Tuesday 18.12.2012

I dreamt I met Boki 13 in Zlox. We hugged, Muriel’s mother took a photo of us before she entered.

Math colloquium.

I went early with taxi to Preevytip. At the bus station Andrea came next to me and told me she didn’t sleep at all. In the bus we sat together.

In Stip she went to Alison’s company and I stood around them, but not with them. Pete didn’t look at me when I wanted to salute him.

Inside I sat in the 2nd column, the Berovo guy sitting in front of me said to me “To tell”, I replied “Wait, I’m listening now”.

The tasks seemed easy, but I got stuck at the first one – graphic. The others were solvable to me. I wanted ask the assistant looking at her and the second or third time I called her, she left telling the time remaining (20 mins) saying “No more showing.” OK. Nicki has other ways – the task had no stationary points.

Handing in my colloquium, I told the assistant my insecurity, to which she said “OK Nick. You’ve drawn it, don’t worry”. Outside I headed in the 2nd floor hall for a signature from the professor. I saw Steven who asked me if I was fine.

Upstairs Thomas asked me if I had written. I went at the circle with Andrea. Mike and I touched our fists. In the office the professor indicated I didn’t have the text about the subject in the index and that I should’ve asked politely. Andrea was behind, but… He said “Tell him, he’s poor”. First read my book, then say I’m poor.

In the hall she was waiting for me. What? Downstairs (not to say the ass-licking) the lonely Alison joined us. I was with 2 girls and I didn’t like it. I didn’t have balance. Andrea asked where to go. It was raining. They decided to go to buy food near the faculty, but I planned to eat in “Balkan Lux”. Andrea said to me:
-Open the umbrella.
What? She changed my plan and dares to order me? OK, I’ve got a plan B.
-I won’t go. – I was firm.
-Why? If you don’t have any money I’ll lend you. – She suggested.
-It’s not because of that.
-Why?
-You go. What are you to me?
I even quietly said “Girl”.
I went upstairs, not caring about their whereabouts. Like on Mondays, I sat in front of lecture room 10. Much later, downstairs, I saw Muhammed. He asked me what I was doing, I asked him too, he was waiting for Reis. He called me to come to his place. Reis came and left without talking to me. Muhammed met a female friend of his. I asked her about her name – Emel.

I was bored, so I told Muhammed:
-Tomorrow’s my birthday.
-When? – He got interested.
-Tomorrow.
-I’ll come.
Come?
-What’s there gonna be? Cake? Music? – He asked me.

Outside I told him:
-There would be others.
-No problem.
-You made me cheerful.
I told him I was from Zlox. Under my umbrella he called a taxi driver who told him it would cost him 700 denars to come. In the hall I saw he had some papers with Turkish and Macedonian words. I said he should teach me Turkish. Andrea arrived and she took the papers. Muhammed called someone and told me to tell my address. “Zlox” – As I was speaking she wanted to hear, but she couldn’t. To her curiosity Muhammed responded:
-He’ll be Turkish son-in-law. – Connecting me with Emel as if she was on the phone.
Andrea inquired if the girl was dark, I confirmed. I smiled to the other side.
-Are you police? – Muhammed said.
-Are you police? – I asked after him.
She didn’t like that I repeated him.
Mademoiselle, if I start with the style of the evil me, I won’t classify you as a human. Be happy for this.
-I’ll tell you later. – I said.
-Tell me now. – She wanted to know.

Muhammed wanted to smoke and called me to go outside, I accepted. There I asked him if I should invite Andrea, he approved via translation. Inside Andrea said to me:
-You go with him and with me you don’t wanna hang out. OK.
I told her she gossips a lot, she responded “Well what else should I do?”. She has revealed me she knew that I had kicked Muriel as Muriel shared it in front of some colleagues and that apparently I later apologized on Facebook. Hahaha, I even support my decision.

After Muhammed met a friend of his, Andrea went after him. What was it: She went (to scratch) to Derek V.. They passed together. I have seen the real faces of both of them. They are similar. Except that for Derek I meant respect, while she confided me he didn’t want to speak with her.

Muhammed left, it was cold to him.

Let it be. She lives in the moment. She just wants to revenge me. But I was happy looking at the sky.

They got lost, I went on the waiting area and they weren’t there. I saw them from the opposite side, then Andrea came from my right, Derek stood on my left. They LITERARY ALWAYS come back to me. Andrea said to Derek:
-We should’ve stayed.
Derek V. asked me what I would leave with.

Since the hall I have developed a fake scenario in my head:
Andrea: Why don’t you wanna hang out?
Me: Why have you been gossiping me?
Andrea: I haven’t.
Me: If I don’t hear it, it doesn’t mean I won’t find out.
Though if we play by your rules, you owe me.
Andrea: Well you said you don’t wanna hang out. (Tag: last year)
Me: Because you’re a girl!

Back to reality I was sincere:
-Andrea you want me to tell you why didn’t I come with you? … ‘Cos you gossip me.
-What?
-You know better.
-I didn’t gossip you.
-They spoke.
I revealed her that the thing with Muhammed is that he would come on my birthday. I invited her to come in the evening if she wants. She didn’t believe he was serious.

In Preevytip I wanted spirituality and as a pre-birthday gift I saw Stacey. John asked me where I was coming from.

Home I saw a neighbouring house had fallen down.

I wrote on Ni:
“I feel sorry for those that even after two decades of their existence, still can’t realise that it’s the quality that matters, not the quantity. What kind of impoliteness and insolence is that they to represent me in the worst light, and in my presence to act friendship and goodness? I understand that all that is just a cheap fantasy for revenge, even the little kids are better than you! Well you have underestimated me if you think that I believe in your lies. Hahaha, for everything that I do I have a worthy reason, and I would exactly like to see how you would justify your deceptions, but I tolerate you anyway.
Specifically, Andrea, I’ve seen your real face a long time ago, you can only think that you will change something with the hypocrisy. You want to have everything, but in the end you will be left without a soul. Anyway, it’s not a problem for me, those who don’t know you should be careful, I’m certain that someday you will replace them with some others.
Just don’t you venture order me once more, because…
…YOU ALWAYS COME BACK TO ME, you lost soul.”

About the next day I just told mum I called Andrea and that someone else wants to come.

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Monday 17.12.2012

Explosive day.

Andrea wasn’t in the bus.

In the hall I said “Hello” to Muhammed. He called me to accompany him outside to smoke. Steven and I shook hands.

I erased the board in lecture room 3. Tara asked where my friend, referring to Muriel, was. Sandry asked who erased the board.

After the practices, Muhammed and I went to the copy shop for him to copy my L.A. notebook.

Back to Campus 2 Vanessa asked me what have I finished, and Peter noticed that I’m a left-hander. Then Thomas asked me if I did “that” on my arm because of a girl. […] Mike commented that I loved a professor from high school and made a quiz about her. Vanessa asked me:
-Is that true?
-It’s true. – I confirmed.
How did he know? He said he had a cousin from Zlox called Irving. To my statement that there isn’t such, he asked me if I knew them all. I considered he might had found out from Nelson I or Andrea. Who could it be?

[…]

I heard Muriel saying “Nick” to Steven, sitting behind me. I turned around and told her I heard her talking about me, she claimed she had a friend called Nick – pretending it was about him. A lie!

At F.E.S. for our last B.P. practices Muhammed sat in the third row, I took the second one. Trevor was next to me. A twin and Tim were amazed by my communication.

Towards the end the assistant asked me if I had a question about the colloquium. I wanted to know if there would be questions on circling where the answer could be none of the suggested options, she said it could have.

Trevor asked me to copy my B.P. notebook, I gave it to him. After he returned it, he said “I’ll repay”.

I figured out it must have been Andrea who gossiped me to Mike about the quiz as I saw them together with Alison in front of lecture room 12 last Friday. I was right to distance from her.

The evening I posted from Ni Ck:
“Another explosive day has passed.
As I expected, my (scandalous) past came to light. Some persons are selling their soul for things that even little kids in this advanced time have overcome. You know what? I am not changing my opinion about you. You are wrong if you think you’ve hurt me, I rarely do things without a plan!
Girl, obviously in you there’s nothing else but physical beauty and sins. And for those who lie to me, I claim that they don’t even know half of what they think they know. Only the real persons are aware of my only criteria – God!”

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15.12.2012, 16.12.2012

Saturday 15.12.2012

Ergin Metin had accepted my friend request. Tara not yet.

Sarah came to Zlox. She surprised me when I heard she’s not coming on my birthday. I mean, she came specially for (her friend) Elaine’s birthday, she came for M.’s birthday, and now she’s breaking a tradition. Reason: She had a Maths written work, plus her mother didn’t let her as she wasn’t invited and they didn’t have money. Someone in my place would get offended.

Sarah revealed that Adele has returned to work and mum after hearing that Adele teaches her, advised her:
-Don’t tell her Nick is your cousin.
-What? – It was like I was embarrassed. Just like I was discriminated. From my own mother. Strictly: “Don’t”, “Nick”, “cousin”. Mum confessed it was because of the quiz. At least my deed is recognised: a “quiz”. At least she was open and sincere, just as I want people to be towards me.

Like I am discriminated all the time, all because I wanted to be NORMAL in the eyes of the others. What else could I do? Repress my hurtedness aware that Adele gives more significance to Ethan? She meant to me and I wanted to mean to her. I showed it from love. Anyway, I only blackened myself. I’m glad I noted the happenings. They’ll read eventually. Hope they’ll find their salvation in God.

 

[The text for the period 16.12.2012-26.12.2012 is based on notes.]

 

Sunday 16.12.2012

In the afternoon while Sarah was waiting for transport to leave, we saw Andrea. She said she forgot to finish the seminar work.

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Friday 14.12.2018

The morning after I saw the Mines’ bus from the window going up, I waited for a while to come back.

On my way, I saw them coming down. What happened? They were on the other side of the road and I looked at Stanley, the closest from my side, he wasn’t looking at me (neither were the others). So, nothing …
-Nothing. – Someone commented (by closeness Rob D., by voice – Derr).

Further up, John exclaimed:
-Nicky.
…to which I smiled.

I heard the driver saying to George:
-It broke down.

In Stip Andrea told me she was going to sleep in Preevytip for our Math colloquium next week.

In Campus 2, my colleagues had already entered in lecture room 1. Pete turned his head after he saw me. Thomas suggested me to sit on the PC he had sat, but I chose the row where I always sit. For the last time. The twin – Ross (Facebook gave him away) sat next to me again and during the practices asked me what Nick (fat) had asked him – until when the Electrotechnics seminar work should be handed – I didn’t know. Nelson I and this time the “it” girl were with our group. On the way out Muhammed and I did a high five (as he was greeting that way with the one before me), Serhan smiled to me, and I decided to pass over the Kumanovo guy after he stayed too long with someone. Nelson told me he was going to eat, I traditionally went on a walk. Returned, from the hall I heard the “it” girl. She has returned with us for the Electrotechnics practices finale. Once again I sat in the empty column. Just like at the beginning the it girl was in charge having others around her. Subject: Math. I was lonely. Lost hope again. Nelson I asked me if I understood the exercises, I replied “So-so”.
-Or you care, if you don’t know ‘em?
– So so.
Wow! Bravo. He understood it. Well, Nelson boy, I came here with a different purpose. Anyway the interest means to me.

Later Tara asked Muriel:
-Muriel why don’t you hang out Nick?
-… Don’t shame me.
Оо well she has shame! A yes, Muriel’s afraid of people, not of God.

I couldn’t hear Tara’s response, I only understood “guy”. (Perhaps “a nice guy”.)

Fact: Muriel keeps herself at a distance. She doesn’t want me. Other girls in her place would feel gratitude towards me. I know, it’s easier for her to consider me as crazy, than to try to understand me. Girl, I rarely do anything without a plan.

The it girl asked me what I was doing, and I later poked her with the pencil to ask her where would we have Math additional, but Sandry told us we wouldn’t have.

Andrea, Gulben and Mike entered. Even though I wasn’t looking at him, Mike called me and sat next to me. I told him that he has been absent for two days (I was counting?) while he asked me what was I studying. He stood up, and Andrea was looking for a place to sit. La mademoiselle didn’t want to sit alone and she wanted I to move on the neighbouring chair in order she to take my place. I refused saying that perhaps Mike was gonna return, Tim advised her to leave “the child” alone. Gulben sat in the desk in front of me telling me that she would hang me out and asked me why I was sitting alone. A conversation followed about the Electrotechnics and Math exercises.

Andrea, Dave and I discussed our Electrotechnics seminar work. Andrea is gonna finish it, I should make the presentation. I threw in that I think they aren’t Facebook friends. Andrea commented “He’s checked”. Yes, I did it ‘cos I kind of felt endangered that they might do sth without me. This way I was their link.

Andrea sat in front of me (anyway she didn’t avoid the Turk) and Muhammed placed himself next to me. On the practices it was needed place for 5 more students from my group, so the assistant ordered 5 students from the 1st group to leave. Mike, Andrea, Gulben, Muhammed and probably Tailor left, while Nelson I (ready to go) “cleverly” stayed. Btw Benjamin was absent and I didn’t miss him. Next to me sat Virginia. She rewrote the missed from me and we spoke some things regarding the exercises. She solved on the board. Now that I have clearer view about her soul, she could freely be my love interest. She’s very meek. (+ She hasn’t seen my shame.)

In the hall I asked Muriel if we were gonna have Math, who didn’t know (Audience: William). She was waiting for her seminar work.

I went at our usual Math additional place. Alone. Nobody came.

On the waiting area, a teenage boy asked me where I was waiting for and at what time the bus arrived. I could’ve asked him, but…

In the bus he sat next to me. Shy. Knowing me, a great deal of the things I truly enjoyed in happened in buses. I could easily develop acquaintance with him, but… I didn’t want. I wasn’t high-spirited. What’s Muriel’s relationship towards me? Why for some people loneliness means craziness?

The afternoon M. told me to return the battery in Stip, that didn’t match on mum’s phone. “You’ll relax” – he said to me. Like I am not now. They always want more and more. They can’t accept someone is better than them. God is my consolation. That’s why I tolerate them…

The evening I decided to put and end of Andie and I’s Facebook neutrality – we became friends. I also sent friend requests to Ergin and Tara.

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Thursday 13.12.2012

I went to Stip with dad and M. to buy a new phone as I lost a key from my old one. At the bus station, M. noticed my cap was missing. I found it under a seat in the bus.

zte-kis-plus-hand-front.jpg

While we were looking for a phone, I was speaking to the T-mobile employee too. We took ZTE Kis Plus.

М. asked dad to borrow him money for a jacket, but he didn’t want to.

Dad took me to the library and advised me to go there.

While waiting in A.2 I felt nostalgic. I don’t have something I wanted to last like last year.

DSC00198.JPG

In the hall Vanessa’s friend talked to me.

Dave and I shook hands, Peter did a strong handshake with me.

Muriel hied me first. Ashley said “Hi” to me and asked me if I was OK.

Thomas and Pete were becoming close in lecture room 3.

On the waiting area Thomas asked me:
-Are you OK?
-So-so. – I was sincere.
-Be bad.
-Don’t make him now. – Tara got involved.
-You’re a natural for a mixer. – Thomas commented.
-What is a “mixer”? – I asked.
He suggested me to ask Muriel. I did, but she didn’t answer.

Facebook news: I finally added Monique. I saw there was a check-in post from last Friday where I was gossiped that it would be interesting as one week ago!

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Wednesday 12.12.2012

Last B.P. lecture. I was late. In the hall I waited from the back door alone later joined by 3 girls, a guy, and more guys.

There was no pause. I wanted to enter in A.2. A guy wanted too, but there was another one who was afraid. I’ve seen a lot of things including males with no courage. Afraid of authority, they think it’s the best not to dare, and with that they offend God.

Sarah came wanting to enter.
-Let’s split. – She suggested.
-I’ll enter. – I offered myself.
-Nick’ll enter. – She agreed.
-Should I say “Good morning”? – I asked.
-You don’t have to “Good morning”. First Nick, then me, then you. – The it girl said to the guy next to her.
OK. Done.

She sneaked to the last row while the professor was writing on the board. I went next to Nelson II. I rewrote from him.

Dave and Thomas were looking at me strangely. I WAS LATE, so what?

At the end the professor gave the list. Lots of students passed and signed although I was close. Аа, I was patient, but you know in a way they get what they wanted. I snapped: I grabbed the list while a random student was getting signed! Munin said to me:
-Let go of the list.
-You are going to tell me. – I replied.
I said to the guy who had it:
-Colleague please give it. I’m here.
Anyway he relented:
-Here you have it.
-Еее. – I reacted and signed.

I continued with Munin and the other Turk.

In the hall I asked the additional Math assistant where we’d have additional.

In lecture room 15 I sat next to Nelson II whom the it girl considered he had sat next to her (Marcus was gone). I took pictures of the B.P. pages I’ve missed from him.

I left with Nelson II who went hitchhiking.

Sandry and Willy passed over me without saying anything.

In town I saw our “Virg” (ex-classmate) and said “Hi” to her.

In Preevytip I went to the dentist who said “The faculty is a fuck-up”. What kind of fuck-up, to someone it means a lot.

On the waiting area Dean (Rob’s brother) called me:
-Come Nick to get baked.
I went at him. We shook hands. I was waiting, hoping and praying for the mines to come.

My ex-Maths teacher Yohnny left with the same taxi. He asked me what year I was and after he learnt I study Computer Studies in Stip, he told me he is uncle to the assistant Alison Sadler.

Home M. came and told me he would go to Stip the next day.

On Facebook I added Serhan Alkan (the Turkish colleague) as he was tagged with Munin.

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Tuesday 11.12.2012

The bus was full. Andrea who was sitting on a back seat called me:
-Nick do you have any colleague’s phone number?
-Just Muhammed’s.
-Who? – The boy next to her asked.
-That one doesn’t understand a thing. – She said. -You see I even found you a place.
Real people don’t boast.

After we got off, she told me she forgot her phone.

We arrived just on the pause and saw colleagues outside. I asked Ergin “On pause?”. Munin asked me why I was late. Mike said “Nicky”. I sat in the second row.

On the second pause Thomas asked me if I was fine, Nelson I said “Uprise!” to me. After all Tuesdays and Wednesdays are not horror.

Things were changed after Maths: Nelson II was moved, Andrea moved, Muriel and Gulben moved, I was alone. I asked Munin to rewrite from his notebook what I missed Maths, he told me he had something and suggested me to ask from Reis. I responded:
-He’s not my friend. He’s not close to me.
However, he dared:
-… (Turkish) (showing me with his hand)
As Reis looked at me, I dared to interrupt:
-Would you like to?
He dared to interrupt Munin too:
-What?
-To rewrite Maths what I missed.
-From the first lesson?
-Yes. Will you give me?
He gave his notebook to me.
-Just leave it next at the orange folder later.
-OK. Got it. Thanks.
I took from the it guy. Munin asked me to give him my notebook as Reis writes small. He also moved.

I asked the it girl if she was OK, she was great.

The I.T. professor entered. Scotty gave me the list. I called Reis to return the notebook, he told me to give it to Andrea.

Munin stated the weather was like last year. It wasn’t. I run a diary and I know it!

On the waiting area Andrea and Nelson II were happy.
-Why are you so cheerful?
-We are cheerful. Must there be a reason to be happy?
flips-1644891_960_720Lies: She claimed they were happy for the flips and for the snow – well it didn’t seem like that at the morning. She said she wouldn’t come the next day because of the weather – she would be cheerful for the snow at home.

Girl, you already know me enough years in order to know what am I like. I gave up, though I could simply win. Let it be. You will need me. At least I would have prayed for your sin if I knew it. It’s probably about a fraud. I could have even predicted it. The fact that I relent doesn’t mean that I’m weaker, it means that I am devoted to the right One.

… Looks like everywhere I go I’m a star.

In Preevytip Andrea was gossiped by the taxi driver I left with. A passenger commented that she was beautiful, to which the driver said “Just for me”. She was treated like sexual object, while she thinks he is her friend. So it was that…

It was Ducky’s birthday. No one wished him happy birthday on his Facebook wall.

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Monday 10.12.2012

Snow. It was frozen.

The bus for the Mines was late. I was late too. They probably saw me.

On the way to Campus 2 I saw Ergin and said: “Ergin! Hi!”. Bobby and Fred just looked. A silent “Hi” sounded from me.

At 10:00 the 1st group was already in lecture room 10. I said “Hi” to Reis & co., which wasn’t returned. I sat in the 4th row, but Gulben me asked why I didn’t sit in the 3rd, so I moved there.

A colleague from Valandovo had a sex chat with the it girl and Marcus. The it girl called his penis “bum-bam-bum”. He said he would cry for a girl to forgive him. He shared he dated a girl who is 1st year high school adding that he plans to have sex with her until New Year.

Gulben focused her attention on me, Reis went out. Andrea called me to return the notebook and told me to sign Nelson Allberry. OK. I had no time for explaining. If I wanted to refuse, she’d say why I signed for the first Maths lecture. Ughh. I’m waiting after my diary’s published. Muhammed arrived.

Andrea said Gulben to sign her, and I – Nelson II who came. Al called colleagues to hang him out. I went forward. Andrea told jokes from Damon’s birthday party like bathing the crocodile and closing the giraffe in a cage! It’s not funny, grow up. Haha. I left as soon as Dave stood up. Andrea left. I talked to Gulben.

Dave joked that Muhammed’s old phone looked like an IPod.

Muriel returned my exercises and thanked me.

We were released from L.A. early (11:10) as it was our last lecture.

I said nothing to the it girl on the road.

Benjamin didn’t call me. Let it be. He’s not my friend.

At F.E.S. I asked Gulben if she was cheerful to the Christmas tree in the hall, she wasn’t.

On B.P. I missed some members from my group.

We were released at 12:28.

I suggested to Muriel to walk together. I asked her if we would have practices the next time. She went to eat.

On the road I walked with Muhammed – I called him “bro”. Benjamin and another guy were in front of us. Benjamin left to a relative, but asked Muhammed what direction he would take.

Muhammed and the other guy didn’t quite speak in order I to feel endangered.

He told me he’s leaving to Turkey with his brother after the exams and he’s not coming back! Is it good?

In the bus I said hi to Andie. Dustin sat next to me.

Pretty normal day.

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07.12.2012 – 09.12.2012

Friday 07.12.2012

In the bus I said “Hi” to my ex-classmate Sarah. Andrea sat next to me. Imagine, she forgot to copy the Math notebook I gave her two days ago. She didn’t bring it with her because she overslept. What kind of irresponsibility is that?

In Campus 2, my colleagues still haven’t entered in lecture room 1. Now I was the one who was supposed to say something to them. Thomas was in my horizon.
I said:
-Good morning. Thomas.
But he wasn’t looking at me.
I leaned on the wall alone where there was place although I later spotted Dave further.
When I looked at Thomas, he was looking at me.
-For the doll?
-Yes.
He told me he had ordered it.

Again I was alone, but this time I was happy. I have missed my usual Fridays at the beginning. So, my mood made a come back. Nostalgia…

After I.T. I and Muhammed shook hands plus I greeted the it girl. If I hadn’t said first, there would be nothing.

I went down the road during the break. Alone again. Maybe I should give up my current target and redirect on the studying again that I do best.

In the faculty, I mistook the hall. Dave joined me. He was rushing the Electrotechnics seminar work, but I was considering it was early.

There was a woman holding a sheet in lecture room 12. The place I chose to sit was busy, so I took the other column, not seeing it was Nelson II next to who there was a free chair that Dave utilised. I went to the woman asking what is it, it was a brochure about students’ going to America the next summer. Thomas asked me if I was fine and while the audience listened and watched, Muriel asked the exercises from me (“just to see how many are there”, but kept them).
-A you don’t give them to me. – Thomas objected.
-You don’t ask. – I defended myself, although neither Muriel had asked them from me.

Après the woman’s Work & travel in America presentation et après the brief tasks presentation by three colleagues (Vanessa, some Tara and Nelson II), Nelson answered me that he found his task from the Internet, then Muriel addressed me:
-Nick, when are you leaving?
-Ооо. – William’s reaction sounded.
-At 15 to 12.
I went to her. Encouraged by William I asked:
-And you when?
-At 12 and 10.
-No business. You won’t leave together.
A romantic connection. Is there a chemistry between us?

Christy got interested whose were the sheets on the desk, Muriel interrupted her:
-Don’t touch ‘em. They’re Nick’s.
-Аа, well I thought someone forgot them.
Ooo. Fear from the “Terminator”.

Muriel and Emily went at the assistant office, I waited for them in the hall. One of the tasks presenters asked me if Muriel’s going to show me some task, I asked her where she found the task – she invented it!

Muriel and Emily came out. They were inside to inquire about the seminar work.

Downstairs, Muhammed saw me walking with two girls. I didn’t have balance, but this time this situation was different from high school.
-Bro, what are you doing? – he asked me.
-I’m walking.

The girls sat on the chairs, Tara commented that I was shy to ask Muriel about the task, to which Muriel replied that I knew it, and I was sincere that I didn’t, but will learn it at home. “Ay, ay…” followed from Muriel addressed to Tara. I joined them, Muhammed went outside entrusting me his notebook. Benjamin and his friends passed, saying nothing to me. Of course, what else can I expect? But when he’s alone he comes back to me. It is correct to stay away from people who everything they do, do for self-glory, and not God’s.

Muhammed was teaching Muriel Turkish on a funny way.

Muhammed offered me to go to disco with him, where there were a lot of Turkish girls, but:
-No. – I denied.
-Is there some problem?
-There is.
-Why?

-I won’t tell you why.
But I did say when he wasn’t looking at me.
-Because of the religion.
Muriel heard me.
-Do the Turkish woman wear scarfs?
-They don’t. I think.
To those that’d say I don’t have to marry one if just go out with her, I say that love isn’t unserious thing in my life.

51Kc+a84akL._UX342_Muriel and I went towards the copy shop. Once again she was interested about the Turkish women and wearing scarfs. I explained her what we learnt History: Kemal Mustafa Ataturk (a.k.a. Father of the Turks) passed law which prohibited one man having multiple women and law for women removing fez and veil. She told me all the Turkish words she knows, including a curse in Arabian. In the copy shop it was crowded and we were waiting for our turn while she was selecting what (not) to copy. She asked me if she could fold an almost empty sheet as a sign not to copy, something that in sixth grade I wouldn’t have allowed at all, I approved. I added that the woman in the copy shop where I had been, asked me whether to put the last sheet. Muriel hesitated, before suggesting me to go to wait for the bus, then there she to return the exercises or on Monday if I have left as her phone was saying 12:41. I agreed and went to wait where Nelson II came as well.

Later, Sarah came to Zlox. There were a few students in the bus (only Stanley from the Mines).

In Sarah’s opinion I should transfer from the other group since part of this group has seen me nervous. No, it’s OK now. It wasn’t and it’s not as serious as I thought it would be. After a week the pain flares up again, but only when I think of the event. Besides, at least in our group it looks like there isn’t as much jealousy and hypocrisy as in the first one. Just remember of: Benjamin, Tim, Nelson 1, even Andrea… No.

In addition she assumed my Facebook friends would have been shocked if I was tagged in the photo in the group from last Thursday when they would see me only with males! Things change 🙂

 

Saturday 08.12.2012

St. Clement of Ohrid.

One year ago on this holiday, I got assured in what I desired as a gift from God – my sexuality was changed! One year after the miracle.

 

[The text for the period 09.12.2012-13.12.2012 is based on notes.]

 

Sunday 09.12.2012

Sammy visited me. I studied, it was without heavy talks.

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Thursday 06.12.2012

[The text is based on notes.]

While I was walking in Stip, a girl from the opposite side of the street showed me a sign to come and said “Come”. Who was she? Should I smile? When I came closer it turned out she was from a TV with a cameraman. She asked me:tv_star
-Do you watch “Ask the major?” on TV STAR?
-I’m not from there. – I answered.
She told me that despite it, I could ask him for example if there would be a New Year celebration on the square and if he’d additionally decorate before New Year. I said “Wait to devise”, then when the camera turned on I said I wanted to ask the mayor if there would be a New Year celebration. They were looking at me. It was my first talking to a TV camera experience. I said “town” instead of “square” looking at the camera. The man stopped recording, the girl thanked me. A woman commented “You don’t have luck”.
I was happy. They made me.

On the faculty, in the hall I saw the Turkish colleague with a poor Macedonian language knowledge, who was looking at me. Nothing. We were sitting separately. However, he approached me:
-Excuse me, are You waiting for Electrotechnics?
-Yes.
He wanted to know when did it start and sat next to me. I appreciate that he dared. I asked him if he was from Turkey, he told me he was from Izmir. I asked which group he was from. He had some work from the morning. I stated I hadn’t seen him until then, except on B.P.. He asked me when was the colloquium. He suggested to talk in English, which we briefly did. He was interested which group he was in for the B.P. project.

Nelson 2 arrived with Reis & co. as he went on the Maths practices with the first group. I asked him what did he leave with the previous day, he answered he didn’t, having stayed at a friend’s place. Reis was looking at me. The Turk went away. After we entered in A.2, I targeted and sat again on the same position, Reis wanted I to decide first and this time he decided one place next to the one in front of me. Al sat next to him again. The Turk came in the same row – one seat away from me. I asked him where he had been, he didn’t understand. I asked why I’ve only seen him on B.P.. Nelson 2 was looking at me twice. The Turk told me his diopter was 7 and 14.

After Dave entered, he greeted with his hand almost everyone but me. When he came on his old place close to me, I said he didn’t want to do it with me, he rejected it.

Vanessa’s best friend said that Boki 13 is Terminator.

On Electrotechnics the Turk, whose name is Berge, asked Benjamin to tell him the colloquium dates, thing that Benjamin started to talk first. He knew 3(!) and he wrote them to him. OK. I just dislike it. He doesn’t do it because he’s good, he does it in order to affirm himself, putting himself above the others. He doesn’t do it for God.

Calling me Nicky (there it was, now Nicky when he has use), Benjamin asked me for a piece of paper. I didn’t have, but I but I tore from another notebook ‘cos I’m good.

The colleague Pete arrived next to Dave. He greeted me with his hand.

Muhammed took the place next to me. He spoke often to Berge. He said he was sick for 7 days. I asked him if he recovered, he didn’t. I was bored.

Andrea wasn’t even looking at me.

Muriel and Reis discussed getting the Electrotechnics exercises saying that the employee at the copy shop near the faculty is an “airhead” and that it was expansive there.

Muriel wasn’t looking at me. When she finally did, I waved her and asked if she made the seminar work, she told me “Almost”. I thought to stand up (and to say “I have a desire for you (and she for Reis)), but soon the lecture started.

Reason for no colloquium results: Getting dark early, the van shook…

I was sad. Berge smiled to me, but that wasn’t it. Muhammed asked me:
-Bro why are you pensive?
-I’m bored.
-To come in Turkey.
-OK. I want to. But later.

Reis shouted after Andrea while she was leaving.

After we were released, in the hall I walked with Muhammed and informed him I had practices, not him.

In lecture room 3 Pete told me to keep a place. I was so good that I moved a place voluntarily for his friend. Thomas asked me where I was, to which I responded he was gone or late. Then he asked if I was stronger than him and after I negated, he wanted us to do arm wrestling adding that he would relent. I refused, but he was persistent. He confirmed to me that he would relent, so I accepted. It started slow, the audience was on, I strengthened myself. It was hard, in the end he used the tried trick to pull towards him quickly, making him win. OK. It was cheating. I’m not disappointed, it’s very normal. I’m better at other things. He is strong, something that he has been doing his whole life, I lost weight like a real lady. Subconsciously I have said: I wanna fuck him.

Thomas commented that I was really strong, then repeated something about fucking up if we did it when he intended last Friday. I just couldn’t remember what have I said. Now, at home I think maybe it was “You’re very weak”, but it was just they to see my resourcefulness.

Thomas wanted to see if my cut had passed. One year old wound to pass in one week? Anyway, I showed it to him. He asked if it was scary and said I should go ahead to see how the blood would splash. He understood scary as serious, not scary for looking at. I don’t care. I did it just for attention. I felt neglected. A woman was lying in my room and didn’t care about my feelings. It’s my fault I gave so much significance to both: grandma R. and Barbara. Anyway, spirituality matters.

After hearing Muriel that she ate her [New Year] package, I expressed interest about who was it from, it was from her parents.

I was alone on the pause. I erased the board. Peter asked me “Nicky where are you?” and “Are you OK?”.  Hahaha, like a special case treatment. Now he was alone!

I told Muriel I heard her and Reis talking about the Electrotechnics exercises which I had, offering to give them to her. We arranged I to bring them the next day she to copy them. Even the evil me would do that. I’d do her favors in order to feel indebt enough towards me so that she couldn’t oppose me. Anyway, goodness wins.

I went with Dave on the waiting area. The high school students could see me with a friend. Thomas, Muriel and Emily arrived. Thomas shared his girlfriend called him in the middle of the lesson, then asked me:
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-No.
-You want to?
-Yes.
-A doll.
-Big one.
-Big, what kind of?
-Like Muriel. – Emily said what I wanted to, I just repeated it.
Thomas told me it would cost me 500 denars and that he would send it to me on Facebook to see it. He said that no one can fuck me. I was ready for revenge. I was suggested to hit him, but I leave it to God. Thomas revealed he weighted 85 kilos. I didn’t believe it. That’s why he won over me. I was 60, Muriel had 57. She offered Thomas to take her, but acted scarily of him. I said I would defend her, so she went behind me. I asked if the doll is alive, Thomas confirmed, to which Dave laughed. He doesn’t understand: We were both frivolous, but eventually will get it.
It occurred to Thomas it could wear undies from her grandma, I accepted and he added I’d undress it. He asked if I wanted it to be female, I confirmed, then asked about male, I denied, but when he asked about female again, I didn’t answer.
I waved after I sat in the bus.

Home, I had a Facebook friendship request from Naomi Uzzle. I offered to Emily – accepted, later I received another one: Benjamin. Finally I had him.

The evening I posted on Ni:
“I’m just testing you, and I leave the revenge to God.
While some pay back immediately, I patiently hope that you will be still saved.
I don’t mean anything bad to you, and I know well that someday you will be ashamed of yourself, of me and most importantly, of God.
Until then, your gossipings and accusations don’t personally hurt me, but you hurt your Creator with that.
Make it easy: don’t speak in codes, I know who you refer when you mention Boki 13 anyway, especially accompanied with the word “Terminator”. I don’t see well, but know that I hear you. I recommend you not to waste your time with me, finally find your “self” – grow up.
Will you understand the basis of life for once or will you continue to be Christians only on word? Religion is not relaxation, it’s obligation, a way of life. No matter how much evil you are towards me, I will endure for God to see your maximum!
Every honor for those with a high level of spirituality.”

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