Aunt Tricia and Steven interrupted my diary writing. It was the fake me in front of them – only answering their questions. Eventually Steven and I found ourselves alone in the room
and after his questions about my faculty, I asked him about his faculty. He said I would certainly watch Iffet if I wasn’t on faculty. – Not believing in me.
Downstairs he assumed I don’t hang out because everyone does what wants to do. He wasn’t right. I told him I don’t open myself completely, he said God gave him an ability to estimate even a person who doesn’t open completely too.
-Then estimate me. What am I like? – I said to him.
-You don’t want the others around you to succeed.
-OK. – I said.
OK, it’s what I wanted him to think. Correct, he can estimate me – but the fake me.
He said I should sometimes victimise for the others as he victimised when a friend of his got F, he said to the professor “Put F to me too” because he was the one who spoke to the friend.
Fact: Not knowing me.
I victimised myself to call Alison “assistant” even though every 1-year student calls her “professor”, for Munin even though I knew our signatures shouldn’t be on the EMF list. I victimised myself when I highly raised the right list to give it to Munin. It was because I KNEW he was worth.
And why am I explaining, when some don’t deserve it?
Upstairs, he asked me how would I feel if someone who had the same knowledge as me gets A and I get B, I replied it wouldn’t be all the same to me. And you know it wasn’t the same to me to hear Sarah was chosen over me as the best… having helped her hundreds of times… He said Sammy and I were closed and didn’t want to speak with others – selfish. Wishing A.B. with Brian to be saved instead of me doesn’t make me selfish. He asked me if I stayed in Skopje or Stip would I call mum and dad. I said I’d call my mum to ask her to show me the way, otherwise I’d wait she to call me. He considered it was wrong as those are my family. They “loved” me.
We are not so advanced for wishing I had never existed to be considered as love. I’d call people that really love me and trust me and I feel the same for them. He confided that the ones he trusted the most disappointed him so [much that] he couldn’t believe his own brother. They are very few, but there are people I absolutely trust to. Knowing the real me they are aware I won’t act the same if front of them if they betray me, so our love grows fonder instead.
Steven speaks about a me he used to know. He doesn’t know what have I been through and what am I going through. I know one thing: Those who have seen the real me, want to see it again. I told him I didn’t change (referring to the people who knew the fake me before) because they already have an opinion about me, about which he said could be quickly changed. I know it, but I also know that the feeling from the love-filled relationship with those who see me as equal to them is extremely different.