26.10.2012 – 28.10.2012

Friday 26.10.2012

On the road, I looked at a woman leading a child. It was my beloved grandma Viola – the food cleaner in my kindergarten. I didn’t want to look away, I told her “Hello”, she responded to me. I was happy.

On the waiting area Ducky was looking at me, but when I tried to look at him, he stopped. I recognised Dave and looked towards his direction, he wasn’t looking at me. Then he saw it, he looked towards me, but I was looking ahead. Further, a girl made me a place to pass. I feel uncomfortable every morning dealing with this.

In the bus I experienced a surprise. Sittingly I spotted two guys forward, I assumed they were elder than me. The guy who was approaching was looking at me, I was looking at him as well. I got my look down, and he kept looking at me. I looked at him again, now he wasn’t looking at me, I recognised him… Stanley. If I don’t come to them, they’ll come to me. I wanted to ask him where was he going, but he wasn’t looking at me. The curtains had darkened the space, he knew I had impaired vision, yet he wasn’t forthcoming, but he expected something from me. Yet, I wasn’t giving up. He sat on the seat across mine and I was looking at him while he was putting the fiscal bill into his pocket hoping he’d look at me. I was interrupted by the Firk who sat next to him. Nothing, except reserved looking at me. Raising myself I moved the curtain and stretched to see grandma Viola. Stanley and the Firk smiled. I was sad. I cried. We were supposed to be friends. Why like this? I love them. I felt hurt. I knew I deserved it. At least I can easily handle with the material, the spiritual hurts me mostly. Towards the end, on Channel 77 they played an older version of “Lady Marmalade”. Ah, times… As you know me, I could get off at the bus station , not in front of the Electro just to see where would they go, but… perhaps I didn’t give them that value. They were looking me coming out and I kind of moved my head towards Stanley and smiled. It was fake which goes in package with the fake me, but I knew it would mean to them so I kept it until my exit.

In the hall, #4 asked me “where are you”, Dave just turned back after he saw me. I was standing alone again. I should have escaped to a monastery on time. At least they would have appreciated my spirituality there. Nobody noticed I had new glasses. The talkative Nelson I was with our group this Friday too. Who gives him the right? As I see he intensively hangs out with the handsome unshaven guy whose name I found out to be William or Willy. The others must think I do what I do because I want it that way. I don’t. I thought: “You have a promise from God that He will return, I give you promise that you will see the real me.” A guy stood next to me, but that wasn’t it. After disappointment, nothing is the same anymore.

Inside I took my standard position and the guy on my left helped me insert a photo in my exercise. I couldn’t understand Nelson’s behavior to the assistant: “I swapped with a girl… Just in Fridays”. Just in Fridays? Every Friday impoliteness! Why do we have to endure his military career failure?

On the way out, Mike, who was just about to enter paid attention to me. Only I went to walk on the pause. Don’t forget, God was alone too.

Back, I sat in the third row in lecture room 12, Dave chose to sit in the second one. He asked me if he could take my book to read. Speaking to Muriel, he had difficulties remembering which subjects he took for matura and I was surprised to hear he failed Maths.

I didn’t find Mike in our group on the list. The it girl was missing and it was very noticeable. When it comes to it girl usually other girls hate her, but from inside lust to be like her, our it girl isn’t like that. She truly cares about others. It isn’t the same without her.

Then… after two unsuccessful days… I had the solution… 100% tested to be working… experience speaks for it… a new improved strategy… hanging out with the it girl. Yes, it makes sense. I know it’s very progressive Christianity but as a clever person I’m aware that being with girls is better than being alone! Experience tells me gays have better reputation than the lonely ones. Besides it doesn’t necessarily mean someone is gay if he hangs out more with the opposite gender.

Outcome: They (the boys) will come to me first. Because they want popularity, plus I have the gender… I know how profane people function. They think I’m distanced because I want to? Then they don’t know me. Think again. The it girl is interested in me, and it’s proven that it’s easier and more successful to do something you’ve been doing your entire life, than something new (I’m referring to the closeness with the opposite gender), meaning guaranteed results. I am usually governed by the rule
“Deeds, not words”, this time if I get a chance I’ll open myself to the it girl that I’d rather hang out with her, than to stand alone, as she loves sincereness, she will accept me. And then…

Yes, I’ll definitely try it. She is my latest hope, before I reach after the pill mum recommends me for outgoingness.

Back to reality, Thomas turned around and winked me, I smiled to him. No practices next Friday.

On the waiting area, Tim came by to buy a toast (alone!) and we contacted, Andie left home with taxi and the it guy, I mean, Reis raised his hand towards me, I raised my head.

In the bus… “I… like to like you baby” by Beyonce were the lyrics I heard when I saw the Firk and Stanley on the first place with this bus as I assumed. The Firk was looking at me, Stanley wasn’t. My guess: Fear.

In Preevytip, they headed towards the square, which reminded me sometimes I to wait there too. Unfortunately a taxi driver found me and brought me to Zlox.

Home, I was ready to put my promising plan into practice – I offered Facebook friendship to the it girl. She accepted becoming my milestone 200th friend. Mike had a new profile picture. At first I was afraid to “like” it, but the fear was gone after realizing he’d do the same about me. Now the problem was: what if my “like” appeared in the news feed to let’s say M.? Where I know Mike from?

I told mum about Facebook and her, she wanted to know if the it girl is beautiful or just a “swanker”. A-a, this it girl is very special. Natural, above all.

I feel positive about the next week. Time will change, weather will change, I will change. Watch me!

 

[The text for the period 27.10.2012-09.11.2012 is based on notes.]

 

Saturday 27.10.2012

Andrea’s sister’s wedding day. I was shy, hiding behind mum while the wedding attenders were dancing after the registration, but I saw Andrea wearing a red dress.

 

Sunday 28.10.2012

The evening Andrea called me to ask me about the next day. She received a compliment from me that she was very beautiful for the wedding.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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