24.06.2012, 25.06.2012

Sunday 24.06.2012

Sarah (cousin) came, and the doctor as well.

I allowed myself pizza.

Mum asked the doctor what to put on the spot next to my right eyebrow, after she said “Nothing”, I asked her:
-And what to put on this?
Referring to my wound of my right arm.
-And what is that?
Mum said: He cut himself with a knife.
I: I did it because of Barbara.
Mum: Because Barbara would come.
The doctor wondered and said:
-Let her come. You know how? The more you give, the more God will give you.
But I’m a giver, that’s why I let Barbara come although I was in blood. But I had a better argument:
-She tried to steal. Tell her mum.
-Walter saw her looking in his grandmother’s cupboard to search money.
-I (putting her hand on her chest) am withdrawing…
Ааh now you’re withdrawing. Why do people get involved in stuff they don’t know about?
-Then find a way to hang out outdoor.
But there isn’t PC outdoor.
Most sincerely I let her come because of the religion. Of course I don’t prefer someone influenced by the devil in my house.
Mum told the doctor that Barbara and Elaine took money from me and haven’t returned it.
-There is a… not saying – the doctor said.
I: Proverb.
-Proverb. Not proverb. A message from the people. It says: Take as much as you can return, give as much as you can forgive.

And she told us example of “a friend” of hers lent money from her and returned it after 6 months. The doctor had forgiven it, but didn’t want to gift it to her. Then again the woman asked for 4000 but the doctor said she hadn’t that much, so she gave her 2000 as she could forgive them. The woman lied for the purpose – children, for university and never returned the money. In my case, I gave money because of “give to everyone”, not because those persons (I obviously hate to name them) had value to me. Of course, as a Christian I can get sorry to the almost social cases (Tags: 4 kids, connections, parties, no toilet), but I’ll only look more naive in their eyes, as they wouldn’t understood.

She asked me about my potential plan for faculty. I said “I don’t know” and after she gave me few offers, I asked her what would she recommend me Computer studies or Pharmacy.
-Well look: you are an individual, you don’t really want to communicate, I would say Computer studies.
This reminds me of Sue’s “antisocial”.
All right, that’s what I wanted, didn’t I? However soon the Fake me will get off the throne.

Whilst on the subject on my hanging out, she said Darryl is nice.
-Lately like I started to hate him. – I admitted.
-Why? Wait to tell you don’t hate anyone…
Before she mentioned religion, I interrupted her.
-I don’t hate him. That’s why I said “LIKE”.

You know, I don’t hate people, just the evil they have. Specifically, why? Because I felt discriminated by him (different sexuality is the only base I can find) in more ways. (Tags: not sexually labeling me in the bus, not calling for food, not calling me to wait even though he saw me hanging out with other boys, not showing me the “anaconda”, etc…) How can I have a high opinion for a person like that? What would the others have more than me? Different soul origin? Like I implied, he doesn’t mean a lot to me, so why would I keep wondering?

She was surprised to find out my Body Mass Index was 18,5.

Before she left she left she said she respects me and I should appreciate that. I said respect her, but not as she respects me.
-Not everyone can be friends with me.
Like I begged you to be.
-OK, well I respect you, which is why I look you in the eyes.

After she left I and Marlyn went to get our hairs cut accompanied by mum at Marion’s. I was very determined to finally put an END to my bangs.
-Can Tim cut your hair? – (Tim – Marian’s son, Barbara’s ex) mum asked me.
Of course. God is there for me anytime. I confirmed it to be with a machine, mum said it was very short, but that was what I wanted (in fact I could have done with even shorter – more transparent to the skin). Those guys gave me inspiration – they are the visible reason I live for.
-Is it good? – Tim asked me.
-It’s good.
-I know what he wants.
That’s right. Proof that males understand each other better.
He made me a hairstyle with gel.

While returning Marlyn asked me “Why are you smiling?” Nothing was funny to me, I was just happy. Very, very happy.

Uncle said “Like that to look as you should” and Sarah liked it as well.

Dad and grandma weren’t liberal expressing their opinions but while I’m on the subject I’ll reveal the next days M. said it’s making me look younger and grandma said I’m cut childish. I don’t care. I don’t care, I wanted it before the prom but mum didn’t let me. Besides, if I don’t have it now, will I have it in my 50s?


Monday 25th 06.2012

I measured myself again at Madeline’s. And in one week – plus one kilogram. – A consequence from the yo-yo effect and the slowing down my metabolism. I was disappointed, to have in mind not to starve anymore.

Two good news:

1. Nomi (a professor from Zlox, currently in Germany) had a son after more than a decade and half.

Hotel-Avala_012. Finally – the chance of the year: Michael got an offer to work in a hotel Avala in Budva, Montengero. He immediately accepted.
Starting: this week.

-An anniversary from the day I started running a diary.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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