Tuesday 20.11.2012

Late again, Andrea suggested me to enter on the pause, I accepted wanting it from before not because I was afraid of the professor, but because I didn’t want all the others to turn around and look at me.

On the pause, on the back door, Pete’s friend said to me “C’mon colleague” and Mike – “Nicky”. Inside, Andrea sat next to Harold, I sat two rows ahead. Benjamin went to see Andrea and called Harold “rabbit”. I was on his second plan, I mean in this case third plan, importantly I WAS. He read what did I write in my notebook (just what I turned around to rewrite from a colleague’s notebook) and we arranged he to give me his Math notebook on I.T. as we were sitting in different rows on opposite ends. I asked him if we were gonna have additional Maths later, he told me it was only for those with over 10 points. OK. It turned out two places next to me to be free, so I moved next to Nelson II.

On the second pause, the Kumanovo guy who was sitting in the row in front of me asked me again if I had a girlfriend. He offered the girl next to him, here known as the “Frozen in the face”. You can guess my answer: “Alrighty”. In his words she was single and ugly to which I said “what does she need”, btw: she is very much alike to Barbara, he wanted I to go out on coffee with her, but I said “Another time” as I was going to wait for the bus immediately. He asked me if I had her on FB, I told him I didn’t know her name, so we met each other: Virginia. I miss the meetings… the beginning… Christian asked me if I had a female friend for him, I said I didn’t. I have a “female friend”, but I don’t have one who would love someone that at the same time has a girlfriend. Yet I’m a Christian. I forgot to mention I had audience from behind.

Peter #4 came to salute with me but I (typically for me) didn’t know how to do it.
I made it even the third time, but I made it. It will be, just Sarah (c.) is not here to practice with her.

I.T. meant moving me in the first row to hear the professor. Sarah came and once again we discussed sitting in front, Marcus and I saluted each other, but I did it girly again. Benjamin was gone. Even Gulben moved behind to eat, I left alone in the first row. Alone. Where nobody belonged, so I moved in the second row next to Gulben who has bought bake-rolls-bbq-ger-copyBake Rolls Barbecue flavor. Muhammed had arrived and was sitting in the third row after a discussion with Mike who suggested me to sit next to Muhammed. Muhammed gave me 4 pieces of Bake Rolls Gulben have given to him likely because the barbecue was pork. I had previously taken 2 Bake Rolls in the 1st row from the colleague Steven who had taken all of them from Gulben. So, she eats pork and Christian again commented something for us two and said that Virginia may find another one. Benjamin came in with Thomas who clearly met him yesterday. Let it be. The active sinners SHOULD be together. I gesticulatively asked for his notebook, and he was probably talking about the distance. It didn’t happen. Of course, I could easily ask a notebook from Gulben, or better – from Nelson II before, but I wanted to see how much I mean to him. After this, it would be the best if “how much” is replaced with “whether”. My generous friend Gulben gave me her Math notebook by herself.

-Colleague he’s asking me what’s your name.
It was Gulben after speaking to Muhammed.
-Well tell him.
-I forgot your name too.
I smiled.
Someone wouldn’t forgive this.

Muriel asked me if I wanted a bonbon, as I was looking at her unwrapping it. No, I wasn’t looking that way because of it, I was looking to see how’s the situation going behind → Andrea and Nelson II. It would’ve been too obvious if I looked directly back, so…

On I.T. I got assured Munin was absent.

In the hall Muhammed and I were walking together, Benjamin joined us:
-Where are you brothers?
After AAAAALL, he was left alone.
-Am I your brother too? – I asked him.
Previously he didn’t act that way, I had a reason to ask. He left us. I realised “brothers” referred to Muhammed and I, not to us Benjamin and I.

Muhammed wanted me to go in a restaurant, but I went to wait for the bus.

In the bus, I refused to sit next to Andrea, choosing to sit behind, and she noticed it. Either act with me as it befits, either don’t act at all. Not to wonder later.

In Zlox, grandma D. reminded me I should have fasted today. Mum didn’t tell me to me in the morning when I asked her.

Dad had taken my bike to the garden. He said “Sorry for the bike”. Pathetic! “Sorry”? Just because I entered right after he did. I don’t understand that much? Well, I saw him after I went out of grandma’s, plus I know everytime he goes on the garden without the tractor, he uses my (in fact it wouldn’t be considered for mine anymore) bike. So if I don’t see, I don’t know?

I did feel sorry for him using my senior-year school bag, so after giving him deadlines few times I told mum who gave it to him without asking me to return it, but after I read that Bible says if it was taken from you, don’t ask back, I gave up. Though it’s material it has nostalgic meaning for me. I kept the part of the balloon that Ethan popped, which is now gone… … I rejected E. as a target, yet Dave hid that bag from me…

It has a meaning… I can’t be fourth year again, the bag would made me closer… At least that I can (come on could) have now… Let it be. I have more important things than that. My duty is to listen to God, He can give me and gives me, much more valuable things than material. Spiritualism. Instead of having something that would remind me on the mines, I can have them. All thanks to Him.

I feel sorry for dad. He doesn’t know the real values… By myself I know how it feels when something is given to me with love (so even if I don’t want it I’d take it), and how I fell for the things I took without permission… Despite that he “secretly” took my bike. He chose the materialism over me. But let it be… He lost his meaning to me a long time ago. If he adores gathering garbage, let him fell free… We know how those that gather garbage are called, just the others are paid for it…

Later, when the kids were passing, I went on the window to see them. Maggie waved me, I responded to her, and Elizabeth waving me showed with her hand that I’m crazy. Al and I saw each other… nothing. The deed is a proof: he is afraid of me for not accepting me on Facebook. His choice.

I offered a Facebook friend request to the new Virginia.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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