Thursday, 02.08.2012 – Ilinden, “Zlox’s holiday”

I woke up after a dream in which we were supposed to go to school the school days from 20th May to 10th June. I can’t remember about the going, but about the returning I decided to get on the back door of the bus which turned out to be a van. I was separated from the mines, but I didn’t lose hope for the following days. Ethan came in the van behind me.

Back to reality on a meeting on the occasion of the dead fighters from NOB, dad asked Travis (N.N.B.’s principal) why wasn’t I chosen for the best student, the answer was “There was a commission. I don’t know who he is”. Of course, he withdrew from his fault on word, but my opinion about him is now waves lower than it used to be. I can’t believe how happy I was when he returned my greeting. There was a commission and he was part of it (along with the X-party persons like Willy and Tiffany’s mother who were artificially added for “regularity” and “objectivity”). But of course he knew the ass-licker. My readers, just as for you to know he stated on Pretel that the decision was hard to be made. She is the best only on paper and it’s a lie. Everyone there (except for Adele and Stacey – she was better than me on their subjects) who had supported her has part of the guilt and one way or another will pay for it. Mine is to relax, to forgive and to have patience. God is going to punish them at the right time with the deserved spiritual pain. And if they think it’s not a problem, they’ll handle it, let ‘em think twice – The wrath may be headed toward the ones they love the most – their children, even to third and fourth generation. Someone’s consolation would be to say that this is nothing compared to the others, but it’s our liberty to assume that they will make sins like this in the future and let’s not forget their past.

In fact it’s was the fake me, some of them never had a chance to see the real me – I win at this point. My message for them is: If something bad happens in your life, just remember me.

Love you, anyway (’n’ I should thank you for making me closer to Him).

… Our first guest was grandad Peter, then Tricia then Sarah with her parents. Aunt Marlyn told me Dustin asked when will we go to Creshovo topche. I’m not interested, especially after changing my mind about English. Steven, Sammy and their father flew in the room. I acted openly asking him if he worked, where he was staying and where his roommates were from. I realised that “Say something” means “Ask something”. Surprisingly he had found a girlfriend and his Nokia touch phone he showed me had been stolen from Shutka!

Dad notified us we (S&S and I) to go to the tournament in 15 minutes, but our plan was ruined without any apology by Barbara and Ashley who came to visit me.

While I was going walking towards the door I hoped this was the last coming at my place connected to anything that has to do with school. The school year has finished a long time ago, I’m on holiday!

They were put to sit in my room where Barbara told us:
-Ashley says “let’s go at Nikey’s, he’ll get angry if you we don’t go at his place”. I say “he won’t, his grandma will”.
Exactly Barbara. If I wanted they to come I would have invited them ever since I saw them in the morning after Ashley’s arriving.

Ashley said we are naturally beautiful (Barbara laughed), that we were one of the best-looking couples, if not the best one.

Mum invited them in the other room with Sammy and Steven, to which Barbara refused, however Ashley didn’t want S&S to think they are shy. Her plan is to sign in to faculty of journalism in Skopje with connections.

The next moment I was sitting on the couch next to Steven and the other guests were on the chairs. Barbara asked me what was that on my arm referring of the scar I made because of her, I admitted it was my deed made with a knife, but I refused further explanation. Anyway, she knew it was intentional.

Ashley worked for a month in total in “Creshovo topche”. She met her boyfriend there, lost weight, started to smoke and regrets for quitting the job.

Barbara hinted her possible going to university in Skopje and offered we to go together (t.-t.) “What, otherwise he’ll never get outgoing.” Never? Steven followed up: “You’ll be roommates.” Roommates? Another 4 or 5 years of the fake me? For a person like me either sharing a room with a male, either not a roommate at all. “No”, I refused Steven’s conclusion.

I don’t remember how, but the conversation reached this point:
Steven: (Ironically) If you make Nick outgoing, you’ll do it.
Ashley: Eh what’s wrong with us?
Steven to me: Do you think girls to make you outgoing?
You know the answer, but in order to avoid exposition of the real me, I said “Yes” to him.

Steven had an opinion that our whole generation is failed. Barbara agreed with him: “… And really either someone’s lacking something, or is gay…” I looked at her, but she wasn’t looking at me. “Start from Ian the Furl and Andy to Daniel.

She re-told recounted again the situation when Sarah treated her for the title:
-So she took to treat. I say “What are you treating for”, she says “For being chosen as the best one”, I say “Let me pee in that chocolate”. “Why?” I say “Well Nick should have been chosen”.
Ashley added:
-Nikey why are you quiet? If I were like you how much I would have revolted.
-OK, now what should I do?

After a decision like that, I decided to accept it, but to consider myself as the only real deserver of the title. Even God confirmed it.

Steven asked if Adele Allan ever said sth to me about him, again. Barbara and Ashley said her that she’s very good, I just nodded and quickly handed Steven my diploma as I wanted to avoid possible mention of my imprudent quiz. Steven told me he once, when he sat in the first desk told Adele not to do anything bad to me as his cousin. “He’s very quiet”. Then how come Adele when she went to doctor didn’t know… or she knew? Why did she smile to me the first time I stood on her lesson? I would like to hear Adele’s opinion of the real me.

He then storied that a classmate of his asked Adele if she would allow he to ride in her car with her in the front. As I remember she said she would, but with her husband. Then Steven asked her if he can ride in the car with her without her husband, she answered “We’ll see”. Another time, he said sth really bad to her, provocating her not to speak to him ‘till end of the year when she put him D. Ashley interfered that if she was Adele, she would have made him repeat the year. She and Steven continued to oppose, with Steven saying that in that case, he would abuse her in front of ten others. Furthermore, Steven told her she’s very ambitious and criticized her way of life and opened himself that he was worried that his girlfriend doesn’t respond his phone calls who btw was 16 and her father was an “army person”, recently he almost got killed by 2 Shiptars, the ratio between times he beat and times he got beaten was 57:2 and that he fucked half Kratovo (sth that is totally untrue)!

During their conversation I occasionally gave fake smiles. The line of my mouth curves naturally when I feel happy for the mines and me and my upper lip undoubtedly goes up. I soothed myself when I heard from Ashley that was the SAME. Steven not only didn’t understand my seriousness as being in the bad mood, but also asked Ashley if him and I were funny as she laughed a lot. They had come for me, but Steven was the star. Let it be. From experience I know that showing the real me in front of persons I really love feels much different than real me in front of usual persons. I keep myself.

Steven called his friend Derek and arranged with him to come to pick him up and to go to Daniel’s. Derek had said that Daniel was “a drool guy”, but agreed to obey Steven.

More than fifteen minutes later, after the seemingly endless “I am right you aren’t”, and after the girls rejecting to join Steven, he left on Derek’s motorbike. The girls stood up too, but waited for Sammy to watch a basketball Olympic match on TV as mum suggested we 4 to go to watch football on the playground.

Just after we arrived, when Barbara said “I don’t recognise anyone”, I was looking right at him – Brian. I knew from Facebook that he was playing in the finale and was prepared to watch him, but the guests… (Are they worth continuing the sentence?)

Denise immediately joined Barbara and Ashley, and the new-comer didn’t say anything to me, even when Barbara mentioned me. Yet, it doesn’t change my opinion about her.

I heard Barbara G. speaking to the girls, but when I turned around wanting to “see” with her, she was distanced enough to stop me from calling her. And I wanted to…

Barbara and Ashley left from us. My final calculation of the match result was 4-1. Brian lost. My Zlox’s mentality wanted to stay more to watch the people, but the guest had advantage.

Going home, when I and Sammy passed Rob T. and Marcus, I noticed they were looking at me.

I arrived home to go out again, this time along with mum, aunt Tricia, grandma R., aunt Marlyn and Sarah. All female company, but our holiday walk was interrupted by a car with Sue and Barry in it and mum and I later found ourselves inside as S.’n’ B. came in Zlox exclusively for me.

Dad asked me for an opinion on Sue, I said “Very good. Great.” Sitting around a table, S. and B. advised me about the choice of faculty. The most important thing she said was: “It’s not just to choose one, you should imagine yourself working that profession, or as Dr. Barry said: “You study for four years, and you work 40 years”. Well, I guess I don’t find myself in any of the current narrower choice (Law, Computer Studies and English, even Pharmacy), so that’s why I’m not interested in doing it. She told me how their daughters chose to study medicine and when she asked me what I wanted I said sth from the social sciences, but didn’t know what. I told her I can’t manage myself in Skopje. She wanted the choice to be mine, knowing my abilities compared to my other classmates. She considers me as the best one from the three classes as I am the only one whose grades were A’s on the external matura. She told me that 6, not 5 or 4 as I thought before had both A’s in total. She said “Every work is hard” and explained the difficulties of some professions. I spoke very rarely, although I looked her in eyes almost all the time.

We switched in the yard where the professor revealed she has become an aunt for the third time and told how she ended up giving the matura speech: Imagine Vince picked her as she was the only female between the head teachers and after the speech he said: “Do you see how we protect her”, to which Bernard replied “Enough, Vince, she protects us”. She was sorry for Andy and Cassandra and pleaded that if it’s worked by the rules, our diary is full of inconsistencies. She said my communicative side was very weak and that it was gonna be hard for me. OK, she meant the fake me’s communicative side. Who’s not prepared for the “explosion”? She compared me to her younger daughter Virg who forgot to handle the card on time for the exam that got her into trouble. She stated that my father was my idol. Even if I didn’t obey the God’s commandment No.2, he wouldn’t have been my idol.

Barry told his faculty experiences.

Ultimately Sue told me to call her whenever I want to ask her something about some problem of mine or sth not clear to me. I really appreciate her care. I consider myself to have experience, but the people and the circumstances kind of are always different. Now I have a real adult earthy help, anytime.

I didn’t thank them on their leaving. I reckon they were supposed to come to celebrate my matura, not to be distracted with my going to faculty.

Finally, I, mum, Sammy, Sarah and aunt Marlyn went to walk. Sammy didn’t walk in the row, so I joined him forward. I was happy, at least I had a gender balance and I didn’t care what the mothers from the back think of it as I accepted that they’ve already realised I want to walk with boys. Sammy asked me questions and I answered those I knew. We went to see from the road the people in “Zlox’s pearl”. Sarah considered it was villagey, Sammy decided to stay there. I didn’t have a judgemental view towards him, neither faked smiled, but instead freely looked aside while listening mum talking with him.

He left there, Sarah un-joined us and after a walk we left at grandma D.’s.

Minutes after 5 in the morning I was awaken by Ashley’s voice and laughter on the road.
Guy: Don’t pretend to be some chick to me.
Ashley: I don’t pretend, I AM.
Guy #2: So what, isn’t she a chick?
Looks like she adores to do it – the opposing.

Long day.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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