Monday 01.10.2012

In lack of words, and a potential feelings outburst, I avoided the mines.

In the bus for Stip I saw Ethan, Sarah, Melanie, Andrea and Darryl. I heard Ethan clearly saying to Darryl:
-Computer science.

On my way out, Darryl looked at me, I looked at him too.
-Hi Nick!
-Hi Darryl.
-Are you fine?
-Yes.
Whatever he was, he showed good will to me, so that’s why I smiled.

Walking towards the centre, I saw where Ethan temporarily lived. After I returned, Derek V. was sitting outside the faculty with a friend. I said “Hi”, he – “Nick” and smiled. He expected more. Lecture room 3 was my next destination. In the hall a girl who sat on the same bench said “Hi” to me, which I cheerfully returned. I said “Come” to the guy with her, taking my bag at me. Inside, I sat in the same desk like the last time. The girl from the next desk asked me:
-You’re from here?
-No. I’m from Zlox. Where are you from?
-From Kochani. What’s your name?
-Nick.
-Nick?
-Yes.
What’s yours? (I passed my hand)
-Emily.
-Do you stay here?
-No. I ride.
-I ride too.
I know it’s selfish from the first time, but I was amazed that someone who’s on greater distance than mine travels. Then the assistant entered to which I semi-stood up to greet her. I forgot I wasn’t in school. This time it was easier what we learnt – permutations. Not to forget, a guy informed us we wouldn’t have Linear Algebra lecture, and our Basics of Programming practices are moved at 12:30.

I walked across the town. A policeman said to me:
-Sir where’s your pedestrian?
I – sir? Well, I didn’t know I can ONLY pass a street on pedestrian crossing. Plus there wasn’t a vehicle. I ignored him. It’s the best.

Waiting in the hall of the Faculty of Educational Sciences building, Andie said “Nicky where are you” when she came. Then, someone touched my shoulder. It was Munin. We shook hands, he asked what my name was. He sat next to me. He also asked if I was from Zlox and if I had come that day. Again we looked at his timetable. I wanted to ask him something, but my tiredness from the walking and my hunger didn’t allow it. At least those who stay in Stip are fresh. He went to a colleague of him and returned. Yes, I felt endangering of the “territory”.
-Where did you go?
-Here.
-To ask something?
-To ask if we’ll have lecture, cause we might not have.
-They said we will.
Both of us weren’t in the mood. I desperately wanted an interaction, so I told him to leave my bag next to him. He agreed. Andie was looking at me. Then, our older colleague who was standing opposite us started to talk to Munin in Turkish. I only understood that Munin asked him if he was Turkish and when the man asked Munin if he was on Business Computer studies. They were speaking incredibly fluently, looked each other at face, I raised significantly my opinion about Munin in seconds. Munin called a friend of his to sit on the bench. Competition? Already? When we entered I didn’t go forward, but decided to follow Munin. He agreed, but the man and his new friend were following us. Us four sat at the fourth row. After a brief talk with the other Turk, my friend said that there was a lot of space. We stood up, entered in the third row where Munin’s new friend got over me. On the two merged places sat the two Turks, in the middle sat the other friend and I returned to the sole beginning of the row. Someone from the back laughed.

Later, the assistant asked if there was someone from the second group who didn’t call, I raised my hand.
-OK.
-Me.  – I said.
-OK, OK.
I made myself stupid not knowing that she didn’t see me. How come just some applied? Is this a joke? I was disappointed. If the evil Nick appears “on stage”, he would hang out with the other Turk. Yet I never told you we have a moment together on my first lecture day – he was smiling for something, I turned around and smiled him, with my real abilities… but I simply know this is the right way. Obviously I am bound to my religion, the others go relaxed until the end, I guess that’s what makes them popular. If I wanted, I would probably live a better profane life than them. Should I…

At the end of the practices Andrea approached me.
-Nick will you go home?
-I will. – I said.
We left together. Outside, Andrea said to me: “Wait with the colleagues”. 3 males, 1 female. I heard she travels every day now. When I asked her why she said “Because”. Why? So, she and her mother should decide which version to tell others. She was or wasn’t satisfied there?
-You have time for coffee?
I didn’t know what to say to her.
-Will you come on coffee? – she asked me.
-I don’t know you Andrea. – I said.
-You will meet them.
I met some Tim and I went with them. At the café, I drank Schweppes as only two of them drank cold macchiato. Andrea commended me that I was first on the list. They spoke about the faculty – about the exercises, the professors, the materials. I got left out. It was the fake me. However by my wish – the past was only a step away from me. The feeling is much different when I first relax in front of souls who see me as equal to themselves – without stereotypes. They already realised that I’m weird – I act antisocially.
-Say something, bro. – said Marcus, the one next to me. I said:
-Ask me.
Although I planned saying “I’m like that”.
-“Ask me” – He repeated me to the girl – Tailor. He asked me what I studied. Andrea said she was lazy to leave so we missed the 2 o’clock bus.

[The following text is composed using notes as a consequence of my occupancy.]

She finally revealed the real reason behind her many school absences – she hadn’t studied for those days so she rather stayed at home. Looks like the school had to finish in order the truth to come from herself. In addition she said I would be shy to get free from a lecture. Anyway, neither Andrea wasn’t the most active one. At least I don’t scratch from the others. Marcus asked me what kind of high school I finished and why didn’t I choose Maths for the matura. Some dust wandered in my glass.
-Eh, bravo. – Marcus commented like he wanted it and removed it.
Marcus and Tim left briefly and returned. My recently met colleagues were looking at me, I regretted for being there. Tim observed me the longest, but I didn’t look at him. There were 6 “fuck” utterances totally around the table.

Andrea was about to go in the dorm with them. I didn’t want to, but she called me, so I went with them. Inside, in the room where she used to stay the beds showed it was intended for 5 people to live in it. There were 2 tables and a wardrobe they called “Hitler” which a mother was preparing it for her daughter from Skopje studying medicine in Stip while she was having lecture. I was asked what kind of instant coffee I’d like to drink, I refused to. I sat on a bed while they talked.

Later, Andrea led me downstairs in a room where 5 males stayed. The door was greasy and there was an awkward smell. The guys were watching a movie on a computer.
-Enta buddy. – One of them invited me.
Once again I didn’t want to drink coffee. Andrea felt free enough to try a bed. Those who saw the new roommate’s mother, Stella, gossiped her although they acted politely in front of her, not respecting the religion. Apparently she was old, but some of them thought she was in fact the new roommate. A guy even suggested to ask her if she received pension, which I found very funny. Someone commented it would be the same if she called her mother to sleep next to them. There was a stereotype that the daughter came from Skopje to Stip because she was bad. Andrea thinks I’m weird, but she acts weirdly. The movie contained a sex scene but a guy refused to skip it in front of the girls as it was part of it. Someone confessed he was leaving to Berovo for sex.
-You very quiet – said the one who talked to me.
Well, if I show I am talkable, Andrea would want me the same in front of her, so… Andrea was given the knowledge that she will be welcomed only with me, they considered they would change me if I stayed with them for a week. I can drastically change for a moment – if I want to.

Outside the room, I asked Andrea again why she left the dorm. The answer was because of the noise.

Going to the bus station, Andrea asked me why I was like that and how I would I get relaxed. She had an idea to realise it through going on a students’ party on Wednesday night. She offered I to sleep at Tim’s room. I rejected it. I told her I differently imagined the going out.
-In another way.
-Which one?
-I don’t wanna tell you.
I have the right to keep it for myself. Of all days she asked me this day just when she started to travel.
-If you worry about me… – I continued.
-I am here if you want to hang out. So, not to call you. – Andrea concluded.
She couldn’t convince me. Allegedly she went on coffee for them to clarify her exercises. I told her I went because I wanted to see the “Stip scheme”.I asked the first Math lecture from her, but she didn’t have it. I congratulated her for her sister.

In Preevytip she arranged to go home for free, leaving me to find taxi.

She could gossip me that I used to hang out with girls. I don’t tolerate occasional friends – it’s a thing of the fake me.

This was my worst faculty day. Anyway it’s an excellent lesson. I had a strong, but not strong enough opinion because I agreed to go with her. Thank you.

Home, I published the following status on Ni Ck:

“Your appetites are bigger than ever and are still growing,
your claws never get tired,
your selfishness exceeds even primitivism,
do you ever in those moments mention God?
Does any of your rules stem from religion?
THIS IS A FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL!
THIS TIME  I  W I L L  F I G T H !
IF I DON’T ACT SOCIALLY IT IS BECAUSE I HATE USING MY REAL ABILITIES IN FRONT OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN ME.
Today I had the worst time so far, but I promise it won’t stay so.
I am a good soul and want cooperation, positive energy and happiness, and not materialism, duplicity and perversions.
If you don’t like me, distance from me, if you are not sure, allow me to do it for you.
If you don’t love me as I am, there’s no need to change for you!
Those who believe in me, see the real me and don’t regret for it.
Will my past stop haunting me for once???
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????”

In the evening Sarah was uncertain about how my relatives would accept Munin. She opined that my hanging out with Munin would be accepted by my parents the same as hers would accept her marring to a Turk, which wouldn’t happen. The soul is important to me.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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