Wednesday 08.08.2012

Looking my old downloaded from Facebook pictures on CD, mum told me that Adele’s father died from heart attack in the Saturday or Sunday.

There was a picture from Lester’s class from last year with Leslie as the class master, but I couldn’t find him, so I assumed he must have been absent. I compared that all of the males had an equivalent from their semi graduation pictures, but one… It was him and his black clothes – Ducky’s style confirmed it. Just… he was fat. He is drastically slimmer now, things are getting better. The boy on the left side of the picture that resembled on Stanley when I saw him, now had his posture as well. I decided to check whether they are brothers when log in.

Before I go to bed, I dedicated myself to my old diary book. This is the 10th one. Going through the memories, I re-lived some situations with the difference that I wasn’t able to change them, many of which I have forgotten. In fact, I acted closer to the mines before I set them as a target. – I had no idea that Brian ever said to me “Sit down, man”. I wanted to continue their image they had for me. In order to avoid separation between us, with my shyness I was hiding my closeness with the girls, not the homosexuality! Was I successful?

No, but they still hoped in me treating me like a male. I regret now. Sarah (c.) once told me that isn’t a change for me to become friends with males from Zlox as they all know me like this, but that night I realised she wasn’t right. I believed in God and He gave me them. They believed in me. Rarely who does that. I don’t believe I’ll ever have so easy chance of finding good souls as potential friends. Why couldn’t I dare? Why I couldn’t just be me before I met them? Why did I believe the others are very, very better than me, so that I couldn’t reach them? Simply, why I gave up?

At least I tried and I don’t feel sorry for it, just for the way I did it. In the first year I was opened bringing my (as they used to call ‘em) “cheesy questions”, I directly opposed when I got chance, I expressed my attitudes freely, even I wrote quotes for the my so-called classmates in the back of my notebooks… until… then president of the class, Brenda livemessengercomplained the class master (for my notes), I got scared of the supervisor and… back to the old Nick, quiet, shy, reconciled to the “fact” that the others are better than him (ex. than Sarah and Mary had a 3 digit number of MSN friends), but aware that his apparent stupidity in front of the others means concealed collecting experiences so when he decides to shine in the real light, the others not to be able to reach him, without a date set

And there I was at some point in the fourth year having enough experience received, more religious than ever, with a great chance for friendships and a possibility of love, but… obviously I had considered that most people of my surrounding didn’t the deserve to have the picture of the real me… So I continued being fake, even in front of those that didn’t deserve it.

That night I realized that I’m not handsome, but when I go out I don’t go to a beauty contest. I didn’t use my intelligence and wiseness on the proper way. I didn’t use what God gave me. A sin. Has He forgiven me?

Lying on the bed I made my mind I to say sth first when I see Dave or Ducky alone, and to write on Facebook to Sally when I got chance.

I realised I’m normal. I know that, God knows it, ppl who love me know it, why would the others know?

Another forbidden event is the one that was supposed to be my Most Memorable Moment with Ducky. I have written that Dave called me NUcky. I guess the other guy have been Derr as they’re on the same age. My apologize. Now, I don’t have a favourite situation with Ducky. I guess it’s because I didn’t want to remember him because of one moment, I expected something more.

It felt strange to me to see that I have noted my sightings of the Devil in April, but of course, without hopes. I did it because I felt it was kind of game to me to see him literary every weekend. Just because of continuity, not that I noted every time I saw him waiting for work. Then… I missed few weekends; eventually I stopped seeing him with that frequency. For your information I don’t write every time when I see the mines, just the important ones. I am more mature now.

Not coincidently I consider the 4th year as my second-best high-school year. My favourite month of it is February.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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