01.12.2012, 02.12.2012

Saturday 01.12.2012

I woke up early. The thought of escaping to a monastery returned to me. I prayed to be better, mum told me a counselor spoke on Sitel TV about the happiness. We should go on after our failures.

Why the big bad events must happen before weekends? After my shame with Adele I explained how it all started, there’s no need now, you know it.

After the winter’s event, I noted every contact with Adele, will it be that way with the colleagues too?

When I was shaken after the quiz, I thought that my chest hurt, now I know that the pain came from my heart. It was constantly present, fortunately it was smaller than the one in January. It was because I knew she is worth, for the present colleagues I’m not sure at all. I wished at least Dave not to have been there. Dave and Nelson, OK, and Muriel with Thomas were the only audience that I considered for friends. The big plus side: I was seen by less than a quarter of all the colleagues (with Business Computer Studies). I maintain that I’m closer and more accepted by the first group. Even without that my opinions about Dave and Nelson II were falling. I know Dave would gossip to his friends… ooops friend (Thomas) that I’m crazy, but he would do that because he’s lost i.e. doesn’t have own self and for his opinion must consult someone else. With an uncertain exception, Dave has never called me by name. Anyway he won’t detach from me quickly: we are together Electrotechnics. I must say nobody, except Thomas from the present ones had a friendly relationship towards me as it should be. What do I lack for Nelson II to surrender to Dave? Do the ignorings from Muriel’s side can be called friendship? And the others, instead after my difficult past to be forthcoming, they got distanced from me if they were ever showing signs of closeness.

I chose to hide my father’s mistakes, forcibly my genitals served for somebody’s fun, I laid in hospital twice, I antisocialised, I got disappointed from love, I admitted I was gay, I presented a private quiz to a married professor I fell in love with… this is just another shame of mine… And what else could be expected from me?

How was I supposed to act after this? Why didn’t I stop myself choosing God? How could I even think the whole situation to be more important to me than His principles? Why didn’t I surrender to him? Simply, I didn’t know to make decisions properly. Yes, well I hid my Christianity from them, and the devil attacked me right there…

When I confessed to my first love about my sexuality she told me to choose one: either homo either hetero, not bi. Unfortunately I practiced partial Christianity. What if I had chosen the devil? If I didn’t have money I’d have sex, if I didn’t have sex, I’d have evil… They make worse sins than mine, but none of them experiences this…  I thought I’d chosen spirituality, but I didn’t stay consistent…

I wanted to give up, like I didn’t feel anything… I was on the edge of falling in depression… But no, I wasn’t allowing Satan to succeed in his plan.

My latest shame perhaps was closer to my coming out than to my impoliteness with Lady Adele. On 02.02.2011 I didn’t admit in front of everyone, and after that day there was only one comment about the event. After all, I still am Nick Paulson. I underestimated myself, I almost never act without a plan. I forgot to lean on my strongest trumps: the diary and the religion. They think they know me now? I’m just getting started. Two months for me were enough to create opinion about them. Whatever they talk about me, the deeds prove that now they have greater respect towards me at least in my presence and I can recognise whether it’s hypocrisy. If I want I can predict what they consider me like, using supernatural power. You are familiar with my guessing about Miranda’s lottery, and I’m telling you that that way I busted the classmate in the first year for blaming me to Brenda. You don’t believe me? Someone had snitched me in order the president of the class Brenda to complain to the head teacher again for my notes of their talks in my notebooks. I wished I dreamt the responsible person on my next sleeping. It didn’t happened on my nap that day, but the next morning in a dream I saw a short smiling girl sitting in front of the board. “Don’t you know her?” – a voice was asking me. I thought it was Mary according to the hairstyle, but later when I woke up I realised she was blond: Denise. It made sense, she was sitting behind me. I asked Brenda, she confirmed. Denise. You don’t know who you are messing with. Of course, I choose Christianity that forbids fortune telling, but if I lose control…

Whatever they do, they can’t hit my soul. So, feel free to attack.

It was Dave(colleague)’s  birthday, but he had hidden it on Facebook. Probably not to treat. And then I’m crazy?

In the evening from the window I saw Brian walking with someone. That someone was probably his cousin Dave (from the mines). He was smoking. I believe he’s not afraid to do it in public now as he’s 18.

I never wrote that Sarah (c.) saw Brian smoking by their school and he’d published a Facebook picture related to smoking earlier.

Btw Andrea called me to ask me if I knew the number of the Preevytip bus station. Wanted some people to admit or not, I mean to someone. As long as people I love the most, the priest and God love me, I won’t give up, regardless of how bad I feel.

 

Sunday 02.12.2012

Rain.

I felt a bit better.

Everything has a plus side, right?

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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