Tuesday 27.11.2012

On the waiting area Troy stood to wait close to me.

Andrea and I decided to wait for the Maths pause to enter. We weren’t alone – Peter had overslept (so he was afraid of the professor). Andrea was sitting between us. He didn’t feeling like talking to me – obviously it depended on the mood. No problem: I had my Zlox girl who asked me about the seminar work. When the time came – I “helloed” Marcus, surprisingly Pete’s “Colleague why are you late?” was referring to me and Mike helped me in finding the list. Andrea wanted I to sit in the last rows, but I chose the second row filling the seat that Nelson II told me it was free, he also gave me his Maths notebook to rewrite the missed.

I smiled to Ergin who was sitting two seats away from me. On the second pause he touched my back when passing, behind him Reis just passed over me. I would exactly like to see where our tension will lead us to. I believe we are going to become very good friends. Four years ago, at times I was Sarah(ex-classmate)’s enemy, a year ago… you know. Plus we both hang out quite with the other nations and we’re both smart…

Benjamin didn’t say anything to me passing by me, just commented some word in German that someone didn’t know, but looked at Nelson II in the third row. Why? Simply because in his eyes Nelson was more normal than me. I have nothing personal against Nelson II (excluding his sins), but you know I hate scratching with what Nelson has reached that place at Benjamin. I know: Because Benjamin has seen Nelson II many more times with others than me. Not coincidently he told Nelson II that I accept to find a girlfriend and in similar situation looked at him while looking for someone to accompany him for eating (only not to be alone, of course). When will some people understand that being alone means COURAGE? Can’t they think? At the beginning God created only one man, God exists in three persons, but only Jesus lived on Earth as human, only One will judge us.

Being alone to me means fearlessness and appreciating spirituality more. That’s how I function and I like it.

I stayed alone, but Munin came next to me who had just arrived.

On the last third of Maths, after some outburst of Nelson I’s the professor couldn’t believe he was from Preevytip, assuming he was from Rudari or from Shlegovo. Impoliteness…

Muhammed arrived after Maths and sat next to me from my right, but I warned him a girl was sitting there referring Christy. Muhammed called me at his place, I told him “tomorrow maybe”. Munin came to sit next to me on my left. Reis asked me if the seats in the front row are free. Muhammed told Munin and I to move a seat to the right, and to the question “why”, he answered that a girl sat there. How come it occurred to him exactly then? Wasn’t he ignoring it? Or Ergin told him? Yet I moved. After Munin refused, funky-bugles-copysomeone was offering me “Funky”. The hand was Muriel’s, and when I looked at her, she looked at me reproachfully, but of course, for a master actor it was fake. I took one, Muhammed and Munin took too. Muhammed saw Dave alone, so he begged to sit next to him. At last Dave agreed and occupied the empty place. What was that? What’s that impoliteness from Muhammed’s side?

Munin accompanied Muhammed who went out to smoke, Dave asked me to switch my seat with Muhammed. “Why?” “He teases me a lot”. “There’s no understandment with him” – I commented, and the deeds confirm it. It stayed at “When he comes I’ll say to him”, but before he came, Willy who sat on the seat next to Dave told Christy her place has been taken. Now Dave told I to move one place to right, but the real me was firm: “I’m not moving”, so Dave stood up and went in another row. The Turks returned, Muhammed took the seat he sat before he left. There was an empty seat, and I move almost every Tuesday in order to see i.e. hear better on I.T.. I wasn’t allowing to be used anymore. I usually reach my goals patiently and indirectly, this time I changed the tactics:
-William does anyone sit there? Here does anyone sit? – I wasn’t smiling at all.
-Muhammed move there or I to pass to sit there!
There isn’t “if you want”.

He decided (or didn’t understand he had another option available) I to pass by him. To Munin I replied that from there it could be seen better.

On I.T. someone from behind gave Muhammed a bare chewing gum who tucked it in his pocket. The real me turned around to see who it was. It was Nelson I. We smiled at each other. I wasn’t given a gum, yet I consider this to be success. It was given to Muhammed out of pity, so imagine, in a way Nelson I feels me on the same level. I’m on a good track.

On the waiting area Andrea and a girl sat on the bench I was sitting. Andrea later told me it was Alison, Mike’s company. Andrea, I and the colleague from Radovish Trevor went in Campus 2 on the computers by Andrea’s idea to fill time. Andrea was scared from Maths’s Giovanni letting me to go first. She didn’t want him to embarrass her. Like she can’t embarrass him.

Home, Facebook reminded me it was Gedzo’s birthday. My brain simply forgets the info I don’t wanna care about. I wished him on his wall.

In the evening, I saw the mines passing on the road. I recognised Ethan and Brian. I removed my glasses, so I couldn’t see who waved me.
-He’s not shy anymore. – Brian proclaimed.
I was happy. Just like in the old times. Ah, nostalgie. …

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Monday 26.11.2012

After my walk, I went to C.2. There, the colleague’s voices were already audible in the hall. As I was climbing on the stairs I spotted Ergin near the fence. I didn’t look at him, I wanted to greet him when I arrive, but he went away. Let it be. Dave said this time he arrived first racing me out. Mike sitting on the merged chairs next to Gulben and Andrea repeated my “OK”. Dave went at Reis and co. → Scratch, scratch…

dartsAndrea who hurt her finger playing darts asked me if I’d ever played darts.
-I have.
-Where? – She asked me.
-On Sport.
-Hey that on the board. That’s not real.
-Not on the board, the other way.
-Well in sixth grade…

Come on, it’s not wroth. If she doesn’t remember it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Well Anthony the Cat brought dartboard and arrows for which the teacher Leslie said they last a whole century! I don’t care what Andrea thinks. Apparently there was real professional darts in Zlox for 20 denars per game. Andrea asked Mike what’s Alison’s name. Then the three of them discussed their smartphones.

Obviously somebody’s brain leaks as the the age increases, that’s why the modern devices are here – to ease the grief. I know how certain political party people come to second-hand materials, and the way resembles crime… Where is God to you?

Mike looked at me and blinked quickly twice. Why are people afraid of me?

Muhammed invited me to go with him outside to smoke, I accepted as I was alone. Ergin kept avoiding me despite the chat with Muhammed, but cursed, and Reis’s friend made his third verbal contact with me (yes, I’m counting) shouting to ask if we would have L.A..
-A who should I ask!?
Otherwise you don’t hang out with me, and when you have need, you communicate, a? What do I look like to you?

I didn’t even look aside to take a pause. He did take:
-The secretary.
-A is that at the counter?
Like I don’t know Gwen, but come on. They are yet to see me.
-It doesn’t matter. Go.
But unlike those that don’t talk to me at all, it did matter to me.

Muhammed told me that the main exit is blocked, but the decisive me went at the counter and asked if the she’s the secretary. I admit, it wasn’t logical to me Gwen to know this in the isolated office. The employee sent me at Gwen’s, I even asked her where she is. I sent Muhammed out as he insisted to ask later and went at Gwen’s. She told me we would have and the girl there told me some Sally told her the professor was coming.

Outside, in front of 2 Preevytip peers of mine I found out that Muhammed (who was now with a Turkish colleague) came on Saturday (“What did you do?” – “Normally, professor sits…”).

In the hall, we bumped into Reis. After he talked to Muhammed and greeted with the other Turk, he looked at me. A question followed if I had asked and what time we would have from. After all, he has a little trust in me anyway. He notified his friend.

[The continuation is based on notes.]

I returned to my old position in third floor hall. The it girl called me, I sat next to her as she wanted us to make a conversation. She asked me if I was fine, I asked her too. Muhammed dragged himself and talked with the it girl being obsessed with himself – his roommates went to Turkey, so he’s living alone now. When my turn came, I asked her if she was on Saturday, she was and told me they were 50-60 people.
-You should have told me to sign you.
-OK, a Sarah where is your Marcus?
-Why where is my Marcus? – She was surprised.
-Because you hang out together all the time.
-Marcus went downstairs with Naomi.

After they opened the lecture room 10’s door, we entered inside. Standard sitting: Gulben sat in the third row, I was behind her and Muhammed came next to me.

Muhammed told me he felt me like brother.
-Me too. – I said. -The others don’t hang me out a lot. I mean they do, but not that much.
Via Gulben translate he told me I had a special place in his heart.

I asked Gulben three times about the Saturday as we were interrupted by Muhammed.
-Don’t annoy.
-OK, cause in the group you’ve published that you signed some. I wanna know if I’m in them. – I defended myself.
-We signed only those with easier signatures.
-Aaa allegedly mine is hard.
Gulben asked for my name and to my remark that she didn’t remember it, she responded “it’s not one”. After I told it to her, she said “We’ll call you Nicky”. I asked her about Reis’s friend’s name, she told me it was Fred.


The “3 way” girl

Reis asked a colleague if he knew what “3-way” was. It reminded me of his Facebook comment to Bobby: “3 way bro” regarding a sexy girl. Reis also asked what’s the only way to shut up a girl (kiss).

The it girl reacted to Reis’s behavior:
-Wow if I say what I remembered.

Andrea moved i.e. switched place with me in order to be closer to the window.

The Kumanovo guy wanted to pair me with Naomi. Despite the comment that she had a boyfriend (revealed by Andrea), he suggested us to fulfill the desire for one night. Of course, I refused. He had the same idea about Andrea, but I refused saying we were from the same village meaning we knew each other, although the Kumanovo guy encouraged it just because of it. When he mentioned Gulben, I told him she was from another religion.

I asked Gulben if the dean would reduce my points if I’m not signed for a lecture, she said:
-Well if you don’t sign he’ll certainly reduce your points.
After seeing Andrea’s signature who also didn’t come on Saturday, Gulben told her it was hard. So…

Zlox news from Andrea: A young man I didn’t know died.

She stood up to switch the position.

I asked Dave where Thomas was, he replied “Do you need him?”.

After L.A., I saw Dave standing and asked him if he was waiting for Thomas, he denied and we walked together on the road. We joined Muhammed and Gulben. I was in line with Muhammed, Dave was with Gulben. Muhammed talked with the twins while I was on his second plan.

Muhammed told he had a car in Turkey. After they entered in F.E.S., he grabbed my hand and:
-You to eat.
I told him I wasn’t hungry, but he was persistent to accompany him to eat. I accepted, I went with him.

Theory: Muhammed is just using me to get with the other colleagues paying me to be his plus one… Almost always he chose others when there were. He wanted to take me out previously with Sarah. And if he thinks he could use me having a good heart – I’m not being behind.

I rushed Muhammed while he was eating his burek as I was worried we’d be late. This time my group was having B.P. with the first one.

He didn’t have a 5 denars coin that the employee requested to pay. I offered to give him, he refused and waited for the employee to find.

The B.P. practices had already started when we entered. Dave was next to me, playing a game.

The students from Preevytip and Zlox left at 13:23, half an hour earlier for the bus at 14:00 with the assistant’s permission.

Nelson I and Andrea went to boutiques to look jackets while Nelson II and I waited outside. They were not afraid from God for leaving the practices earlier. I continued with Andrea as we separated from the Nelsons.

Andie S. was absent. I asked Andrea for the reason, she responded:
-Where should I know from? Why’re you asking me?

Andrea informed me that she would travel in December for sure. She asked me if the Turks stank to me, I negated.

Finally Andrea and I time. Can’t say I missed it.

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24.11.2012, 25.11.2012

Saturday 24.11.2012.

I didn’t go to Stip. At 09:07 Gulben shared that she’s with Muriel at Campus 2. I didn’t know whether to believe, she might have posted it because the dean released them, so they were timefilling. Why exactly today from all days? To make us jealous?

Sarah left home.

Nick Nickson asked in the group did we have B.P., Benjamin replied “Yesss…”, and Reis wrote to A. Sushison to shut up. Experience had told me not to believe in everything that I see, so those Benjamin’s “sss…” could sound like false brag that could mean arrangement of those who came for nothing to lie to the others and Reis’s comment might have been foreshadowing the truth. However Gulben’s comment “Dont worry we were 20 people we signed 50” ruined my doubts: they had. Now Reis’s comment probably referred that Sushi didn’t come, so his friend signed him.

THEY HAD! This is my second missed lecture so far. It’s not “let it be”. How could I afford it: only 3 working days the week? It’s not about the two and a half hours lecture… I would have progressed in spiritualism… We would have been a few so they would have felt me close… A mistake again! I didn’t listen to myself. Adele said that in high school our parents stand behind us, on faculty we build ourselves as persons… I’m failing the test now.

My family (that has hurt me by great lengths when I was vulnerable) influenced me again. When will some people understand that money isn’t so important?

At least I’m glad that the mistake happened now, in the first semester. I gained experience. Now I know. This will serve to me for sth greater, for example not to stop me from publishing my diary. From now on when it comes to my life, they are powerless.

Like my status on Ni Ck: I do regret… but I’m happy for my mistakes… they ALWAYS make me STRONGER!


Sunday 25.11.2012

I was making the Maths seminar work.

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Friday 23.11.2012

A day off from faculty, yet Andrea had called me at 08:13.

Sarah arrived with the bus for high school students.

She thought I should add an option G regarding my theory why Milo and the girl didn’t meet me last Monday: She saw me and didn’t like me. I don’t believe in it considering that I was carefully observing in the distance. What’s not to like if the only thing she wants me for is sex?

After I told her my important stories from these days, she said I was more relaxed for 80% compared with the previous year.

Then she analyzed on Facebook if my male colleagues tweeze their eyebrows. Outcome: From what we had available in the eyebrows untweezing my company were: David, Reis, Munin, Muhammed and another guy. “I’m from village” is a good excuse, right?

In 19:11 some Delia Reeves shared in the group that Gwen sent her a return email that we’d have B.P. the next day for the Wednesday. The others grumbled, and from home I was told not to go. Mum washed my head, but they convinced me not to go.

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Thursday 22.11.2012

Andrea wasn’t in the bus.

While I was waiting in the faculty’s hall, the first group arrived without Andrea. Muhammed and Dave shook hands with me and sat next to me. After Dave swapped with Gulben, I asked her if Andrea had come on Maths with their group, she did(!) but told others to sign her for Electrotechnics. I asked Gulben will we study in Saturday to work for the Wednesday because of the tree day, she said to me:
-Are you all right? – That question here too.
-I don’t know, that’s what they said on the news.
Mum was sure we’ll study in Saturday though.

As they were talking about last night’s students’ party, I assumed the party girl felt too tired for her day to function the standard way.

As soon as he arrived, Marcus came to greet me (just hitting, a la female). Was it the same Marcus that teased me which girl I like? Btw, the it girl saw me, but didn’t come to greet. I am boring to her, I see.

In Amphitheater 2 I entered first and sat in the third row, the M.H.G. placed himself in front of me. Next to me, Muhammed sat on my right, Dave wanted to sit on my left, but the seat was broken so he sat a seat further. I asked Dave what happened with his other friend Bennett (here known as #2), he didn’t know, but told me he would write to him on Facebook. Just when I remember I used to call them popular… Muhammed asked me for my telephone number. He finally had index that showed me which came in package with a secret. He couldn’t quite explain me the secret that in his words only I was supposed to know, so he addressed Reis to translate. Before telling me Reis prepared looking aside to tell me the secret knowing that I’ll look him in the eyes. He had learnt the order… When I heard the mistake I smiled, he didn’t. On the one hand it means that he is sincere (not pretending), on the other hand – that he has explored me and concluded I’m not good as I look. I don’t regret. Muhammed showed Dave and me his driver license and the many cell phone cards.

After the professor entered, Christian behind me was asking me what’s up with Virginia. He suggested me to poke her and like on Facebook. Allegedly she was interested in me and as she was a “handbo’ player” she had a “tight pussy” (like it mattered to me).

Someone raced me in giving the Electrotechnics script to the professor, but Reis took mine.

On the pause, Nelson was looking at me, so I went next to him and we chatted. He was interested about Andrea, I found out Nelson I went hitchhiking and that Nelson II finished Computer Studies in EMUC Stip. I should have stayed longer, instead I told him I was bored.

Back to my place, I felt my phone vibrating. I was ignoring it, assuming it was mum, yet decided to see if it was Andrea. Neither, it was Muhammed.
All of the remained people in the room got quiet.
I avoided a name.
-Is Gulben there?
-She is not here. C’mon come.
-Who was it? – Thomas asked me.

02547716-copyThomas was throwing the chalk at me again, but without success. He asked me whether I would withstand if he hits me with the chair, I asked him “What chair with”.
-With this one – showing the professor’s.
-“What chair with” – Thomas copied me, he had nothing else left.
Luckily there were two other chairs.

While he was walking the row, Reis greeted Nelson II the male way. Scratch, scratch. It’s too obvious that some others think because I’m mostly alone, I’m not normal. No, it’s just a proof for my courage and endurance.

The others had come when I asked Thomas which village he comes from even though from Facebook I knew he is from Zrnovci. He invited me to come there, he had a shop in the center. Diana (Reis’s curly haired friend), told him not to fuck me up while Reis didn’t believe it.

Christian part 2: Apparently Virginia told him I didn’t “like” her photos and he suggested to compliment her on her legs. According to him, the male should woo. Who said Boki 13 is a male? He asked me I had “fucked” until now, I told the truth.
-And will you fuck Virg?
-If she wants.
Meaning: in marriage.
-And do you have a condom in you?
-How come you don’t. Without a condom she wouldn’t want.
And better. Some people never got bored with sex.

Benjamin asked I and Muhammed “Where are you brothers”, I asked him about Andrea. Like Melanie (I missed that name now) said to me four years ago: “You can’t if you don’t check”.

Ergin (Next to Reis) asked me if the latter on the board in the formula was λ, I confirmed him, but it turned out to be ϴ. Ergin returned the book to me instead of the careless Reis.

The Kumanovo guy was calling me to reach Virg, yet I went out the front door. Muhammed and Reis walked together, behind them were Ergin and I.

Ergin commented that we finally finished, I asked him where he is from from Turkey and where he’s staying now. He also asked me where was I from and if I’m staying in Stip. He said I didn’t have another choice but to travel, he was wrong. At the end, I felt like I should put my hand on the lower part of his back, yet decided to pass. However he did it to me, and I copied him. I caught up with Muriel, but we didn’t say anything to each other. So Andrea thought of her when she told me the colleagues from our group were “upped”. I sat in the second row, Muriel was in front of me. After she gave me the list I asked her if Emily’s gonna come to sit next to her, she was. Emily sat next to me.

On the practices I realised the] others practice Maths at home, I write my diary.

In the yard passed over Virginia without saying anything. There wasn’t what. I mean, I’d
rather chose another girl that I know, she is too unexplored to me.

punch-png-4I asked Thomas if he was leaving, he was. He wanted to go on broth, but I preferred to eat home. He wanted to punch me (whether I would withstand), I agreed, but I blinked when he was coming close. For him there was no reason to do it as I was a “good kid”. “Very good”. He’ll see how good I am. He’ll read.
-I can be bad if I want – I said.
-You can be better?
-Bad I can be.
-Be bad.
My death stare followed. He was surprised. When we arrived on the waiting area he pointed the bad me to Muriel and Emily. He said he had money to treat me for broth showing me the winning ticket from a betting shop (400 den.). I didn’t congratulate him. Ah, sins… He then wanted I to kick Emily. I agreed only if he tells her. He said it but she didn’t hear him. Muriel looked at him instead.
-To Muriel. – Thomas said.
There I was, I stood next to Muriel, I raised my left leg next to her knees and I gently kicked her.
-What did I do to you? – she protested.
-You didn’t do anything to me.
That was the problem. Nothing. She should have given me spirituality. Either Thomas either a friend of his told Muriel he made me do it, so she went after him and got physical. She said:
-I’m mad at you – to me and -I’m not mad at you – to Thomas.
-You aren’t a friend of mine anymore.
-Like I was until now.
I left her speechless. I do it very well. The bad me is cynical, you know.
-It he did that to me… – The other girl threw in.
-Are you gonna take mind from Thomas… Look how he’s looking at me – Emily was looking at me.
Well when you didn’t even try to take from you, I did what the others would do. In fact God has already given me mind and you should be thankful that I don’t judge you that you didn’t choose this way.

Muriel had gone aside speaking on the phone with who else but her family.

Their bus arrived, Thomas held his hand to greet me on what I call the female way, I gripped his hand the male way. The other guy greeted as well while Muriel just abruptly touched me (arm-back). I appreciated the signed, so I asked her “Are you mad at me?”.
-She’s mad at you ‘cos you didn’t kick her hard – Thomas said leavingly.

After all I’m interesting to these guys. They were looking me from the bus, and I became aware of it late. They mean to me. I believe they are going to see more of me in the role of the bad me. Not seriously, of course. I can be bad by great lengths, but regardless of what they (don’t) do, they come from God. I can still hate their and my sins. Yes, I succeeded in this target even though it was rough at the beginning. They saw me in my bad light, I even wished I’d escaped in monastery, but the real me won with God’s help. It’s not perfect, but I see they have accepted me. Analogically I could be accepted if I changed this way (Read: showed the real me) the senior year, yet I was patient preparing for something bigger.

Home, it was published in the group we aren’t having I.T. practices tomorrow. Last Friday the Electrotechnics assistant told us probably we won’t have Electrotechnics practices too, so it’s a day off.

Willy added me on Facebook.


Although we are not celebrating it, in my opinion there should be a Thanksgiving day in Macedonia.

I’m mostly thankful to God for His love and help to me. Compared to last year I’ve passed through the most changing period of my life. I socialised myself. I’m not gay anymore. I know the real values of religion. I love much more!

Thank you all.

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Wednesday 21.11.2012

Day of the tree – A day off.

stmichael-iconDad and I and grandma R. went to church on the occasion of St. Archangel Michael.

There weren’t limits anymore: A man cursed inside. Like he had come there to pay respect to one of his gods. Dad was telling me to pray for me (Theotokos to love me as she loves Jesus), I felt it selfish. Outside men were smoking and drinking rakija. When grandma told him that it is not smoked in church, he replied all the others smoke. It is not about what the others do, it’s about if it makes you closer to God. Just like they are polytheists. The church should be stricter about the smoking regulations, at least the ashtray should be removed. If they are doing stuff like that in church, what do they do at home?

Virginia Anning has accepted my Facebook offer.

At 8:09 p.m. I spotted Dave, Brian and A.B. passing. Even though I don’t have the same feelings for them now I missed a situation like that. They didn’t see me.

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Tuesday 20.11.2012

Late again, Andrea suggested me to enter on the pause, I accepted wanting it from before not because I was afraid of the professor, but because I didn’t want all the others to turn around and look at me.

On the pause, on the back door, Pete’s friend said to me “C’mon colleague” and Mike – “Nicky”. Inside, Andrea sat next to Harold, I sat two rows ahead. Benjamin went to see Andrea and called Harold “rabbit”. I was on his second plan, I mean in this case third plan, importantly I WAS. He read what did I write in my notebook (just what I turned around to rewrite from a colleague’s notebook) and we arranged he to give me his Math notebook on I.T. as we were sitting in different rows on opposite ends. I asked him if we were gonna have additional Maths later, he told me it was only for those with over 10 points. OK. It turned out two places next to me to be free, so I moved next to Nelson II.

On the second pause, the Kumanovo guy who was sitting in the row in front of me asked me again if I had a girlfriend. He offered the girl next to him, here known as the “Frozen in the face”. You can guess my answer: “Alrighty”. In his words she was single and ugly to which I said “what does she need”, btw: she is very much alike to Barbara, he wanted I to go out on coffee with her, but I said “Another time” as I was going to wait for the bus immediately. He asked me if I had her on FB, I told him I didn’t know her name, so we met each other: Virginia. I miss the meetings… the beginning… Christian asked me if I had a female friend for him, I said I didn’t. I have a “female friend”, but I don’t have one who would love someone that at the same time has a girlfriend. Yet I’m a Christian. I forgot to mention I had audience from behind.

Peter #4 came to salute with me but I (typically for me) didn’t know how to do it.
I made it even the third time, but I made it. It will be, just Sarah (c.) is not here to practice with her.

I.T. meant moving me in the first row to hear the professor. Sarah came and once again we discussed sitting in front, Marcus and I saluted each other, but I did it girly again. Benjamin was gone. Even Gulben moved behind to eat, I left alone in the first row. Alone. Where nobody belonged, so I moved in the second row next to Gulben who has bought bake-rolls-bbq-ger-copyBake Rolls Barbecue flavor. Muhammed had arrived and was sitting in the third row after a discussion with Mike who suggested me to sit next to Muhammed. Muhammed gave me 4 pieces of Bake Rolls Gulben have given to him likely because the barbecue was pork. I had previously taken 2 Bake Rolls in the 1st row from the colleague Steven who had taken all of them from Gulben. So, she eats pork and Christian again commented something for us two and said that Virginia may find another one. Benjamin came in with Thomas who clearly met him yesterday. Let it be. The active sinners SHOULD be together. I gesticulatively asked for his notebook, and he was probably talking about the distance. It didn’t happen. Of course, I could easily ask a notebook from Gulben, or better – from Nelson II before, but I wanted to see how much I mean to him. After this, it would be the best if “how much” is replaced with “whether”. My generous friend Gulben gave me her Math notebook by herself.

-Colleague he’s asking me what’s your name.
It was Gulben after speaking to Muhammed.
-Well tell him.
-I forgot your name too.
I smiled.
Someone wouldn’t forgive this.

Muriel asked me if I wanted a bonbon, as I was looking at her unwrapping it. No, I wasn’t looking that way because of it, I was looking to see how’s the situation going behind → Andrea and Nelson II. It would’ve been too obvious if I looked directly back, so…

On I.T. I got assured Munin was absent.

In the hall Muhammed and I were walking together, Benjamin joined us:
-Where are you brothers?
After AAAAALL, he was left alone.
-Am I your brother too? – I asked him.
Previously he didn’t act that way, I had a reason to ask. He left us. I realised “brothers” referred to Muhammed and I, not to us Benjamin and I.

Muhammed wanted me to go in a restaurant, but I went to wait for the bus.

In the bus, I refused to sit next to Andrea, choosing to sit behind, and she noticed it. Either act with me as it befits, either don’t act at all. Not to wonder later.

In Zlox, grandma D. reminded me I should have fasted today. Mum didn’t tell me to me in the morning when I asked her.

Dad had taken my bike to the garden. He said “Sorry for the bike”. Pathetic! “Sorry”? Just because I entered right after he did. I don’t understand that much? Well, I saw him after I went out of grandma’s, plus I know everytime he goes on the garden without the tractor, he uses my (in fact it wouldn’t be considered for mine anymore) bike. So if I don’t see, I don’t know?

I did feel sorry for him using my senior-year school bag, so after giving him deadlines few times I told mum who gave it to him without asking me to return it, but after I read that Bible says if it was taken from you, don’t ask back, I gave up. Though it’s material it has nostalgic meaning for me. I kept the part of the balloon that Ethan popped, which is now gone… … I rejected E. as a target, yet Dave hid that bag from me…

It has a meaning… I can’t be fourth year again, the bag would made me closer… At least that I can (come on could) have now… Let it be. I have more important things than that. My duty is to listen to God, He can give me and gives me, much more valuable things than material. Spiritualism. Instead of having something that would remind me on the mines, I can have them. All thanks to Him.

I feel sorry for dad. He doesn’t know the real values… By myself I know how it feels when something is given to me with love (so even if I don’t want it I’d take it), and how I fell for the things I took without permission… Despite that he “secretly” took my bike. He chose the materialism over me. But let it be… He lost his meaning to me a long time ago. If he adores gathering garbage, let him fell free… We know how those that gather garbage are called, just the others are paid for it…

Later, when the kids were passing, I went on the window to see them. Maggie waved me, I responded to her, and Elizabeth waving me showed with her hand that I’m crazy. Al and I saw each other… nothing. The deed is a proof: he is afraid of me for not accepting me on Facebook. His choice.

I offered a Facebook friend request to the new Virginia.

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Monday 19.11.2012

arsenal_fc-svgBefore I went to faculty I opened Facebook to see if there were any news from Al, there were: He had shared an Arsenal photo the previous day. Didn’t accept me. Let it be. I am able to check all about his profile via Sarah’s one. I can even chat with him. Now he just has less value to me. And I thought there was hope for him…

I wasn’t late on L.A. practices. Thomas asked a pen from me, but mine wasn’t “quality”. Muhammed arrived late with Christian.

After the practices, Muhammed invited me to go in a restaurant on tea, I accepted.

On the road I called him “bro” after he did. Finally news about his leaving: he’s finishing the first semester here. We went at a restaurant up from the faculty – perhaps it was Chardak. Thomas entered and after him Benjamin.
-Can we sit here?
Thomas asked and sat next to Muhammed, Benjamin said next to me.
-Is he your friend? – Thomas asked Muhammed about me.
Benjamin asked me to confirm, I showed sign with my head.

Thomas stood up and it was the ordering turn. Muhammed ordered rice and potatoes, Benjamin beef sth and I was indecisive with my restaurant inexperience.
-What do you want? – Benjamin asked me.
After the listing by the waiter, I said:
-It’s all the same to me. Chicken.

tumblr_m9j28gvcyP1qdei8m.jpgDave dragged himself as well and sat at the head. He ordered chicken too. It turned out those things to be broths and I thought it was about patties. Mine was given to Dave, but he returned me and asked me if it was good. When I tried it, it was like I didn’t know what I was putting in my mouth, but I got used to it and told Dave it was good.

During the course Benjamin was rambling to Thomas that he and his friends beat someone from senior year high school who previously showed them knife. They made him bleed and apparently went to hospital. What was that pride? And Thomas pretended to be interested. At least people who see the real me see me as I am, without attachments, without extractions. I looked at Benjamin, but of course, Thomas was more important to him. Muhammed wanted he to shut up, he went on. I didn’t eat bread (all the others did) 516iqicyeul-_ac_ul320_sr276320_having eaten croissants in the morning. Muhammed wanted more water and I called “Waiter”, but the man didn’t come. Muhammed and I went to pay our meals. It cost 120 denars for both of us: He treated me again even though I opposed. We couldn’t find the door, and the others at the table laughed at us. Although I could laugh at their naivety many times, I chose God.

On the road, Muhammed didn’t know to tell me if the place was “Chardak”.

He wanted we to go at UGD’s sweet shop, but it was too much for me. It would have been gluttony. Side note: Someone in my place would just use him for free food. Upstairs, lecture room 10 was busy, so in the faculty yard we stood at Mike and a girl. Her name was Alison and Mike introduced Muhammed as Goce Delchev, and Muhammed Mike – Goce Delchev 2. Andrea came from the hall and joined us. She returned, and a company gathered around Mike and Alison (read the returned from the restaurant). I was standing aside, but Muhammed who got very close to Thomas, wasn’t forgetting me. The three of us sat in the hall where Muhammed called Thomas “a problem” because he talked a lot. Muhammed (who was looking at girls) saw a Turkish female friend of his, I asked him what she was to him. Thomas asked me whether I thought she was his girlfriend (definitely not, I just didn’t want to get lost in the talk) and asked me if I want Muhammed to “set” her up to me. Finally I said something related to religion saying that I cannot love a Turk.
-Who filled your head with nonsense?
-I’ve heard so – I said.

On the way to lecture room 10, Derek Veach was looking at me. I told him “Hi”.

Upstairs, I sat next to Muhammed. The it girl asked if the 3 people she saw in Zendolino with Muhammed were his roommates. Gulben translate finished the job.

I asked Gulben if she worked somewhere as she’d written in the Facebook group she couldn’t come to the students’ party due to work. She told me she worked at Dr. Organdziski as a cleaner.

This Monday Thomas was throwing little chalks towards me. I liked it. At least somebody was interacting with me. Andrea said he was crazy and told me to stop placing myself, I said I didn’t have what to do. He managed to hit me above my mouth. Most of his tries were imprecise, but it was my readiness that mattered. He called me terminator-genisys-review“Terminator” and commented that I’m very strong. Well, I’m not as strong as I’m brave, but this is fine too. You know Who gives me the courage. I even dared to hold my mouth gaped when Thomas was “programming” me, but he missed. I didn’t blink until Muhammed put me his phone on my year to listen a Turkish song.

The Kumanovo guy was discussing dirty stuff with the reserved Nelson II and Andrea who directed him to ask me. He asked me if I want to record his and Andrea’s “movie” even though “you won’t get it up, but let it be”. I looked aside and smiled as a confirmation to the said (how did he know?) because no one dared to say to me that in face and I accepted asking him to give me a camera. He called me to shoot it, to which I said they should make a rehearsal first, then the professor entered.

After Linear Muhammed stayed to ask why he was gone in the list, I was walking alone, but eventually Mike, Thomas and Alison joined me. Thomas asked me who’s stronger between me and him, I said I, but surrendered when he suggested to do arm wrestling with him. arm-wrestling-clipart-cvfkcm-clipartThomas asked me if I wanted to go in heaven or hell and told me I should run 3 steps for heaven. Andrea who reached me hesitated whether to go on B.P. practices with our group, then returned back. Mike and Thomas discussed football, I walked in line with Alison. I didn’t go on B.P. with them saying I had appointed.

At F.E.S. Munin and I greeted each other. The assistant asked me how many points did I have B.P..

On the way out I passed besides Sarah who turned on the other side instead of looking at me. So she’s avoiding me… It’s known how things go with me: One sign and you are done. If you don’t want me, you won’t have me.

Outside, after I raced out Monique (“What are you doing?”), I hurried to arrive on my first potential blind date. I was where I met Milo at almost 15:20, they were gone. Was I late? Nevertheless I kept walking. An old man coming from the opposite side of the street was looking at me. Milo with beard? He was protesting against the sound from the car – like crying. It wasn’t my acquaintance. I turned another circle – they were gone. What happened:
A. I was too late?
B. They forgot
C. The girl was absent to school
D. She isn’t interested in me after my unpreparedness for sex
E. She had already found sexier (Perhaps Milo!)
F. Milo was the satan

In Preevytip I had arranged with mum to dentist. After the tooth repair mum and I saw my ex-French professor Joe, Andy shook hands with him.

About the day, while Muhammed was with others – Thomas or Mike, I consoled myself: No matter how much he talks to the others, for him I’ll always be “very good”. Like Adele’s post about the money: No matter how much it bends, gets dirty, starts ripping, it has a value. Jesus Christ is God on Earth and on the sky and on the cross.

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17.11.2012, 18.11.2012

Saturday 17.11.2012

Dave had offered me friendship on Facebook. So he is more or less honest with me.

I had surprising guests: aunt Delia, Billy and Dominic. They were thinking whether to call me at first, but decided to come anyway as they haven’t come since long time ago. Great. They are letting me know that they know that they mean to me. Aunt Delia was interested about me and the faculty giving me nice pieces of advice. After hearing my colloquium results, she noted that some students used to constantly getting A’s in high school find it hard. It’s not the case with me. In high school at the beginning my only purpose were the excellent grades, I signed to faculty because of socialization. And I’m succeeding!

In the evening grandma D. was asking me about my hanging outs on the faculty:
-Are you closer to males of females?
-I’m not telling you. What do you think? Who am I closer to?
-I think you hang out with the one that you have met…
Meaning Vanessa.
I told her something is happening to me, but that I would reveal to her when the time comes.
-And is it good?
-Well when I’m happier, it means it’s good.
She assumed it was about a lover or a crush. Just a crush? This is not high school. Btw Monday was coming close.
-It’s good.

Others dare to offer me Facebook friendship, I finally clicked “Add friend” to Albert Timpson – Al.


Sunday 18.11.2012

I walked with grandad.

Al haven’t accepted me yet, neither has posted anything on his profile.

Thought of the day: Sometimes I forget other people’s faces, but they NEVER forget ME.

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Friday 16.11.2012

As the bus was late again, I arrived just after the I.T. assistant opened the door to my group and Nelson I. He thinks he can impose wherever, whenever he wants. Doesn’t he realise he’s more than boring?

I said “Good morning” to the dark haired colleague from B.P. and sat on the closest place available to the place I used to sit. After a while, Benjamin joined us too. His first chosen computer wasn’t working, so he liked it or not he sat next to me. I looked at him, he asked me where was I and I asked him why with our group, he replied not to wait and asked if we signed. I learned he started to make his Math project (seminar work), group 8.

Lesson: HTML tables.

Benjamin whispered sth, I turned towards him, but it was addressed to Nelson I.

Held more than ever, on the way out after we said nothing with Reis, I spotted our it girl saluting somebody, I intentionally touched her back, she turned towards me and we Hied each other high fiving. We were seen by the one from Berovo (of course laughing) and probably Marcus. The Kumanovo guy asked me about my B.P. points and said “Didn’t you do nothing?”… “Me 0”. In the hall Benjamin was standing and resumed walking with me. He didn’t know where was he going, but he joined some guy.

Near the exit, Peter – Mines 2 asked me where was I and hesitated to do an act with his hand. In the yard, I sat on a bench. Alone. A group of colleagues from my group were gathered not far from me. I turned on the other side. I could hear some of their words. One was main – Peter #4, and the others gravitated towards him. They were scratching. Maybe some day they’ll hit something. I go to a certain gain: God. Those who understand gambling as sin, understand.

At least when I talk to others, I act like a real human. I’m that way. All or nothing.

If last year the “stickers” were Ethan and Derek P., now their producer’s company is more generous. I have a feeling there will be duplicates… That will pass too…

They weren’t talking about me. Then they got quiet, and then…
It reminded me a lot on Ducky. It was Peter – #4.
-Come here.
I hesitated.
-Come here. Why have you sat there alone?
I went towards them.
-Well, where should I go?
-Well, come with us, sit. Make a room for him. Sit…
I hesitated, but sat. I changed my mind to sit.
-Why are you pensive? Is some girl bothering you?
Why Benjamin didn’t ask me that? But I smiled to him…

Surprisingly Vanessa who this time seemed friendly, said to me:
-In Stip there are beautiful girls.
There it was… Our first verbal contact since the start.
Ooou, I hope it wasn’t pride.
She was courageous, so I remarked our moment:

Peter asked me if I drink alcohol and Vanessa’s faculty male best friend wanted to know if I smoke. Don’t I look like a Christian to you? Then he asked me:
-And do you go for girls?
Wait, I transformed even too much this year. But I’m just getting started.

Peter threw in that one girl has disappointed me and that I think about her all the time. No, you (I mean like a group, not individual) were the reason for my reservedness. Guys, you were showing your (in)humanity from the beginning, how do you expect to act in front of you? You think I smile all the time? I smile when I feel spirituality fulfilled, something most of you failed to give. Didn’t you realise it was a test? Were you so narrow minded, that you couldn’t relate my introversion to the religion? It is a fact that I am better accepted from the first group. Logically, I’ll keep my energy for those who truly accept me and respect me. Not that I don’t have it enough, I’m just doing what the real persons deserve – the best of me. Those who tried me know.

…They were interested in my colloquium results. The frozen-in-the-face girl (I don’t push limits here, she has left me such impression) commented that I have written the most Internet Technologies, Peter stated I have passed.

Distancing from my subject, it was Mike’s turn. He was absent this day, but present on this world since 1985!

Yes, Peter revealed Mike started studying Computer Science with his generation, dropped it and later decided to return as his parents pushed him, but this was his choice. Someone added he should have been married by now and have kids, Peter imitated him.

So that’s why I noticed too much maturity in his voice. Curiously, his year of birth was hidden on Facebook.

Vanessa wanted to know why the Electrotechnics professor let us re-write the previous day. “Because he is going to fuck us up later on the exam?” Obviously she hasn’t chosen the religious way. And that’s the best version of her? Laughing?

1_After I mistakingly took the second floor hall, Peter #4 told me we won’t have Electrotechnics where we used to as the computers were covered with oilcloths.

Peter – mines 2 passed in the hall in front of me, I didn’t warn him about the lecture room situation and I felt kind of guilty. When he returned Thomas had come and asked me:
-Do you play sport tickets?
Like for the interest.
-Аа, he does, he does. – said a member from Mines 2.
-I don’t. – I was telling the truth.
Thomas offered to tell me a ticket carrying big gain, I wasn’t interested. If I’m already earning money, I want it to be the honest way, with effort as a real Christian should do.

Plus if he was certain, he would take those money. I believe I made impression that the bets have disappointed me.

Nelson I asked me “How’s it?”.

After all, the assistant decided to hold practices in lecture room 12 removing the oilcloths. I sat in the fourth row, Peter #4 sat next to me, Benjamin was in front of me.

The assistant wasn’t generally satisfied by the colloquium, which is good for me, at least there are other weak ones.

It was time we to be given the seminar work’s subjects in groups of 3. Of course, I was alone, nobody asked me. We were allowed to merge with the other group depending on our geographical vicinity, so I hoped Andrea would pick me on their practices. Nelson I, Nelson II (who was absent) and Benjamin formed a group, although I would say that Benjamin and Tim would be together. On his way back Nelson I stopped and was looking at me. I said:
-Nelson… (I named him for the first time)
-Will you go by taxi?
Benjamin interrupted our moment and Nelson joined him. Now I have a higher opinion for Nelson and no longer see him as enemy, for now it’ll be like for Andrea – a friendly person, but active sinner.

I went forward where everyone who stayed was. Without a group. Dave didn’t have one too.
-Do you want you and I to make it together? – It was Thomas.
-I want to.
Dave asked if it’s possible to be two in a group, Thomas added him with us.

Once again Thomas didn’t reveal his place of living saying he lives behind mountains. His only assignment would be burning the CD. It wouldn’t be all the same to Andrea…

We arranged to communicate via Facebook, he added I don’t log on FB, I admitted it was because an ex-classmate of mine bothers me. I have already put to appear offline to her, but if I put myself online to others, I’d feel guilty, so… I told him her name was Barbara, but didn’t tell him what she writes to me as I couldn’t remember. Thomas sexually connected us, and I became interesting to the fat Nick. He asked me about my name and my place of living. Meanwhile, Thomas was talking on his phone.
-To write me, you and Tailor…
What? Behind my back!?

After his chat I told him what I had planned:
-Are you fucking me up?
-I’m not fucking you up.
-Well what were you talking on the phone? Are you in group with others?

To short it, he didn’t admit, but he did write he, Tim and Tailor on the list.
-Are you mad at me?
-OK. (I was smiling, it’s not worth to understand it seriously) OK.
I went back to my place, took my jacket and the bag and came forward again.
-Are you mad at me?
So I mean to him. Experience has shown me that you literary ALWAYS come back to me, just as you will come back to GOD.
-Are you mad at me?
It indicated I didn’t feel anything about him, I forgot I should have felt love.
-A little?
You think I didn’t remember that answer? But I forgive, I am not mad at anyone.
-Don’t be mad at me.
Thomas, people who know me well, know I’m ready to do far more dangerous things than being mad. You don’t want me to be your enemy, believe me. You are not afraid from God, so I can easily make you be afraid from me. Ya think you can play with me? What would Boki 13 say: “Hahahah”. Even on deed I see that you love the hell, but this is a shame even for the devil. At least he is generous towards people he wants to attract to him. Your action wasn’t supernatural at all. It was crazy.  See ya on the judgment day.

-I’ll pick my Zlox girl, Andrea. I’ll be with her.
He thinks he was my last choice?
It is underestimation, but of course from that kind of person it has no significance for me.

Dave asked me if he can be in our group, I let him. I called Andrea, she accepted. When you need your ex-enemy…

Dave wrote us in, the assistant gave us the subject “Principle of operation and construction of a speaker”. Leaving together Dave told he had material from a last year book of his. I asked him about the school subject, with effort he remembered it was “Digital logic…”… Yes, the one he took for matura, from his previous chat with Muriel I found out that he failed a subject. Math? Of course, he offered himself to prove that he can contribute, that’s how those people function.

Muriel asked us which subject do we have, Dave answered. He asked me where will I go. He left with his car.

I called Andrea again to tell her about Dave and she to write her index number. Btw I learnt she was at Tara’s apartment, and not becoming spiritually closer to some colleagues.

After my walk, I went on the waiting area.

Christian and Benjamin were coming, they stood by the taxi Nelson I was in. Then it was my turn. Christian grumbled that we have finished earlier (“fuck your mother”), Benjamin joined me, saying to the Kumanovo guy he’s coming this weekend in Kumanovo. They were exchanging their numbers when my bus arrived. Let it be. Let them have each other. God and I have each other.

I felt bad for my f-word utterance, but In the taxi, the front passenger and the driver were cursing. It was in a sexual sense and they didn’t regret. Terrence (Terry) and I were sitting at the back seat. He surprisingly asked me what I study and what subjects I learn. I didn’t ask him anything, like I didn’t ask the previous Nick as it looked like ass-licking to me cause if they didn’t say anything to me, I wouldn’t interact with them either.

Home, I realised that I don’t see #2 these days at all, so he has likely given up his studies. And as I see Thomas isn’t a person who would stick to Dave all the time. A shake-up?

Mike was gone too. Has he given up again after his zero B.P.?

Muhammed is leaving, Ethan has dropped, who would say the departing would happen so soon?

A thing isn’t a thing without Nick’s fingers mixed in it – finally: The reason for the bus picking up the mines earlier revealed. In front of my house Monique Bickey was telling to a woman about the overcrowding in the bus, apparently she stood next to the door, and next to her there were other children too, so she went at the principal to rebel. The next day the bus arrived at 6:50 and waited for the rest of the students to come.

Mum told me Monique’s sister, Sandra, my ex-classmate, went abroad and got married!

Barbara waved me from a car returning from George and Georgia’s birthday.

M. came and told me Derek P. left on military.

According to M., Ethan didn’t leave faculty as he saw him coming out of the bus the same day. It doesn’t hint anything to me. Perhaps Ethan went to take his documents.

Mum and I later went at grandma’s, I was in the mood, full of spirituality.

Back home Muhammed wrote to me on Facebook and asked me why didn’t I go to faculty the day. I told him his results. They are weak, but meaningless if he leaves to Turkey soon. At the end I called him “bro”. It was the first time I addressed somebody that way.

Nice continuity day.

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