Sunday 29.07.2012

In the afternoon, while the line was going on funeral on a 36 year old Zlox-citizen, I saw Rob D. holding a blonde woman, probably his mother. I feel sorry for him.

While I and mum were going to grandma’s, Greg and Brian overpassed us and both called me to go on the tournament with them, I refused. Again the old thoughts: I forgive Greg (that’s why I don’t want revenge), but I haven’t forgotten that he forbid Bridget to talk to me (his bossiness), that he took (stole) homework from me despite my disapproval or that he caught my ear because I refused to (I can even recall mum going to his house to discuss with his parents because of his threat to beat me.) … wait! I know what it is. Culpa levissima. He probably feels twinges of conscience, and he wants to redeem himself. But who guarantees me he’s changed?

And only a flash (the word “Ohrid”) is enough to avoid Brian. We obviously don’t enjoy the same things.

My point is there isn’t real interest from both sides (like with the mines) and it’s almost always spontaneous this year, so they don’t really care, why would I want to keep them?

I rejected M. and grandma for going to the playground. If I wanted football, I’d watch on TV. I wish it was different.

I saw few of the mines on the returning, but nothing.

After watching “Bombastic” I tried to create a blog where I’ll post my journals hosted on, but I had to wait to confirm it via e-mail. I never got a returning email, but while I waited supposedly for 30 minutes, I opened cam4 to seek for Skype names and to chat, heading others to the religious way.

It was a loong evening, I was online until 00:44.I lost sense of the night, I felt alive like it was a day. I considered it was all right to stay late because I am young and on holiday. I ignored the children outside, and mum entered just once.

What was I doing?

I chatted with at least 5 guys, different but homosexual and one bi. One Canadian, one from England, one Italian and 2 from some Spanish speaking area.

My largest and most interesting chat was with the 17-year-old Canadian who was afraid to come out. I asked him questions all the time. He wrote he was a catholic, he was shy to go out in the evening – like me, most of his friends were female, he saw other his agers naked, masturbated a lot (personal record 8), had a brother and let the rest stay his privacy. I thought he had blocked me, just like the UK boy when I asked him “catholic or protestant?”, but had gone offline. The first “Spanish” blocked me, the second as well when I asked him does he believe in God a lot.

The last one – the Italian didn’t allow I to be the only one question-asker and he seemed to be very tolerant about my religiousness. I told him that I was “clean” for more than half year and that it feels very good. Looks like all about cam4 was about cameras, so I asked if I can see him. He called me. He was in boxers and showed me his beardy face. His ID was Koala 30. I asked him if he sometimes gets naked in cases like this, he confirmed. On the question “what do you want to see”, I responded “your full body”… “if it’s not a sin”. “It is not”, he said and I wrote it probably wasn’t as we shared the same gender. He got nude. “Your hand if don’t mind”, I said. He removed his (now) two hands from his erected penis.

He said he was keeping for sex, but he told me he had the last time before two days, then a week ago. A liar or misunderstanding?

But how could he preserve orgasm touching his self like that? “Aren’t you jerking off now?” – I said. He texted back he would if I wanted to. “You decide”, I said as I didn’t want to trap myself into sin. “You decide”. –  the same from him. You know Who I put on first place.
-The bible says if you see a brother doing sin you should tell him, that’s how you will win over him.
I told him it’s a sin, but he decided to do it anyway and I decided to watch him with addition that I’ll pray for him. Watching him I was reminded of my old habit, I extremely rubbed to experience pleasure faster. “Slow down” – I said. He did and didn’t and he interrupted the call.
-What happened?

He refused my call and went offline. He probably thinks he is the one who have “won over” me, but I’m not for a cumshot. I can do it myself and it’s better that he interrupted. I could continue my night but… it was late. I regretted for doing it.

I thought I can make them accept God, but they were dreamily travelling in the sex world. I was afraid from God to go out to pee, but even this I considered to be doing for Christianity. Just passed the door when I saw totally black cat on the stairs running from me. Definitely a devil thing. But I have God and the saints to protect me, the devil can only make me do minor sins. Some of the others of my age masturbate, have premature sex and practice many sexual positions and I only watched (not even sex) and spread good Christian will.

Like I opined before “sometimes I need to watch porn to see the sinners and pray for them”. They have gotten very deep.

For what? For a momentally sinful pleasure that distances them from God every time more?

Sex is a gift from God, but the very wrong way most people use it, makes some Christians hate it.

I felt bad, but I knew it will be past. Those who have accepted Christ will be saved. I repented, even cried for their disrespect of our Creator. I prayed He to forgive them as they would be excellent Christians, but were led the wrong way. I prayed to St. Mary to advocate at God He to forgive my and their sins.

Why didn’t these people understand? Jesus on the Earth is enough evidence for the existence of God, and they seem to be religious only on holidays while feasting. It’s not fair, but Jesus died for our sins.

I do regret for the evening, not to omit I could have masturbated and finished the thing in five minutes, but you know Who I chose and even though the devil tried to dechristianize me, I only became closer to the Lord.

Sex seems the devil’s most powerful weapon… all the time SEX… SEX… SEX… … STOOOP!



About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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