Friday 16.11.2012

As the bus was late again, I arrived just after the I.T. assistant opened the door to my group and Nelson I. He thinks he can impose wherever, whenever he wants. Doesn’t he realise he’s more than boring?

I said “Good morning” to the dark haired colleague from B.P. and sat on the closest place available to the place I used to sit. After a while, Benjamin joined us too. His first chosen computer wasn’t working, so he liked it or not he sat next to me. I looked at him, he asked me where was I and I asked him why with our group, he replied not to wait and asked if we signed. I learned he started to make his Math project (seminar work), group 8.

Lesson: HTML tables.

Benjamin whispered sth, I turned towards him, but it was addressed to Nelson I.

Held more than ever, on the way out after we said nothing with Reis, I spotted our it girl saluting somebody, I intentionally touched her back, she turned towards me and we Hied each other high fiving. We were seen by the one from Berovo (of course laughing) and probably Marcus. The Kumanovo guy asked me about my B.P. points and said “Didn’t you do nothing?”… “Me 0”. In the hall Benjamin was standing and resumed walking with me. He didn’t know where was he going, but he joined some guy.

Near the exit, Peter – Mines 2 asked me where was I and hesitated to do an act with his hand. In the yard, I sat on a bench. Alone. A group of colleagues from my group were gathered not far from me. I turned on the other side. I could hear some of their words. One was main – Peter #4, and the others gravitated towards him. They were scratching. Maybe some day they’ll hit something. I go to a certain gain: God. Those who understand gambling as sin, understand.

At least when I talk to others, I act like a real human. I’m that way. All or nothing.

If last year the “stickers” were Ethan and Derek P., now their producer’s company is more generous. I have a feeling there will be duplicates… That will pass too…

They weren’t talking about me. Then they got quiet, and then…
-Nicky!
It reminded me a lot on Ducky. It was Peter – #4.
-What?
-Come here.
I hesitated.
-Come here. Why have you sat there alone?
I went towards them.
-Well, where should I go?
-Well, come with us, sit. Make a room for him. Sit…
I hesitated, but sat. I changed my mind to sit.
-Why are you pensive? Is some girl bothering you?
Why Benjamin didn’t ask me that? But I smiled to him…
-No.

Surprisingly Vanessa who this time seemed friendly, said to me:
-In Stip there are beautiful girls.
There it was… Our first verbal contact since the start.
Ooou, I hope it wasn’t pride.
She was courageous, so I remarked our moment:
-Vanessa.

Peter asked me if I drink alcohol and Vanessa’s faculty male best friend wanted to know if I smoke. Don’t I look like a Christian to you? Then he asked me:
-And do you go for girls?
-No.
Wait, I transformed even too much this year. But I’m just getting started.

Peter threw in that one girl has disappointed me and that I think about her all the time. No, you (I mean like a group, not individual) were the reason for my reservedness. Guys, you were showing your (in)humanity from the beginning, how do you expect to act in front of you? You think I smile all the time? I smile when I feel spirituality fulfilled, something most of you failed to give. Didn’t you realise it was a test? Were you so narrow minded, that you couldn’t relate my introversion to the religion? It is a fact that I am better accepted from the first group. Logically, I’ll keep my energy for those who truly accept me and respect me. Not that I don’t have it enough, I’m just doing what the real persons deserve – the best of me. Those who tried me know.

…They were interested in my colloquium results. The frozen-in-the-face girl (I don’t push limits here, she has left me such impression) commented that I have written the most Internet Technologies, Peter stated I have passed.

Distancing from my subject, it was Mike’s turn. He was absent this day, but present on this world since 1985!

Yes, Peter revealed Mike started studying Computer Science with his generation, dropped it and later decided to return as his parents pushed him, but this was his choice. Someone added he should have been married by now and have kids, Peter imitated him.

So that’s why I noticed too much maturity in his voice. Curiously, his year of birth was hidden on Facebook.

Vanessa wanted to know why the Electrotechnics professor let us re-write the previous day. “Because he is going to fuck us up later on the exam?” Obviously she hasn’t chosen the religious way. And that’s the best version of her? Laughing?

1_After I mistakingly took the second floor hall, Peter #4 told me we won’t have Electrotechnics where we used to as the computers were covered with oilcloths.

Peter – mines 2 passed in the hall in front of me, I didn’t warn him about the lecture room situation and I felt kind of guilty. When he returned Thomas had come and asked me:
-Do you play sport tickets?
Like for the interest.
-No.
-Аа, he does, he does. – said a member from Mines 2.
-I don’t. – I was telling the truth.
Thomas offered to tell me a ticket carrying big gain, I wasn’t interested. If I’m already earning money, I want it to be the honest way, with effort as a real Christian should do.

Plus if he was certain, he would take those money. I believe I made impression that the bets have disappointed me.

Nelson I asked me “How’s it?”.

After all, the assistant decided to hold practices in lecture room 12 removing the oilcloths. I sat in the fourth row, Peter #4 sat next to me, Benjamin was in front of me.

The assistant wasn’t generally satisfied by the colloquium, which is good for me, at least there are other weak ones.

It was time we to be given the seminar work’s subjects in groups of 3. Of course, I was alone, nobody asked me. We were allowed to merge with the other group depending on our geographical vicinity, so I hoped Andrea would pick me on their practices. Nelson I, Nelson II (who was absent) and Benjamin formed a group, although I would say that Benjamin and Tim would be together. On his way back Nelson I stopped and was looking at me. I said:
-Nelson… (I named him for the first time)
-Will you go by taxi?
Benjamin interrupted our moment and Nelson joined him. Now I have a higher opinion for Nelson and no longer see him as enemy, for now it’ll be like for Andrea – a friendly person, but active sinner.

I went forward where everyone who stayed was. Without a group. Dave didn’t have one too.
-Do you want you and I to make it together? – It was Thomas.
-I want to.
Dave asked if it’s possible to be two in a group, Thomas added him with us.

Once again Thomas didn’t reveal his place of living saying he lives behind mountains. His only assignment would be burning the CD. It wouldn’t be all the same to Andrea…

We arranged to communicate via Facebook, he added I don’t log on FB, I admitted it was because an ex-classmate of mine bothers me. I have already put to appear offline to her, but if I put myself online to others, I’d feel guilty, so… I told him her name was Barbara, but didn’t tell him what she writes to me as I couldn’t remember. Thomas sexually connected us, and I became interesting to the fat Nick. He asked me about my name and my place of living. Meanwhile, Thomas was talking on his phone.
-To write me, you and Tailor…
What? Behind my back!?

After his chat I told him what I had planned:
-Are you fucking me up?
-I’m not fucking you up.
-Well what were you talking on the phone? Are you in group with others?

To short it, he didn’t admit, but he did write he, Tim and Tailor on the list.
-Are you mad at me?
-OK. (I was smiling, it’s not worth to understand it seriously) OK.
I went back to my place, took my jacket and the bag and came forward again.
-Are you mad at me?
So I mean to him. Experience has shown me that you literary ALWAYS come back to me, just as you will come back to GOD.
-Are you mad at me?
-Nothing…
It indicated I didn’t feel anything about him, I forgot I should have felt love.
-A little?
You think I didn’t remember that answer? But I forgive, I am not mad at anyone.
-Don’t be mad at me.
Thomas, people who know me well, know I’m ready to do far more dangerous things than being mad. You don’t want me to be your enemy, believe me. You are not afraid from God, so I can easily make you be afraid from me. Ya think you can play with me? What would Boki 13 say: “Hahahah”. Even on deed I see that you love the hell, but this is a shame even for the devil. At least he is generous towards people he wants to attract to him. Your action wasn’t supernatural at all. It was crazy.  See ya on the judgment day.

-I’ll pick my Zlox girl, Andrea. I’ll be with her.
He thinks he was my last choice?
It is underestimation, but of course from that kind of person it has no significance for me.

Dave asked me if he can be in our group, I let him. I called Andrea, she accepted. When you need your ex-enemy…

Dave wrote us in, the assistant gave us the subject “Principle of operation and construction of a speaker”. Leaving together Dave told he had material from a last year book of his. I asked him about the school subject, with effort he remembered it was “Digital logic…”… Yes, the one he took for matura, from his previous chat with Muriel I found out that he failed a subject. Math? Of course, he offered himself to prove that he can contribute, that’s how those people function.

Muriel asked us which subject do we have, Dave answered. He asked me where will I go. He left with his car.

I called Andrea again to tell her about Dave and she to write her index number. Btw I learnt she was at Tara’s apartment, and not becoming spiritually closer to some colleagues.

After my walk, I went on the waiting area.

Christian and Benjamin were coming, they stood by the taxi Nelson I was in. Then it was my turn. Christian grumbled that we have finished earlier (“fuck your mother”), Benjamin joined me, saying to the Kumanovo guy he’s coming this weekend in Kumanovo. They were exchanging their numbers when my bus arrived. Let it be. Let them have each other. God and I have each other.

I felt bad for my f-word utterance, but In the taxi, the front passenger and the driver were cursing. It was in a sexual sense and they didn’t regret. Terrence (Terry) and I were sitting at the back seat. He surprisingly asked me what I study and what subjects I learn. I didn’t ask him anything, like I didn’t ask the previous Nick as it looked like ass-licking to me cause if they didn’t say anything to me, I wouldn’t interact with them either.

Home, I realised that I don’t see #2 these days at all, so he has likely given up his studies. And as I see Thomas isn’t a person who would stick to Dave all the time. A shake-up?

Mike was gone too. Has he given up again after his zero B.P.?

Muhammed is leaving, Ethan has dropped, who would say the departing would happen so soon?

A thing isn’t a thing without Nick’s fingers mixed in it – finally: The reason for the bus picking up the mines earlier revealed. In front of my house Monique Bickey was telling to a woman about the overcrowding in the bus, apparently she stood next to the door, and next to her there were other children too, so she went at the principal to rebel. The next day the bus arrived at 6:50 and waited for the rest of the students to come.

Mum told me Monique’s sister, Sandra, my ex-classmate, went abroad and got married!

Barbara waved me from a car returning from George and Georgia’s birthday.

M. came and told me Derek P. left on military.

According to M., Ethan didn’t leave faculty as he saw him coming out of the bus the same day. It doesn’t hint anything to me. Perhaps Ethan went to take his documents.

Mum and I later went at grandma’s, I was in the mood, full of spirituality.

Back home Muhammed wrote to me on Facebook and asked me why didn’t I go to faculty the day. I told him his results. They are weak, but meaningless if he leaves to Turkey soon. At the end I called him “bro”. It was the first time I addressed somebody that way.

Nice continuity day.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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