Saturday 15.09.2012

Aunt Tricia came to make ajvar at our place. I was afraid to come out because of my new eye-brows, so I knockingly called mum. I wanted she to draw the missing parts with crayon. Why I did that to me?

Preslikani vegi

If only I could have them back… People know me with those eyebrows. However, I learnt to value my life more . The mines accepted my appearance, why didn’t I dare? Finally, after my failed targets, after seeing how much I appreciate the spiritual things, God made an other side to find me. Even though I intensively wanted those guys as friends, it wasn’t the real me in front of them ‘cos like I said others would have abused it and I meant specifically Elaine and users who would have consider they are closer to me than the mines seeing me open for friendship, they would have “attacked” in action, so I would have had to use unchristian methods to avoid them. But I have done more horrible sins than that…

They say on Facebook to use the opportunity for love, not to forget the regretting for not trying. But my situation was complicated, I chose the Lord.

I felt very sorry for not opening to them, so, I cried. God connected me with great kids and I failed HIM. I won’t miss marvelous chances like those in future.

I prayed for my eyebrows to grow faster to every saint I could remember and to God. Did I deserve it? Like the devil saw I can go over the spiritual things, so he decided to turn over towards the bodily. Here’s the problem: I do appreciate the spiritualism more, but I’m afraid the others surrounding me don’t.

Sarah surprised me when she realised she might come in Zlox on Thursday with THE bus. I said:
-You’ll spy in the bus too.
I want to know how things are going now. There must be more space, but how much? When I asked if she would ever come on Friday with the bus ‘cos then they have only 4 lessons, she told me yes, but first she would go home to leave the books. SUPER.

I told Sarah I was not sure if I was ready for the faculty, she said “like every beginning”. How much time I had to prepare? I felt ready, but it was before my eyebrows were damaged. Now I feel I have less self-confidence. I regret. I was so close, even counted the days, but… setback of a new type. Why?

I was in the little room, while dad, aunt Tricia, mum and grandma were chatting in the yard. Dad told he lied to Lilly (a shop assistant) about my faculty. Apparently she asked him three times what I signed to and his answers:

  1. “Something on natural mathematical”
  2. “Something on philological, on philosophical but I don’t know exactly what”
  3. He didn’t say it, but it was lie, if there was a third time

All because he thinks Lilly would envy me. Grandma thinks she is afraid that if I had signed to medicine I’d become richer than them.

After a while my father doubted in me:
-And if he starts not to buy food, fuck his mother.
And later aunt Tricia added:
-I don’t believe that Nick will buy food. In Preevytip he didn’t want to buy that he waited… Let him bring something from home, tiganica…

Fact: not believing in me.
Plus side: I wanted that.

I won’t allow myself another year of crying. God won’t allow it.

This is why I refuse to give my parents reports about my student’s days. They don’t believe in me. Even if they say on word, the deeds prove the opposite. Lots of times my father and my grandad chose other kids to ask question that I could’ve answered, but gradually my grandad my goodness was replacing only with sincere goodness and it’s not even wonder that I chose him. My father continued believing that others are better, continued to gossip me… I appreciate when people say my flaws in face. I understand it as a goodwill that they want me to change. That’s why I trust to so few people. The results are stunning: they return my love the way I want, so that I’m always happy to spend time with them.

In fact, I should think about whether to tell my parents what did I buy or not to talk about that at all with them. As the things are, my father would only abuse it.

I then cried again for my missed chance with the mines. My body continued to tremble, my arms were tight, I was contracting, and the tears didn’t ask when to fall. A real spiritual pain caused by a spiritual reason. The mines brought immense happiness in my life. Why did I allow to live in hope only?

I wished from God to bring me the mines. Shortly after, Lester with another guy was passing. I wasn’t prepared but he had a great meaning to me. I appeared. Lester turned his head towards my house. He had a rare occasion to see the real me in tears and snots. I instinctively got back a little. He immediately withdrew his view without repeating it. My father was further. I believe Lester didn’t notice I was crying, it was far. Waiting for him to return, I saw Rob D. in a car. Our relations were frozen and I felt guilty for it, yet I am the one who continues to hope.
My glasses were fixed and quite skillfully covered my “cut” eyebrows, which the bangs didn’t serve for. Mum advised me to wear them all the time, but… People don’t know me walking with glasses. On the other side the eyebrows. Is this a sign? My decision is to bring them in sheath and put them to my eyes in front of computer or for unreadable text on blackboard – by need. Should I?

For how much time my eyebrows will get the old shape?

One thing is for sure: The faculty will certainly bring many new challenges, for how many of them am I prepared?

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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