Tuesday 26 06 2012

Matura 4/4: Geography

Revival of the bus; Ethan calls me “bro”; I have the best test Philosophy… -things I wouldn’t even imagine in a dream – but they were real.

… I obligated myself to choose: either to watch porn to eventually reach an orgasm, either to masturbate and gain it manually. I knew the religion was an obstacle, but at-the-moment irreplaceable pleasure didn’t let me consider a third option. I decided to have it the fastest way possible – back-and-forth – rubbing my penis off which I was doing it, it seemed there’s no way back out of it – I settled with the violation of my vow, but God one more time showed His omnipotence awaking me. – This was a dream and God helped me get real and stop doing it. Happy to know Somebody watches over me.

As Andrea and Sarah cancelled me the previous day, I went “downtown” with my father to find me a taxi which he did immediately – the Mushika. I didn’t want to rush while walking towards it and when I got close – the other passenger was (try to guess)… Rob D. – I finally got to see him. He sat in front. A big irony from the bus. I was delighted to travel with him again. I nonshamingly put my arms between my legs – freely – there was who to be the real me in front of, but a decent lady with a kid entered, so I put my hands separated on the seat.

From the short conversation he had with the driver, I found out Rob was examining English, sth that both the chauffeur and the lady disliked. English? I could have shown him. It would have been with pleasure not fake like for ex. Barbara. During the drive Rob didn’t say anything to me, but the driver chatted with the lady.

When we arrived and the driver went out to break a bill, the woman asked me:
-Does Stacey still teach?
-She does. – I said.
-She was a friend of mine. Why didn’t she retire, probably there is no one to replace her.
-It must be that. – said Rob.
No, the woman simply loved her job.
-And Betty? – The taxi woman asked me.
-Betty got retired.
-Ааh, she got retired. She’s old.
-Goodbye. – Rob said as he saw the driver coming.
-Goodbye. – The woman said.
-Goodbye. – I said to him quietly.

I went out as well. Rob and I parted in different directions although I had hoped maybe…

In the school yard Andrea noticed my new hairstyle. Even after I sat on the bench she said “You are weird to me with such a hairstyle”. I remembered I didn’t see which classroom I was at, so I went to check. And on the stairs – Ethan, Derek and the standing Renee.
-Nikey we are in the same group. To tell me.
-OK.
-Nick tell, bro (with lower intensity).
You already know who it was. If somebody followed my interests last summer and “tuned in” now he/she would thought I have my purpose released.

I was surprised, but obviously not as much I’d have been let’s say last October as I stopped caring about us.

-Wait to see where I am.
Did this refer to Ethan?
They indicated me where to seek as I mistakenly looked at the Roman numbers list. I was in three as Sarah told me last evening. No 15 with Darryl being in front of me.

I wanted to get back on the bench, but it had already been taken by Dustin.
-Nick, come here. – he invited me as he saw me closing.
I came next to him.

Generally quiet. Rob came at Ethan’s. He saw me (yes, with a friend). Dustin saluted Monique who smiled me and said we weren’t at the same group, but after I said I was 3, she said “we’ll tell each other again”. He opened “Bellissimo” and offered me, I refused. It was hot, “Let’s go there”, he said, I accompanied him and sat next to him on the stairs. He asked me what will go to university to, after my “I don’t know”, I asked him about him, he said “Structural engineering”.
During the sitting, I said “Good morning” to the History professor – Dalton – He returned it and:
-Nick, you have the best Philosophy test. Yours is the best.
I felt I should say sth.
-How do you know?
-I reviewed them yesterday. The others’ are good too but yours is the best.
–OK professor. – I smilingly said.
Res, non verbis, just as I want.

Tiffany (a real friend) came at me with Sarah and Tiffany said:
-Nick new hairstyle.
-Nick has his hair cut.– Sarah added.
-You’re much more handsome this way. – Tiffany commented.
-Thank you.
I expected it from you.
I asked her if she studied, “Like that” – she answered.
-Me too. I haven’t learnt everything. – I said.
-No one can learn everything.
It was so hard, that I even only read some questions once, but I hoped it was gonna be as the last time – easy.

In the classroom our supervisor was Sue, the new biology professor who liked to respect the rules.
The time was 30 minutes shorter than the last time, the questions were 40, but the difficulty was highly increased. The creators predicted the telling, but not the extent of it. The professor quickly learnt Darryl’s name as he often turned around and rewrote from me and whispered to others. Ethan asked me 2 questions, but I didn’t know them – we reached a point where having same questions unanswered.

The cunning Darryl used his right to go outside twice and saw the missing answers from another classroom. He told ‘em to me without I asking him (and I think he talked to me just as much as he would talk to Ethan) and the others asking him. I told some answers to Renee and Andrea. The last professor was Marsha (English) who was way more tolerant – Sarah even dared to ask her for a question and the professor saw it from the handed tests, believe it or not. When only the government would knew…

After I handed mine at 10:29, I had my last waiting due tо school obligations. Monkey was there but he intentionally turned behind when I passed along him. I was alone and it was hot.
-Nick will you go home?
I turned around. The man was looking towards me.
-Yes.

It was Rob T.’s brother, Dean. As I was approaching, he found Monkey as another passenger. Somehow I needed to wait to enter through the car’s closest side to me, I decided to dare and enter through the side closer to Monkey but before I pass, he entered through the front door, something I didn’t think of. We were joined by another man and after he started Dean said he’s about to take “one mo’”. Monkey was close to him. The car stopped to take that “one mo’”. He came from my side targeting to sit on the front seat, but after he realised it was busy, he used his only option – to sit next to me. I moved and as he entered I recognized him without I look directly at him it was… Stanley.

What can I say? God gives me, I can’t complain about it. I AM on the right way. If you respect Him and His rules, God is very good, you should only know what to ask and how to do it.

-Stanley is that you? – Monkey asked.
-It’s me.

He didn’t say anything to me.
Why? I believe the others think of me that I consider myself for sth higher than them because of my success in school but through their criterion they consider me as antisocial – divergence in evaluating the things (I believe as Dave said once – “He has wrong understandings”. (Tag: Missed event)). In fact – I’m suffering because of my attitude of some past time and my No. 1 valued feature is her majesty the soul – the most precious gift from God.

Did he fear me? As Ducky when he said “He’ll kill me with a look”, or he just wanted to respect my apparent choice – not to be disturbed, but “Brave boy”…
Was it up to the mood?

Sb – Dean (probably) or Monkey asked him what he examined.
-Physics and Practice. – he said.

Physics is indeed hard, but <just my opinion> if he had me as friend, he might not have been there at all. My father (as an ex professor in the school) is a friend to Madeline (- my guess for his Physics professor) and he could have arranged to let him. You know how determined I’m to do big things for people that have high value in my life. I’m sure dad was in good relations with the Practice professor as well…
See? I’m not the only one who loses not having him as friend. If only…

Monkey or driver: Did they let you?
-They did. Can they not let me?

Regardless of the non-talking, our arms were next to each other – I was happy. Not coincidently I rode with some of the people I got to love the most this year, and not coincidently he sat next to me. God always Does much good for me on the last times. (Tags: the last bus ride to Zlox – Ted and the last bus drive in the opposite way – Stanley) That day twice, and even Ethan and the Philosophy news from a human who means to me. Last times are the best times. Maybe to stay remembered forever or as a sublimate of everything invested related to the topic. I feel very blessed and happy (not proud!) being able to realise it, being close to God. And I want to spread the happiness the world. Thank you God for everything.

I didn’t move when Monkey exited.

I arrived home indefinitely happy. I am pausing my Internet connections for two months starting July, 1st, and I hadn’t been watching porn for long time, so I accessed cam4. I knew it was wrong and I wished God to stop me. He sent me my uncle. It was his last visit before leaving to Montenegro.

That day, mum brought me the CD from the prom. Like Darryl said before “there is no rubbish”.

In the evening at 19:40 my phone received a message “Nick write to me if i can come to you tomorrow on fb to make new photos greet Elaine” … But I saw the message even after 23:00. No, no…, one doesn’t have peace even at night. Mum convinced me to text her back “Elaine now I saw the message tomorrow I’m not home” as I was supposed to be at grandma Debra to send M. off.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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