I went to wait for the bus alone, I went to school alone, I bought food alone, I waited for the bus alone, most of my afternoon and evening hours I spent – alone. Why the other had someone with them? Why not me? Where’s the root of it?
From my early childhood I remember hanging out with my cousin George, some kids found me interesting in the pre-elementary, in the early grades I chased with girls in the school yard, my teacher even slapped me once, until… they started to tell me I was withdrawn…
When something goes good and suddenly stops, there must be a good reason for it. 2, in my case. My father’s “bad period” greatly affected me. Unconsciously, again. I loved him so much and in any case I didn’t expect that he would disappoint me that way. So much, in order not to care about him when he was in hospital. The sexual abuse is another story. No word, no muscle of mine, no contraction of mine were enough. The strength ruled. Short event with life-long consequences. Men in my life greatly disappointed me. I was afraid not to be hurt again, like I was hiding in a shield, because they were more powerful. I was hiding, I was securing myself. But I was very, very wrong, I’d rather received small punches gradually, then to be knocked out at once.
I took the education too seriously, I dedicated myself to school, not realizing any need for friendship. I was the most peaceful in the class, so there was a period when often I didn’t speak anything with any of my classmates during the day. I was the best student from my class in sixth grade. From the present aspect, it is unthinkable to me to dedicate a Friday evening for a school commitment (unless it isn’t for a written work), something which I was doing back in the seventh grade when the guys from my class called me to go out with them. My parents worried and I unconsciously showed signs of closeness with girls.
When my psychologist asked me do I have need for friends, I replied affirmatively just to stop further development of the question, but I didn’t feel that way. I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. Having my parents protecting me, I didn’t need the using of the “friends”. When you keep sth repressed, it usually surges on the surface rapidly in large sizes. In high school I subconsciously released my need for communication, but they extinguished the class enemy using his weak spot – the school authority. I didn’t know the values of community, Brenda even called me a freak. It was easier to give up than to try. As a protection I had the opinion of some people: “He’s still little”, but I was growing up and not maturing. I was doing damage to myself. Unconsciously again. The psychologist directioned me at psychiatrist, as the talks didn’t help me to surpass the reason I was there. My second high school year was highlighted by my desk-friend – Brenda. She was buying food to me, she was talking to me, she was playing with me, we even kissed in mouth (according to her, when I turned to the other side to avoid a kiss of her in the cheek). I didn’t feel lonely. Dad started to run a diary about me. There were aggressive days, there even was a day when Barbara told him I had started to relax. The following summer I didn’t go to psychologist. The third year Brenda was in another class, I was close with Andrea, Sarah , Barbara and few others now-and-thens. Did I waste my time? On the excursion to Italy, I felt a need for friendship, I put on swimsuit, but they didn’t call me on the sea. I was patient, I chose an ideal friend. The result – nothing. First summer as I was longing after the Devil as a friend – I eventually gave up. I was looking forward that would have a full school year with Ethan, I gave up, again. Why I always looked them as superiors? Why I was always expecting something from the other side, not realising that I’m a side by myself?
I didn’t consider myself as gay anymore and the physical signs confirmed it. I didn’t have my homosexuality to blame for “hiding in my closet”. What was the reason then? Me?
I wasn’t satisfied with Adele’s distance towards me, that’s why I tried to provoke her with the quiz. A mistake again. Without or with bad results. More and more loneliness. The plus side was that I had a better image for my surrounding and I farly more appreciated the human relationships.
And then… (as I’m always objective I must write (no matter what my relatives might say) I feel big gratitude towards VMRO for the free transport) they discovered me – the mines. In this case, they were the first side to show interest in me. We were all from the same gender, approximate age, saw each other every working day… a mutual interest… I was very high-spirited… but I repeated the mistake I made with every unrealised purpose of mine – I looked the others as superiors. I had no power of my power. I cried, I thought I deserved it. The loneliness seemed more frightening than fear. Fear passes and the loneliness? I finally looked it in eyes and I didn’t want to continue. Anyway the religion has enormously helped me in finding the purpose of life. Spirituality has taken my life in a new, happier direction. If only everyone practiced it… Luckily I was able to realise that under the “me” everybody knew, there is a much more real version of Nick and didn’t use it as almost everyone did right after realising it. I kept being alone and lonely, but it was for a greater cause. They lied to me, they discriminated me, none of them chose me as a best friend (a.k.a. humiliated me), so they didn’t deserve to have the best version of me. Some of them thought I was crazy, and I wanted them to think I was crazy. Reason? To make a selection. At least I know who my potential real friends are. I feel normal with the same needs like the others, but the loneliness…
I could have exploded, but the little time left for me in school was whispering to me “No”. Despite realising it, I decided to be lonely. Fully aware of it.
I walked alone, waited alone, ate alone, sat home alone accompanied with utterly unpleasant presence of loneliness. Why others had company, not me? How come I lost myself through the years? Where am I now?
Now, I spend the days mostly alone. They say I to go on the river with M. (as even M. on Pigs goes with him), but I don’t want to. We don’t share the same mentality. I’m afraid he failed my test of confidence. Mum brings me to reason: “Your childhood passed like that and your youth will pass like that too,” “Your days pass like that.” I understand it, that’s why I’m hoping for better future. It’s a different thing if the others don’t believe in me. I know what I want, I’m able to do it and I am willing to do it. Isn’t that most important? However, now I feel more relaxed, sometimes I dare to approach to people that have a deep meaning to me. And I feel good. But the times they aren’t around… loneliness rules with me.
Nonetheless loneliness is a terrible feeling. Who wants to be lonely? Others have fun, I try to entertain myself on another way, but alone it’s not the same. Is loneliness a sin? Or perhaps it’s punishment for some sins? What did I do wrong and other didn’t? When, or more basically will it end?