Sunday 09.09.2012

I was awaken by this dream:
I was walking alone on the road and Alex from the opposite side, made a half circle to stop me wanting to know why I stare from the window. Soon, I was walking behind Lester, accompanied by two friends. I dared to walk in line with them. The tall guy asked me something and he hugged me. I wanted too but… it was still the beginning. A mother and a child came from the other side, I was shy to look at her. This wasn’t the light she knew me in. When our house was visible, I expected the guy to pull off his hand from me, but he didn’t kept holding it. I asked about his name, but I got another noun expressing his astonishment about me not knowing it. We split, my father who saw us from the window told me “call the males” as they were looking from the door. Of course, not “your friends”. They were eager to come and they entered in grandma’s kitchen. Sitting with my family would mean not the Nick they know. I cared about them. I said mum I wanted we to go up, they agreed, stood up and… I woke up. What a wonderful start. How will I balance between my family and friends? Or my family will be showed the cruel version of the real me?

M. was angry because of my not coming at their place. I just said I want to, not that I will. He said “The end”, but I knew it wasn’t. Mum just needed to mention “computer” to convince him to come. He did.

Aunt Tricia wanted me and mum to go with her and her children to the Fishery Sammy to treat us for his scholarship, I was against it as I didn’t want to be with double-faced people. However Steven dropped, so I agreed, with my father along.

There, we saw Mary and her boyfriend with friends. I drank Schweppes, Sammy celebrated his scholarship with Shopska salad, trout and pancake. I didn’t want to eat as I had lunch home, but mum took a piece of everything from Sammy’s and she along with aunt Tricia were convincing me to eat it. They exaggerated with begging, so I firmly decided not to eat the fish and the two pieces of potato.

The current minister for transport and connections, the mayor of Preevytip and several friends of their sat next to our table. I was ignoring mum, but she was listening to herself.
-You act like insane – I expressed my opinion.
Aunt Tricia took offence. I snapped in front of the politicians:
-Mum if you continue to beg me this way, I’ll leave on foot!
-You made me nervous. You succeeded.
I wished not to go anywhere with my parents anymore. It’s me. Why did I have to try everything that Sammy ate? Why didn’t they respect my “No”? Yes, I am a male, but I was treated like a child. Why didn’t my family sometimes bring me this way? Was it all just twinges of conscience?

DSC00031 - CopyI took the pancake piece, but mum packed me the fish‘s tale and the potatoes.

There was a little (assumingly) four-year-old girl at the table in front of ours that I looked at and smiled and she was hiding from me behind the chair. Eventually, she told her mum. The mum said:
-Not there. The uncle will scold you.
It was the first time I got called “uncle”. OK, I didn’t understand it as serious as the first and only time a kid greeted me with “Good afternoon” and not “Hi”.


Macedonian pianist Simon Trpcheski

I didn’t go with dad and Sammy to see the wolves as I wanted to avoid an inappropriate Mary-and-I situation. The new guests at the table in front of ours included Simon Trpcheski in them.

After a long taxi wait we were home and there, I heard the conversation in grandma’s kitchen from the hall. This time Tricia was open:
-Nick has become very nervous. Aah very nervous. When he yelled at us there. What was it for? Aaah “I’ll leave on foot”. Stubborn.
Like the cubes are coming toghether. Day by day more and more successful. Bad version for bad people.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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