My journals had my progress. That’s why I love them so much. It was like I spoke to myself, clearing the thoughts. It was the first thing when I didn’t have what to do. Unfortunately my school obligations, the internet and the TV shows had more priority. There were experiences I was planning to include, but I was so busy, so I left space. There were some situations it was thought to be written, but simply I forgot about them.
They were less significant, however they mean something to me as I still remember them. Here’s few:
- Time: Last summer
It was dark, Sarah and I were passing down the road. Two groups of guys said sth to me. As I remember, the first group saluted me, the second one asked me:
-To grandma’s – I responded.
At the time I couldn’t identify neither of the groups, now I’m very positive at least the second group was some of the “mines”. I guess that partially explains where have they been before. They’ve been analyzing me.
Reason not written: I wasn’t even imagining such a perspective future with them
- Time: An evening in the second half of the first semester last year
Don’t exactly remember how or what, but dad has shouted to the mines from the windows because they whistled me when they would pass in the evenings. That period, he eagerly wanted to find out who those guys were. I was sure only about M. on Pigs. I told grandma, she probably told dad. He spoke with Marcus alone. Fair? No, but some people aren’t even worth for that to be said to them.
Reason: I figured out what to write. It was supposed to be my introduction of the “mines”. After a long hesitation of mine, I was too busy to sit and write it.
- Time: A morning of a Thursday in the second semester
Andrea was either absent either sitting behind, Barbara sat next to me on Logic. She had forgotten her book and I forgot that she might want to read from mine. She was probably restless, so the professor warned to read.
-Nick doesn’t let me read.
I could defend myself, but was it worth for her? Coming from a person like that, I don’t even consider it for an attack.
-Did you ask it from him, so not to let you?
-A tip-top professor. I don’t quite remember, but I think B. (name not worth) lied she asked it from me.
-…If you had wanted, he would have let you.
She curled her tail, and I put the book between us.
Reason: I forgot the event when writing for that Thursday. Was supposed to do it later but… ; Top reason for writing this chapter
- Time: After 2 p.m., recently, presumably May
When the school bus stopped for we to got off, I had Brian and Dave behind me. I looked back, the second time I turned around Dave said “We’re here, Nucky”, the third time “We’re here, Nucky, we’re coming.” Connection.
Reason: Forgotten, a minor situation
- Time: Second half of second semester
On the 4th or 5th break, outside Irene asked me how did I lose weight. I didn’t know the straight answer, I told her I eat normally often having 3 meals a day.
I guessed it was because of nervousness, she said “If it’s because of that how much I need to lose”. It puzzled me.
I explained it to myself that some people lose weight, others get fat. Days later, home it occurred to me sth that might be the right answer. “My weight loss secret is crying”.
Reason: Two separate events in actuality, only one doesn’t make big sense by itself.
- Time: Beginning of second semester
I and Derek V. seemed to get along well the first semester. The closeness stopped in the second semester. Why? It was the period when my class played ping pong a lot on Sport. I didn’t have what to do, so someone has called me to join him/her. Like in the beginning of every sport, I was very weak and unprepared, my side was losing a lot, ultimately Ethan indirectly kicked me off. In fact it was Ethan who said that Derek V. chooses who joins him against Ethan and Derek P.. Anyway I was willing to resign but simply Ethan didn’t know the real me. It’s the best.
In the locker room later as I was the first boy to go out I heard the other guys were speaking about the game:
Derek: And Nick just misses.
It was unclear to me if the other guys supported him. It changed my opinion about Derek V.. According to me, he stopped showing interest about me from that situation.
I’m not sure of the reason why Derek V. and I stopped hanging out, but I’m sure I don’t miss him as a fake friend now.
- Time: Last days of the first semester
While waiting for the bus, I saw Mary Nickel and her boyfriend George for the first time as a pair, live. I forgot their exactly gestures, but they were happily holding hands, then they hugged cradled one for another. I realised that the male (in this case me) stops loving the female after she finds another one, not because he is afraid from the new guy, but because the girl undoubtedly is in love with her current one.
Luckily, I didn’t love her right before the romantic view. (2 years saved!)
Reason: Didn’t consider important for the context; then forgot it
- Time: Unknown, from November to March
After school, Darryl stood to wait next to me. He was asking me something about school about which he said “We’re fucked up”. I didn’t look at him though he expected to. Using his phone, he found his Ethan and Derek who were in our horizon. He went with them not calling me, but turned around. He thought I didn’t want to hang out and he wanted to respect my decision. Others will meet me, the real one.
Reason: Other events had priority
- Time: Some Friday, October
It was the day I got my History book. On Philosophy, Andy (the library man), entered and asked for 5 guys to help him. We were six in total, but I took responsibility.
-You, are you able to? – Andy asked me.
-I’m able to.
I joined the group. I think we omitted Darryl.
I was given an easier box with the freshly arrived books for delivery to the library. I finally got a History book of mine. We stayed longer than half a lesson as on the official list for given books, Ethan had mistaken he took a History and Andy was scaring him, he might not receive one and advised him when it comes to similar procedures like that. Andy said “We’re all males” (but not with same sexuality) and Andy, the student commented that now girls are more naughty, a girl wrote him on Facebook: “I want to squeeze you like a lemon”. I was happy I was with E..
Reason: Big event, postponed, eventually forgotten
- Time: Thursday, 15 March 2012 according to Facebook
On a break, Irene came to me and asked me two questions. Ethan ran this way asking “What that? What that?” He was just jealous that I was speaking to Irene. As usual I expected the other person to reply. She didn’t explain him. “We’re talking” – she said. On my fake Facebook, I published “It’s MY conversation and I won’t let you HAVE it”.
Reason: It was lost among the other events
- Time: September
Preparing for the first Economy interrogation, Kathy called me on the heating to explain her a lesson. I accepted and while I was telling her with the help of the book, she said: I didn’t call you to read from the book, I called you to tell me how you understood it. The thing was: I didn’t know enough. That’s why I didn’t apply for volunteer. I continued but after a while, she released me.
Reason: A minor event. Not important to the then concept.
- Time: Monday, 23rd of January
On the first school day of the second semester while I was waiting for the bus in the morning, Dave asked me:
-Nick are you fine?
-I’m fine. – I answered.
I didn’t pay attention on the event at the time, but when I was recalling it, I was happy to have someone who misses me.
Reason: Out of the diary’s concept, small event
- Time: The first quarter of the second semester
A morning while waiting for the bus, I heard Dave saying to his friends: “He has wrong understandings”. I assumed it was for me and I considered to have progressed ‘cos people used to consider me to be “Insane”. I’ve reached to a “person with wrong understandings” in people’s opinions. Yes, Dave, I had some wrong understandings. I hope I have overcome them.
Reason: Uncertainty if it was about me.
- Time: Wednesday 14 of March
It was the morning after the second episode from the new season of Survivor Serbia. Kathy, Sarah and Ethan discussed about their first impressions and spoke about the contestants:
Kathy: I don’t know everyone.
Sarah: Me neither.
Ethan: Me neither.
What was this? A “who’s more selfish” conversation? No, just a poor try to show they belong in the conversation.
Reason: It got neglected among the others events
And here’s 4 extras to you:
Time: Probably in the second semester (early-to-mid)
Remember when I complained about Ethan saying my name every time he addressed me?
During my maturation, I realised that sometimes people name other people a lot while talking to them because they are happy that that person is with them. I do it with my grandad, try it!
Reason: Not an actual event
Time: I guess at the first half of the second semester
“They” would whistle or call me, I would hidingly appear on the window and when they would be distanced enough some of them would have said “Vai” after me. I think it was Stanley’s voice in general.
“Vai” as a lyric of a song (Velocidade 6) by Mulher Melancia that I listen to my computer. I found out about that song through Darryl.
Reason: A marginal thing
I took my old journal to see the date for the first school day of the second semester and kept reading. The last event dating Tuesday 24.01.2012 describes Marcus and a friend of his offering me to sit. That friend was Stanley. I don’t regret for the choice.
Time: The first half of the second semester
While waiting in front of the Stokovna, a girl said to John that at home he was peaceful, unlike outside. I figured out he’s a complete oppositeness of me. It is important to have balance, but I don’t like the mine.
Reason: Never got to it
With or without these events, I believe I transferred the gist of my diary life. I’m sorry that I didn’t manage to place them where they belong, but at least you know about them. I will try to write the events successively in the future. Every event means more and more experience, better and better me. It’s time to explode, don’t you think? Soon.