Monday 28.05.2012

Big part of my joy comes from the other people.

Like every morning (now 12 a.m. o’clock is early to me), I waited on the window to see Ducky’s brother and Ted’s brother, Albert, and possibly Ducky’s cousin, unnamed to me.
When Ducky’s brother was passing he looked towards me. I didn’t care what my glasses were put on, didn’t notice if my teeth could be seen and threw my diary away. It is magnificent the feeling when someone from the millions dots around him at disposal, at that particular moment chooses your eyes. I hid, showed again, he was looking at me. And after him – Ted’s brother with a friend who also saw me. After them, two girls of which one could’ve been Ducky’s cousin – they saw me as well.
However at 14:12 no one from the mines saw me.

The Whitney’s present issue again.

My first neighbor Shannon came while I was eating downstairs. She brought me perfume (non-coincidently again called Agressia) and chocolate and went upstairs with grandma and later mum joined them. My father wanted me to give him the perfume (in fact “one perfume”, mum said this one) and … of course, “that for shaving”, like it’s not enough that I must hide every time I cut my hairs around the mouth, I need to continue with that. I don’t believe that I will get a chance like this one soon. No-No. I definitely can’t believe (from the present aspect) I said Ashley it’s all the same whether she’ll buy to me cologne water or fragrance. Who knows how many relatives would ask me “Do you shave yourself?” Whole year I bother with this problem especially after they started to grow faster, so I started practicing it every day for school. Why no one from my family couldn’t dare and say “You have moustaches?” Do they not care about me? I admit I am sensitive, but I am always open to speak about the problems I really care, especially this one (who had the anniversary of an apparent solution this month). Not only my father, all 3 of them don’t know me as they should. Why? As a Christian I stick to the the rule “give what they ask from you”, and now I had to choose between God and me.

-About the perfume I’ll give it to you, and about that for shaving no way.
-I knead with a homemade soap, your uncle kneaded with foam.
Buy you too, don’t give money for cigarettes.
At least you with something, but what will you say to my (open) wounds?
-What? You want me to feel sorry for you?
About my recent-found Biblical rule – I consider myself to kind towards everyone, just not anytime.
-I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.
-I don’t feel sorry for you.
2_bigLooks like this “Agressia” has only brought me aggressive feelings.
-Give at least one.
A possible solution I have already thought of yesterday. As they don’t understand English, my parents think both of them are for after shaving. In the whole “agressia” I thought the same too.
-You’re smart, but you’re not gonna get it.
Anyway the Christianity in me managed to act out:
-About the perfume I’m gonna give it to you, and about this for shaving I’m gonna think about it.

My mood was down. It may look like a small problem, but maybe a temptation like this defines a Christian. I was torn. This decision of mine wouldn’t have decisively influence for me as a believer, right? After all people daily do sins much graver than mine, even promote them on TV…. But maybe God put me on an advanced level. I know that very few of all those who call themselves Christians would be saved, was I? Previously I told my father that he should know what to ask for, it’s funny -> Someone else thinks that he bothers, all my rushing, then even uncontrolled cursing, then searching where mum left them the last time, and the lies that I shave…. I mean, that I don’t … I don’t know either, from another aspect it’s sad…
Complaining is a sin.

Several years ago, a priest – Trevor who has a house opposite ours stored his furniture in our store, due to renovation.
When he gathered them, my father asked him to leave him like a long table or desk. You guess the answer, without thinking he gave it to him. Why couldn’t I act like him? What was stopping me? Apparently my need for it, no matter how simple the idea was, I consider it heavenly. I just wanted to use the opportunity… if not now – when? Like it’s not enough what I have to hide, I can’t use it. If beard starts growing over my face, I would probably use the scissors to cut it.
As parents, more understandably as people who keep me, it’s their duty to buy me a razor.

When it comes to this problem my consolation is a cognizance from Ducky. Once, when I didn’t even know his name, he sat next to me on the little wall, probably with Stanley. I overheard he had a wish to go to Skopje and to present himself as “fag” in order to attract girls. I also heard when he told the friend that he takes his beard with scissors. Scissors – the same word that I use. Btw he used to leave beard on his chin. I used to recognize him by it. We are so similar. (Tag: Openly telling opinions) Just to finish the situation: Ducky said about me:
-He didn’t even blink. Аh, here now.
Why I to pretend in front of him?

I allowed myself others to make jokes related to me and shaving (Tags: Dave, 8th of March), I didn’t want to allow my father to have the set.

I was hesitating: What should I do? I calmly told dad not to provoke me in order not to snap like yesterday to which he said “OK”. (It could be understood as an order, but I understand it as a message.)
Then I went on the window and I thought.
God created me. He has done more things to me that I have to myself. Everything I have I owe it to HIM. And I could have nothing, I couldn’t even exist. I deservedly put Him on a place before me where HE is supposed be.

Let it be, he only does worse for him. The money that he would save from Whitney’s, present he would give it for me when I start shaving.
He doesn’t know me at all – If I had sth I don’t need why would I keep it?
I went to him:
-Dad I took this way too seriously. (There wasn’t need of explaining what.) I’m gonna give you one.
But his soul comes from God: he had changed his mind.
Now I sincerely wanted to give one to him (Do you think giving one is a Solomon solution?), but he constantly refused.
-You should learn to refuse too.
-Еh I shouldn’t.
-You should, how not?

And I thought he reads the Holy Bible every day. That’s not what God learns us. If I didn’t believe in God, I would have freely stayed to my first attitude. But God along with the saints gives us much more than we can give to ourselves. So when someone asks from you: give, God will give you even more.

Mum had a plan to buy him a cologne water for his birthday in September, but I was determined to give it to him to have it. However mum dissuaded me telling me not to open the presents until we don’t show them to the sisters of my grandma the evening. How childish, but I obeyed her.

It’s not fair – the whole situation except for the God’s parts. Thank God for the ways His willingness touched me. I know this giving is the right way. I should always put God in front of anyone.

Now I feel offended, I just needed time to reconsider it, I am a recently – become adult.
I’m like that. Go, figure me out.

At twilight with grandad we went at Mary’s he to take pots for Liza’s mother. By the road I saw Barbara, in fact she was hidden by a bus, but I kept looking at her. I smiled at her ahead of time, now she means MUCH more to me.
–Barbara.
–Nick, where are you going?
–To the potters.
She nodded. Yes, now I appreciate her and I know she is a sincere friend of mine. And I’ll say openly: My SMILE was sincere, from happiness to see her. I didn’t feel even a bit of nervousness, only joy. I give second chances, thank God.

In the evening when the grandmas including Debra had come, after Sarah advised me on FB to give dad one for shaving, Darryl had invited me to his prom on Wednesday, in 21:00 o’clock in “Zlox’s pearl” or (our well known) at Greg’s (if you remember my last summer’s stories). I decided not to go. Do I really have to go everywhere where I’m invited? Really NO. Specially not after I didn’t invite my partner, neither him.

He obviously forgave me for my not inviting him on my birthday, but what do I know, we aren’t that close. Are we even close at all? I wouldn’t say. He understands me like that I want to be who I am. And how much effort, tears, troubles I have endured because of that (who I am). Well if I really want to be the one who in front of him I show myself that I am – the fake me (closed, too vulnerable for everything, antisocial… , (with all due respect towards the people who recognized themselves in the listed features), THEN I WOULDN’T CONSIDER MYSELF FOR A HUMAN IN PSYCHOLOGICAL SENSE OF THE WORD. New rule that I want to practice:
EITHER THE REAL ME, EITHER NOT ME AT ALL.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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