Wednesday 28.11.2012

I went to faculty without bag.

We were late again, this time the Kumanovo guy greeted with us the door. I did it the girly way again.

Andrea sat next to me in the fourth row, then she went to Tailor. I intended to ask Nelson II if the list had passed, but he wasn’t looking towards my side. Nelson II was far from me, but Nelson I was passing right in front me in the first row. He wasn’t looking at me either, but I called him:
-Nelson, did the list pass?
-The list for signing?
-Yes, the list.
-It didn’t. Now he went to bring it.
Until now I had a plan regarding him, from the moment I decided to ask him, I decided not to have one at all. Why? Probably because I’m not afraid of him. He considers this as a working relationship, I consider it as an acquaintance relation.

But the relationship that followed between he and Benjamin was very friendly. Apparently they talked about Nelson’s working out. Didn’t Benjamin said once he’s coming to Zlox we to find girlfriend? Ooops, Nelson’s standing on my way… Very likely Benjamin would stay longer at Nelson’s in Preevytip, and I used to consider Andrea for a threat… Plans, complications… everything could result with the fake me = nothing… Noo, it’s still early. Anyway, maybe we spent our time differently, importantly we both were doing something. While he was sweating playing football, I was enjoying in the art of the modern ballet.

The colleague who was sitting from my right wanted I to move to left, in order his friend to sit next to him, but I was interested whether Andrea would like to move, she moved from behind.

If I hadn’t asked Benjamin where he sat while passing by me, he wouldn’t have asked me “Where are you Nicky?”

This Wednesday returned to me the feeling that called “horror” referring to the events from Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

Muhammed was absent, Munin was absent, the others were close mutually, and I… I wasn’t in the mood. The professor was observing me, I had my death stare. Why didn’t they want me? Well I abound with spirituality. What makes sins so attractive?

On the second break, Munin arrived and sat behind me. He didn’t want to tell me why he was late not to be heard by the professor who assumingly looked at me cause I’m weird to him (I was serious, antisocial, then very social, smiling). Weird? I’m just getting started. And how would I be like when he finds out he was supposed to be my godfather?

Munin continued his talk with the Turk next to him, but the freshly-arrived Muhammed was targeting to sit next to me. He sat next to Munin after he learnt it was taken.

Ergin smiled and waved to me at the door. Intriguingly I saw Andrea talking with the it girl and smiling to her. [Prior to this day Andrea shared with me she had a negative opinion about the it girl.] What happened? Tailor liked them?

After the lecture I heard the colleagues from the first group talking if we’d have Maths additional. I asked Gulben, she confirmed we’d have. That moment I told Muhammed I should’ve come at his place, but I had an obligation.

In the other building, in a another lecture room, Benjamin was signing something “Nicky. Nicky. …”. We moved into the room next door where I smiled to Nelson II. I sat next to him, who told me he changed his mind. He’s looking from the other Nelson, but it’s not my business. The brown guy behind me asked me for a piece of paper calling me “Zlox”. Benjamin asked for a pen from me, he accepted my little pen and showed it to Tim indicating its size. Side note: The two of them are just a pale shadow of what they used to be.

I thought of asking for a piece of paper from Vanessa in front of me, yet I saved place on my only one.

Nelson I was exaggerating with his comments and throw-ins towards the assistant. He is acting like a child. His jokes aren’t interesting at all (It’s like to say that chicken gives birth to a calf. Funny?). If he knew this, he’d say they ARE interesting за some (“некои”)… oops “someone” (“некој”), and I’m saying that that someone will make you company in hell as you have started. I mean it’s obvious he’s a child of divorced parents and when the parents are sinning that much, what can be expected from the offspring? Ironically I understand him. When he talked and cried, he wasn’t obeyed, so now he talks (and he himself knows whether he cries) double more to reach a target – he to be a god and the adjective ALMIGHTY that still stands in his Facebook section about indicates it. OK, if you wanna fight, fight, but don’t show even a sign of anger if someone is better than you.

Why is living in the moment so important? Why the desire to be above the others is irreplaceable even with the vision of God? What kind of future will exist for him?

He has made contacts with many male and female colleagues, I see (Tag: Sandra).

For his selfishness speaks his arrogant and uncontrolled behavior towards the others because of the loss of the mutual parental love, instead of finding consolation in the right One. Would I be the same if I hadn’t taken the current way?

The assistant wanted some male to turn off the projector hanged on the ceiling. Somebody needed to stand on the desk behind me and Nelson II. Of course the non-mighty Nelson I wanted it Benjamin or Tim as he wasn’t tall. After Benjamin rejected him, he told him “You will say something”. So the word “Christianity” and even generally “religion” is unnecessary.  I am tall and the projector was very close to me, but of course, nobody remembered me. Let it be. They lose. It’s them whom the wall kept glowing to. Other, real persons will meet me in the most right light. Everything in its time.

When I think better, their sins don’t deserve to give them that much space and time.

On the way out, I could simply pass by the door, but held it a bit for the one behind – Vanessa. Yet I let it go, and she uneasily stopped it. Btw: Vanessa used the f-word again to a male again.

On the waiting area change of atmosphere, Andrea had already arrived and we both ordered toast.
-Why are you smiling? – Andrea asked me.
-Sarah isn’t that bad, is she?
-Which Sarah?
-Well Sarah… from your group…
-Aa “isn’t”. How isn’t she? She’s stupid. And were you smiling for that?
-Yes.
Actually, I was going through the material for my diary, among others this is one of the subjects as well.
-I saw you with her.
She told me they were together ‘cause they needed to buy or take sth.
-She made me nervous. – she admitted.
So she’s just using her for company. She has a lot of experience, I’m not saying no.

Nelson and Nelson II came to buy hamburgers.

I ate meat on a Wednesday that marked the beginning of the Christmas fast, but… I had already decided not to do it. I mean I know I can do it, just… my birthday’s coming and the others will judge, plus I understand the fast as a voluntary thing. Well it’s not that important what you eat, but what’s your soul like.

Andrea took water for me too. Positive gesture.

In the bus I sat next to Andrea. I was thinking about what kind of opinion I have about which colleague, similar to the table I did for my ex-class the summer. I’ll just say: Andrea: Positive, Nelson I: Negative.

Is there still hope for some people?

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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