Tuesday 25.09.2012

Finally the day officially the lectures started.

Again, I waited for the school bus to pass first.

Luckily the bus stopped in front of the Mining faculty. I found the Amphitheater 2. On my entering I spotted a male in the third row. “Should I sit there?” The first two rows were mostly girls, but there seemed to be plenty of places there. As I was walking, the last boy in the third row became aware of my intention. I came closer… but I changed my decision and I let the empty places from the second row to rule with me. However, I sat one seat away from the girl. And then a just arrived girl said to me:
-Can you move one place further?
Without a word, without smile I moved. There were very friendly colleagues.

The Mathematician Jeffrey looked like a typical strict professor. He utilized “fuck up” in the first five minutes speaking about not having an index number. He confirmed we have had a lecture, that those that said we wouldn’t have lied to us. The professor checked if we brought notebooks and when it comes to the format, I was the first impact to him. Almost everyone had A4 format notebook, mine was A5.
-Where are you from? – He asked me.
Literary everyone in the room was looking at me.
-From Zlox.
He commented that Mino didn’t teach us well. Similar case was a student from Kratovo. When asked she didn’t knew Mino, I said I did. When he started writing on the blackboard, I put my glasses on.

When the list about who were present, arrived to me, I was hesitating whether to write my name on the place for the section for the first lecture. So far all the signed students had their names in 2 columns, but all of them didn’t raise hand that they were absent the first time. What if only I remain without the first lesson? So, I signed for the first lecture too. I immediately repented: Why did I lie? I allowed myself breaking some minor Christian rules during this period, but not a God’s commandment. How did I put something else on the first place, but God? How come I forgot that there will be a surplus of signed ones from first lecture? But I was willing to go. I was lied to.

We learnt about matrixes. The professor kept saying that only 10% of us will be engineers. He also said we that sat distanced from the desk were disabled.

On the break, colleague told Andie that she didn’t attend on the previous lecture, but signed as she did. She was smiling to her sin. As I heard Andie told her she was crazy. Then a guy approached me pulling his hand towards me. Finally the moment I’ve been longly waiting. But as soon as our hands touched I realised I knew him – it was Nelson, Steven’s friend from his generation, the one who never returned me 20 denars he took from me on an excursion in elementary school, he who “Helloed” me on the road in senior year. He asked me if Steven calls and if I’m on Business Computer Science. He was sitting in the first row, next to Andie.

Before the second Maths part, the professor was discussing with a student asking him if he signed that he wasn’t on the initial meeting with him. He looked at me, I was quiet. I had a chance to correct myself now considering that those who attended the first time were given a list, anyway it would lead to another lie – that I “didn’t know” that the first column should be for the index numbers, “assuming” that the second column stood for the second lecture and then “I’ve” “realised” the mistake. Nevertheless, if the next time after he compares the lists says sth to me about the inconvenience, I will admit my mistake. Whatever he does to me, surely won’t be worse than what God would do to me if my repentance wasn’t enough.

Jeffrey read us in which group we belong: Luckily Dustin Easton and Nelson were from first, but Vanessa Marksberry was from the mine. Furthermore there were 3 other “Nicks” in my group. He told us we’ll have 3, not 2 lessons as we expected. On the next pause I turned around just to see Andrea sitting exactly behind me, few rows backwards. The tasks that we learnt were hard to me and I wasn’t active. The internet technology professor seemed very meek.

I wasn’t satisfied that I didn’t sit next to a male, but I knew that the real me will explode sooner or later. If anything else, anytime I can publish my diary.

On the road when mum asked me if I had met some colleague, I said “it doesn’t matter”. I regretted for the lie. W… Why I allowed them to make me to a profane life? If from the beginning I went after those footprints, I could be much better than them in the godlessness but… They provoked me. I won’t allowed this any further.

Starting from 12 o’clock I walked across Stip. In the end I was turning in circle, before my mother corrects me.

In the bus, the seats were getting busy and as soon as saw “Monkey”’s father I wished he’d sit next to me. He did.

Behind the passenger behind him was Greg who didn’t say anything while passing me – he was probably disappointed that I wasn’t saving him place. The “villains” are cleaning as never before. Love them!

Back at my co-sitter and I – there was action. In fact, there were multiples. Read:
It was very hot to him, and I gave a comment “Especially this day”. He wanted I да to set the curtain. He asked me if the many passengers were for Preevytip and Zlox and after my “There are for Preevytip and for Zlox too.”, he asked me where I was from and to who I am. He said he and my father were friends mentioning that he’s retired, that he helped on our grder, to which I asked him if he was from Ratabitz. I knew it, but simply explaining him that I “spyingly” knew him from before would’ve been harder to explain. The truth is I stared from the window when “Monkey” and he came in Zlox. I asked grandad about his name, it was Nicholas. Anyway I asked Nicholas about his name. Unconsciously I was smiling to him to which he responded, but I understood my reaction, so I refrained. Smiling comes naturally when there are good people around me – as they originate from God, it’s like I become closer to God. He inquired about my schooling, about transport, about dad’s and grandma’s pensions, he commented that she pays for my transport and the chat redirected to Sammy and Steven and their family. After his statement that uncle Steward is “the least workman”, I filled the gap with the thing that he had an attack although I’m not sure at all whether it was attack or ulcer. We got quiet and then:
-Is there some pussy?
-(I smiled) There isn’t.
-Why?
-Well, until now I was very shy.
-You should get relaxed.
-I will now.
I said knowing that Ashley’s cousin, Al was listening behind Nicholas. My interlocutor told me that he caught a certain Zloxer two years younger than me, whose identity I’ll put under protection because it was told in confidence, by a person I greatly respect, “fucking one in the ass” near the school. I was surprised, is that what they really want? He answered that although it was evening, it seemed like day and that the girl saw him, but wasn’t ashamed. Then he said a joke about some conversation with the kid’s father sth like: “He’ll push, he’ll push, then he’ll cover it” to which I laughed. Wow! Yes, this is me! I wanted to use a vulgar word in the sexual sense, but my heart didn’t know of it.
Someone called him. I didn’t ask him for Monkey.

He was travelling to Preevytip. On my way out, I saw the N.N.B. principal. As I could see he was looking at me with his eyes, but I didn’t salute him.

Home, mum had taken a black blouse for me to try it. It fit me well, but dad classified the black colour as “not for young people”. But it’s Ducky’s favourite colour…

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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