22.07.2012, 23.07.2012

22.07.2012 Sunday

Mum didn’t go with me, Sarah, Marlyn, and grandad to the river. I decided not to bath this time.

Grandad got bored and left, Michael left home, Dominic and Bill left as well and I and Marlyn stayed to wait for Sarah. Greg accompanied to Brian (do you remember him at all?) called me to come with them, but only a slight flashback of the Brian’s last summer fortification experience in Ohrid combined with an old school arrogant order of Greg’s to Bridget not to talk to me was more than enough for my “No” to him. Sarah exaggerated, so during her fourth bathing, I bitterly decided to leave alone, but Marlyn and Sarah joined me. On the road, I saw a guy was coming towards us, but I was shy to look at him as l had female company. As we approached, I looked at him, it was John who was looking at me and stopped. Nothing. I pointed John to Sarah as “the one who yesterday called me “Nicky””. In the following chat I said to Sarah:
-I can’t wait for you to go home.
-Did you see? He can’t wait for you to go home. Eh. Cousin. Did you see?
The unreliable Marlyn provoked her daughter.
Well of course I’ll wish that ‘cos I kind of fell threatened from the boys realising I’m gay from seeing me with Sarah. I’m not gonna destroy a relationship built a year in a moment, and if Sarah doesn’t understand it, she doesn’t deserve the real me.
“Cousin”? Well, in front of my other cousins I don’t even show a half from myself from that what I show to Sarah.
Sarah “fell” to Marlyn’s provocations and requested the reason for my saying. I, in front of her mother defended myself that I need to be with her when she’s here, to which she said:
-You don’t have to. I don’t come at your place.
I let her have the last word, momentally deciding not to be the real me in front of her anymore.

Alone, distanced enough from Marlyn, I explained Sarah that I didn’t have balance. I had an age balance, but not sexual as well. I didn’t want those who didn’t know me (if there was anyone like that) to think I’m closer to females.
I was quiet, Sarah decided to first talk to me. She mentioned coming at my place, to which I asked her “Didn’t you say you won’t come at my place?”
If someone wants the real me she/he will have to deal with all the frankness that follows. In this case Marlyn wasn’t even a candidate for it, having recently forbidden Sarah to comment sth to me ‘cos I was gonna gossip it. Sarah said “Let him” and told it to me. In fact, I should left home much earlier, so there wouldn’t have been no (real or fake) me at all, but I was good…

And then like and angel sent from God, a girl sitting back in the passing car turned back and smiled towards me. It was probably Miranda. I smiled too. Sarah told me the window was half opened and she said “Nick”. My mood was significantly improved.

I the evening I went out with Sarah and grandma. We bumped into Mary again.

Monday 23.07.2012

redirectI made a huge step: After at least 6 years I ate kebabs. I decided to do it because I was nostalgic for the time when most of my male ex-“classmates” ate a kebabs sandwich on Fridays and grandad was often saying he would buy me one. Though food anyway.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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