Wednesday 10.10.2012

In the bus a girl was complaining to a boy about her faculty life. I get her. If I don’t believe firmly, I’d probably behave the same too. She thinks this mortal life is everything she’ll ever have, so she must live it the best. I feel sorry for her. And I don’t hate her, just the sins in her.

Andrea and I were late on Basics of Programming. I sat next to her in the third row.

On the break, the guy I sat last Monday with (maybe Tim) said to me:
-Nicky why don’t you go out?
There’s “Nicky” here too!
-Who with?
He misunderstood me, causing I to repeat the question twice. Yet he didn’t call me with him, therefore Nicky decided to make a tour in the hall. I looked at the guy I’ll call Tim, he was talking to his friends. Near the male toilet, I was surprised to hear the handsome unshaven guy cursing. After I returned from the back door, Munin greeted me, and I said his name. I also asked him “Are you fine?”, but he didn’t hear me. He was alone this time.

On the lecture, the Kumanovo guy, touched me from behind asking me where I bought my bag from. And I though it’s misfiting besides the other of the students’ folders. Seems like they got used to it, as they got used to my teeth. I told him I didn’t know the price, but that it was a gift by a mum’s colleague who sells bags. A lie told to shorten the explanation. Not mum’s colleague, but mum’s boss’s sister. He told me to ask about the price.

Now I can’t hide anymore. I can, but… Finally mum will find out a part from my contacts with males.

Bonus info: Andrea isn’t going on tonight’s party. Anyone with opinion about her different than mine?

The Kumanovo guy later asked me if I understood the professor, I negated adding “I’m just listening”.

On the last break Andrea told me we were going to have B.P. practices later. At the end I found out it’s in fact a software testing. In the hall I stood following them, Munin also stood next to the wall and pretended not to see me. Let it be. One day we will all face God. I was hesitating whether to go to him, but if I did, I wouldn’t have heard the software testing’s taking place at F.E.S.. Outside, I saw Muhammed looking for someone. I said “Hello” to him, without feedback.

On the road after seeing where approximately the most beautiful guy stays, eventually, I lost them. In lecture room 1 at F.E.S., the guy next to me asked me if I was from Stip and if I knew the twins Derek and Dean as they studied together. He is on Business Computer Studies. I asked him to tell me where he found the Math material he had displayed. Looks like studying Computer Studies high school pays off. I didn’t say “thanks” to him as I considered it too formal. Tim asked me if I’d show in C++ to some friend of his and if I study something. That Tim is holding well to my test, although at the beginning he was too observant. The thing was testing a webpage by an ex best student mentored by the dean.

Alone I went to wait opposite the faculty. I made my first lifetime contact with Melinda who sat next to me and asked me where was Adriana. That’s not her name. And certainly you don’t mean to her as she to you.

When mum returned from work, I told her I have something to ask her. After lunch, I told her it was about the bag after what she assumed it’s about Vanessa but I said:
-A guy asked me where was it from.
It was with hidden details and mum told me she was shy to ask.
We’ll find out, I know.
I was grateful to God that it’s going well.

In the evening mum and I went on birthday at Marsha’s. She was with her friends in the other room, while the fake me was sitting with the relatives. It was hard for me in the role after a while. I was feeling uncomfortable. After Marsha’s cousin Marcus came by at the other room, Marsha she wanted me there, and I was only interested to see who they were. Draggingly she was leading me towards it, from where her boyfriend and another guy went out.
-Come here. There aren’t males.
She said to me. This is why the fake me exist. She is worth and I will comment. I am a male too! If I live as she thinks I live, how will I get married to a girl? On the other hand, she is right. I have shown my naked butt (and more!) in front of her dancing feministic striptease back at my gay days. I wasn’t acting mature for my age. You know that I always admit my mistakes, but this one wasn’t mine. Only I on Earth know my spiritual pain from the past and my traumas. It’s not even a wonder they have such an opinion about me. If I am not that, I was that.

I was standing in the room looking the five guests, one of which a minor male. I was shy to look at the same persons I was riding with. They also had an opinion about me. I ran back on my chair.

On my once-in-a-year visiting them, I dared to eat – kifla, cheese and (pork!) salami. My godfather wanted I to eat more, but it would be enough if he would appreciate that.

The fake me sucks!


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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