Monday 11.06.2012

While I was expecting for Billy and Dominic to come at my place, we reached a point where I said grandma Rose:
-There is something I won’t tell you.
-Why?
-I won’t tell you. It has to do with Billy and Dominic.

-What, did you make some mess?
-I didn’t. But if you don’t take action, I’ll tell you.
-As it’s not a mess I won’t.
-I should study from the computer, cause otherwise I don’t have what to study from.
(…)

Dota_allstars_gameBilly and Dominic came, grandma came as well after some time, but I managed to stop her in her demands, begging Billy and Dominic to stop playing the computer game. She was unreliable. She told him I’m supposed to study from the computer, but I managed to stop realising the intention saying “To learn this first”, referring 3 notebooks and a Workbook.

Next, I went in the other room to watch the rerun of “Ugly Betty” alone as I couldn’t do it in the Friday being interrupted by Sarah. Meanwhile, dad entered where Billy and Dominic were and ordered them to shut down the game. I assumed it’s just a warning that he would leave soon, so I was even smiling to avoid the nervousness. But he was persistent and he succeeded. He expelled the kids.

-Bye Nick. – Billy said to me.

My patience was over, I had to react. It wasn’t pleasant to see them preparing to leave, and the cause – I had it right in front of me when I turned back.

-Why did you expel them?
I thrusted my nails into his arm. Multiple times. I went to give them the “little bag” they brought by 3 Bungee, Bellissimo and Cheetos chips and a family pack Stobi Flips. I went to give them the uneaten smoki and Billy’s Bungee. At least that…

The passive watcher, received few more scratches from me. I said:
-You don’t have any values. God forbid.
Impatience, violence, blasphemy. I did those sins because I was hurt by my grandma’s choice to break a God’s commandment which eventually I did too. It is not important she lied me, it’s important she lied to God and He is present all the time so… I wanted to change it, to prevent dad committing further sins as my duty. Selfishness is a big sin. Like a “Zvon”’s host once said: “When you take (something) your hands get full, when you give your heart gets full”. Isn’t it more important to listen the Almighty than our instinct? Isn’t it better to become close to Him than to have a passable pleasure? If not, why do we believe at all? My sins were benevolent in order to stop further, even he reacted like a Christian not returning it to me, but I didn’t like his “Good”. If it was “Good” why did you expelled them out of our house? Not being hospitable is a also a sin, but did he care?

On the gate grandma saw what Billy had in the bag.
-Those smoki are Nick’s.
Billy: He doesn’t want.
Nick: Why are you so selfish?

They left.

Later, I saw dad had 7 wounds (in the evening I counted 8) and expresses my attitude to him:
-You think that for one day I’m gonna study if I hadn’t studied for four years?
-Good.
-I am confident that I know English, and if you don’t that’s something else.
-Good.
-How can I be on the Internet when I’m watching a movie in the other room?
-I’m not good at  Internet.

He said he hasn’t drunk pills, but his last sentence plus his eyes lids earlier on the bed confirmed the opposite.

-First find out, and then interfere. It doesn’t matter if you’re good at Internet. (This irritated me the most:) How it’s possible someone to do something if it’s gone?
Was it worth?
-… I was saying you to repeat.
-To repeat? How it’s possible to repeat something when I haven’t read it?
-Good.

The thing was on the Internet I was about to read matura samples from the previous years, but was it worth being the real me in front of him? NO.

-Do you think it’s OK what you did?
-No.
-Do you think it’s OK what I did?
-No.

I went out, I told grandma what I did, she said it’s because he doesn’t beat me. She was justifying herself:

-Well that’s how long you sit. 2 hours have passed. Grandma Gina won’t get angry.
But God will.
-And then when your soul gets hurt, don’t seek rescue in me.
-Like you have hurt me a little.
-Not me, Someone Else will return to you.
Spiritual pains that hurt the most. Then we’ll see.
Disrespecting God, with no shame. I went to my room and repented for my violence. I still believe in God, He still loves me.

Returned from work, mum explained me grandma did that because she felt them close, I’m curious how would she justify the sin standing in front of Jesus?

I should have been patient, God later gave me what I wanted: Around 4:20 they came again with Zack, (their uncle). He said:
-Nick, do you do pause?
And I was just in the middle of it online reading about Lady Gaga’s weight. I eavesdropped that they came because of Dominic (cried according to Bill), grandma said that not only I had to learn, I had wanted to please them too. Not so, not so. I already made my choice – chose God in front of me, but she was unable to understand it.
“He will whine afterwards.” Well they weren’t Barbara and Elaine. (Fact: Not knowing me enough)
Nonetheless, they stayed shortly – left at 5:24 according to my Google Chrome history.

I wonder how do those graduates without internet access study?

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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