged it just because of it. When he mentioned Gulben, I told him she was from another religion.

I asked Gulben if the dean would reduce my points if I’m not signed for a lecture, she said:
-Well if you don’t sign he’ll certainly reduce your points.
After seeing Andrea’s signature who also didn’t come on Saturday, Gulben told her it was hard. So…

Zlox news from Andrea: A young man I didn’t know died.

She stood up to switch the position.

I asked Dave where Thomas was, he replied “Do you need him?”.

After L.A., I saw Dave standing and asked him if he was waiting for Thomas, he denied and we walked together on the road. We joined Muhammed and Gulben. I was in line with Muhammed, Dave was with Gulben. Muhammed talked with the twins while I was on his second plan.

Muhammed told he had a car in Turkey. After they entered in F.E.S., he grabbed my hand and:
-You to eat.
I told him I wasn’t hungry, but he was persistent to accompany him to eat. I accepted, I went with him.

Theory: Muhammed is just using me to get with the other colleagues paying me to be his plus one… Almost always he chose others when there were. He wanted to take me out previously with Sarah. And if he thinks he could use me having a good heart – I’m not being behind.

I rushed Muhammed while he was eating his burek as I was worried we’d be late. This time my group was having B.P. with the first one.

He didn’t have a 5 denars coin that the employee requested to pay. I offered to give him, he refused and waited for the employee to find.

The B.P. practices had already started when we entered. Dave was next to me, playing a game.

The students from Preevytip and Zlox left at 13:23, half an hour earlier for the bus at 14:00 with the assistant’s permission.

Nelson I and Andrea went to boutiques to look jackets while Nelson II and I waited outside. They were not afraid from God for leaving the practices earlier. I continued with Andrea as we separated from the Nelsons.

Andie S. was absent. I asked Andrea for the reason, she responded:
-Where should I know from? Why’re you asking me?

Andrea informed me that she would travel in December for sure. She asked me if the Turks stank to me, I negated.

Finally Andrea and I time. Can’t say I missed it.

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24.11.2012, 25.11.2012

Saturday 24.11.2012.

I didn’t go to Stip. At 09:07 Gulben shared that she’s with Muriel at Campus 2. I didn’t know whether to believe, she might have posted it because the dean released them, so they were timefilling. Why exactly today from all days? To make us jealous?

Sarah left home.

Nick Nickson asked in the group did we have B.P., Benjamin replied “Yesss…”, and Reis wrote to A. Sushison to shut up. Experience had told me not to believe in everything that I see, so those Benjamin’s “sss…” could sound like false brag that could mean arrangement of those who came for nothing to lie to the others and Reis’s comment might have been foreshadowing the truth. However Gulben’s comment “Dont worry we were 20 people we signed 50” ruined my doubts: they had. Now Reis’s comment probably referred that Sushi didn’t come, so his friend signed him.

THEY HAD! This is my second missed lecture so far. It’s not “let it be”. How could I afford it: only 3 working days the week? It’s not about the two and a half hours lecture… I would have progressed in spiritualism… We would have been a few so they would have felt me close… A mistake again! I didn’t listen to myself. Adele said that in high school our parents stand behind us, on faculty we build ourselves as persons… I’m failing the test now.

My family (that has hurt me by great lengths when I was vulnerable) influenced me again. When will some people understand that money isn’t so important?

At least I’m glad that the mistake happened now, in the first semester. I gained experience. Now I know. This will serve to me for sth greater, for example not to stop me from publishing my diary. From now on when it comes to my life, they are powerless.

Like my status on Ni Ck: I do regret… but I’m happy for my mistakes… they ALWAYS make me STRONGER!

 

Sunday 25.11.2012

I was making the Maths seminar work.

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Friday 23.11.2012

A day off from faculty, yet Andrea had called me at 08:13.

Sarah arrived with the bus for high school students.

She thought I should add an option G regarding my theory why Milo and the girl didn’t meet me last Monday: She saw me and didn’t like me. I don’t believe in it considering that I was carefully observing in the distance. What’s not to like if the only thing she wants me for is sex?

After I told her my important stories from these days, she said I was more relaxed for 80% compared with the previous year.

Then she analyzed on Facebook if my male colleagues tweeze their eyebrows. Outcome: From what we had available in the eyebrows untweezing my company were: David, Reis, Munin, Muhammed and another guy. “I’m from village” is a good excuse, right?

In 19:11 some Delia Reeves shared in the group that Gwen sent her a return email that we’d have B.P. the next day for the Wednesday. The others grumbled, and from home I was told not to go. Mum washed my head, but they convinced me not to go.

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Thursday 22.11.2012

Andrea wasn’t in the bus.

While I was waiting in the faculty’s hall, the first group arrived without Andrea. Muhammed and Dave shook hands with me and sat next to me. After Dave swapped with Gulben, I asked her if Andrea had come on Maths with their group, she did(!) but told others to sign her for Electrotechnics. I asked Gulben will we study in Saturday to work for the Wednesday because of the tree day, she said to me:
-Are you all right? – That question here too.
-I don’t know, that’s what they said on the news.
Mum was sure we’ll study in Saturday though.

As they were talking about last night’s students’ party, I assumed the party girl felt too tired for her day to function the standard way.

As soon as he arrived, Marcus came to greet me (just hitting, a la female). Was it the same Marcus that teased me which girl I like? Btw, the it girl saw me, but didn’t come to greet. I am boring to her, I see.

In Amphitheater 2 I entered first and sat in the third row, the M.H.G. placed himself in front of me. Next to me, Muhammed sat on my right, Dave wanted to sit on my left, but the seat was broken so he sat a seat further. I asked Dave what happened with his other friend Bennett (here known as #2), he didn’t know, but told me he would write to him on Facebook. Just when I remember I used to call them popular… Muhammed asked me for my telephone number. He finally had index that showed me which came in package with a secret. He couldn’t quite explain me the secret that in his words only I was supposed to know, so he addressed Reis to translate. Before telling me Reis prepared looking aside to tell me the secret knowing that I’ll look him in the eyes. He had learnt the order… When I heard the mistake I smiled, he didn’t. On the one hand it means that he is sincere (not pretending), on the other hand – that he has explored me and concluded I’m not good as I look. I don’t regret. Muhammed showed Dave and me his driver license and the many cell phone cards.

After the professor entered, Christian behind me was asking me what’s up with Virginia. He suggested me to poke her and like on Facebook. Allegedly she was interested in me and as she was a “handbo’ player” she had a “tight pussy” (like it mattered to me).

Someone raced me in giving the Electrotechnics script to the professor, but Reis took mine.

On the pause, Nelson was looking at me, so I went next to him and we chatted. He was interested about Andrea, I found out Nelson I went hitchhiking and that Nelson II finished Computer Studies in EMUC Stip. I should have stayed longer, instead I told him I was bored.

Back to my place, I felt my phone vibrating. I was ignoring it, assuming it was mum, yet decided to see if it was Andrea. Neither, it was Muhammed.
-Hello.
All of the remained people in the room got quiet.
-Nilk.
-Yes.
I avoided a name.
-Is Gulben there?
-She is not here. C’mon come.
-OK.
-Who was it? – Thomas asked me.
-Muhammed.

02547716-copyThomas was throwing the chalk at me again, but without success. He asked me whether I would withstand if he hits me with the chair, I asked him “What chair with”.
-With this one – showing the professor’s.
-No.
-“What chair with” – Thomas copied me, he had nothing else left.
Luckily there were two other chairs.

While he was walking the row, Reis greeted Nelson II the male way. Scratch, scratch. It’s too obvious that some others think because I’m mostly alone, I’m not normal. No, it’s just a proof for my courage and endurance.

The others had come when I asked Thomas which village he comes from even though from Facebook I knew he is from Zrnovci. He invited me to come there, he had a shop in the center. Diana (Reis’s curly haired friend), told him not to fuck me up while Reis didn’t believe it.

Christian part 2: Apparently Virginia told him I didn’t “like” her photos and he suggested to compliment her on her legs. According to him, the male should woo. Who said Boki 13 is a male? He asked me I had “fucked” until now, I told the truth.
-And will you fuck Virg?
-If she wants.
Meaning: in marriage.
-And do you have a condom in you?
-No.
-How come you don’t. Without a condom she wouldn’t want.
And better. Some people never got bored with sex.

Benjamin asked I and Muhammed “Where are you brothers”, I asked him about Andrea. Like Melanie (I missed that name now) said to me four years ago: “You can’t if you don’t check”.

Ergin (Next to Reis) asked me if the latter on the board in the formula was λ, I confirmed him, but it turned out to be ϴ. Ergin returned the book to me instead of the careless Reis.

The Kumanovo guy was calling me to reach Virg, yet I went out the front door. Muhammed and Reis walked together, behind them were Ergin and I.

Ergin commented that we finally finished, I asked him where he is from from Turkey and where he’s staying now. He also asked me where was I from and if I’m staying in Stip. He said I didn’t have another choice but to travel, he was wrong. At the end, I felt like I should put my hand on the lower part of his back, yet decided to pass. However he did it to me, and I copied him. I caught up with Muriel, but we didn’t say anything to each other. So Andrea thought of her when she told me the colleagues from our group were “upped”. I sat in the second row, Muriel was in front of me. After she gave me the list I asked her if Emily’s gonna come to sit next to her, she was. Emily sat next to me.

On the practices I realised the] others practice Maths at home, I write my diary.

In the yard passed over Virginia without saying anything. There wasn’t what. I mean, I’d
rather chose another girl that I know, she is too unexplored to me.

punch-png-4I asked Thomas if he was leaving, he was. He wanted to go on broth, but I preferred to eat home. He wanted to punch me (whether I would withstand), I agreed, but I blinked when he was coming close. For him there was no reason to do it as I was a “good kid”. “Very good”. He’ll see how good I am. He’ll read.
-I can be bad if I want – I said.
-You can be better?
-Bad I can be.
-Be bad.
My death stare followed. He was surprised. When we arrived on the waiting area he pointed the bad me to Muriel and Emily. He said he had money to treat me for broth showing me the winning ticket from a betting shop (400 den.). I didn’t congratulate him. Ah, sins… He then wanted I to kick Emily. I agreed only if he tells her. He said it but she didn’t hear him. Muriel looked at him instead.
-To Muriel. – Thomas said.
There I was, I stood next to Muriel, I raised my left leg next to her knees and I gently kicked her.
-What did I do to you? – she protested.
-You didn’t do anything to me.
That was the problem. Nothing. She should have given me spirituality. Either Thomas either a friend of his told Muriel he made me do it, so she went after him and got physical. She said:
-I’m mad at you – to me and -I’m not mad at you – to Thomas.
-You aren’t a friend of mine anymore.
-Like I was until now.
I left her speechless. I do it very well. The bad me is cynical, you know.
-It he did that to me… – The other girl threw in.
-Are you gonna take mind from Thomas… Look how he’s looking at me – Emily was looking at me.
Well when you didn’t even try to take from you, I did what the others would do. In fact God has already given me mind and you should be thankful that I don’t judge you that you didn’t choose this way.

Muriel had gone aside speaking on the phone with who else but her family.

Their bus arrived, Thomas held his hand to greet me on what I call the female way, I gripped his hand the male way. The other guy greeted as well while Muriel just abruptly touched me (arm-back). I appreciated the signed, so I asked her “Are you mad at me?”.
-She’s mad at you ‘cos you didn’t kick her hard – Thomas said leavingly.

After all I’m interesting to these guys. They were looking me from the bus, and I became aware of it late. They mean to me. I believe they are going to see more of me in the role of the bad me. Not seriously, of course. I can be bad by great lengths, but regardless of what they (don’t) do, they come from God. I can still hate their and my sins. Yes, I succeeded in this target even though it was rough at the beginning. They saw me in my bad light, I even wished I’d escaped in monastery, but the real me won with God’s help. It’s not perfect, but I see they have accepted me. Analogically I could be accepted if I changed this way (Read: showed the real me) the senior year, yet I was patient preparing for something bigger.

Home, it was published in the group we aren’t having I.T. practices tomorrow. Last Friday the Electrotechnics assistant told us probably we won’t have Electrotechnics practices too, so it’s a day off.

Willy added me on Facebook.

Thanksgiving!

Although we are not celebrating it, in my opinion there should be a Thanksgiving day in Macedonia.

I’m mostly thankful to God for His love and help to me. Compared to last year I’ve passed through the most changing period of my life. I socialised myself. I’m not gay anymore. I know the real values of religion. I love much more!

Thank you all.

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Wednesday 21.11.2012

Day of the tree – A day off.

stmichael-iconDad and I and grandma R. went to church on the occasion of St. Archangel Michael.

There weren’t limits anymore: A man cursed inside. Like he had come there to pay respect to one of his gods. Dad was telling me to pray for me (Theotokos to love me as she loves Jesus), I felt it selfish. Outside men were smoking and drinking rakija. When grandma told him that it is not smoked in church, he replied all the others smoke. It is not about what the others do, it’s about if it makes you closer to God. Just like they are polytheists. The church should be stricter about the smoking regulations, at least the ashtray should be removed. If they are doing stuff like that in church, what do they do at home?

Virginia Anning has accepted my Facebook offer.

At 8:09 p.m. I spotted Dave, Brian and A.B. passing. Even though I don’t have the same feelings for them now I missed a situation like that. They didn’t see me.

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Tuesday 20.11.2012

Late again, Andrea suggested me to enter on the pause, I accepted wanting it from before not because I was afraid of the professor, but because I didn’t want all the others to turn around and look at me.

On the pause, on the back door, Pete’s friend said to me “C’mon colleague” and Mike – “Nicky”. Inside, Andrea sat next to Harold, I sat two rows ahead. Benjamin went to see Andrea and called Harold “rabbit”. I was on his second plan, I mean in this case third plan, importantly I WAS. He read what did I write in my notebook (just what I turned around to rewrite from a colleague’s notebook) and we arranged he to give me his Math notebook on I.T. as we were sitting in different rows on opposite ends. I asked him if we were gonna have additional Maths later, he told me it was only for those with over 10 points. OK. It turned out two places next to me to be free, so I moved next to Nelson II.

On the second pause, the Kumanovo guy who was sitting in the row in front of me asked me again if I had a girlfriend. He offered the girl next to him, here known as the “Frozen in the face”. You can guess my answer: “Alrighty”. In his words she was single and ugly to which I said “what does she need”, btw: she is very much alike to Barbara, he wanted I to go out on coffee with her, but I said “Another time” as I was going to wait for the bus immediately. He asked me if I had her on FB, I told him I didn’t know her name, so we met each other: Virginia. I miss the meetings… the beginning… Christian asked me if I had a female friend for him, I said I didn’t. I have a “female friend”, but I don’t have one who would love someone that at the same time has a girlfriend. Yet I’m a Christian. I forgot to mention I had audience from behind.

Peter #4 came to salute with me but I (typically for me) didn’t know how to do it.
-Male!
I made it even the third time, but I made it. It will be, just Sarah (c.) is not here to practice with her.

I.T. meant moving me in the first row to hear the professor. Sarah came and once again we discussed sitting in front, Marcus and I saluted each other, but I did it girly again. Benjamin was gone. Even Gulben moved behind to eat, I left alone in the first row. Alone. Where nobody belonged, so I moved in the second row next to Gulben who has bought bake-rolls-bbq-ger-copyBake Rolls Barbecue flavor. Muhammed had arrived and was sitting in the third row after a discussion with Mike who suggested me to sit next to Muhammed. Muhammed gave me 4 pieces of Bake Rolls Gulben have given to him likely because the barbecue was pork. I had previously taken 2 Bake Rolls in the 1st row from the colleague Steven who had taken all of them from Gulben. So, she eats pork and Christian again commented something for us two and said that Virginia may find another one. Benjamin came in with Thomas who clearly met him yesterday. Let it be. The active sinners SHOULD be together. I gesticulatively asked for his notebook, and he was probably talking about the distance. It didn’t happen. Of course, I could easily ask a notebook from Gulben, or better – from Nelson II before, but I wanted to see how much I mean to him. After this, it would be the best if “how much” is replaced with “whether”. My generous friend Gulben gave me her Math notebook by herself.

-Colleague he’s asking me what’s your name.
It was Gulben after speaking to Muhammed.
-Well tell him.
-I forgot your name too.
I smiled.
-Nick.
Someone wouldn’t forgive this.

Muriel asked me if I wanted a bonbon, as I was looking at her unwrapping it. No, I wasn’t looking that way because of it, I was looking to see how’s the situation going behind → Andrea and Nelson II. It would’ve been too obvious if I looked directly back, so…

On I.T. I got assured Munin was absent.

In the hall Muhammed and I were walking together, Benjamin joined us:
-Where are you brothers?
After AAAAALL, he was left alone.
-Am I your brother too? – I asked him.
Previously he didn’t act that way, I had a reason to ask. He left us. I realised “brothers” referred to Muhammed and I, not to us Benjamin and I.

Muhammed wanted me to go in a restaurant, but I went to wait for the bus.

In the bus, I refused to sit next to Andrea, choosing to sit behind, and she noticed it. Either act with me as it befits, either don’t act at all. Not to wonder later.

In Zlox, grandma D. reminded me I should have fasted today. Mum didn’t tell me to me in the morning when I asked her.

Dad had taken my bike to the garden. He said “Sorry for the bike”. Pathetic! “Sorry”? Just because I entered right after he did. I don’t understand that much? Well, I saw him after I went out of grandma’s, plus I know everytime he goes on the garden without the tractor, he uses my (in fact it wouldn’t be considered for mine anymore) bike. So if I don’t see, I don’t know?

I did feel sorry for him using my senior-year school bag, so after giving him deadlines few times I told mum who gave it to him without asking me to return it, but after I read that Bible says if it was taken from you, don’t ask back, I gave up. Though it’s material it has nostalgic meaning for me. I kept the part of the balloon that Ethan popped, which is now gone… … I rejected E. as a target, yet Dave hid that bag from me…

It has a meaning… I can’t be fourth year again, the bag would made me closer… At least that I can (come on could) have now… Let it be. I have more important things than that. My duty is to listen to God, He can give me and gives me, much more valuable things than material. Spiritualism. Instead of having something that would remind me on the mines, I can have them. All thanks to Him.

I feel sorry for dad. He doesn’t know the real values… By myself I know how it feels when something is given to me with love (so even if I don’t want it I’d take it), and how I fell for the things I took without permission… Despite that he “secretly” took my bike. He chose the materialism over me. But let it be… He lost his meaning to me a long time ago. If he adores gathering garbage, let him fell free… We know how those that gather garbage are called, just the others are paid for it…

Later, when the kids were passing, I went on the window to see them. Maggie waved me, I responded to her, and Elizabeth waving me showed with her hand that I’m crazy. Al and I saw each other… nothing. The deed is a proof: he is afraid of me for not accepting me on Facebook. His choice.

I offered a Facebook friend request to the new Virginia.

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Monday 19.11.2012

arsenal_fc-svgBefore I went to faculty I opened Facebook to see if there were any news from Al, there were: He had shared an Arsenal photo the previous day. Didn’t accept me. Let it be. I am able to check all about his profile via Sarah’s one. I can even chat with him. Now he just has less value to me. And I thought there was hope for him…

I wasn’t late on L.A. practices. Thomas asked a pen from me, but mine wasn’t “quality”. Muhammed arrived late with Christian.

After the practices, Muhammed invited me to go in a restaurant on tea, I accepted.

On the road I called him “bro” after he did. Finally news about his leaving: he’s finishing the first semester here. We went at a restaurant up from the faculty – perhaps it was Chardak. Thomas entered and after him Benjamin.
-Can we sit here?
Thomas asked and sat next to Muhammed, Benjamin said next to me.
-Is he your friend? – Thomas asked Muhammed about me.
-Brother.
Benjamin asked me to confirm, I showed sign with my head.

Thomas stood up and it was the ordering turn. Muhammed ordered rice and potatoes, Benjamin beef sth and I was indecisive with my restaurant inexperience.
-What do you want? – Benjamin asked me.
After the listing by the waiter, I said:
-It’s all the same to me. Chicken.

tumblr_m9j28gvcyP1qdei8m.jpgDave dragged himself as well and sat at the head. He ordered chicken too. It turned out those things to be broths and I thought it was about patties. Mine was given to Dave, but he returned me and asked me if it was good. When I tried it, it was like I didn’t know what I was putting in my mouth, but I got used to it and told Dave it was good.

During the course Benjamin was rambling to Thomas that he and his friends beat someone from senior year high school who previously showed them knife. They made him bleed and apparently went to hospital. What was that pride? And Thomas pretended to be interested. At least people who see the real me see me as I am, without attachments, without extractions. I looked at Benjamin, but of course, Thomas was more important to him. Muhammed wanted he to shut up, he went on. I didn’t eat bread (all the others did) 516iqicyeul-_ac_ul320_sr276320_having eaten croissants in the morning. Muhammed wanted more water and I called “Waiter”, but the man didn’t come. Muhammed and I went to pay our meals. It cost 120 denars for both of us: He treated me again even though I opposed. We couldn’t find the door, and the others at the table laughed at us. Although I could laugh at their naivety many times, I chose God.

On the road, Muhammed didn’t know to tell me if the place was “Chardak”.

He wanted we to go at UGD’s sweet shop, but it was too much for me. It would have been gluttony. Side note: Someone in my place would just use him for free food. Upstairs, lecture room 10 was busy, so in the faculty yard we stood at Mike and a girl. Her name was Alison and Mike introduced Muhammed as Goce Delchev, and Muhammed Mike – Goce Delchev 2. Andrea came from the hall and joined us. She returned, and a company gathered around Mike and Alison (read the returned from the restaurant). I was standing aside, but Muhammed who got very close to Thomas, wasn’t forgetting me. The three of us sat in the hall where Muhammed called Thomas “a problem” because he talked a lot. Muhammed (who was looking at girls) saw a Turkish female friend of his, I asked him what she was to him. Thomas asked me whether I thought she was his girlfriend (definitely not, I just didn’t want to get lost in the talk) and asked me if I want Muhammed to “set” her up to me. Finally I said something related to religion saying that I cannot love a Turk.
-Who filled your head with nonsense?
-I’ve heard so – I said.

On the way to lecture room 10, Derek Veach was looking at me. I told him “Hi”.

Upstairs, I sat next to Muhammed. The it girl asked if the 3 people she saw in Zendolino with Muhammed were his roommates. Gulben translate finished the job.

I asked Gulben if she worked somewhere as she’d written in the Facebook group she couldn’t come to the students’ party due to work. She told me she worked at Dr. Organdziski as a cleaner.

This Monday Thomas was throwing little chalks towards me. I liked it. At least somebody was interacting with me. Andrea said he was crazy and told me to stop placing myself, I said I didn’t have what to do. He managed to hit me above my mouth. Most of his tries were imprecise, but it was my readiness that mattered. He called me terminator-genisys-review“Terminator” and commented that I’m very strong. Well, I’m not as strong as I’m brave, but this is fine too. You know Who gives me the courage. I even dared to hold my mouth gaped when Thomas was “programming” me, but he missed. I didn’t blink until Muhammed put me his phone on my year to listen a Turkish song.

The Kumanovo guy was discussing dirty stuff with the reserved Nelson II and Andrea who directed him to ask me. He asked me if I want to record his and Andrea’s “movie” even though “you won’t get it up, but let it be”. I looked aside and smiled as a confirmation to the said (how did he know?) because no one dared to say to me that in face and I accepted asking him to give me a camera. He called me to shoot it, to which I said they should make a rehearsal first, then the professor entered.

After Linear Muhammed stayed to ask why he was gone in the list, I was walking alone, but eventually Mike, Thomas and Alison joined me. Thomas asked me who’s stronger between me and him, I said I, but surrendered when he suggested to do arm wrestling with him. arm-wrestling-clipart-cvfkcm-clipartThomas asked me if I wanted to go in heaven or hell and told me I should run 3 steps for heaven. Andrea who reached me hesitated whether to go on B.P. practices with our group, then returned back. Mike and Thomas discussed football, I walked in line with Alison. I didn’t go on B.P. with them saying I had appointed.

At F.E.S. Munin and I greeted each other. The assistant asked me how many points did I have B.P..

On the way out I passed besides Sarah who turned on the other side instead of looking at me. So she’s avoiding me… It’s known how things go with me: One sign and you are done. If you don’t want me, you won’t have me.

Outside, after I raced out Monique (“What are you doing?”), I hurried to arrive on my first potential blind date. I was where I met Milo at almost 15:20, they were gone. Was I late? Nevertheless I kept walking. An old man coming from the opposite side of the street was looking at me. Milo with beard? He was protesting against the sound from the car – like crying. It wasn’t my acquaintance. I turned another circle – they were gone. What happened:
A. I was too late?
B. They forgot
C. The girl was absent to school
D. She isn’t interested in me after my unpreparedness for sex
E. She had already found sexier (Perhaps Milo!)
F. Milo was the satan
???

In Preevytip I had arranged with mum to dentist. After the tooth repair mum and I saw my ex-French professor Joe, Andy shook hands with him.

About the day, while Muhammed was with others – Thomas or Mike, I consoled myself: No matter how much he talks to the others, for him I’ll always be “very good”. Like Adele’s post about the money: No matter how much it bends, gets dirty, starts ripping, it has a value. Jesus Christ is God on Earth and on the sky and on the cross.

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