01.09.2012

New day. New month. I feel ready for it. The weather and the atmosphere while we were making ketchup felt like it was an autumn weekend when I went to school.

On the breakfast mum told me that the previous day in Stip she saw Vanessa and her mother and went at them while I was filling my data. The mother said “I wish them luck. Let them hang out.” I thought mum said the last thing, but she didn’t.

Dear unnamed lady, of course I’d like to have well-established relationship with your daughter, but I wouldn’t like anything beyond it as long as I don’t form a strong friendship with a male colleague of mine, regardless of how good Your intention is.

I will not do the same mistake befriending girls first. In fact I know now to deal – if some girl (other than Andrea) shows affection towards me before I have a really good best friend and if my ignorance isn’t helpful enough – I’ll just give her love or sexual comment. Experience says she’ll stop – that Ashley with Chrisy and Max – remember?

Mum also wanted to know the reason why am I in the bad mood these days, having chosen a phone from the catalogue. Well, the material obviously doesn’t mean to me as much as to her.

While I was in the yard, I heard mum confessing to Susie on the phone that she would have let me go on holiday with her colleague Mary Padgitt, not with Liza. And all this time I thought the problem was me. Trust issues. Simply, she can’t understand Liza’s (and mine) personality diversity.

Dad thinks that with the high participation for faculty, VMRO returns its money spent for the free transport for the high school students. Why just now he found to talk about this? Earlier the participation was smaller?

Later, while I was reading the T-mobile catalogue M. came. I had my PC turned on, but I didn’t get to log in. He said to me:
-Whenever I come, you’re writing all the time.
He started to provoke me:
-Еh what, to look at you?
-Yes.
-And what are you? A star?
-I’m your uncle.
I stopped opposing. Regardless of the fact is he my relative or isn’t, his soul is my only measurement for my attitude towards him. Frankly, “I can’t wait until I publish” my diary.

I decided to sleep with M. the following night as I have promised him before. While I was looking from their window, I felt happy for going through all of this (meaning: my social situation), at least I can handle it. I was so grateful to God for it. If this had to happen to someone, I am happy it’s me. God only gives us those difficulties we can handle them. Thank You.

After 10 p.m., in bed, going through the TV-channels wasn’t the only thing M. was doing.
-Will you sleep? Or you want us to talk?
-If there’s a subject.
-Let’s about the faculty. … You’ll get a girlfriend from there.
-If she’s from my generation – no.
-Why not? What was the Mancherian called?
-Andrea.
-Andrea will find someone to you. There won’t be just from here and from Stip. There will also be from Kochani, Vinica, Berovo… From Veles maybe there will be… They’ll make gangs.
Like I can’t be part of them.
-Before a while did any of those girls caught your eye?
Referring the girls that I looked from the window just after I arrived at them. Isn’t that lust? Love is supposed to be a spiritual thing. Falling in love with the soul.
-No. I wanted to find out what they were talking.
-And what they were talking?
Could you first fix your life and then care about mine?
-I didn’t hear them. I couldn’t.
-You are not looking that.

-On the faculty they’ll tell you’re hiding.
-And what? I’ll say to them “Are going to believe more to them who you don’t know or to me?”
He got quiet. He didn’t have a word.
-I’ll shout at them. I’ll say “how many favours have I done to you for homework”. I’ll be different.
So, I gave him a little preview of that that he won’t see: the real me. In fact if I opposed to myself just to see how they would think, it would be: “Well they are more, you are one”. And then: “You choose: me or them. But if you choose them, I don’t want you never to have sth with me.” It doesn’t sound christian, I won’t mean it, just pretend for a while. Of course, they won’t know it. Everything is planned.

-Andrea will find some female friend to you.
Well… well, I don’t feel need to explain.
-…Or maybe someone will make a pass at you, ah?
Uncertainty.
-Maybe.
-You will hide.
At moments like this I feel glad for not letting him know the best version of me. He doesn’t believe in me and it’s better. Few days ago he asked if I wanted to have a girlfriend. Just because I love the truth I admitted him. Actually, if I wasn’t religious perhaps I’d probably give him: “Not now. Further.” I want him to keep having a negative image for me. That’s how he’d use me less. He doesn’t even know if having a gf is a sin. I didn’t object him. Res, non verbis.
-They’ll ask you if there are girls in Zlox. (I can ask them the same about their place too. Everybody doesn’t think like you.) When they’ll ask you do you go out, what will you say?
-I can’t lie to them.
-You should go out like Andrea in Preevytip.
I’m the one who’s Andrea’s friend and because I enjoy that status, I know she DOESN’T go out. I don’t care about somebody’s fantasies. She goes to Preevytip because of her relatives.
-Who with?
-Go out you’ll find there someone from your female friends (of course). Who were they?
-Brenda.
-There with сo with Brenda.
Although I wasn’t in Preevytip, Brenda called me with her. But my current plan…
-…Why don’t you go out?
-It’s boring. I don’t wanna go out.
-When they’ll ask you “why don’t you go out” what would you say to them?
-If they don’t have understanding, it means they aren’t worth.
Like Chrisy and Maxi. I showed willingness to change, they showed willingness to help me. Real ME, really SIMPLE.
M. was quiet. Obviously he was the one without understanding.
I went on:
-They should have understanding about me.
-You should have understanding, like Andrea has understanding…
We lost frequencies. Just like when he read “Prada” as “Preja” and “Relax surf” as “Reléx surt” earlier that day while we were looking the catalogue. I didn’t listen to him further, it didn’t even matter.
He eagerly waited for the midnight to come. Earlier that night he asked me:
TV1000_logga-Do you watch “1000”?
-No.
-At all?
-At all.
I didn’t have what to be ashamed of, I wasn’t stifling my voice.
-Why don’t you do? They show movies.
-I have had enough of movies on other channels.
-But these movies aren’t shown on other channels.
I didn’t care.
He said:
-Ah Nick, if you get a job here at the school?
-Well nothing, I’ll work.
I acted acceptingly, but with masked feelings. Unlike my father, I love working with kids. Unfortunately it’s just a fantasy.

I had fallen asleep, but I awoke at 00:20 while Michael was changing the channels again. I tried to act like I sleep, but my urine couldn’t. After I went to the toilet and got back to bed, M. asked me:
-Nick, don’t you watch this?
I knew what, but I decided to use my acting abilities while I was turning around:
-What?
Luckily I didn’t see nudity, just a girl’s head being shaken. I turned back.
-You should watch.
I’m sure I shouldn’t. I remembered that sometimes at home after midnight I wanted to see if there were still the same actors (you know, for the old times’ sake), but I was afraid from God.
-You can watch on the Internet too. W, w, w, porno, com.
If only life was so simple. His life.

Ignorance seems to be the best solution.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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