Thursday 13.12.2012

I went to Stip with dad and M. to buy a new phone as I lost a key from my old one. At the bus station, M. noticed my cap was missing. I found it under a seat in the bus.


While we were looking for a phone, I was speaking to the T-mobile employee too. We took ZTE Kis Plus.

М. asked dad to borrow him money for a jacket, but he didn’t want to.

Dad took me to the library and advised me to go there.

While waiting in A.2 I felt nostalgic. I don’t have something I wanted to last like last year.


In the hall Vanessa’s friend talked to me.

Dave and I shook hands, Peter did a strong handshake with me.

Muriel hied me first. Ashley said “Hi” to me and asked me if I was OK.

Thomas and Pete were becoming close in lecture room 3.

On the waiting area Thomas asked me:
-Are you OK?
-So-so. – I was sincere.
-Be bad.
-Don’t make him now. – Tara got involved.
-You’re a natural for a mixer. – Thomas commented.
-What is a “mixer”? – I asked.
He suggested me to ask Muriel. I did, but she didn’t answer.

Facebook news: I finally added Monique. I saw there was a check-in post from last Friday where she gossiped me that it would be interesting as one week ago!

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Wednesday 12.12.2012

Last B.P. lecture. I was late. In the hall I waited from the back door alone later joined by 3 girls, a guy, and more guys.

There was no pause. I wanted to enter in A.2. A guy wanted too, but there was another one who was afraid. I’ve seen a lot of things including males with no courage. Afraid of authority, they think it’s the best not to dare, and with that they offend God.

Sarah came wanting to enter.
-Let’s split. – She suggested.
-I’ll enter. – I offered myself.
-Nick’ll enter. – She agreed.
-Should I say “Good morning”? – I asked.
-You don’t have to “Good morning”. First Nick, then me, then you. – The it girl said to the guy next to her.
OK. Done.

She sneaked to the last row while the professor was writing on the board. I went next to Nelson II. I rewrote from him.

Dave and Thomas were looking at me strangely. I WAS LATE, so what?

At the end the professor gave the list. Lots of students passed and signed although I was close. Аа, I was patient, but you know in a way they get what they wanted. I snapped: I grabbed the list while a random student was getting signed! Munin said to me:
-Let go of the list.
-You are going to tell me. – I replied.
I said to the guy who had it:
-Colleague please give it. I’m here.
Anyway he relented:
-Here you have it.
-Еее. – I reacted and signed.

I continued with Munin and the other Turk.

In the hall I asked the additional Math assistant where we’d have additional.

In lecture room 15 I sat next to Nelson II whom the it girl considered he had sat next to her (Marcus was gone). I took pictures of the B.P. pages I’ve missed from him.

I left with Nelson II who went hitchhiking.

Sandry and Willy passed over me without saying anything.

In town I saw our “Virg” (ex-classmate) and said “Hi” to her.

In Preevytip I went to the dentist who said “The faculty is a fuck-up”. What kind of fuck-up, to someone it means a lot.

On the waiting area Dean (Rob’s brother) called me:
-Come Nick to get baked.
I went at him. We shook hands. I was waiting, hoping and praying for the mines to come.

My ex-Maths teacher Yohnny left with the same taxi. He asked me what year I was and after he learnt I study Computer Studies in Stip, he told me he is uncle to the assistant Alison Sadler.

Home M. came and told me he would go to Stip the next day.

On Facebook I added Serhan Alkan (the Turkish colleague) as he was tagged with Munin.

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Tuesday 11.12.2012

The bus was full. Andrea who was sitting on a back seat called me:
-Nick do you have any colleague’s phone number?
-Just Muhammed’s.
-Who? – The boy next to her asked.
-That one doesn’t understand a thing. – She said. -You see I even found you a place.
Real people don’t boast.

After we got off, she told me she forgot her phone.

We arrived just on the pause and saw colleagues outside. I asked Ergin “On pause?”. Munin asked me why I was late. Mike said “Nicky”. I sat in the second row.

On the second pause Thomas asked me if I was fine, Nelson I said “Uprise!” to me. After all Tuesdays and Wednesdays are not horror.

Things were changed after Maths: Nelson II was moved, Andrea moved, Muriel and Gulben moved, I was alone. I asked Munin to rewrite from his notebook what I missed Maths, he told me he had something and suggested me to ask from Reis. I responded:
-He’s not my friend. He’s not close to me.
However, he dared:
-… (Turkish) (showing me with his hand)
As Reis looked at me, I dared to interrupt:
-Would you like to?
He dared to interrupt Munin too:
-To rewrite Maths what I missed.
-From the first lesson?
-Yes. Will you give me?
He gave his notebook to me.
-Just leave it next at the orange folder later.
-OK. Got it. Thanks.
I took from the it guy. Munin asked me to give him my notebook as Reis writes small. He also moved.

I asked the it girl if she was OK, she was great.

The I.T. professor entered. Scotty gave me the list. I called Reis to return the notebook, he told me to give it to Andrea.

Munin stated the weather was like last year. It wasn’t. I run a diary and I know it!

On the waiting area Andrea and Nelson II were happy.
-Why are you so cheerful?
-We are cheerful. Must there be a reason to be happy?
flips-1644891_960_720Lies: She claimed they were happy for the flips and for the snow – well it didn’t seem like that at the morning. She said she wouldn’t come the next day because of the weather – she would be cheerful for the snow at home.

Girl, you already know me enough years in order to know what am I like. I gave up, though I could simply win. Let it be. You will need me. At least I would have prayed for your sin if I knew it. It’s probably about a fraud. I could have even predicted it. The fact that I relent doesn’t mean that I’m weaker, it means that I am devoted to the right One.

… Looks like everywhere I go I’m a star.

In Preevytip Andrea was gossiped by the taxi driver I left with. A passenger commented that she was beautiful, to which the driver said “Just for me”. She was treated like sexual object, while she thinks he is her friend. So it was that…

It was Ducky’s birthday. No one wished him happy birthday on his Facebook wall.

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Monday 10.12.2012

Snow. It was frozen.

The bus for the Mines was late. I was late too. They probably saw me.

On the way to Campus 2 I saw Ergin and said: “Ergin! Hi!”. Bobby and Fred just looked. A silent “Hi” sounded from me.

At 10:00 the 1st group was already in lecture room 10. I said “Hi” to Reis & co., which wasn’t returned. I sat in the 4th row, but Gulben me asked why I didn’t sit in the 3rd, so I moved there.

A colleague from Valandovo had a sex chat with the it girl and Marcus. The it girl called his penis “bum-bam-bum”. He said he would cry for a girl to forgive him. He shared he dated a girl who is 1st year high school adding that he plans to have sex with her until New Year.

Gulben focused her attention on me, Reis went out. Andrea called me to return the notebook and told me to sign Nelson Allberry. OK. I had no time for explaining. If I wanted to refuse, she’d say why I signed for the first Maths lecture. Ughh. I’m waiting after my diary’s published. Muhammed arrived.

Andrea said Gulben to sign her, and I – Nelson II who came. Al called colleagues to hang him out. I went forward. Andrea told jokes from Damon’s birthday party like bathing the crocodile and closing the giraffe in a cage! It’s not funny, grow up. Haha. I left as soon as Dave stood up. Andrea left. I talked to Gulben.

Dave joked that Muhammed’s old phone looked like an IPod.

Muriel returned my exercises and thanked me.

We were released from L.A. early (11:10) as it was our last lecture.

I said nothing to the it girl on the road.

Benjamin didn’t call me. Let it be. He’s not my friend.

At F.E.S. I asked Gulben if she was cheerful to the Christmas tree in the hall, she wasn’t.

On B.P. I missed some members from my group.

We were released at 12:28.

I suggested to Muriel to walk together. I asked her if we would have practices the next time. She went to eat.

On the road I walked with Muhammed – I called him “bro”. Benjamin and another guy were in front of us. Benjamin left to a relative, but asked Muhammed what direction he would take.

Muhammed and the other guy didn’t quite speak in order I to feel endangered.

He told me he’s leaving to Turkey with his brother after the exams and he’s not coming back! Is it good?

In the bus I said hi to Andie. Dustin sat next to me.

Pretty normal day.

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07.12.2012 – 09.12.2012

Friday 07.12.2012

In the bus I said “Hi” to my ex-classmate Sarah. Andrea sat next to me. Imagine, she forgot to copy the Math notebook I gave her two days ago. She didn’t bring it with her because she overslept. What kind of irresponsibility is that?

In Campus 2, my colleagues still haven’t entered in lecture room 1. Now I was the one who was supposed to say something to them. Thomas was in my horizon.
I said:
-Good morning. Thomas.
But he wasn’t looking at me.
I leaned on the wall alone where there was place although I later spotted Dave further.
When I looked at Thomas, he was looking at me.
-For the doll?
He told me he had ordered it.

Again I was alone, but this time I was happy. I have missed my usual Fridays at the beginning. So, my mood made a come back. Nostalgia…

After I.T. I and Muhammed shook hands plus I greeted the it girl. If I hadn’t said first, there would be nothing.

I went down the road during the break. Alone again. Maybe I should give up my current target and redirect on the studying again that I do best.

In the faculty, I mistook the hall. Dave joined me. He was rushing the Electrotechnics seminar work, but I was considering it was early.

There was a woman holding a sheet in lecture room 12. The place I chose to sit was busy, so I took the other column, not seeing it was Nelson II next to who there was a free chair that Dave utilised. I went to the woman asking what is it, it was a brochure about students’ going to America the next summer. Thomas asked me if I was fine and while the audience listened and watched, Muriel asked the exercises from me (“just to see how many are there”, but kept them).
-A you don’t give them to me. – Thomas objected.
-You don’t ask. – I defended myself, although neither Muriel had asked them from me.

Après the woman’s Work & travel in America presentation et après the brief tasks presentation by three colleagues (Vanessa, some Tara and Nelson II), Nelson answered me that he found his task from the Internet, then Muriel addressed me:
-Nick, when are you leaving?
-Ооо. – William’s reaction sounded.
-At 15 to 12.
I went to her. Encouraged by William I asked:
-And you when?
-At 12 and 10.
-No business. You won’t leave together.
A romantic connection. Is there a chemistry between us?

Christy got interested whose were the sheets on the desk, Muriel interrupted her:
-Don’t touch ‘em. They’re Nick’s.
-Аа, well I thought someone forgot them.
Ooo. Fear from the “Terminator”.

Muriel and Emily went at the assistant office, I waited for them in the hall. One of the tasks presenters asked me if Muriel’s going to show me some task, I asked her where she found the task – she invented it!

Muriel and Emily came out. They were inside to inquire about the seminar work.

Downstairs, Muhammed saw me walking with two girls. I didn’t have balance, but this time this situation was different from high school.
-Bro, what are you doing? – he asked me.
-I’m walking.

The girls sat on the chairs, Tara commented that I was shy to ask Muriel about the task, to which Muriel replied that I knew it, and I was sincere that I didn’t, but will learn it at home. “Ay, ay…” followed from Muriel addressed to Tara. I joined them, Muhammed went outside entrusting me his notebook. Benjamin and his friends passed, saying nothing to me. Of course, what else can I expect? But when he’s alone he comes back to me. It is correct to stay away from people who everything they do, do for self-glory, and not God’s.

Muhammed was teaching Muriel Turkish on a funny way.

Muhammed offered me to go to disco with him, where there were a lot of Turkish girls, but:
-No. – I denied.
-Is there some problem?
-There is.

-I won’t tell you why.
But I did say when he wasn’t looking at me.
-Because of the religion.
Muriel heard me.
-Do the Turkish woman wear scarfs?
-They don’t. I think.
To those that’d say I don’t have to marry one if just go out with her, I say that love isn’t unserious thing in my life.

51Kc+a84akL._UX342_Muriel and I went towards the copy shop. Once again she was interested about the Turkish women and wearing scarfs. I explained her what we learnt History: Kemal Mustafa Ataturk (a.k.a. Father of the Turks) passed law which prohibited one man having multiple women and law for women removing fez and veil. She told me all the Turkish words she knows, including a curse in Arabian. In the copy shop it was crowded and we were waiting for our turn while she was selecting what (not) to copy. She asked me if she could fold an almost empty sheet as a sign not to copy, something that in sixth grade I wouldn’t have allowed at all, I approved. I added that the woman in the copy shop where I had been, asked me whether to put the last sheet. Muriel hesitated, before suggesting me to go to wait for the bus, then there she to return the exercises or on Monday if I have left as her phone was saying 12:41. I agreed and went to wait where Nelson II came as well.

Later, Sarah came to Zlox. There were a few students in the bus (only Stanley from the Mines).

In Sarah’s opinion I should transfer from the other group since part of this group has seen me nervous. No, it’s OK now. It wasn’t and it’s not as serious as I thought it would be. After a week the pain flares up again, but only when I think of the event. Besides, at least in our group it looks like there isn’t as much jealousy and hypocrisy as in the first one. Just remember of: Benjamin, Tim, Nelson 1, even Andrea… No.

In addition she assumed my Facebook friends would have been shocked if I was tagged in the photo in the group from last Thursday when they would see me only with males! Things change 🙂


Saturday 08.12.2012

St. Clement of Ohrid.

One year ago on this holiday, I got assured in what I desired as a gift from God – my sexuality was changed! One year after the miracle.


[The text for the period 09.12.2012-13.12.2012 is based on notes.]


Sunday 09.12.2012

Sammy visited me. I studied, it was without heavy talks.

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Thursday 06.12.2012

[The text is based on notes.]

While I was walking in Stip, a girl from the opposite side of the street showed me a sign to come and said “Come”. Who was she? Should I smile? When I came closer it turned out she was from a TV with a cameraman. She asked me:tv_star
-Do you watch “Ask the major?” on TV STAR?
-I’m not from there. – I answered.
She told me that despite it, I could ask him for example if there would be a New Year celebration on the square and if he’d additionally decorate before New Year. I said “Wait to devise”, then when the camera turned on I said I wanted to ask the mayor if there would be a New Year celebration. They were looking at me. It was my first talking to a TV camera experience. I said “town” instead of “square” looking at the camera. The man stopped recording, the girl thanked me. A woman commented “You don’t have luck”.
I was happy. They made me.

On the faculty, in the hall I saw the Turkish colleague with a poor Macedonian language knowledge, who was looking at me. Nothing. We were sitting separately. However, he approached me:
-Excuse me, are You waiting for Electrotechnics?
He wanted to know when did it start and sat next to me. I appreciate that he dared. I asked him if he was from Turkey, he told me he was from Izmir. I asked which group he was from. He had some work from the morning. I stated I hadn’t seen him until then, except on B.P.. He asked me when was the colloquium. He suggested to talk in English, which we briefly did. He was interested which group he was in for the B.P. project.

Nelson 2 arrived with Reis & co. as he went on the Maths practices with the first group. I asked him what did he leave with the previous day, he answered he didn’t, having stayed at a friend’s place. Reis was looking at me. The Turk went away. After we entered in A.2, I targeted and sat again on the same position, Reis wanted I to decide first and this time he decided one place next to the one in front of me. Al sat next to him again. The Turk came in the same row – one seat away from me. I asked him where he had been, he didn’t understand. I asked why I’ve only seen him on B.P.. Nelson 2 was looking at me twice. The Turk told me his diopter was 7 and 14.

After Dave entered, he greeted with his hand almost everyone but me. When he came on his old place close to me, I said he didn’t want to do it with me, he rejected it.

Vanessa’s best friend said that Boki 13 is Terminator.

On Electrotechnics the Turk, whose name is Berge, asked Benjamin to tell him the colloquium dates, thing that Benjamin started to talk first. He knew 3(!) and he wrote them to him. OK. I just dislike it. He doesn’t do it because he’s good, he does it in order to affirm himself, putting himself above the others. He doesn’t do it for God.

Calling me Nicky (there it was, now Nicky when he has use), Benjamin asked me for a piece of paper. I didn’t have, but I but I tore from another notebook ‘cos I’m good.

The colleague Pete arrived next to Dave. He greeted me with his hand.

Muhammed took the place next to me. He spoke often to Berge. He said he was sick for 7 days. I asked him if he recovered, he didn’t. I was bored.

Andrea wasn’t even looking at me.

Muriel and Reis discussed getting the Electrotechnics exercises saying that the employee at the copy shop near the faculty is an “airhead” and that it was expansive there.

Muriel wasn’t looking at me. When she finally did, I waved her and asked if she made the seminar work, she told me “Almost”. I thought to stand up (and to say “I have a desire for you (and she for Reis)), but soon the lecture started.

Reason for no colloquium results: Getting dark early, the van shook…

I was sad. Berge smiled to me, but that wasn’t it. Muhammed asked me:
-Bro why are you pensive?
-I’m bored.
-To come in Turkey.
-OK. I want to. But later.

Reis shouted after Andrea while she was leaving.

After we were released, in the hall I walked with Muhammed and informed him I had practices, not him.

In lecture room 3 Pete told me to keep a place. I was so good that I moved a place voluntarily for his friend. Thomas asked me where I was, to which I responded he was gone or late. Then he asked if I was stronger than him and after I negated, he wanted us to do arm wrestling adding that he would relent. I refused, but he was persistent. He confirmed to me that he would relent, so I accepted. It started slow, the audience was on, I strengthened myself. It was hard, in the end he used the tried trick to pull towards him quickly, making him win. OK. It was cheating. I’m not disappointed, it’s very normal. I’m better at other things. He is strong, something that he has been doing his whole life, I lost weight like a real lady. Subconsciously I have said: I wanna fuck him.

Thomas commented that I was really strong, then repeated something about fucking up if we did it when he intended last Friday. I just couldn’t remember what have I said. Now, at home I think maybe it was “You’re very weak”, but it was just they to see my resourcefulness.

Thomas wanted to see if my cut had passed. One year old wound to pass in one week? Anyway, I showed it to him. He asked if it was scary and said I should go ahead to see how the blood would splash. He understood scary as serious, not scary for looking at. I don’t care. I did it just for attention. I felt neglected. A woman was lying in my room and didn’t care about my feelings. It’s my fault I gave so much significance to both: grandma R. and Barbara. Anyway, spirituality matters.

After hearing Muriel that she ate her [New Year] package, I expressed interest about who was it from, it was from her parents.

I was alone on the pause. I erased the board. Peter asked me “Nicky where are you?” and “Are you OK?”.  Hahaha, like a special case treatment. Now he was alone!

I told Muriel I heard her and Reis talking about the Electrotechnics exercises which I had, offering to give them to her. We arranged I to bring them the next day she to copy them. Even the evil me would do that. I’d do her favors in order to feel indebt enough towards me so that she couldn’t oppose me. Anyway, goodness wins.

I went with Dave on the waiting area. The high school students could see me with a friend. Thomas, Muriel and Emily arrived. Thomas shared his girlfriend called him in the middle of the lesson, then asked me:
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-You want to?
-A doll.
-Big one.
-Big, what kind of?
-Like Muriel. – Emily said what I wanted to, I just repeated it.
Thomas told me it would cost me 500 denars and that he would send it to me on Facebook to see it. He said that no one can fuck me. I was ready for revenge. I was suggested to hit him, but I leave it to God. Thomas revealed he weighted 85 kilos. I didn’t believe it. That’s why he won over me. I was 60, Muriel had 57. She offered Thomas to take her, but acted scarily of him. I said I would defend her, so she went behind me. I asked if the doll is alive, Thomas confirmed, to which Dave laughed. He doesn’t understand: We were both frivolous, but eventually will get it.
It occurred to Thomas it could wear undies from her grandma, I accepted and he added I’d undress it. He asked if I wanted it to be female, I confirmed, then asked about male, I denied, but when he asked about female again, I didn’t answer.
I waved after I sat in the bus.

Home, I had a Facebook friendship request from Naomi Uzzle. I offered to Emily – accepted, later I received another one: Benjamin. Finally I had him.

The evening I posted on Ni:
“I’m just testing you, and I leave the revenge to God.
While some pay back immediately, I patiently hope that you will be still saved.
I don’t mean anything bad to you, and I know well that someday you will be ashamed of yourself, of me and most importantly, of God.
Until then, your gossipings and accusations don’t personally hurt me, but you hurt your Creator with that.
Make it easy: don’t speak in codes, I know who you refer when you mention Boki 13 anyway, especially accompanied with the word “Terminator”. I don’t see well, but know that I hear you. I recommend you not to waste your time with me, finally find your “self” – grow up.
Will you understand the basis of life for once or will you continue to be Christians only on word? Religion is not relaxation, it’s obligation, a way of life. No matter how much evil you are towards me, I will endure for God to see your maximum!
Every honor for those with a high level of spirituality.”

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Wednesday 05.12.2012

Andrea didn’t climb in the bus.
It was a promising day.

I went to wait alone from the back door, but:
-Nick, come!
It was Muhammed. I went with him and found out that he wasn’t aware of the early beginning. A surprise was waiting for me – Nelson I was sitting near the front door and was looking at me. Despite it, I obeyed Muhammed to sit on the other chairs. I just stated that Nelson was late too. (Chat: Metrosexual (earrings), he’s sleeping – he’s pretending to, did you recover?) Nelson stayed there, Muhammed and I went to walk. Other colleagues were waiting from the back door. Sarah and I hied each other. Inside, learning Nelson II’s row was completely busy, I went forward. Gulben told me where is available. After a little chat with Gulben, the green folder a seat next to me matched its owner – Nelson I who entered with Benjamin and Tim. It’s not just my game – their friendship gets shaked-up too. The third factor.

Nelson I was so close with Muriel that they kind of showed signs of violence jokingly. Nothing strange: The devil must use something to attract people. One day everything will be known…

After the pause, after we had some IAESTE and after Gwen brought us the list, Nelson I was looking for his pen, I offered him mine, but he pulled out his. Think he got me? I just acted like a real Christian…

As I have outlined since yesterday, I signed for 24th of November too. Perhaps the professor saw me, but that was in my style. After he signed, Benjamin asked me:
-Nick will Andrea come?
“Nick”, a? I’m glad that I had already changed my opinion about him.
-Should we sign her?
-I don’t know.
… but I nodded, not to raise suspicion.
-I signed her. – Tim sounded.

During the narration, Nelson was turning my book.

Unfortunately we didn’t have a second pause, we finished with the material for the colloquium.

In the hall, I was walking close to Muriel.
-Muriel. Muriel.
I don’t want just “hi”.
-You’re making yourself important again.
-I’m not making myself important.
-Е what are you making yourself?
I asked her if we would have additional Maths and when. Steven joined her and asked her whether to defend her. Scratch, scratch. She confirmed.

Downstairs, I stood at the circle of colleagues. I decided to talk to Gulben about New Year’s Eve. While we were walking towards the other building, Trevor was walking behind us. I’m glad I have meaning to Gulben.

In the lecture room, I sat alone. The it girl and Nelson II were sitting together in the 2nd row, and later they had swapped the seat so that the it girl was sitting closer to the board. I wondered if after all there was truth in Andrea’s words about her. She had probably asked Nelson as he’s quiet… She was using him? She wouldn’t say such a thing to me. At one point I leaned my head on the desk… I lost hope that someone would call me.

Eventually, Dave moved next to me.

On the way out Victoria (Tag: the beginning), who obviously teaches some subject, and I said “Hello” to each other. She smiled me. So, the first thing that the others remember me of at the beginning and which I made impression with to them was the smile. Now it’s gone. Normally, I was full of hope. Not coincidently, the first year is my favourite from high school. I guess either my criteria from the beginning until now are lowered, or the others weren’t causing same happiness to me anymore or I got disappointed or altogether.

After the exit Douglas asked me where would I go. Nelson was sticking to him. Yes, this is very likely: They met very recently and Nelson II immediately considers him as a close friend. And I forgot they studied together. Wow!

I saw Benjamin, Dave and others standing at the gate. Of course, I just passed over them because I already treat Benjamin like Tim.  Proof that I’m right about the attitude? He didn’t say anything to me either. I feel sorry for him.

On passing by me, the it girl asked me where was I.
-Today we didn’t see each other.

-Well you should have come to me.
-Why me?
I couldn’t hear her. I went to wait.

Nelson II never arrived, but the other Nelson was approaching. I knew he wouldn’t come next to me, he wasn’t a real Christian, he probably wanted to revenge me… but he…
-Nick what are you leaving with?
-With the bus.
-With the bus. Let it be. Nice.
-And what are you leaving with?
-I with taxi.
He wasn’t standing next to me, but in front of me. He can’t be bad with me, he’s afraid of my cousin Steven and how much different we could be? Surprisingly later he asked me if I had “for beeping”, I had as I was on T-mobile subscription, but he was looking for Vip.
-Fuck it up. Fuck it up.
At least he didn’t censor himself in front of me. I appreciate this. He wasn’t like the others that when in presence of others, they choose others, and when we are alone intensively talk to me. Only the first part applies to him and I appreciate his sincereness.

When the bus arrived, I quietly murmured “come on” which he assumingly didn’t hear, because I know he wouldn’t say anything in my place. In the bus, I intentionally sat from his side.

In Preevytip, I decided not to go at the dentist for a check-up. Because of the weather and because of the mood.

As soon as I got off, somebody called me:
Was it Stanley? I went at him. It was George who didn’t look like himself with his new haircut and thinness. We went with the same taxi.

At home, Andrea called me. She said Nelson I, not Tim said he would sign her B.P. Probably I didn’t recognise the voice. Anyway she notified that she would come at my place to tell her which lessons she should study Maths from the senior year.

I saw Al from the window, he was looking at me house, but was it at me? Well he was wondering that Andrea was coming to my place.

The window was opened.

I showed readiness to smile, he did too and spoke to me:
-Bro, you are gonna get greased now.
Bro!? We aren’t even friends!
I was showing “no” with my finger.
-I won’t get greased. (smiling) She’s coming for something else.
-Ааа you will.
-(Showing with the left hand now) I won’t get greased. (pause)
-You go to faculty?
Interest in me. If I am not popular by myself, the others will make me.

Andrea stayed briefly. Honestly I didn’t know what else to do.

5th of December – M.’s birthday
Things between us have changed since last year.

In the evening, on Ni, I shared:
As long as there are people that I make happy,
as long as I’m steeping the right path,
as long as there is someone that I mean to,
as long as I keep surprising you,
as long as you spend your time on me,
as long as you don’t learn all the letters and words from your mother tongue,
as long as your self is lost in the image of the others,
as long as you respect wrong values,
as long as Jesus for you is just a historical figure,
as long as you don’t accept that God is stronger than you,
as long as you are afraid of me,
as long as you don’t grow up,
As long as you always come back to me….

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Tuesday 04.12.2012

Once again I was late. I waited with Benjamin to enter on the pause. He asked me if Andrea would come, I denied as I didn’t see her, but she came. While explaining some driving experience of his to her, Benjamin showed his middle finger twice accompanied with two fingers as he did to his driving instructor if I understood well. She asked what did we do the previous day and suggested to find the Maths book from senior year, to which I asked her if she gave her sister’s one to Mary. Benjamin, you can’t beat me here.  Tuesdays and Wednesdays are HORROR to me. Dave Kushner and Dustin also waited for the pause.

After we entered, Andrea asked Mike, who said “Nicky” to me, if the place next to him was free, but Alison sat there. I sat next to an unknown colleague. Tim just passed by me without saying anything. I didn’t have who to rewrite what I missed before the pause from. I couldn’t ask from Munin as he doesn’t understand. Joseph was rewriting… Finally, before I started writing the new material form the board, I asked the colleague next to me to see from her notebook how much space I should leave, she allowed me. Was I sad?

On the second pause, while Tim was passing by me to get out of the row, my body touched his ass, to which I raised my eyes.

I noticed that a twin, Mike, Vanessa’s best friend and Thomas were probably talking about me indicated by Mike’s turning towards me, then looking at me again.

Muhammed arrived.

After Math, I was alone again. The girls next to me have moved back.

I asked Gulben to rewrite from her while Muriel was staring at me along with another girl. I said “I don’t have who else from”, Nelson II was far.

Muhammed sat next to me – they always come back. About the reason for his absence the previous day, he answered he was sick.

It occurred to Thomas to throw a chalk towards me and he said that if I didn’t catch it, I wasn’t a man. He threw it, I failed.

I left with Munin in the hall.

On the waiting area I waited with Nelson I and II, Andrea, Mike and Dave. Mike asked me if I would drink tea, I said no and also refused beer. He asked Andrea the same, she accepted both. Alison came and we went to a catering place where I ordered tea. Mike actively talked to me. Before that my day was boring – it wasn’t long, nor interesting. He asked me if the mine works and said I was his best friend. “Best” meaning the closest or the nicest? He told I sent him the solved I.T. exercises for e-studying attaching after asking for them. Again he said that Muhammed is gay, then talked about his coming to Preevytip, not to Zlox. I decided to give a second chance to Muhammed. The tea cost 30 denars. Andrea commented “What didn’t we do in high school”.

Before climbing in the bus, Derek V. confirmed to me Ethan had dropped from faculty. I asked him why, he said it was because it was hard to him.

Home, Muriel had reached the level for I to offer her a Facebook friendship request. She didn’t accept it. Sushi had posted in the group that the B.P. seminar projects were published which was seen by Muriel and I was tagged to be in a group with unknowns. I offered her again – she had seen the post by Nick Nickson from the Mines 2 again not accepting me. I sent her a third request – this time she gave up – accepted. She doesn’t know who she is messing with. I know multiple Facebook passwords.

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Monday 03.12.2012

[The text for the following two days is based on notes.]


Handicaps day.

My neighbor Al asked me where I would go.

In the bus there were Melanie Collins and Barbara Griffin who briefly chatted with me.

Nelson II and I were late on the L.A. practices.

Thomas called me, I refused to chat with him.

In lecture room 10 while talking to me, Gulben said “reflesh” instead of “refresh”.

Sandra had torn her jeans and Reis tried to console her.

I felt very little ticklish.

Muhammed was absent.

It was raining, so on the way to F.E.S. the it girl came under my umbrella. She said she was a bit fat to which I responded “Not true”. In my mind I “played” “Umbrella” by Rihanna.

My colleagues didn’t say anything to me about my Friday outburst. They had understandment.

I was alone, but I was truly happy.

Monday is my favourite faculty day.

It was snowing lightly in the evening.

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01.12.2012, 02.12.2012

Saturday 01.12.2012

I woke up early. The thought of escaping to a monastery returned to me. I prayed to be better, mum told me a counselor spoke on Sitel TV about the happiness. We should go on after our failures.

Why the big bad events must happen before weekends? After my shame with Adele I explained how it all started, there’s no need now, you know it.

After the winter’s event, I noted every contact with Adele, will it be that way with the colleagues too?

When I was shaken after the quiz, I thought that my chest hurt, now I know that the pain came from my heart. It was constantly present, fortunately it was smaller than the one in January. It was because I knew she is worth, for the present colleagues I’m not sure at all. I wished at least Dave not to have been there. Dave and Nelson, OK, and Muriel with Thomas were the only audience that I considered for friends. The big plus side: I was seen by less than a quarter of all the colleagues (with Business Computer Studies). I maintain that I’m closer and more accepted by the first group. Even without that my opinions about Dave and Nelson II were falling. I know Dave would gossip to his friends… ooops friend (Thomas) that I’m crazy, but he would do that because he’s lost i.e. doesn’t have own self and for his opinion must consult someone else. With an uncertain exception, Dave has never called me by name. Anyway he won’t detach from me quickly: we are together Electrotechnics. I must say nobody, except Thomas from the present ones had a friendly relationship towards me as it should be. What do I lack for Nelson II to surrender to Dave? Do the ignorings from Muriel’s side can be called friendship? And the others, instead after my difficult past to be forthcoming, they got distanced from me if they were ever showing signs of closeness.

I chose to hide my father’s mistakes, forcibly my genitals served for somebody’s fun, I laid in hospital twice, I antisocialised, I got disappointed from love, I admitted I was gay, I presented a private quiz to a married professor I fell in love with… this is just another shame of mine… And what else could be expected from me?

How was I supposed to act after this? Why didn’t I stop myself choosing God? How could I even think the whole situation to be more important to me than His principles? Why didn’t I surrender to him? Simply, I didn’t know to make decisions properly. Yes, well I hid my Christianity from them, and the devil attacked me right there…

When I confessed to my first love about my sexuality she told me to choose one: either homo either hetero, not bi. Unfortunately I practiced partial Christianity. What if I had chosen the devil? If I didn’t have money I’d have sex, if I didn’t have sex, I’d have evil… They make worse sins than mine, but none of them experiences this…  I thought I’d chosen spirituality, but I didn’t stay consistent…

I wanted to give up, like I didn’t feel anything… I was on the edge of falling in depression… But no, I wasn’t allowing Satan to succeed in his plan.

My latest shame perhaps was closer to my coming out than to my impoliteness with Lady Adele. On 02.02.2011 I didn’t admit in front of everyone, and after that day there was only one comment about the event. After all, I still am Nick Paulson. I underestimated myself, I almost never act without a plan. I forgot to lean on my strongest trumps: the diary and the religion. They think they know me now? I’m just getting started. Two months for me were enough to create opinion about them. Whatever they talk about me, the deeds prove that now they have greater respect towards me at least in my presence and I can recognise whether it’s hypocrisy. If I want I can predict what they consider me like, using supernatural power. You are familiar with my guessing about Miranda’s lottery, and I’m telling you that that way I busted the classmate in the first year for blaming me to Brenda. You don’t believe me? Someone had snitched me in order the president of the class Brenda to complain to the head teacher again for my notes of their talks in my notebooks. I wished I dreamt the responsible person on my next sleeping. It didn’t happened on my nap that day, but the next morning in a dream I saw a short smiling girl sitting in front of the board. “Don’t you know her?” – a voice was asking me. I thought it was Mary according to the hairstyle, but later when I woke up I realised she was blond: Denise. It made sense, she was sitting behind me. I asked Brenda, she confirmed. Denise. You don’t know who you are messing with. Of course, I choose Christianity that forbids fortune telling, but if I lose control…

Whatever they do, they can’t hit my soul. So, feel free to attack.

It was Dave(colleague)’s  birthday, but he had hidden it on Facebook. Probably not to treat. And then I’m crazy?

In the evening from the window I saw Brian walking with someone. That someone was probably his cousin Dave (from the mines). He was smoking. I believe he’s not afraid to do it in public now as he’s 18.

I never wrote that Sarah (c.) saw Brian smoking by their school and he’d published a Facebook picture related to smoking earlier.

Btw Andrea called me to ask me if I knew the number of the Preevytip bus station. Wanted some people to admit or not, I mean to someone. As long as people I love the most, the priest and God love me, I won’t give up, regardless of how bad I feel.


Sunday 02.12.2012


I felt a bit better.

Everything has a plus side, right?

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