Thursday 01.11.2012

In the bus my ex-classmate Sarah said “Hello Nick”. Mandry, who was behind me, smiled to her because of her action. I smiled too. This time it was my sincere one. I mean to her. I admit I miss the version of her I used to know. How different could she be? She was the one who defended me and wiped away my tear when M. on Pigs along with Sandra and Alison wanted to beat me. In fact I was already beaten up. Opinion up.

In Stip Andrea took a notebook from me to copy.

I walked in town. It rained again.

While I was waiting in front of A.2, Dave waved me and came on the bench next to me. He told me the I.T. material he studied was hard, adding he would study regularly after the collocquium. Reis asked (him) if there was a lecture in A.2, he negated, having seen that a colloquium was being conducted there. After returning my notebook, Andrea called me to sit in the first row with her. Muhammed also invited me there, so I accepted. We discussed Turkish series, particularly about Polat Alemdar and Memati from Valey of the Wolves. Muhammed learnt Macedonian in 6-8 months and is currently staying alone in a flat. He showed me he wrote poetry and translated me some. I complimented him, then suggested he needed to teach me Turkish. He shared he’d go to Turkey for 5 days in the winter.269685_3734972214309_1190709335_n1

Muhammed labeled Benjamin as metrosexual because he was wearing an earring. Muhammed wouldn’t do it stating that his father and brother would scold him. The Radovish guy was listening.

Muhammed called me out to smoke, I refused. Mike wanted to know if I studied, I replied I did at home. When I asked him the same, he said he started to. I asked him how it was going twice because of our distance, noticing that Andrea was spying on me. I felt like I was Oprah. Mike responded he was in the top 10%, I commented it was good.

After returning with his coat, Muhammed revealed me that he was argued with Gedzo i.e. the Kumanovo guy.

Muhammed thought I was 15 or 16 years old. Andrea said I was 19.

Benjamin was interested if I had a girlfriend and why not. Initially I responded it was because I haven’t found. He had from Lozovo being 17 years old. The second time he asked me about a girlfriend I said “Find me”. He offered to come in Zlox to find girlfriends for both of us. To my wondering if he didn’t already have one, he said [he wanted] another one, asking for my approval. I accepted, adding that we’d arrange. He transferred our chat to Nelson II. They think I’m not normal? So not knowing me.

Nelson II was mostly speaking about himself, not realising his selfishness.

The Electrotechnics professor postponed the colloquium for 15th of November. Andrea got cheerful and we did a high five. Andrea and Nelson II left earlier, Mike told to me sit when I stood to make place for them to pass.

The Radovish guy copied my Electrotechnics notebook in the hall.

I asked Mike if he took his index. He went with our group, being written at the bottom of the list.

To my question if Thomas seeked for me on Facebook, he lied saying “I searched, I searched”. I know how and at what point it occurred to him.

Mike said to Thomas that I was his friend, but when Thomas asked me if Mike was my friend, I denied. I can’t lie because as a Holy Spirit gift it means to me. Mike was obviously offended by my answer saying “Don’t make me break your head”. Thomas asked if he was my friend, I confirmed.

On the Math practices while we were left to solve an exercise alone, Mike asked me if I solved it, I didn’t know it. We solved 4 exercises as I was previously informed by the it girl in the hall. The assistants’s phone rang with the Pink Panther song, which was funny to me.

I almost forgot my umbrella. Thomas asked me where I would wait for the bus. He left to wait at the bus station, but didn’t know what time he had a bus at.

Newsflash: We have new neighbours. Source: Mum.

Facebook evening dig: Willy has a girlfriend and is surprisingly born in 1991, Thomas has a girlfriend too. I added Gulben.

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Wednesday 31.10.2012

In A.2 I headed to sit next to the it girl in the third row. There were boys in the first and second row, but I loved the third.
-Hello Sarah.
-Nick, Marcus sits here.
-OK. – I chose the next place.
-If not we’ll arrange you to sit between us.

No Andrea again, but this time she came again. Nelson II sat next to me. He asked me where we should study to, where Andrea was and what I came with. I rewrote from him. He spoke with the one next to him, but not as much as I would expect. The it girl asked me if I had two 50 denars and a piece of paper. I gave her the latter and she thanked me a lot.

On the break the it girl call me:
-Nick, will you sit here? Come out with us. Nelson come on.
Nelson II and I went out with the it girl and a few friends of hers. Christy was smoking on a bench. I was quiet in front of new persons like Monique. The it girl shared a recent experience:
-…I was gonna fall, I looked at a female. I say “motherfucker”, at least if it was about a male.
-So you’re a maniac. – Marcus added.
-No, well sometimes I look to see what they’re wearing.

…I was returning alone. I wanted to reach the lone Nelson, but he found some girl, and I found Munin on the computer logged on e-studying. I interrupted him, asking what he was doing. I showed him how to find the colloquiums dates. We walked together. He told me he forgot to rewrite from my Math notebook and that he’d copy later.

Back in A.2 Marcus said “Say something, bro” to me. He considered the Electrotechnics exercises were like entangled. Marcus and the it girl didn’t include me in their conversations.

After the lecture, I continued with Munin. In the copy shop we found Reis and Muhammed. I said “Reis” and he – “Colleague. How is it?”

Before leaving, Reis said “Bye colleague” to me. Munin told me the three of them would practice Math together.

Munin shared he spent 5 hours on Facebook the previous day. I told him to add me, he asked what my name was. He practiced body building for 2 months, for one hour and recommended me to plan to do it. He said I wrote big. Andrea called me to tell me she had taken my index, but I told her I couldn’t take it from her then. Who gives her right? I returned to the faculty with Munin. I informed the Kumanovo guy the bag costed 900 denars as mum told me the previous day, but he didn’t express interest in buying one. Munin went to toilet. Andrea gave me the index outside. To my question why she went at the counter, she said it was for something else.

I asked Dave if he would go on the additional Math, he confirmed. Andrea and Nelson went on Math, Dave and I approached the Kumonovo guy sitting with a grandma on a bench. Gulben described the situation as joke-o-teque. The grandma suggested that we shouldn’t study Math, but pussyology. She revealed to have given blood 50 times and when the Kumanovo guy concluded she was weak-blooded, the grandma opposed she was too-blooded. Dave moved next to his fat friend. When someone with deed declares that someone else is better than you… In this case your opinion about him lowers.

665894_484039718294384_220477462_o - Copy

I told Gulben I would go with her who commented: “What fucking jokes. I should’ve recorded him”. I asked her if she was from Stip, she was. We needed to go in lecture room 15 that I didn’t know where it was. There, I sat next to Emily, I knew somebody was gonna come. She asked if a guy could sit, I agreed, but he moved. Next to me came Thomas who called me a scientist, to what I told him I didn’t study a lot, then he said I didn’t have brain. Thomas asked me if I had reflexes, I showed him I did on a side of my stomach. I lent a pen to the Kumanovo guy in front of me. I didn’t explain what he asked me about an exercise. To Thomas’s reaction, I told him I studied at home, I didn’t care on faculty, he opined I shoud do the oposite. Thomas said he’d add me on Facebook. The new professor wasn’t strict, had a very good handwriting and wasn’t very smart.

Outside Thomas was interested where I was going, I told him I was going to walk because I needed to wait one hour. He was going to eat and he invited me to join him, but I refused him. He was waiting for David and suggestedHe answered he was waiting for DaHe answered he was waiting for Davi I to wait too, later to walk toghether. I was thinking, but he told me to go when I have already decided to.

Back from the walk, in the upstairs hall I found Muhammed and the curly haired girl. Muhammed said to her:
-This kid is very good.
-I’m hearing you. I’m hearing you. – I was smiling. -Where is Reis?
-In the toilet.
I wonder if the old homosexual Nick would go there too. I asked Muhammed if he practiced Math, but he replied something that he shouldn’t study it. He asked how old I was, I asked him the same. He told me he was 26, completing 27 in 7 months in May.

Vanessa and her male friend sat next to me. Via phone call Reis found out we would have the irregular Electrotechnics lacture in lecture room 3. He rushed a lot. I showed him it was where we had Math practices.He went went ahead of me and entered first. As the lecture had already started, I went next to him and asked him “May I?”. There was no answer, yet I sat anyway.

While sitting with the most handsome guy, he had many contacts with the others, I only asked Gulben what they were writing. Reis asked me what pages were missing from the book, I told him I didn’t know and he repeated me in a question form.

-Nick! Nick!
I turned around. It was the it girl sitting with Marcus.
-We’ve been calling you since earlier.
-Where have you been? – I silently asked her, not loud enough to get an answer.
How great is the feeling people to want you because of who you are, not because of what your parents are, or because you’re their relative.

On the pause Benjamin called me outside to find a girlfriend for somebody. I went out. They were gathered around the it girl again. Benjamin asked me if I studied, I answered “Gra…dually, slowly”, making a speaking error. He told me to study, then to practice them. He asked Willy if they would come, who accepted if I knew. Benjamin also asked Reis.
-Does he know them?
-He does. He had 98 points, he’d be straight 10s.
-But that doesn’t matter here, it’s important to understand. – Reis made it clear.

Inside, I had just thought of the “keep your enemy closer” rule, Reis moved a seat further replacing William who went forward.

On the waiting area I stood next to Thomas, asking him if he’d wait too. The Radovish colleague asked to copy the Electrotechnics exercises from me the next day, I told him to remind me.

Speaking of the “keep your enemy closer” rule, in the bus our well known ass-licker Sarah sat next to me and started a conversation. She told me they had Sport. She understands the colloquiums like matura. I decided to listen to my inctinct not to speak openly to her. According to her, it was nice to us in high school.

Sarah was curious if I had met colleagues, I told her I was meeting. To her question if the faculty was hard to me, I replied it was going somehow and she told me it was to her. She asked where I had colleagues from, I counted Kochani and Preevytip, then smiled. To her question why, I responded I hadn’t met them yet.

Sarah wanted to know if I wrote notes from the lectures, I negated. She stated that it gets boring. She was laughing on my account for what once used to be my biggest shame in front of I-4. I was laughing too, but of course – fakely.

She was acting like the old Sarah I used to know. She was very sincere towards me when she most purely asked me if we did mathematical induction in the same way. So she is sincere in front of me, but if there was another person she could say I was “moved”.

It was Halloween, so some kids were going “trick-or-treating”.  Our neighbor Scarlet adviced them it is done in America and England adding “There are no witches here”. The kids requested 50 denars in front of our window, but mum expelled them. As a Christian I decided not to celebrate it, but I have good memories from it.

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Tuesday 30.10.2016

Morning with the highschoolers.

In the faculty’s hall Benjamin said to Nelson I:
-Where are you, legend?
I don’t need to be a legend, just worthy to justify the epithet given from God: HUMAN.

I didn’t see Andrea. Was she absent? I sat next to a male, and a male sat next to me.

The list came to me, somebody else had signed for Andrea. Definitely absent. But on the first break she appeared forward.
-Andrea why were you late? – I asked her.
-I missed it.
-And why had you called me?
-I forgot my umbrella.

Out of my row, Munin and I shook hands and I asked him if he would go out.

Later, after the it girl greeted the happy threesome, we did a high five while she was passing. She asked me if I was fine and smiled. She was standing with some colleagues and then while she was looking at me, I grabbed the chance:
-I wanna ask you something.
-Why were you gone on practices on Friday?
-What practices? … What group are you? Are you with him? – She referred to Nelson II, who was in front of us rewriting Math.
-I transferred.
-Eeh, when?
-Well, last week. There’s more waiting.
-I wanted to tell you to hang me out. You’re very outgoing and sincere and I like that.
-I’m like that. … OK, we’ll hang you out. Me and Marcus.
-But you transferred.
-It doesn’t matter.
It does. It will never have that cohesion without you.
maxresdefault-We’ll be seeing each other again. – The it girl concluded.
I said she went to Makfest as she had published it on Facebook. She confirmed, adding she attended two evenings, without the finale. To my interest why, she told me the tickets for it were expensive – 500 denars. I asked if there were songs that she liked, then we talked about Next Time as she had Stefan_e_Martin_Filipovski_-_Nešto_što_kje_ostanephotos with them. She visits their Stip performances. Munin was laid a few places further looking at me. You don’t want me? You won’t have me. Others will. The it girl denied Next Time knew her.

After she left, totally predictable, Munin sat next to me asking me to lend him my Math notebook in order he to rewrite what he missed and to return it the next day. OK. OWN?

Munin informed me he bought a laptop, I congratulated him. He asked me if I studied at home, I replied I did only from the practices. He studied on the computer shared with his roommates. Before he left to sleep, he asked me if they gave indexes, I didn’t know.

Dave moved one place next to me, asking me if it was free.

While the I.T. professor was checking the list, when my turn came, I said:
-“Me”. – Tim repeated my quietness. -Shout manly.

Benjamin, who was sitting next to Tim in front me, asked me if I studied. I told him I did only Linear Algebra, but he said I had everything studied.

In the hall Nelson I suggested he, Nelson II, me and Andrea to practice together.

Waiting on the waiting area – Andrea and Nelson II were talking while I was behind them. Muriel, Emily and Thomas joined them. I felt spiritually empty. If it wasn’t for Christianity, here I would realise that clawing should be used in life. It’s practical, it works. The proof was a few steps away from me.

After a while, Thomas shouted:
-Colleague! Colleague, come here.
I came there. That’s what a real friend is.

What were they talking about? Money – life in America. Nelson I greeted me before he left. Thomas asked me:
-Do you study a lot?
-Ah “no”. He does. – Andrea included herself.
-I’ll come to Zlox. – Thomas said to me.
-Don’t come to my place. – Andrea forbade him.
Someone didn’t read the Bible.

Thomas was interested how much Zlox was distanced from Preevytip. I considered it was 11 kilometers, Nelson II agreed and Andrea didn’t believe it. Muriel wanted to know if the same road to Zlox leads to Preevytip. She had never been in Zlox and she visited Preevytip for a football match.

The bus arrived. Inside, Andrea called me to sit next to her, but I told her I wanted to sit from the window’s side. Then she called Nelson II. He came, i.e. he bit.

I’m a real person. I don’t act like a rodent to stow everything. Why didn’t she invite me while I was standing alone?

They did talk, but not as much as I expected.

In Preevytip, Andrea went at Wendy’s. To my interest, she said it was to take something.

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Monday 29.10.2012


I sat in the third row for the Linear Algebra practices. I simply wasn’t in the mood.

553840_3600165478931_598626114_n - CopyOn the break I went at the secretary’s office to take my student confirmation. There I met a spiky-haired woman who was filling a form regarding finishing faculty. She didn’t know what to fill on a blank, so she was waiting for the secretary to return. She asked me what I was studying, what year I was and wished me luck.

While I was waiting in front of lecture room 10, Mike approached me opening his mouth, I smiled. He sat one seat away from me and asked me:
-Why don’t you go with the others?
-They don’t call me.
-Don’t give a damn. Go with them.
He didn’t know if we’d have Linear Algebra.

Inside, Mike sat in the last row again. Before Andrea who was sitting next to me went to eat with the Radovish guy, she offered to buy me something. No, no, I had eaten a banana.

I felt “ticklish” as our Maths professor would say. Dave sat in the same row but away from me. When Muhammed arrived, he told me “Merhaba”, Andrea repeated my response. The it girl begged for someone to calculate what theme was her Maths seminar work supposed to be based on operations with her index number, not asking me. She found it to be number 3, but Monique disagreed. Sitting close to me Muhammed asked me:
-What are you doing, bro?
-I’m sitting. I’m waiting. – I said, he repeated it.
Marcus asked me to open the window. Marcus and the it girl are popular! Ultimately we were informed we wouldn’t have lecture.

On the way to F.E.S., Andrea and I were walking in the same row from different sides of the road. She was searching for a friend. Later, I was in front of her. Dave and Mike were together. Mike went back. Dave asked me where I would go, joining me as his car was busy.

Nothing from my it girl plan. She is too popular.

God gave me the rain just in perfect time. Mike was hugged with a friend. Dave and I entered in F.E.S., but we were supposed to wait for our group’s practices, so he asked me where to go, I suggested to make a circle where I usually walk. Outside Dave and I walked under my umbrella. When I asked him where he goes when we have waiting, he shared he went with #2 who I had mistakenly identified as Thomas and whose name is Bennett, and with #3 or the actual Thomas to a sport betting office, but he wasn’t interested in writing tickets. Led by Christianity, I advised him not to do it. Dave also told me he’s occupied with weeding rice. He liked the material talking to me about his motorbike, car and PC. He doesn’t believe he’d get employed on something Computer Studies related.

In the F.E.S.’s hall a guy came next to Dave. He confessed he owned 2 motorbikes and that he had driven a truck. I knew he’d go on. After the other group was released from their practices, the it girl, Marcus and Reis told me “Bye”.

Inside the lecture room, I took the third row and Dave the second, but he moved to mine, blocking the Mines 2 from taking their standard positions. Bad.

When my faculty day was finished, I walked another tour happily. I saw I had two missed calls from Andrea. Why?

There weren’t more passengers for me to leave with from Preevytip, so I accepted a taxi driver’s offer to bring me to Zlox for 100 denars. He was talkative with me using vulgar expressions like “Let’s place it in this woman”. He also discussed Andrea, telling me “You’ll fuck a Lesnovo’s daughter in law. Noting my shyness, he advised me to take a male attitude.

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26.10.2012 – 28.10.2012

Friday 26.10.2012

On the road, I looked at a woman leading a child. It was my beloved grandma Viola – the food cleaner in my kindergarten. I didn’t want to look away, I told her “Hello”, she responded to me. I was happy.

On the waiting area Ducky was looking at me, but when I tried to look at him, he stopped. I recognised Dave and looked towards his direction, he wasn’t looking at me. Then he saw it, he looked towards me, but I was looking ahead. Further, a girl made me a place to pass. I feel uncomfortable every morning dealing with this.

In the bus I experienced a surprise. Sittingly I spotted two guys forward, I assumed they were elder than me. The guy who was approaching was looking at me, I was looking at him as well. I got my look down, and he kept looking at me. I looked at him again, now he wasn’t looking at me, I recognised him… Stanley. If I don’t come to them, they’ll come to me. I wanted to ask him where was he going, but he wasn’t looking at me. The curtains had darkened the space, he knew I had impaired vision, yet he wasn’t forthcoming, but he expected something from me. Yet, I wasn’t giving up. He sat on the seat across mine and I was looking at him while he was putting the fiscal bill into his pocket hoping he’d look at me. I was interrupted by the Firk who sat next to him. Nothing, except reserved looking at me. Raising myself I moved the curtain and stretched to see grandma Viola. Stanley and the Firk smiled. I was sad. I cried. We were supposed to be friends. Why like this? I love them. I felt hurt. I knew I deserved it. At least I can easily handle with the material, the spiritual hurts me mostly. Towards the end, on Channel 77 they played an older version of “Lady Marmalade”. Ah, times… As you know me, I could get off at the bus station , not in front of the Electro just to see where would they go, but… perhaps I didn’t give them that value. They were looking me coming out and I kind of moved my head towards Stanley and smiled. It was fake which goes in package with the fake me, but I knew it would mean to them so I kept it until my exit.

In the hall, #4 asked me “where are you”, Dave just turned back after he saw me. I was standing alone again. I should have escaped to a monastery on time. At least they would have appreciated my spirituality there. Nobody noticed I had new glasses. The talkative Nelson I was with our group this Friday too. Who gives him the right? As I see he intensively hangs out with the handsome unshaven guy whose name I found out to be William or Willy. The others must think I do what I do because I want it that way. I don’t. I thought: “You have a promise from God that He will return, I give you promise that you will see the real me.” A guy stood next to me, but that wasn’t it. After disappointment, nothing is the same anymore.

Inside I took my standard position and the guy on my left helped me insert a photo in my exercise. I couldn’t understand Nelson’s behavior to the assistant: “I swapped with a girl… Just in Fridays”. Just in Fridays? Every Friday impoliteness! Why do we have to endure his military career failure?

On the way out, Mike, who was just about to enter paid attention to me. Only I went to walk on the pause. Don’t forget, God was alone too.

Back, I sat in the third row in lecture room 12, Dave chose to sit in the second one. He asked me if he could take my book to read. Speaking to Muriel, he had difficulties remembering which subjects he took for matura and I was surprised to hear he failed Maths.

I didn’t find Mike in our group on the list. The it girl was missing and it was very noticeable. When it comes to it girl usually other girls hate her, but from inside lust to be like her, our it girl isn’t like that. She truly cares about others. It isn’t the same without her.

Then… after two unsuccessful days… I had the solution… 100% tested to be working… experience speaks for it… a new improved strategy… hanging out with the it girl. Yes, it makes sense. I know it’s very progressive Christianity but as a clever person I’m aware that being with girls is better than being alone! Experience tells me gays have better reputation than the lonely ones. Besides it doesn’t necessarily mean someone is gay if he hangs out more with the opposite gender.

Outcome: They (the boys) will come to me first. Because they want popularity, plus I have the gender… I know how profane people function. They think I’m distanced because I want to? Then they don’t know me. Think again. The it girl is interested in me, and it’s proven that it’s easier and more successful to do something you’ve been doing your entire life, than something new (I’m referring to the closeness with the opposite gender), meaning guaranteed results. I am usually governed by the rule
“Deeds, not words”, this time if I get a chance I’ll open myself to the it girl that I’d rather hang out with her, than to stand alone, as she loves sincereness, she will accept me. And then…

Yes, I’ll definitely try it. She is my latest hope, before I reach after the pill mum recommends me for outgoingness.

Back to reality, Thomas turned around and winked me, I smiled to him. No practices next Friday.

On the waiting area, Tim came by to buy a toast (alone!) and we contacted, Andie left home with taxi and the it guy, I mean, Reis raised his hand towards me, I raised my head.

In the bus… “I… like to like you baby” by Beyonce were the lyrics I heard when I saw the Firk and Stanley on the first place with this bus as I assumed. The Firk was looking at me, Stanley wasn’t. My guess: Fear.

In Preevytip, they headed towards the square, which reminded me sometimes I to wait there too. Unfortunately a taxi driver found me and brought me to Zlox.

Home, I was ready to put my promising plan into practice – I offered Facebook friendship to the it girl. She accepted becoming my milestone 200th friend. Mike had a new profile picture. At first I was afraid to “like” it, but the fear was gone after realizing he’d do the same about me. Now the problem was: what if my “like” appeared in the news feed to let’s say M.? Where I know Mike from?

I told mum about Facebook and her, she wanted to know if the it girl is beautiful or just a “swanker”. A-a, this it girl is very special. Natural, above all.

I feel positive about the next week. Time will change, weather will change, I will change. Watch me!


[The text for the period 27.10.2012-09.11.2012 is based on notes.]


Saturday 27.10.2012

Andrea’s sister’s wedding day. I was shy, hiding behind mum while the wedding attenders were dancing after the registration, but I saw Andrea wearing a red dress.


Sunday 28.10.2012

The evening Andrea called me to ask me about the next day. She received a compliment from me that she was very beautiful for the wedding.

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Thursday 25.10.2012

After my usual walk in Stip, I arrived first in A.2.

When the most handsome guy entered with his friend-roommate, I heard:
-Bravo, just him.
The m(ost) h(andsome) g(uy) picked the second row. While he was leaving tracks showing the places are busy for his friends, right in front of me, I could, but decided not to look at his butt, as I preferred to look at God.

I was surprised to see Gülben, so I asked her:
-Gulben, isn’t it your holiday today?
-It’s my holiday.
And then, Dave placed himself next to me.

It was interesting how the M.H.G. defended the busy seat. We heard “the second WC” instead of “the second row” and after he got noted, he said “Fuck you!” Uh-um. Fuck you, not “Motherfucker”. Gulben, Dave and I laughed.

hqdefault - Copy#3 wanted Gulben regarding the holiday Eid al-Adha to give him donuts and pancakes instead of baklava. When will some people learn there are more important things than food? I know, when their first sexual experience happens.

Dave told #3 “I’m not taking you later” multiple times but didn’t want to specify where. Then he quietly told him nobody to hear. Ooo, I’m already a threat! It doesn’t matter, at that moment like there wasn’t a loftier feeling for me from the thought that God will take me to heaven!

Newsflash: Vanessa shaved part of her hair.

On the lecture Marcus and I greeted each other and he passed through my forehead with a golden ring to see if I was charmed. I’m not sure how unchristian it was, but I understood it as a joke.

The girl behind me (probably called Sandry) called our most handsome guy. At last, his name was Reis. Reis? Who would say that the M.H.G. belonged to another nation? Which one?

The girl asked a pen from him, but he didn’t have. Actually he said:
-I have a pen but… (he smiled)
Well our ex-Darryl had a better sense of humour: “I have a pen with a white ink”. Uh-uh! A weak spot.

At first I assumed he was Gypsy as he was fluent in speaking our language, but his excessive body hair classified him as Turk.

Probably the same girl later asked me if I’ll give her to rewrite the Electrotechnics exercises from the last practices. Reis (it’s strange now, I know) warned her that she talks during lectures, I smiled to him and quietly said “I’m not listening to you”. He was just jealous to me. Then, he and I had a moment looking at each other.

In lecture room 3, Nelson II asked me which group am I from, and I went to get a student confirmation at the counter where I met Dave and asked him what he was doing. He later told Nelson II they had mistaken his surname in his E-index.

I wasn’t satisfied from the day and I. I just… wasn’t me. The things weren’t at all as I imagined at the beginning. Why did I try at all!

I was at the edge to snap, the others had some others, and I? Of course, patience won. I admit they are strong, but they are not strong enough to alienate me from God. In fact they just harden my idea to publish my diary. It will happen, I’m sure!

On the break, I turned around to see the other lone boy. I removed my head from him, but I looked at him again after I realised who he was – Mike. He said I was solving a lot, I asked him why in the last row.

I noticed that our it girl wasn’t there, it must be why it wasn’t cheerful.

They have no idea how much I love them and how much I hate the sin in them. They don’t care if their sins surpass them as people. I admit the profane life is tempting, but this what I do is for a bigger purpose. I’m sure it’s the right way. I looked at the sky as hope.

On the road Mike asked me if I would go home. I didn’t stand next to Nelson II as he expected, but close to #3. The potential #4 asked me how was the math today, I repeated him that it was “fucked up”.12847

A guy from behind who said “Dick” looked like Lester to me. So he is pervert like his brother too. I remembered his black tracksuit with the Adidas sign.

When the van for the high school students arrived, a guy – “the Chocolate one” called me with them. I could have waited for the bus, but I appreciated his help. That’s good will, not showing a middle finger!

In the van, the lone girl on the first seat ignored me, so I reached after the other only empty seat – the third row with Harold.
-Harold, is it free?
-It’s free.
I sat and the guy with the 3-striped tracksuit was sitting in front of me. It was Lester who had left empty the seat between him and the window, forbidding me to sit. Is that so? He asked sth Harold, and he finished the sentence with slowed down intonation typical for the females. Perhaps that’s why he refused to answer my gay Ask and Facebook question. Lester told him something, glancing at me. In fact Lester told him many things, he just laughed. I heard Zane was in the van plus. Lester offered Harold Choco Biscuit, he refused. Distanced despite the so many interactions, so he must be either gay or bi. Lester didn’t want either so he gave the whole chocolate to the Chocolate one. I understand this as bribe for deepening their fragile friendship.

Lester indicated me with his eyes to Harold. If I’m so interesting, why didn’t he choose first-hand exploration? Fear.

One situation certainly wasn’t enough, but after this I changed my opinion about Lester. From now on only God and people that mean a lot to me can hurt me, Lester isn’t in that rank anymore.

They have chosen the devil and their deeds confirm it! No problem, I’ll pull through. I’ve been through so many things, what could be worse than them? I’m not accepted here, but with publishing the diary I would get accepted worldwide. Jesus wasn’t accepted by the Jews too. Thank you for adding Biblical perspective to my story.

Standing up, Lester’s legs still looked fat to me. No he was wearing the jeans from his seventh grade picture.

It was spiritually though day for me. Tomorrow I hope for renaissance. Friday love !

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Wednesday 24.10.2012

Finally it was happening.

The day came Lester and I to ride together.

I went out in front of my gate, the van passed but the Lester and company weren’t there. It was better, because otherwise I would have been the first to say “Hi” to him. Mum told me they were coming, I told her to close the gate, but she said she wasn’t visible. When they stood from the other side Lester and I looked each other and… nothing. I didn’t plan that way. Why?

Mum? Fear from face-to-face? He didn’t feel me close?

Even when the van came back and they came to my side, nothing between us two. He stood closer to me, but I gave them advantage. Inside, I sat on the fourth seat, without realising I have passed Lester who was on the second. Otherwise I would have considered saying “Hello” to him.

Lester hangs out with his co-travellers only when they want it. Like Andrea. He is communicative, but not when there’s more than one person around him. So what if he is the first year? He should fight!

Harold Donker also spotted me and nothing again.

Let it be. Other people appreciate me. I’m aware that I can’t make conclusions (at least not strong) from one situation.

I continued with Andrea.
-Isn’t he our colleague? – she asked me.
It was #2, to whom it was easier to race me.

In the second-floor hall, I knew Andrea and the most handsome guy would say something, but I didn’t expect him to ask “What are you doing” – referring to both of us. Surprisingly he passed obliquely his hand towards me to greet each other. Voila! A bite. Someone has changed his opinion about me. Something says to me it’s not the last time. In the A.2 Andrea plunged in the first row, and I kept walking.
-The second row is busy to tell you. – said the most handsome guy to me.
It was already busy in my mind seeing there were girls.
-Come here. – Andrea called me.
-I don’t want to sit in the first desk.
I pleaded to the M.H.G.. Even before the start, I made myself clear about my purpose there.

The third row was busy with the unpleasant … oops – fakely pleasant Thomas with his Dave(id), that left the fourth row for me – next to… Mike. Although it was my turn to greet him he addressed me first. After our short chat, I spotted Andrea removing her look off of me. I know that this is weird to you. The friend next to Mike asked him where was I from and what have I finished. After he found out I had 98 points, Mike asked me if the mine near Zlox works. “That mine has irradiated all of you” was his comment.
-It irradiated all of us.
I adored his openness. Mind you, last year Stacey said that everyone from Zlox was irradiated “only 2-3 not”.
No, I prefer to believe I was a special story.
-How much have the others?
Eh they are not to that much…
-They don’t have more.
-Well how, weren’t you irradiated?
-In another way.
He answered he had 99 points, but it’s 6th on the list due to an error. I said I’ll check.

He asked me if I had the I.T. assignments as they were removed. Removed? I said I could sent them to him. He agreed.
-Do you have Facebook?
Here we go.
He pulled out his Nokia smartphone. There was a half-naked girl he showed it to me and I just smiled. It was real, not because I love sinning, but because I greatly respect that he chose me to do it.

My turn came and he asked me how I am signed.
-Don’t you remember?
-No, maybe you’re “Nicky”.
I thought of my full name from the list, but…

He added me and continued to deal with his smartphone.

On the break, I turned around to see Sarah high fiving with the Mines 2. She has the popularity, I have the gender.

Resuming the lecture, Marcus sitting next to Sarah in my row called me and we high fived, plus he asked me if I was fine, I asked him too.

On our second break, Mike stood up to get signed in the list in the first row. I went there, gave turn to the it girl, then I related her with the signing the first Wednesday – either she was the girl who took my turn either she participated in the commentaries about “my screw-up”. After I got signed I gave my list to the one right to me – the one who sat next to me last B.P. practices. I lent him my pen as well.

Then Gülben sat next to me and Mike never returned.

In the end I was leaving alone. I tried to follow the others to go on additional Maths practices, but all of them went out, so did I. I asked Muhammed where will he go, he said he will go to eat, swallow. Andrea and another guy joined. Muhammed was waiting for Munin. Andrea and the other guy weren’t sure whether to go to exercises or not. When I saw Munin I mistakenly called him “Muhammed”, I’m glad he didn’t noticed (at least acted that way). The two Turks spoke about me.
-He loved you very much. – said Munin to me.
How wouldn’t he love me?
-What are you gossiping me? – I asked him.
-He says he loved you very much.
-I love him too.
He told him, Muhammed smiled and kind of denied or didn’t believe it.

The Turks climbed into a taxi. I decided to go на Maths, and the others not, but I couldn’t manage where to go, so I walked in the center.

Returning, Marcus and I waved each other, Benjamin asked me why didn’t go on Maths with them.

On the waiting area Andrea asked me why didn’t I go with her to buy shoes, and Nelson I was looking for a reason why didn’t I tell him to sign me on the additional. Because I obey HIM.

#3 and the potential #4 came too.
Both of them spoke to me. #3 wanted I to ride in some yellow van with TV. He didn’t specify where is he from, but he did invited Nelson I to come at his place.

You know, Nelson I and Andrea are my biggest frENEMIES. Like I see personification of the devil in them. Andie is very pleasant, Nelson II doesn’t seem bad at all, what’s the problem with those? Being from the other group helps me sometimes not to see them, but it makes them closer. Where is God to those souls?

In Preevytip Nelson II said “Come on” to me and mum and I went to the dentist. Good news: My old braces works!🙂

[The continuation is based on notes.]

On the waiting area from the Mines I saw Stanley and A.B. John asked me where I was. However, my experience shows that good things mean that bad things will happen soon.

The taxi driver I came with was a relative of Andrea’s. I was home at 1:30 p.m..

It’s good and is becoming better.

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Tuesday 23.10.2012

A day off.

Going through her Chemistry material, Sarah confessed me that Edith S. a.k.a. Melanie’s sister from her class asked her if she would go out with someone from second or third year high school from Zlox studying in Preevytip. She guessed his name was Darryl as she didn’t remember it. I told her there isn’t a Darryl on that age and I asked her if the name could be David, it could. Dave already has a girlfriend, so… that leaves… Ducky!!! He and my cousin? After I told her he has commented on a photo of mine, she asked me to send her his Facebook profile. Unbelievable, right?

At 12:39 I beeped Andrea to arrange about the practicing. After waiting for response, we scheduled at 5.

Luckily, at 15:41 she called me to cancel it, initially just to postpone it for 6 p.m., but I was willing “for another time”.


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Monday 22.10.2012

Ducky told A.B. sth about me, Ted looked at me, then he turned his head and I just passed not looking at them. It could have been perfect, but it was easier for me not to dare.

In Stip I filled my time walking, sitting in the park and taking the Electrotechnics tasks.

I was just about to enter in the university when someone sitting in the distance exclaimed:
I turned towards him. He was inviting me with his arm. It was Marcus and I went there. There were several colleagues of mine surrounding the table. Marcus suggested me to take a chair and join them.

After I sat, the it girl sitting next to him asked me:
-Didn’t you recognise us?
-I didn’t see you. I don’t wear my glasses.
She told Marcus I sat next to her twice on Electrotechnics practices .
-You remember. – I was free to our it girl.
-I remember. How wouldn’t I remember?
Because some “it” girls are very “upped”.

I asked her:
-Were you Sarah?
-Are you from here?
-I’m from here.
-What have you finished?
-Uh-um. (I nodded).
She later asked me about the school too.
Speaking about the upcoming students’ party on Wednesday, she asked me if I would go.
-Where is it?
The name may have been “Angels” which she explained it was behind the F.E.S.. The it girl teased me:
-There are girls as much as you want.
Well you are one of them. I was just smiling knowing it contradicts with the religion. The party started at midnight, I admitted I had nowhere to go. Someone suggested straight to lectures, Marcus suggested the free place at him but “No, most sincerely, he has nowhere to go” followed by Sarah.

Our it girl was interested in some Serbian song that a colleague wrote the chorus of and Gülben played it on Youtube on her smartphone.

The it girl claimed that she was the only one that hangs me out, but I said “Him too” looking at Marcus who told me to speak louder.

The others were quiet, I wasn’t saying anything at all, so Marcus’s usual “say something, bro” was inevitable.
-I don’t know them. – I replied.
The it girl told introduced me with the rest of the table “sitters”. Others came too, but they were standing. The one next to me asked me:
-Are you that Nick that is first signed?
Another one standing asked me how many points I entered with. He said he had 99, but he was added later. I recognised him – he was the one sitting next to me last Wednesday. He said I looked like him (there it is the my look), to which I just smiled, not that I didn’t have what to say.

Then I guess, Marcus asked me again to say something, I have told him I don’t know them meaning by personality, not their names and I stopped the it girl repeating the names saying I to tell them.
-Dean, Albert… Daisy, Gülben, Tailor…
They were surprised by my memory, but after I told only “Zachary” from four or three guys, I heard I needed an upgrade as I only had 2GB memory. That’s enough for me, if he meant RAM. The truth is I wasn’t even trying to remember those that I didn’t say. Gotcha!

Sarah told me the names of four more guys, but even at the end I became aware she was doing it. The thin standing the-one-who-claimed-have-99-points invited me to go inside with him addressing me with “Nicky”. I accepted. He showed me appreciation, here’s the respect:
-What’s your name?
We sat together briefly in the hall and in lecture number 10, he invited me to sit in the last row next to him, but I couldn’t see from there, so I occupied the row number 4.

After one of the mines 2 helloed a friend of him, I told him Hello too, without feedback. Muhammed sat next to me. The it girl and Al were telling jokes – but hers were dominated by gays, and his – with grandmas. Sarah pleaded she never had a gay friend or at least she hasn’t recognised one. Muhammed laughed, I asked him if he knew what was “queer”, he 024565706_prevstillshowed a gesture with his hand telling me the Turkish name for it. The it girl commented if someone speaks low to her, she does it that way too pointing me as an example. I like her more than our ex-it. She’s very open and sincere, something that is very positive in communication. After playing with my pen, Muhammed went out to buy cigarettes. He answered to me he was from Istanbul, but just repeated me about the reason for his coming here. “To change a little” – I said, he agreed. He asked me where I was from and added that it’s calmer living in village. Then he went in the hall after his cell phone rang. Mike asked me if I smoked as I passed Muhammed cigarettes.

Someone informed us we won’t have Linear Algebra, so we left. Mike asked me was I going, I replied that I would walk across the town. He and the potential #4 (from our popular guys) were going on the coffee.

In the yard Andrea told me she considered calling me as she didn’t see me. She wanted I to walk with her and the two Nelsons but I said I’m not from the first group whose next practices started at 12:30, and ours from 2. Although I was walking alone, I realised with my real abilities I could became our “it” boy even without the look. I was happy.

After my standard tour, earlier I went at F.E.S.. After Nelson II went out I asked him “Will you leave?” Munin went out confessing he “escaped”. David and #3 sat on another bench and the handsome now-deeply shaven guy attracting girl sat next to me.

In the lecture room, I decided to sit on Muhammed’s place in the third row. On my question, he told me the computer worked, but he didn’t log in as he didn’t have a[n index] number. Side note: He touched my back. The most handsome guy was looking at me, but stopped when I directioned my head towards him. Wondering, ah? The feeling when others think that you are insane and experience this kind of moment… I tremendously want to know what is it like.

Next to me sat the mines 2. A problem: There was something wrong with Dev C++, but I’m a persistent person. I went to its website and downloaded it, but… I needed the administrator’s user name and password. One of the mines 2 asked me if it didn’t work and said “You fucked it up”. Me? However, my ambitiousness led me to sit in the same row from the other side of the threesome. I asked him exercise number what we are and he asked his friend to tell me. The guy next to me was faster than me in creating programs and surprisingly he was the one who found my mistake when I couldn’t compile my work. I had written |, there should have been ). Clever him. He decided not to make our third assigned program.
-Are you bored?
I looked at him.
-Are you bored?
My secret for the relationship without fear? I felt them like family. Besides when I already call them Mines 2, I am 100% sure they’re good souls. And there are results and more to come. Soon.

Outside nobody took the path I did.

My phone was ringing inside, there it was again – with “Andrea” on it. What? Wasn’t it mum?

I’ll be short: She had assumed I was home, she didn’t attend B.P., someone else signed for her, my cousin Steven told Nelson I to defend me if someone bullied me and she wanted I to come at her place to practice B.P. with possibility to call some Mack to show us, but she didn’t get what she wanted after I told her I was going to Preevytip. “If you want tomorrow beep me, I’ll call you”, she said at the end.

Just when everything was going well… However, I didn’t get upset as when Barbara or Elaine would arrange a visit. Whatever it is, it will pass. Should I stick to the rule “Keep your enemies closer”? I could choose, there was an “if”.

In Preevytip, I finally went at the dentist with mum. The doctor recommended to see if I can wear my old braces first, so he just sealed me a teeth.

Then… a new haircut at Charlie’s.

Sarah (my cousin) had come in Zlox with the high-schoolers bus in which two males sitting behind her were saying “Sarry, Sarry”, as they were saying “Nicky” to me. She assumed those were Superman and Martin.

A holiday was ahead of me and I had Andrea in mind…

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Sunday 21.10.2012

Aunt Tricia and Steven interrupted my diary writing. It was the fake me in front of them – only answering their questions. Eventually Steven and I found ourselves alone in the room
Iffet_Intertitleand after his questions about my faculty, I asked him about his faculty. He said I would certainly watch Iffet if I wasn’t on faculty. – Not believing in me.

Downstairs he assumed I don’t hang out because everyone does what wants to do. He wasn’t right. I told him I don’t open myself completely, he said God gave him an ability to estimate even a person who doesn’t open completely too.
-Then estimate me. What am I like? – I said to him.
-You don’t want the others around you to succeed.
-OK. – I said.
OK, it’s what I wanted him to think. Correct, he can estimate me – but the fake me.

He said I should sometimes victimise for the others as he victimised when a friend of his got F, he said to the professor “Put F to me too” because he was the one who spoke to the friend.

Fact: Not knowing me.

I victimised myself to call Alison “assistant” even though every 1-year student calls her “professor”, for Munin even though I knew our signatures shouldn’t be on the EMF list. I victimised myself when I highly raised the right list to give it to Munin. It was because I KNEW he was worth.

And why am I explaining, when some don’t deserve it?

Upstairs, he asked me how would I feel if someone who had the same knowledge as me gets A and I get B, I replied it wouldn’t be all the same to me. And you know it wasn’t the same to me to hear Sarah was chosen over me as the best… having helped her hundreds of times… He said Sammy and I were closed and didn’t want to speak with others – selfish. Wishing A.B. with Brian to be saved instead of me doesn’t make me selfish. He asked me if I stayed in Skopje or Stip would I call mum and dad. I said I’d call my mum to ask her to show me the way, otherwise I’d wait she to call me. He considered it was wrong as those are my family. They “loved” me.

We are not so advanced for wishing I had never existed to be considered as love. I’d call people that really love me and trust me and I feel the same for them. He confided that the ones he trusted the most disappointed him so [much that] he couldn’t believe his own brother. They are very few, but there are people I absolutely trust to. Knowing the real me they are aware I won’t act the same if front of them if they betray me, so our love grows fonder instead.

Steven speaks about a me he used to know. He doesn’t know what have I been through and what am I going through. I know one thing: Those who have seen the real me, want to see it again. I told him I didn’t change (referring to the people who knew the fake me before) because they already have an opinion about me, about which he said could be quickly changed. I know it, but I also know that the feeling from the love-filled relationship with those who see me as equal to them is extremely different.

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