28.08.2012, 29.08.2012

Tuesday 28.08.2012

Profane life!

DormitionMum was godmother in the church for the Holiday Dormition of the Mother of God. While standing next to the table, I saw that the priest and I were the only males there. When it was the giving away, grandma Rose was serving the others with wheat with the metal spoon, forgetting the plastic spoons mum bought specially for the occasion. Before that, she gave away just a few chocolate bonbons and put the others in her bag. I wanted to open the bag.
-I will give those to Sammy.
But it wasn’t for that. I put my hand in the bag she stopped me:
-It’s not just you.
Meaning: Sammy and her sisters. I just wanted to take the spoons out to serve their purpose. She didn’t understand, it was funny to me. The purpose is to serve the present ones in the church. She can send bonbons to Sammy whenever she wants, but she won’t see those people every day. Her grandson. Her. Selfishness. Doesn’t the more you give the others the more God will give to you? Why not others? Do you consider yourself to be better than Him? If she bought the bonbons, then she could decide what to do with them. Stop embarrassing mum and me.
Madeline was gossiped in the church’s yard as well.

Home, normally, our closest believers who returned from the church visited us. M. came too. If I want, I can discredit a person in a minute, but I obey God. IF I want.

originalMy whole family went in Preevytip, at aunt Tricia first. Dad joined uncle Steward at the barbeque, I was joined by the ladies inside. Steven signed on faculty in Skopje irregularly on Tourism. Dad called me outside to spread the bag while uncle Steward puts the grilled bread in. He couldn’t do it not to get smelly. I obeyed him, that’s how some people function. Deeds show that they consider themselves for more valuable than their own offspring. Dad and I went out, then we sat in the yard. Steward sat too. He commented:
-You and Sammy think a lot. You shouldn’t think so much. Only drinking and fucking.
-Tell him. – Dad supported him.
-…I asked Steven: “Are you banging something?” He says “Еh-еy I banged yesterday”. That makes my pleasure.
No judgment. I made myself clear not to answer the masturbating question, if asked.

Soon mum came and wanted me to go with them to see the new-ly arranged upper floor. I was undecided. Dad refused to go.
-What’s there to see? Sit here. Like there’s an aquarium to be seen.  – Steward sounded, and I was half stood.
I decided to go finding the excuse:
-They’re begging me.
-Later come again. (Yikes!)
The new chairs were like for hotel. Dad climbed up, too. Steward climbed as well urging for the lunch.  Saved.

Sammy was eating a lot, and I finished with the meal the earliest. The others were worried and begged me, but that was me – honest. I admit that I wanted to eat more, but I was saving myself for the possible evening pizza. And… it wasn’t the real me, I didn’t address aunt Tricia and uncle Steward, therefore I considered myself for unworthy to eat as much as I want from their food. (Tag: honesty) But I did want cake.

Steward asked me to which faculty I got signed, dad had told him “Business computer studies”, mum said “To you he said the rightest. Cause we’re relatives” He said to Rosie Bootage – English, to others – Law. “Not to envy us” They can envy us, but God is stronger than them. Due to his lies accompanied with cursing, all of my respect I had towards my father because of his reading the Bible fell in water. He studies Christianity only from a historical aspect.

Around 4 o’clock we went at Sarah’s. Dad and uncle Darren dominated.

We send dad home, grandma had left home and I, mum, Sarah and Marlyn went downtown where we immediately ran into Tricia and Steward. The man offered me to watch football with him. Again, I was undecided. Naturally, he sees me as male, but frankly I’m not interested in football. I was aware that it was the fake me and that most probably I’ll end up with the woman but I kept saying “I don’t know”. I respected him, He doesn’t treat me as gay “should I go”? No.
-Let’s all go there.
Mum saved the situation. We all headed to the playground, eventually uncle Steward departed us and we lost him. Mum left Sarah and I and joined my aunts. The match finished, Aneta (group Molika) started to sing and I, Sarah and mum went to the square. Aside from few mum’s colleagues we didn’t see anyone special as I expected. After we finally stop waiting for a place I ate whole pizza (omitting some ham). We walked a little and mum and I left to Zlox.

The day didn’t go as I expected. Next year I will consider well whether to go to Preevytip again.

 

Wednesday 29.08.2012

Grandma confided me that Steward told her to take me to a doctor because of my non-eating and because I was withdrawn, I didn’t make conversation.

Well, I can’t be sorry for choosing God over him. I know I should stay aside from that kind of sinners. On the other side… it works! You know I want some people to think I’m crazy. Those people aren’t real people. I have sources! Thanks!

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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