Wednesday 15.08.2012

My singing in for faculty. Which?

Even before I got out of home, I hadn’t made my definite choice, yet I was more eager for Law than Computer Studies. I went accompanied with mum. In the bus there were Mary and her mother. I didn’t helloed them, but I did say “Hi, Mel” to Melanie on the next bus stop. Andrea entered there with her father.

During the ride, Mary’s mother and my mother chatted. She told her that for continuing her daughter’s 5-year faculty for Physio-therapist, they paid 1000 € after the third year, meaning: I also have to pay if I fully want to complete Law. At that moment it was equal to me: Law or Computer Studies.

– Think. – mum kept saying to me.

After we got off the bus, Andrea answered mum she was going to Computer Studies. She will stay in dorm. She changed my opinion. I didn’t want the Computer Studies because of the maths but if she could go…

After we got separated, a man told us, the faculty of Computer Studies is in Stip (Campus 2 as it said on the Internet, not away like the Law (Campus 4)), it was a plus side. Now and mum was more eager for the Computer Studies.

While waiting in line for the application, mum met a female student’s mother from Stip. The daughter had chosen Computer Studies. Dustin was there in front of us.
-Hi. – He said as soon as he saw me.
-Hi (quietly) Dustin. – I replied.
-Hi. – The mother imagined my “Hi” was addressed to her.
-Meet each other. – She said.
-Hi. – she first.
We shook hands.
-I am Nick.

Dustin told mum he was applying either for Civil Engineering or for Philological. Greg was there too.

We left to pay 280 to the college account in bank and in post office with “our partners”. The mother owned a fashion industry business.
The Mother: They will all be together.
Mum: They will be colleagues.
She already made her mind?

rektoratot_vo_stipFinally we headed at the rectorate to submit the documents. Just after we entered, I noticed two guys were looking at me. I looked at the more familiar one. It was Ethan who didn’t look at me when I did. Leaving the documents seemed the easiest part to me. I made my choice: I ticked Computer studies (Stip). Walking back:
-Nicky, what did you signed in? – It was Andrea S., Fred’s sister. Mum took over the conversation after my response. Andrea got signed in on Business Computer Studies – English. She had thought I’d have studied Medicine and she asked me if I knew what Ethan signed in. Mum answered it, as I wasn’t sure what was the question. On the road, I confessed mum that she speaks a lot and that she interferes. Andrea S., of which I would have Extra positive opinion of if we were closer, intended to talk to me, not with mum. Maybe I had my biggest enemy in my house. I thought that it was her one time pleasure. I will be alone from the start, but did she really want it? (Tag: not my age) “Don’t overshadow me, I can ruin you.”

We went to look mobile phones at T-mobile. We couldn’t purchase because dad wasn’t present.

Then she surprised me: She was heading me to an eye doctor (Susan) and to orthopedist because of my hunchbackness. Dr. Susan was on holiday, so went to the orthopedist in front of which I got shirtless and received a comment that I have a tattoo, meaning “Niggas in Paris” on my arm that I wrote with pen to remember the song told by Bill. After the x ray, he determined that I’ve got scoliosis and kyphosis and sent me to get measures for a corset on something called “Slavey”. The in-charge man explained us that he would need to wrap my torso in gypsum, that I will need a bathrobe and clean underwear because my old one would be dirty and the towel would serve for to clean myself after I get showered from the gypsum stains. It was complicated to me, so I didn’t listened all the time. I thought I we will cancel it, but mum took his number suggesting me that that she’ll postpone for some other time. However, after we went out, mum wanted I to do it then, I refused as my age allowed it, ultimately she managed to convince me, she bought underwear and a towel. My mood was down, and when I entered in that little “room” where he was supposed to finish his job with me, mum entered too, and stayed during the entire process. I got undressed. He asked me about my age the second time.
-What’s your name? – he asked me.
-Nick, why are you protesting? – due to my nervous behavior earlier with mum.
-I’m afraid. – I was aware I should be afraid from God only, but at that moment it was the only answer I could think of. “Embarrassed” would have been the right word but… (tag: the fake me).
-What are you afraid of, we don’t inject people like your mum.
Have in mind that I have been sexually disturbed. Even after 8 years, my subconscience haunts me.
He started to stick me.
-What’s the name of your girlfriend?
-I don’t have a girlfriend.
-Who are you lying to?
Even after he got assured with his eyes that I was a “mommy’s boy”, he couldn’t realise… or he pretended?
-I don’t have. Indeed.
He wanted me to relax my stomach, but if I did completely, I would have farted.
Wrapping me, he spotted the written on my arm.
-Sally is the name of your girlfriend, she left you a signature.
He couldn’t have been closer. I blinked and said:
-I don’t have a girlfriend. It’s something else.
-It’s not Sally. – he understood.
It probably was the sa read backwards in “niggas”. Perhaps I would have told him what it was, I would have certainly asked him about his name, was he married, how old was him, was he a doctor and where he studied, even though the windows space lacked the actual ones, connecting the room where mum should’ve been, but mum had to be there consequently the real me had to be replaced with the fake me. On his question, I told him I signed in to Computer Studies, mum corrected me that I have just submitted the documents. I believe in myself unlike some others.

He requested I to raise my hands. No, at least I’d cut some armpit hair. I obeyed him, but after he cut the gypsum realised I could only stretch my underwear from the back like the gypsum or freely him did it. He had seen my ass … and the front part was coming. At least what I could do was to protect myself, so I put my arms down.
-Raise your arms up.
It was my body, my choice.
-Nick, what’s the problem now?
Your outdated method.
-I don’t want You to see me naked.
Would I mind if mum wasn’t there?
-I don’t want You to see me …
-You are in your underwear, he won’t unclothe you. – mum overvoiced me.
-I won’t…
I raised my arms again, no word stopped I to see my penis when he unglued the last part of the gypsum. I guess he saw it too.

Even before he left, mum took liberty to warm and release water in the shower cabin, most probably to conceal my clumsiness. And not only that, she stayed when the “master” “got out”. She advised me how to act after the showering, and just when somebody would think she’s very experienced – she put the towel on the ground (then why she bought it?), so I was left she to clean me with the undershirt. Yes, she “got out” even after the showering. “Alone” I changed my underwear and got dressed. If I was an atheist, seeking for revenge and if it’d been the then real me, I’d have told him I was bi and that I enjoyed his touching. I wondered: what would’ve happen if I had been a girl? He didn’t ask me anything anymore. We left. On the road I found out his name was Vincent. An ugly experience was behind me – I was in bad mood, tired. Usually in situations like this in Zlox, I see someone I really care about. This time, in Stip, I saw someone from Preevytip: the real Lady Adele dressed all in black and Rob, her husband, were standing with a man. As soon as I saw her, I kept looking at her, cos she did the same too, unlike some people who pretend. She smiled at me, I knew what to say:
-Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon. – she replied.
-Hello. – mum saluted her.
-Hello. – she replied.
They shook hands.
-Hello Nick.
We shook hands.
It didn’t even occur to me that I needed to call her somehow.
Mum continued:
-I heard about you father. God rest his soul. (I got serious.) He surprised us. He drank his pills.
-Аh he surprised all of us…
I didn’t hear what they were talking as I was thinking should I look at her in face. I didn’t though.
– Come on. – Adele said at the end.

We were going towards the bus station. It looked a bit complicated to me the way from the station to the faculty, there was a shortcut but I didn’t remember it…

Waiting for the bus, Sarah (c.) called mum telling her that on the Internet there were 14 signed students on Computer Studies in Stip and I wasn’t one of them.

In the bus I talked smiled in front of Sarah. She saluted mum only. Who’s gonna stand her 4 more years? I had my first contact with Nomi, Virginia’s mother.

Passing through (partially) the same road, the feeling wasn’t the same like it was 3 months ago. The mines meant suspense, happiness to me.

Home, dad whispered mum “Whose decision was it?” If he can’t dare to ask me, let the others show their real them.

Bill and Dominic came and out of the blue, Bill asked me:
-Nick, why don’t you have beard?
-I don’t know. My peers have. There’s time.
-I have. – Bill said.
-Eeh? – Really?
-Yes, I have moustaches and here – showing on his chin.
-I have too. – Even Dominic.
If that’s the way, I have a lot.
-It’s still early for you.

M. came, Sarah called to notify that I was signed in and that I was first on the list. I checked, I had 98,8… points.

Meanwhile I officially got assured that Ethan examined school matura – he was last on the list of Architecture and Design.

Mum was proud of me, I wasn’t. Those points had meaning to me, in order to have enough to get signed in, not to be the best.

I, Bill and Dominic left at grandma’s, I did it just to avoid Michael, but soon after Bill and Dominic left at Ken’s and M. came home following me. Home, mum admitted she was proud I was the first, but it could be very discouraging to me. If they want me to be the best all the time, I’d need to try better and better all the time, and the effort, the nervousness…

Fortunately I have grown it and I set my own criteria. It’s much better. From all the living ppl I know myself the best.

I made a goof on Facebook, I accepted somebody who could be my future faculty colleague, some Dustin Easton from Kochani. He was my generation having no mutual friends, but his info had Sofia as his faculty place and there wasn’t his name on the list, but some Timothy Easton. Could it have been a mistake? The plus side is that others would be interested in friendship with me too, not just I.

From the 33 signed students to Computer Studies to UGD in Stip, 21 were males, good for me.

Before I go to bed: “Nick if you want for…” – Elaine had texted me an SMS, but I decided not to read it fully, not to feel guilty. Just like mum said “Let them write”. Favours, favours. When will I get rid of her? Out of the religion rules (cos she has broken them many times), if I asked for sex, would she give me?


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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