Wednesday 26.09.2012

You will be amazed.

Once again I avoided the mines in the morning.

This time the bus stopped at the electro school near my faculty in Stip, but as I wasn’t aware of their closeness, I got off at the bus station where Dustin was waiting. He was distanced and wasn’t looking at me, therefore I decided to rush towards campus 2. It was 08:08 when I arrived and I had a lecture from the dean. Inside the amphitheater 2, there wasn’t a place for me. I reached the end where there was a student sat on one of the three merged seats next to the wall.
-There is no place. Everything is busy. – he said.
-There isn’t. – I didn’t miss the chance to sit next to him.
-Everybody sat.
-For another time we’ll know.
But my bus won’t.
-There are 112 people and us…
-114. …
-I have forgotten the pen. I don’t have what to write with.
I was quiet. He was a stranger to me.
-Do you have more pens?
-I have. I’ll give you.
I unzipped my bag and gave him one.
-Where were you from?
He remembered me from the previous day.
-From Zlox. You?
-Pr…lia.
Even after he repeated it I couldn’t remember it. I said I don’t know where is it.
-Zlox is next to е до Preevytip, right?
-Right.
-How big is Preevytip?
-It’s small.
-Are there 10.000 citizens?
-That much, 8.
-I haven’t been in Preevytip.
-You should come.
As you see it was the real me.
-Are you on computer science? – I asked him.
-On business computer science.
-You?
-I am on computer science.
He said: -It won’t be seen from here, which reminded me to put my glasses.
He asked what did I study and where. Logically, the same was expected from me but I just didn’t want to be pushy with the “You?” question.

The assistant who was late told us the professor was absent, that we wouldn’t have Basics of Programming practices the next day and after introducing us with the rules of grading, we were allowed to leave as soon as we write ourselves on the list. The student next to me was writing something on the last page of his notebook. It was the scoring system about what he asked me what he wasn’t sure. After learning that I travel, he asked me about the distance of Zlox to Stip which I couldn’t say. I asked him if he had been on the first Maths lecture, then if he was going to give me to rewrite it, he said he didn’t bring it.

Another student arrived, so I removed my bag from the seat on my left. After a friend of his told him he needed to sign himself on the list at the assistant, he went forward. When he returned, the student on my right asked the newly come student why he went there. I got a competition, I was ready to give up, but my new acquaintance asked pen from me (he had returned it to me after he finished his points calculations) as for he to go too.
-Should I come?
He didn’t hear me. I knew that the list was supposed to arrive to us, not we to it and I realised that the one from left is on electro, whose students was supposed to be signed on a separate list in front, something that the one from right didn’t have in mind. However this was a great chance to show myself in front of Andrea. I went after him, and because he was thin and tall, I got an impression that he is Derek V. and I – Ethan. He was about to leave his signature on the list titled EMF. I said “Wait!” and addressed the competent looking at her eyes:
-Assistant let me ask you does everyone need to sign on this list or just those on electro?
-Just those on electro.
He and I returned. He mentioned he was going to buy food later, but I didn’t expressed interest where.

Usually I ask others about their names, this time I decided not to. But the assistant wanted to know our names, I couldn’t hear when he introduced himself. After I introduced myself and the assistant nodded he said to me:

Nikola Karev

Nikola Karev

-Nikola Karev.
I asked him:
-What’s yours?
He told me his name and surname.
-What?
-Munin _____.
-Aah Munin. (I smiled.)
Munin. Another nationality. He was dark, but he wasn’t gypsy. Albanian?

Before we were handed the list, most of the students left, and the rest of us gathered to sign. Many took my turn, I didn’t want Munin to see me in such light. I dared, but simultaneously a girl touched it, so I left it to her. I even gave her pen. Finally, I turned the sheets towards me. I signed, but Munin wasn’t next to me. He was aside, leaned on wall. I raised the signatures and called:
Munin!
I handed it to him. Inspired by them who helped me in the bus, I wanted to help someone too. The others complained:
-Аааh this with privileges. It’s a screw-up.
I was surprised he didn’t say “fuck-up”. I turned and I shut them up with my glance.
-There will be screw-ups.
Be sure in it.
Munin smiled and said “Thanks” when I looked at him. He went out first, I removed my glasses.

In the hall, he turned towards me, separated from his friends and said to me:
-… … Ask from someone else the Maths thing. I am Turkish. I don’t understand the professor. Give your hand.
From so much looking at eyes I didn’t see his arm. We shook hands.
-But Maths is numbers… OK. I’ll ask from someone else.
He left.
-Goodbye. – I said.
He’s a good soul. Good returns with good.

Walking across Stip followed, this time further. I didn’t buy food, and from the bus I was told to wait outside. In the bus Dustin didn’t say anything to me. At least I don’t publish fake statuses on Facebook that I greet everyone I know.

I arrived in Preevytip at 12:30. I got off in front of the Stokovna. I waited on the same place again. There were 20 minutes left until the ending of the 6th lesson, yet I was worried not to see the mines. I called mum who told me there are taxis for Zlox every 10 minutes.

Andie passed without saluting me. There were lots of new characters that timeslot. I and Gloria saw each other. I prayed to find taxi faster, but my previous prayers to get closer to the mines were stronger: As soon as I saw a figure with shaved hair I recognised Ducky coming, walking with Firk this time without bandage on his arm. We looked each other only. Shortly, they were coming in my way, again we looked each other with Ducky, they decided to sit close to where I stood. He didn’t say anything to me. OK, if he wants us to act like strangers, it’s not a problem for me.

I spotted Stanley and A.B. sitting from the other side.
-Take a picture of us! Take a picture of us!
Was exclaiming the Firk. I looked at him. He wasn’t saying I to take a picture of them, but his friends from the other side of the road to take a picture of us. They refused. Soon Preevytip was filled with the same people as I knew it. Denise’s brother sat between the Firk and I, I even thought that John’s name was Christian, but he didn’t come to me. I haven’t seen that much haterism since May. I could only partially hear what Ducky and the Firk. I had that killer look again, but was ready to smile any moment. I thought it was the old story, a new me, but it was the old story, the old fake me in a new time. I felt exactly the same like in the senior year, I’m sure they felt what they used to in my presence. I even forgot I was waiting for taxi, although I carried another bag. Ducky told the Firk to tell me to sit, but he said “Leave him”. Let it be, let him keep ignoring me, and I will keep seeing what kind of injuries happen to him. I heard the Firk saying “boy” whereupon I turned around. It didn’t refer to me, it was said in reported speech. Ducky mentioned “Monument” and “Will he build the Tower of Babel?” , which I related them to me. Who’s gonna ruin it? The plus side was that they knew I travel to Stip and it wouldn’t be strange to them to see me some morning. Monkey was sitting next to Ducky and I gave place to George. I felt bittered. Like I said in the diary you will bite, but when you do, I won’t guarantee you there won’t be poison in it. Ducky mentioned that someone walks “feministically”. I’m glad he doesn’t have the same opinion about me. Not even one taxi driver, so I started hoping that I’ll have a bus revival. I sat too. The students that were arriving stared at me. Martin asked me about my faculty. I didn’t look him at eyes all the time and I perfectly could. Why the fake me to use my well-trained abilities? Immediately Brian who was looking at me came too. He saw I wasn’t applying “his” rule. Dean sat next to me. Sarah passed, but didn’t notice me. The bus was late which didn’t favour me. When it arrived I intentionally entered among the last ones. The honest Nick asked the driver:
-How much does it need? 30? (ready to reach my wallet)
-Come on (showed with his hand) – he let me go free.
I had that scenario in mind.
-You’re a student too. – It was Dave sitting with George (the one who discriminated me) behind the driver.
I quietly said “Dave”.
On the same side were sitting A.B. and Stanley. They wanted to find a place for me.
-Nicky where to sit? – said A.B.
-There isn’t there?
-No.
A.B. felt I was looking at him, so he looked at me as well: I dared to say “There’s no place”. I remained standing next to them and right behind was Brian with Ashley Fox. At last after 130 days I was in the bus for real. I meant something to the driver. I was at the edge of feeling proud.

Brian showed gestures to both A.B. and Stanley about me, but they didn’t undertake action.

Dean sitting in front of Stanley commented on my return to A.B.: “He came back and look at him like he doesn’t know us”, but stopped looking at me when I looked at him. So, they remember me by good. I mean to him. Thanks. If he wanted to know why, he should’ve asked me.

In Ratabitz, before he got down the Firk said to me:
-Nicky come sit here.
“Nicky” from him too.
-Where?
-Sit here.
I sat next to Marcus Superman.
-Ask him something.
Tribute to Ducky’s “Ask him something” to Rob.
Superman wondered:
-What should I ask him? (he was smiling) Do you know Maths?
Why everyone with that Maths?
-Not quite.
The smiling guy in front of him who I thought it was Neil turned out to be… Rob D.. Superman went on:
-How come you don’t know? You are all As.
I was smiling too, but I had no comment to it. He said:
-Sit there, ____ (some short name I couldn’t recognise) will come here. Sit next to Johnny. ____ will come here.
-Who will sit here?
-Go there. … Very hot here, to stretch myself.
Now I was serious. What? I to stand up in order he to stretch himself?
-Raise that on the seat he to come – he said to Johnny who didn’t obeyed him. -… Johnny raise that on the sit this one to come.
Johnny did it.
-Go.
Although I wasn’t the one who should ride with this bus, the driver permitted me. I had right to it. Yet, I obeyed God – “Be wise as snake, but meek as dove” – I moved letting him live at the moment. Many were looking at me including Ducky from the back. He was probably sitting with the Firk. New change.

On the way out, I didn’t give advantage to Rob D. as a part of the real me. I kept looking them from the gate. Grandma was asking me if I wanted to eat peppers and cottage cheese, I didn’t feel hungry even though I had eaten only 2 small chocolates. Had I lost my appetite in the not-so shiny reality or my stomach was spiritually full?

Upstairs, through my window I saw Lester and the company going home. Lester neither said neither showed a thing to me, another guy upped his middle finger to me.

Newsflash: Barbara is an aunt now. It’s a boy as she said last time.

I will remember this day.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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