Monday 17.09.2012

The start of a new era of mine. A new leaf in my life. The real me?

I woke up before mum called. The decision that I was supposed to make was worrying me more than my faculty choice. Dad’s “go tomorrow at 10 alone” from last night sounded quite reassuring to me, but I had to decide on my own, I made my mind: at 10 o’clock.

I explored my eyebrows problem on the Internet: I wasn’t the only one with the gap, and the solution was shaving them completely and drawing them with a pencil. I expect full results in a month.

My desperation led confessing grandma why I couldn’t look at her. She consoled me it’s not serious unless I tweeze them from the bottom.

At 9 o’clock I went out of home.

I met my sexual abuser, Bob who asked me where was I going. I told Madeline “Good morning”. Dad joined me from grandma Gina’s house. Victoria saw us (before I leave grandma “warned” me that she quitted her job) and she asked me why haven’t I already left. Dad got involved, it was conversation between me and her. I know with what kind of tears had I earned that, it wasn’t fair, but I gave her a clearer answer stating that the lesson started from 11, after what I asked her if Ethan left. He did and I didn’t have what to say. Even while waiting for taxi a kid smiled to me – sign for a good year. I was in a good mood and nothing, neither my bad eyebrows could interfere it. Dad got me in a taxi with Lesie and told him I to climb off at the bus station. The driver asked Lesie why there, so it remained unknown to them. They choose. I was sitting alone on the bench, other students were coming and Derek V. surprisingly was one of them. To what? He said nothing to me when he passed to get ticket. As it should, the villains are getting cleaned. Originally, I planned to get a ticket from the driver, but all those students changed my mind, after I bought as well. In the previous bus there was barely place, in this one, I sat alone.

The bus stopped at a campus, but I wasn’t sure which one was it, so I kept riding although most of the students got off. The next bus stop of the bus was the bus station. I made a mistake but it was funny to me. Through the phone mum guided me where to go. In the distance there were girls, for which we assumed they are students. Soon, on approximately 15 metres distance, I recognised the girl in the middle walking right in front of me – Andrea. In the middle? The other girls were looking aside, she didn’t. She wanted to avoid me? I eventually was walking a metre behind them. We entered in the yard and soon I intentionally lost them choosing to enter from the side where the boys were. The big crowd didn’t allow me to sit, I stood in the front next to a male. I was at the end of the left side, Andrea of the right. Five deans from different engineering faculties had their speeches about the importance of the faculty education. I sweat. There wasn’t where to put my jacket. Our next task was to meet with the lecture rooms. In the hall while I was following the dean:
-Nick where are you?
Finally, Andrea. I asked her if she moved, and if she was satisfied with it and I inadvertently gossiped that mum told me she wasn’t. She was, although she had 4 roommates and invited me to visit her. I refused, saying “First you get used to” meaning “Maybe when I’ll find male friends first”. She asked a professor about where the computer science students should go. On the designated destination, there was noone, but some girls, of who Andrea asked one are they computer science students. They were, they guided us where the responsible one was explaining the rooms. The asked girl by Andrea “lived” in the dorm where Andrea was – room 18 – only 3 rooms away from her. They met each other, but I was reserved, even though Andrea told her we were walking together as the only ones from Zlox and that I was the first signed in. Walking with the girls, I didn’t want to be seen. Was my past haunting me? In the hall Andrea stood with an acquaintance of hers, I used the chance to get rid from her following the employée. In her office, I saw her name was Victoria (another one) and we were there for those students who wanted to be in the same group (yes, it was allowed) as they were dividing us in two groups. I had a chance to group me and Andrea, but I didn’t accept it. And then… There he was:
-Dustin … Easton.
– my new Facebook friend. If he already had a friend why he added me at the 1st place? I looked at the door, it was Andrea standing, but the one I called Andie. Contrary to what most people would do, she kept looking at me, I said “Hello” to her. She came towards me and asked me if they told something. On the phone the dean told Victoria we won’t have lectures this week and earlier she said we won’t have anything on Monday. It meant happiness to me. My eyebrows won’t look the same ‘till then. Bravo!

Lastly Victoria toured us (supposedly those that weren’t the first time) to inform about the location of the lecture rooms and the amphitheater 2. The way she looked, the way she explained and the way she communicated with us, reminded me of Adele. She left us indicating the place where the smokers will smoke – OUT.

Out, I sat on a bench, called mum. Unconsciously, I started giving her report, but I stopped after “she moved, and I asked her how is it?”. Mum didn’t know me as the one who asked “How”. Another guy on another bench was also on his phone. The kids were returning from school and I wasn’t afraid to look at other guys. Why, I was one of them. As my surrounding was cleaning from people, I went towards the town. I was alone again, just like my past waitings after school, but I didn’t have what to worry about – they’ll bite as soon as they see my real abilities.
cica-maca-kakao-01 - CopyWandering across the town I found myself on the square. I also found Derek V. sitting with his friends on a bench <of course, he was at the end>. He didn’t spot me, so I passed along them wordless, but then – he looked at me. I only gave him a sincere slight smile, overshadowing my future. Although I passed along the same area twice, I managed to find my way back. Mum told me to buy a chocolate, I chose “Cica Maca”. A taxi driver asked me twice: “Will you go to Zlox?” but I refused him having a return ticket. I ate the chocolate bar leaned a wall near block of flats.

On the bus station, I decided to wait inside, as it was still early. From the glass I saw Dustin, the new Ducky looking at me.
-Nick. – I read his lips.
-Dustin. – I smilingly mouthed as well.

Later, the girl sitting from Dustin’s right with another girl grabbed my attention. She had tracksuit like her, her tied hair and her glasses were typical for her, she was thinner but she had the same eyelashes, the same look… it was her Miss Asslicker. She saw me and she acted like I wasn’t there at all. Enough time I allowed her to lick my ass, it was time to flush her in the water. Dustin turned around showing me some sign I understood as “come out”, but I didn’t want to spend any time with the Asslicker. He then checked if the bus was at 2 o’clock. After a while, the girl next to her left, but wasn’t Sarah as I had thought. Derek V. took her place joining those friends of his. He saw me at least twice. There was a sign dedicated for the bus we waited. I thought it was “the last call”, so I rushed out. I didn’t want to pass along D.V. again, so I went to round the bus in front of him. But then the bus was leaving and I saw the “Creshovo topche” bus was coming. The gone bus revealed me alone. I was stupid and this time it wasn’t funny. My consolation was the fake me. Eventually we climbed in the bus, I sat on the second seat and:
-Is it free next to you?
Bus fate.
-It’s free.
He sat next to me and we switched our places as I was coming out first. Honestly, I expected a conversation about the first day, but he didn’t ask me a thing and my eyebrows were obstacle I to ask him. It was shortly after two o’clock, I was riding in a bus and a Ducky was sitting next to me. If only it was the old one…

The feeling was half of the one that I had when I was sitting next to a mine. I was prepared to act like a male (tag: spread legs), but I didn’t look at him often.

When the bus arrived to my destination, I stood up and told Dustin who had his eyes closed:
-C’mon Dustin, see you.
-C’mon, greeting.

Home, mum told me further, instead of walking alone to the bus station, to say to Andrea to go with her and her friends. No, I won’t be their fifth or sixth lady, I AM a male. I won’t humiliate myself always to be the last in the group. I mean I can, but… the experience speaks for itself. It screams!

I rested after my lunch. After my lying, M. came “on cake”. He wanted me to tell him about Stip and I told him, of course only those things I wanted. On his leaving his mother arrived. She also wanted to tell her. Grandma R. came upstairs as well, M. left. He was kind of judgmental about my not asking where were we when the bus stopped. Grandma R. was wondering how he knew having I reached a decision not to give report. But… let them think I gave them. I only said the things I wanted them to hear, the rest, my ultimate best remains for me just like it did last year. God, the saints and I believe in me. Grandma D. told grandma R. that it doesn’t make a difference my uncle knowing it. But…:
-Wasn’t there anyone to ask in the bus?
-There was, but when they humiliate me, I’ll act that way toward them too.
What? Wasn’t revenge a sin? Was I hurt by Derek Veach? No, it was the fake me. The real me doesn’t want to have anything with him due to his double-facedness. As I wrote on Facebook: Just don’t you ever be ashamed of me.
-Who will humiliate you? You excellent student… Who?
The female version of “Who”.
I don’t feel bound to explain. Simply the girls aren’t my competition.
-It doesn’t matter… You started to transfer negative energy to me too.
She stopped. She told me from the beginning they not to notice me that I am shy. I have all planned.

I was peeking from the window, dad said to grandma D.: “I have no nerves anymore”. I said “Who cares” even though it was his birthday. Then, I went on the window again and somebody said “Nick”. Mum took over. Those were Rosie and Sandy. They were asking mum about my faculty, but dad didn’t allow her to speak not to envy me. He reveled Ethan’s mother told him Ethan was on “Architecture and …” something she couldn’t tell, but later M. on Pigs exposed he was on “Tourism”. Why would we take example from her? Why would we lie if we’re Christians. Deeds show he’s only one on word. Isn’t God more important than the bad people? And if he believes in Him, how come he doesn’t believe He’s stronger than the envy? In fact Rosie and her daughter would only be happy for me. Why not to share the happiness? It only lead to this conclusion: pride. That’s what happens when a marriage is constructed out of physical appearance. In fact mum can oppose him, but as a mentally unstable person he’s all the time on medicines, so…

Then the other grandma unintentionally wondered “Why don’t I slaughter her” – the chicken that didn’t lay eggs. I snapped. Later, in private mum told me that the priests slaughter animals, but I said they buy them to slaughter them. I hate when somebody does stuff behind my back. I was nervous, but I did it out of love.

Sarah mentioned that some Tailor Preston was one of the two students who raised hand Chemistry. Tailor Preston Poocky? Brian’s girlfriend? She confirmed she was Poocky, so a new surprise for me. Not Lester, but some other link. Interesting.

Before I go to bed I checked our new timetable on the Internet. It was very complicated. Many gaps for waiting. A disaster.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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