Thursday 22.11.2012

Andrea wasn’t in the bus.

While I was waiting in the faculty’s hall, the first group arrived without Andrea. Muhammed and Dave shook hands with me and sat next to me. After Dave swapped with Gulben, I asked her if Andrea had come on Maths with their group, she did(!) but told others to sign her for Electrotechnics. I asked Gulben will we study in Saturday to work for the Wednesday because of the tree day, she said to me:
-Are you all right? – That question here too.
-I don’t know, that’s what they said on the news.
Mum was sure we’ll study in Saturday though.

As they were talking about last night’s students’ party, I assumed the party girl felt too tired for her day to function the standard way.

As soon as he arrived, Marcus came to greet me (just hitting, a la female). Was it the same Marcus that teased me which girl I like? Btw, the it girl saw me, but didn’t come to greet. I am boring to her, I see.

In Amphitheater 2 I entered first and sat in the third row, the M.H.G. placed himself in front of me. Next to me, Muhammed sat on my right, Dave wanted to sit on my left, but the seat was broken so he sat a seat further. I asked Dave what happened with his other friend Bennett (here known as #2), he didn’t know, but told me he would write to him on Facebook. Just when I remember I used to call them popular… Muhammed asked me for my telephone number. He finally had index that showed me which came in package with a secret. He couldn’t quite explain me the secret that in his words only I was supposed to know, so he addressed Reis to translate. Before telling me Reis prepared looking aside to tell me the secret knowing that I’ll look him in the eyes. He had learnt the order… When I heard the mistake I smiled, he didn’t. On the one hand it means that he is sincere (not pretending), on the other hand – that he has explored me and concluded I’m not good as I look. I don’t regret. Muhammed showed Dave and me his driver license and the many cell phone cards.

After the professor entered, Christian behind me was asking me what’s up with Virginia. He suggested me to poke her and like on Facebook. Allegedly she was interested in me and as she was a “handbo’ player” she had a “tight pussy” (like it mattered to me).

Someone raced me in giving the Electrotechnics script to the professor, but Reis took mine.

On the pause, Nelson was looking at me, so I went next to him and we chatted. He was interested about Andrea, I found out Nelson I went hitchhiking and that Nelson II finished Computer Studies in EMUC Stip. I should have stayed longer, instead I told him I was bored.

Back to my place, I felt my phone vibrating. I was ignoring it, assuming it was mum, yet decided to see if it was Andrea. Neither, it was Muhammed.
-Hello.
All of the remained people in the room got quiet.
-Nilk.
-Yes.
I avoided a name.
-Is Gulben there?
-She is not here. C’mon come.
-OK.
-Who was it? – Thomas asked me.
-Muhammed.

02547716-copyThomas was throwing the chalk at me again, but without success. He asked me whether I would withstand if he hits me with the chair, I asked him “What chair with”.
-With this one – showing the professor’s.
-No.
-“What chair with” – Thomas copied me, he had nothing else left.
Luckily there were two other chairs.

While he was walking the row, Reis greeted Nelson II the male way. Scratch, scratch. It’s too obvious that some others think because I’m mostly alone, I’m not normal. No, it’s just a proof for my courage and endurance.

The others had come when I asked Thomas which village he comes from even though from Facebook I knew he is from Zrnovci. He invited me to come there, he had a shop in the center. Diana (Reis’s curly haired friend), told him not to fuck me up while Reis didn’t believe it.

Christian part 2: Apparently Virginia told him I didn’t “like” her photos and he suggested to compliment her on her legs. According to him, the male should woo. Who said Boki 13 is a male? He asked me I had “fucked” until now, I told the truth.
-And will you fuck Virg?
-If she wants.
Meaning: in marriage.
-And do you have a condom in you?
-No.
-How come you don’t. Without a condom she wouldn’t want.
And better. Some people never got bored with sex.

Benjamin asked I and Muhammed “Where are you brothers”, I asked him about Andrea. Like Melanie (I missed that name now) said to me four years ago: “You can’t if you don’t check”.

Ergin (Next to Reis) asked me if the latter on the board in the formula was λ, I confirmed him, but it turned out to be ϴ. Ergin returned the book to me instead of the careless Reis.

The Kumanovo guy was calling me to reach Virg, yet I went out the front door. Muhammed and Reis walked together, behind them were Ergin and I.

Ergin commented that we finally finished, I asked him where he is from from Turkey and where he’s staying now. He also asked me where was I from and if I’m staying in Stip. He said I didn’t have another choice but to travel, he was wrong. At the end, I felt like I should put my hand on the lower part of his back, yet decided to pass. However he did it to me, and I copied him. I caught up with Muriel, but we didn’t say anything to each other. So Andrea thought of her when she told me the colleagues from our group were “upped”. I sat in the second row, Muriel was in front of me. After she gave me the list I asked her if Emily’s gonna come to sit next to her, she was. Emily sat next to me.

On the practices I realised the] others practice Maths at home, I write my diary.

In the yard passed over Virginia without saying anything. There wasn’t what. I mean, I’d
rather chose another girl that I know, she is too unexplored to me.

punch-png-4I asked Thomas if he was leaving, he was. He wanted to go on broth, but I preferred to eat home. He wanted to punch me (whether I would withstand), I agreed, but I blinked when he was coming close. For him there was no reason to do it as I was a “good kid”. “Very good”. He’ll see how good I am. He’ll read.
-I can be bad if I want – I said.
-You can be better?
-Bad I can be.
-Be bad.
My death stare followed. He was surprised. When we arrived on the waiting area he pointed the bad me to Muriel and Emily. He said he had money to treat me for broth showing me the winning ticket from a betting shop (400 den.). I didn’t congratulate him. Ah, sins… He then wanted I to kick Emily. I agreed only if he tells her. He said it but she didn’t hear him. Muriel looked at him instead.
-To Muriel. – Thomas said.
There I was, I stood next to Muriel, I raised my left leg next to her knees and I gently kicked her.
-What did I do to you? – she protested.
-You didn’t do anything to me.
That was the problem. Nothing. She should have given me spirituality. Either Thomas either a friend of his told Muriel he made me do it, so she went after him and got physical. She said:
-I’m mad at you – to me and -I’m not mad at you – to Thomas.
-You aren’t a friend of mine anymore.
-Like I was until now.
I left her speechless. I do it very well. The bad me is cynical, you know.
-It he did that to me… – The other girl threw in.
-Are you gonna take mind from Thomas… Look how he’s looking at me – Emily was looking at me.
Well when you didn’t even try to take from you, I did what the others would do. In fact God has already given me mind and you should be thankful that I don’t judge you that you didn’t choose this way.

Muriel had gone aside speaking on the phone with who else but her family.

Their bus arrived, Thomas held his hand to greet me on what I call the female way, I gripped his hand the male way. The other guy greeted as well while Muriel just abruptly touched me (arm-back). I appreciated the signed, so I asked her “Are you mad at me?”.
-She’s mad at you ‘cos you didn’t kick her hard – Thomas said leavingly.

After all I’m interesting to these guys. They were looking me from the bus, and I became aware of it late. They mean to me. I believe they are going to see more of me in the role of the bad me. Not seriously, of course. I can be bad by great lengths, but regardless of what they (don’t) do, they come from God. I can still hate their and my sins. Yes, I succeeded in this target even though it was rough at the beginning. They saw me in my bad light, I even wished I’d escaped in monastery, but the real me won with God’s help. It’s not perfect, but I see they have accepted me. Analogically I could be accepted if I changed this way (Read: showed the real me) the senior year, yet I was patient preparing for something bigger.

Home, it was published in the group we aren’t having I.T. practices tomorrow. Last Friday the Electrotechnics assistant told us probably we won’t have Electrotechnics practices too, so it’s a day off.

Willy added me on Facebook.

Thanksgiving!

Although we are not celebrating it, in my opinion there should be a Thanksgiving day in Macedonia.

I’m mostly thankful to God for His love and help to me. Compared to last year I’ve passed through the most changing period of my life. I socialised myself. I’m not gay anymore. I know the real values of religion. I love much more!

Thank you all.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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