Friday 30.11.2012

Once upon a time there was an antisocial teenager with huge desire to find friends. He cried and wept and sobbed, waiting for the perfect moment. He went to college hoping that the real him will make a real explosion there, but of course the problems always complicated his target. After a series of ups and downs, in all that sorrow he finally found courage to open to a colleague of his. And the long announced explosion just hasn’t happened… Today…

Andrea told me she planned to go on practices with our group. I realised the reason she opened the door first when I saw Trevor and Benjamin in the hall: had seen ‘em from the glass.
-What are you waiting for? – she asked them. I remember she told me she had million friends. Well, the quality, not quantity matters.
-He didn’t let us. Only from the second group. Nicky you go. – Of course, Benjamin answered.
Ooo, finally. The assistant respects the group regulation. I wondered how didn’t I see Nelson I.

On I.T. practices I sat on the last place in the row I always sit.

On the way out, Reis entered first and we just looked each other. I shook hands with Muhammed. Finally guessed the hand salute with the Kumanovo guy the correct way.

On the stairs, Dave who was walking with Nelson (surprise!) asked me what happened with our Electrotechnics seminar work. I told him to bring the material that he finds. Nelson II and him decided to wait in the hall, I decided to join them instead of my typical walk. Thomas came and wanted to treat us broth, we refused. I like that he looked at me. It was strange to me that Nelson II and Dave were close. I was sitting next to Nelson but he was more eager to share his thoughts with him than with me. Why? I mean, when did those two met? I tried to ask Nelson some questions (do you study, where is Nelson I → to a check-up, what will you go home with), but most obviously there already existed a certain stereotype about me. They both preferred to be quiet than to talk, you know I’m a very active person. OK you two stick together, I’mma take Thomas.

Btw, I finally learnt where Chardak was hearing Thomas confirming to Dave. So, I already went there. Students from the first group were passing: Tim (nothing), Gulben (“Did you finish?”), Marcus (nothing), Scotty (shook hands). Thomas returned, and before him next to me sat the vulgar twin with a friend of his. Finally, 2nd Nelson’s sexuality is no longer under question mark: the previous day I explored him on Facebook: he’d put pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo and now he showed his betting ticket to Thomas, and previously to Dave as well. Football again. Like it’s chasing me my whole life. Apparently it has never been “out” I was only out of it. At least I had Dave in the silence about the subject. They were discussing whether or not the betting shops earn a lot of money, Thomas claimed that he would make a big win if he would go to a fortune teller, to which Dave grumbled. These are lost souls and their god is different from the Mine. How does it make them happy?Cristiano_Ronaldo_2012

Thomas included me in their chat asking me if I knew Barcelona players and whether I knew Ronaldo. I answered “A bit” meaning that I could only list few of them, but he understood that I knew Ronaldo a bit. How wouldn’t I know him? Ethan was obsessed with him. Thomas called us to go and I was the first who made the decision to stand. Thomas went to “pee” and upstairs, I sat behind, Dave and Nelson went forward, and Thomas joined them.

It was very boring in our group after the it girl left us. Nothing was happening, only Thomas was breaking the monotony. Somebody asked Dave who he was in group with Electrotechnics, he didn’t know Andrea’s name, Emily heard me as “Andy”. Thomas started ordering me.
-Nick be bad.
I was bad.
-Be good.
I smiled.
-Be good.
I attracted Muriel’s attention.
-Be bad.
The girl in front of me looked at me. The others were quieted down.
-Be good. Smile.
My acting abilities came to expression. If only they were appreciated. …
-Be bad. (Muriel got scared and ran away) Smile. Be bad.
I obeyed him, but I wasn’t a child to continue the game. I had to stop as all the others were completely quiet:
-Be good.
-I don’t wanna be.
Why exactly while I was “bad” that idea came to me?
-Why?
Who were you to obey your orders?
But, you know me, I couldn’t say it. After all I love people. I’d rather victimise myself than blame others. That’s what God taught me. The time was short, a possible answer had already occurred to me, everyone was focused on me, so I had to act fast. Unfortunately, the impatience meant unchristianity:
-Because I don’t have use if I’m good.
What? Since when do I live out of use? It wasn’t the real me, neither the fake one, this version of me just wanted to play their game better than them. Did I win?

Frankly, the scenes that followed made this day my craziest day on faculty so far. So crazy that it’s like in a dream to me. The present ones remember it better than me. It was similar with the prom. Just that was too good, and this too…

-Why did you kick Muriel?
I don’t remember the answer. Perhaps that wasn’t even the question. Finally, I had the spotlight, it wasn’t typical for me, I didn’t feel myself.

Thomas was asking me questions, I was giving him strong answers. I was defending myself, wouldn’t you do the same? I don’t remember for what, but I told him “Let Muriel tell you”, and William commented how I responded to him, “strong happening”. “Happening?” I’m just getting started.

Soon, I wasn’t in my evil mood, smiling sometimes. I remember this: He asked me something touching the bottom of his head. What? I was supposed in front of everyone to admit I don’t shave?
-What?
-Have you taken rope to kill yourself?
Guess the answer.
-I haven’t with a rope, with something else.
In the crazy moment I put down my right arm sleeve. I showed my cut I made because of Barbara two years ago. They were probably surprised.

I never tried to take my life, it was a lie. But they deserved it, they were fake, without having own self, just blind audience i.e. my slaves in a subconscious way. They made me a star.

I couldn’t refrain myself and even remember that I lied and what actually the lie meant.

Imagine, that wasn’t enough either, I wanted more. You know me: nothing or all. I chose the latter: I stood up and went to the place I deserve, yet they subjugated in front of me, I sat on the front desk. I guess from Vanessa’s best friend I heard: Terminator. So, they are so powerless…
-Ask me what you want.
I took a decisive attitude crossing my arms and expected action from Thomas.
-What to ask you… I don’t have what to ask.
Did the fear of me reached its top?

He urged me to show him my hands, there wasn’t what to be ashamed of, I don’t masturbate so that there would be white lines. He called me “village mutt”, and I responded to him he’s from village too. Have I ever been more humiliated in life than then?

Yes, because I didn’t consider these (whatever they are) as real persons. Well, they were doing it for ridicule.

I went on the heating, and Thomas was throwing chalks at me again. I gave my glasses to Sandra who previously asked me where was I from. Muriel commented to Thomas that he was gonna break my glasses. Girl, if you wanna talk about materialism so much, let’s talk about your financial situation. And my glasses are unbreakable, but of course, for df-finger-safe-socket-250x250you are unaffordable. Thomas wanted to know if I had ever put my finger in a socket, no. He went to Muriel interested on Facebook on her phone and invited me to explain her why I did what I did. I sat next to her.
-Don’t touch her. Just don’t touch her. – Thomas warned me, but having lost control, I didn’t process his words. I grabbed her arm.
-Do you want me to be good or bad? – I was sincere with her.
-Aaa, “bad”! – she escaped to the first desk.
-I told you, “don’t touch her”.
But that Nick wasn’t hearing you.

Something WAS happening. If I’d chosen to kick Emily I know I’d have finished fast.

–                                             …
I can’t remember her exact sentence, but she said that I shouldn’t beat with a girl. What kind of example did my father give me?

I pretended not to hear her, just to think what to say.
-What?
Now she pretended like she didn’t hear me, but I know what she said.

Btw: Do you believe you’re reading this?

Thomas as my friend wanted to know why I kicked her. I went to Muriel.
-Muriel! Muriel! Look at me!
She looked at me.
-Do you want me to tell you why I kicked you?
-Why?
-No offence, but I wanted us to be friends and you were “upped”.
-What?
-Upped.
-What?
Presumably she couldn’t hear due to the explosive comments of the explosive me.
-You were making yourself important.
-Ааа.
-And I wanted somehow we to get close.
I used more visual words, which she related in a romantic sense, the smile gave her away.
-And that’s why you kicked me.
-Yeah.

How much could I be trusted? Was it the truth? I kicked a girl just to prove Thomas I “had balls”, but I chose Muriel (not Emily) simply because such things were closer to her. Just because she was more active, more jokes-happy. I told her the truth?

The colleagues were coming in companies. There was someone from my group who didn’t see my stupidities. Who saw them: Muriel, Emily, Sandra, William, Vanessa’s best friend, Ashley and her closest colleague, one twin (thank God), Monique (sorry…), Vanessa as I can recall, Nelson II, Dave and of course, Thomas. Who entered après? Diana, Virginia, probably Peter, some of the Mines 2…

-Is she your friend now?
It’s noticeable Thomas doesn’t use names frequently. At what kind of level is his communication with people?
-Ask her.
But Muriel was bent.
-I’m asking you.
-We are.
-Do you see? You were friends he says. (Addressed to Muriel.) Are you afraid of him?
-Of who?
-Of him. – showing me the one of the Mines 2 that I consider for a hybrid between Derek V. and Rob.
-Of him?
-Of him.
-No.

It occurred to me:
-You made me outgoing, I should thank you.
-Well, see what I do.
-Really. Bravo. Thanks.

-How many friends do you have now?
Don’t you think it would be better if you asked me how many I don’t?
-Let me count them.
I was getting ready.
-C’mon listen.
I saw Pete coming from the door. I was relieved. At least he was spared from my shame. He IS worth, I’m sure.

Muriel went back to her place, Thomas stood up, I asked him:
-Did the professor come?
-No, but he’s coming.

The show was over. And I just wanted to classify them… When I returned too, I noticed that Diana had sat next to me. I was not alone.

-Am I your friend?
It was Ashley from Kochani turned around.
-You are my friend.
We did a high five.
-Colleague and am I your friend?
-You are my friend.
High five again.

Finally I made them clear it’s better to have me as their friend, not enemy.

-Nick, why are they eating your dick?
The twin from behind asked me.

Ooo, so I was popular. A lot. Did I become like Andy?
-Why are they eating my… dick?

I didn’t understand immediately what was the question and as you see I wasn’t shy to pronounce an already said word.

He smiled, he was shy from me!
-Yes.
-They aren’t eatin’ it.
…Whatever it meant.

The professor had entered and I was smiling and I just didn’t care that the assistant could see it. I was happy. At that moment I was sure I succeeded in my target – the reason I came there. I was supposed to start with my next target. But the things were far from perfect. As I was losing myself in the exercises I didn’t understand, I began to realise that I embarrassed myself. Yet, I didn’t regret that I became outgoing, but for the way I did it.

I left the room alone. Again. In the hall, I saw Gulben and Andrea sitting together speaking to a colleague. Further, I passed over Thomas and Tim. They were fighting.
-Come. Come too. To help me. Are you my friend or his?
It was Thomas, but it wasn’t the me from before. I knew my mistake. I knew I seemed crazy for more than 90% of the present ones. The real me didn’t go, just looked at them. I can’t say I considered Tim for a human to fight… I mean play with him. Except that, now I was aware that physical violence is a sin. This time I obeyed myself.

On the stairs, Thomas wanted to know the reason I did that on my arm. I told him it was because of Barbara that annoys me.

They got down after me and stayed in the hall. I saw Benjamin at the door and asked him where he was going.

On the road I managed to reach my colleagues William, a girl and surprisingly Ergin who smiled to me, standing with a colleague. I almost reached Peter who later joined the girls including Virginia. I thought they’d turn around to call me, they acted like they didn’t know me. All of them entered in a clothes shop (although Peter didn’t want), I kept walking to copy the new Electrotechnics exercises. On the way back, I met Thomas, Tim and Benjamin. Thomas asked me where have I been. On the road I met the short brown guy (who stretched arm to me, then touched me) and Tailor (“Hello”) as well. I was impatient. In the bus, I had subconsciously spread my legs. I felt outgoing. I felt unrest. Just like after the professor Adele saw the quiz last, I mean this year. No position suited me. What further? It will never be the same anymore. I wanted this, but after the event like that part of me died. A mistake again. Why the distance between my mistakes has to be approximately one year? Did the devil finally had me?

I couldn’t calm down at home either. I wasn’t OK. I felt a burden for which my greatest consolation was knowing that it will pass, but when? At least the event was in the past. What else wasn’t there?

I shared with mum the discontent after the quiz, I shared with Sarah the grief from my irascibility. On Facebook I explained to her what I could recall that happened adding my perspective. What could I do? What kind of words I didn’t use in my diary describing them and my incompliance with them? I tremendously repressed my feelings, but they existed. Waiting for a particular moment. And they poured without asking me for it. But neither I asked for permission before. They were just paying me back. It had to happen, it’s better that it happened earlier. You know that by nature I am very vivid. Life taught me to be like that. Would I be more satisfied if my day stayed to that that Nelson II is closer to Dave? I wanted Thomas and I got him in express time, but was they way right? Sarah didn’t know what to say to me. She thought they won’t hang me out again as they have called me “insane” – Albert’s word from the previous day. What struck me the most was when she asked me “Did you try these two months for nothing?” I was making effort for more than two months, but was I happy with the results? I can say that they were very shaky. It was going well, then I experienced the worst week, the things were improving, I accepted I have achieved my designated target, then I realised that I was wrong, then someone gave me hope and… boom!

I don’t know how to describe this, but I know that there will be consequences. Was I happy those two months? I would say yes, yet the others were much more successful than me in what I set in front of me, although they weren’t there for it. The colleagues that accepted me, loved me mostly out of pity not because of what I was! Who would want that? Why wasn’t I equal if I could be equal? How did I expect them to accept me when I didn’t accept myself? Thomas’s words on the stairs “Be good” mean a lot to me. Nobody supports me 100%, at least he had courage to stick it to my face. Even someone who isn’t fond of philosophy would agree with the good old “I’d rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I’m not”. The question is: Was I what I am?

My outburst simply had to happen. They were unserious with me (Marcus), gossiped me (“Untweezed eyebrows”; “The insane one”), judged me (Boki 13)… I am a human… I had to act! I acted very humanly considering my repressions, they can be happy I didn’t do massive murders. I’m sure that the psychiatrists would approve this, would God understand me?

I just desperately wanted to show them I was one of them: normal. Maybe I just wanted to compensate… Much more frequently they saw me alone than with any other.

I needed them… After all, I’m just a human… After 12 years of intensive studying, swotting became boredom to me, I had to try something new, wouldn’t they?

The present ones consider me to be crazy, but what did they consider me to be before? When I was already such in their eyes, I decided to make it with style, not for anything else, some won’t understand the word until they see God.

It’s pretty understandable what I did, considering my past. They haven’t gone through the same so that they can talk…

On my craziest, most important to date and definitely most explosive day, happy news reached me: Adele is pregnant! It’s not for sure, but it’s a logical assumption of Sarah’s as an explication why another professor will teach them Entrepreneurship because of Adele’s absence. At least the others are happy so I can always be truly happy for them.

On Facebook I saw Virginia went to some square pub with Peter and two friends. They don’t need to boast that they gossip me.From_the_Bottom_of_My_Broken_Heart

I tried to calm myself down listening to Britney Spears’s “From the bottom of my broken heart”. It worked partially, but briefly.

During my lunch downstairs, I saw Al (extended Mines) from the window and I removed the curtain. He saw me, but seriously turned his head away. No waving, no smile. It’s official, I’m no longer his buddy. If he wants so, OK. As soon as he saw I’m normal and wanted his friendship, he got scared of me.

At 15:56, I shared on Ni Ck:

“Finally my long awaited explosion HAPPENED!!!
I am as I am, yet you are afraid of me.
I know I am your number 1 subject when I’m not in your presence, but you don’t have the courage to tell my shortcomings in eyes!
I know it’s not the same to you when you see me, and I excellently noticed that your opinion about me from the beginning until now has been changed SEVERAL times!
And while I only become more experienced and more experienced, you continue to explore me, i.e. you increase my popularity by great lengths.
And yes, I sometimes forget names and faces, but the others NEVER forget me, and as I see I’m the best advertisement for Zlox too.
Don’t forget: You will NEVER be able to forget me.
To you money, popularity and the bodily pleasures were your gods, don’t think that you will remain unpunished for it.
Understand for once: You are being tested!!!
But come on…
Obviously you don’t know who you are messing with. As things are going, you will lose in your own game.
Those who truly know me, will understand.
I’D RATHER BE HATED FOR WHAT I AM THAN LOVED FOR WHAT I’M NOT.
P.S. If I’m already crazy, at least let it be with STYLE.”

I didn’t consider myself to be crazy at the moment, but I considered that I used to be crazy.

After all, they were giving me significance like to one of their gods.

In the evening mum was crying on the phone again. Dad called her and she hung. As I could hear, she forgot to turn off some device, probably the heater. She defended herself that she wasn’t the only one responsible while dad wanted to call somebody.

When it comes to the last time, I learnt her colleague Mary left the job, then returned.

In my opinion, I don’t like the female doctor, however people should fight for themselves. It’s the employees mistake for allowing to get frustrated receiving so low salary. They are continuing, afraid of some imaginary authority in their head. Is there hope that they’ll ever grow up?

At 23:28, another status from Ni followed:

“I don’t care… Now I have a much clearer picture of who is who. You think you are ideal? Think again…
No matter how much you change your opinion about me, whatever it is like, no matter how much more sinful you become in front of God, there will always be people who love me, not because of my parents or out of use, but because WHAT I TRULY AM.
Even if I’m the most disappointed, I will always be happy for the happiness of those who mean to me.
I know well what you gossip me and you know what? I feel sorry for you… What I do, is not clear to you, and be certain that one day you will be ashamed of me.
Before judging, find out the truth first, you aren’t always right.
The solution is only one: GOD. Instead of wasting your time competing who will describe me with the sharpest word, seek the answers in the religion.
I AM NOT AFRAID FROM YOU, BUT FROM GOD!!!”

I was broken from inside, but it’s words that matter to them. I didn’t know whether I was crazy or not, I just knew I needed HELP…

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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