Sunday 20.05.2012, Monday 21.05.2012

20.05.2012 – My prom night.

At Ashley’s, my partner’s home there were her mother, her aunt, and her grandma. My mood? I was serious, but not shy – I added comments and asked Ashley questions. One of the main issues was her bad hair made by Cece, which was later corrected by a neighbour of hers. Luckily I found occupation looking pictures on her (well her relative’s) digital camera.

In the school many classmates of mine congratulated me matura. The distance fell – When Darryl hugged me, I put my hand on his back.
I couldn’t recognize Irene and Tiffany.
Violin Close-UpWhile standing in line in pairs in the hall Ethan came to me carrying a violin picture – the supposed gift for Vince.
-Nick, here bring this photo for a while.
Not even “Hel…” Aah so when you have need you talk to me. Eh now you consider me for a male.
He chose me because there was a talk “some boy should take it”. To my luck there were rustles from Virginia’s side it might bother me, so quickly after I turned around she took it from me after I responded her I don’t want to carry it.

Outside on the “spectacle” on the square when Sarah was read as the best st… (blah blah) Ashley told me:

-Importantly we now that you’re the best… Why didn’t they choose you? You Nikey know the most.
-Because there is someone better than me. – I said seriously.
There is. That someone is called MARY.

rose1At the reception of the hotel on my solo photo, I stood with Ashley’s rose, as Darryl and Sarah’s partner Nick did it, now I regret it.

While waiting for the class photo, Vince sent me I to take his present. I mistook the direction. That’s when certain people send me.

Ashley provided me I to sit on the table where the majority of the class was adding a chair from the other.

After the me-and-Ashley dance, I danced oro. Meanwhile Andy had sat on my place to talk to Derek who sat one place away from me taken by Miranda. A harder oro started and when I returned I thought I had mistaken the table as Andy was sitting where I was supposed to. He gesticulated: “Come here”, but I tried the next table on the right, it wasn’t where I sat, so… I returned at Andy who now moved on Miranda’s place. And guess what? My plate was greasy, empty – he had eaten the delicious food. And I so hoped to finally start eating pork after more than three years. It hasn’t been said. Perhaps this is the answer of the biblical dispute.

A situation is not a situation with me. I changed my opinion about Andy – He was even keen to me, and when it comes to that kind of person – I immediately forgave him. I appreciate his bravery for doing it – after all he feels me close. But he started eating from Miranda’s dish too…

He left, Derek suggested me I to go and take his dish, I said “When he’ll come, then”. I didn’t want to take something that doesn’t belong to me. Andy came back and did the exchange alone, but he took my fork – he was drunk. I went to him:
-Andy you took my fork too.
He returned it to me.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my jacket off. It occurred to me even at 22:45 when I saw Nick S. in another spot and maybe it wasn’t him. I got it. Looks like somebody has been praying for me. Good.

Not to forget, Ashley ordered me Schweppes.

halskarbonade - CopyAlthough this piggy neck was greasier, I dared to eat it. Sarah smiled when I showed her, and later Tiffany was looking at me when I had difficulties cutting it. -> Yes, I eat meat. Watch me – I’m normal (just like you).

A happy highlight – when the band played vivacious song, Andy tried to relax me to dance. I respected it, I showed signs and he very surprisingly bent, grabbed my legs and lifted me up. WOW! He was lighter than me and he was holding me. ME – he chose it to be me, when nobody else was up. I couldn’t resist I opened my mouth and smiled with teeth and everyone saw it, so what, the feeling obviously was more important than the reaction of the others.

The music pause for the dinner was used by the sinful lottery (getting sth undeserved). I refused to buy. Miranda who bought two tickets marked 148 and 151 and asked me:
-Nick what do you think will I get something?
-Yes. One of them.
-Which one?
I hesitated.
-This one. (151)
-OK Nick. We’ll see.
She didn’t believe she’ll get sth.

During the draw, Andy was definitely drunk:
-I will give you 1300. It’s set up. Fags, sluts. Give it to me.
I got distracted and I didn’t see that Miranda stood up.
-Nick. – she said.
-Which ticket?
-This one.
151. Not coincidently.
-What did you get?
-I don’t know.
I was smiling. I gave her a high five.
-You see Miranda how I bring you luck?
And price:  Free ride with taxi from Preevytip to Zlox and back with a Zlox’s taxi.
-To come at my place.
I had a chance to return to: “You will come Nick at my place, you will see it”, her portrait her partner draw.
-Еh I don’t know. I can’t promise I can’t promise you.
-Then at least to tell me to see each other. OK?
-OK.
That’s me. I felt her close, and I wanted her. Who says I’m antisocial? I just need one more thing that the others have and I don’t: ACCEPTANCE.

-Nick I can’t believe it.
Believe it, it’s the real me.
Now seriously I must repress this ability of mine already. There shouldn’t be prophets this time on the Earth according to the Bible.

Two other important moments: I led an oro; I danced next to Sue. Speaking about professors I’m not satisfied with the number they were there. If I were Adele for me it would be a shame not to show up.

Barbara invited me to dance – no more tests doe her – she is my sincere friend. – That night I changed my opinion about her too.

Barbara and Melanie invited me to dance with them. I accepted being cautious about the camera – checking by turning around, and it was right on my right side.  I immediately ran away.

Andy was sleeping (now he moved from being leaned on the table to sleeping) on the merged chairs.

I have to commend (if it’s not considered as boasting – a sin) the very delicious cake – and the piece was big. In the end I was tired and passive.

The party lasted until 4 a.m. – and it wasn’t enough for the celebrators (in fact what were we celebrating? Our closeness to the sins (and alienation from the church)? The lies, the increased selfishness, the cheating on tests, judging others, extended variety of profanities, the first sexual experiences for most of us? What?), we went at the San Nico’s bar where I minimally danced, the atmosphere was great, though. Andy (being next to me) touched me. I didn’t know whether it was intentional, so I only looked at him with my eyes. Darryl said sth to him. I took a picture with Molly on Barbara’s suggestion. We stayed there until like 6:30 and some of us went in the hotel’s lobby where a waiter had intention to get some girl in bed from Barbara, Melanie, Ashley and Renee.

56143_carol-service-with-the-stannington-brass-band7 o’clock was the time for the brass band. During the square show I hoped to see the mines, wanted them to see me as well, I guessed Ducky would come and say “Nicky. He’s dancing oro.” I danced oro just for them to see me. But they were gone; yet my hope was maintained by the thought “When you at least expect…” We went to the school and there we applauded around the players. I wasn’t in the mood. For me it’s nonsense: Why applaud to someone else who we have paid for, if we are the stars? I saw John, and on leaving I saw part of my former passengers, but none of them. After the last melody on the square, Barbara, Andrea, Renee, Derek… went on coffee in Black… Like there isn’t coffee at home, no the purpose was Andrea’s legs to rest. The others didn’t have their own selves? I simply went on and stopped next to the stairs and I called mum to ask what to do.
-Come you have deserved.
She wanted me to pay full taxi, but why when it could be shared?
The other will do their delights, I’ll maltreat myself. All because of Andrea (Oops: blaming – a sin). Andy came to the coffee maker, but he went back. We decided me to go at my mother’s workplace, and from there she’d call me taxi. I started. When you at least expect (or when you not expect at all)… Rob and Marcus were about to leave. Rob asked me:
-Will you go? (I asked him the same; the same time)
-Yes.
-Here I found one mo’.
That’s the magnificence of God.

In the cab Rob asked me about the Friday’s gathering at Chombe’s. We have some contact. Unfortunately I’m not yet prepared to be outgoing, considering the other people’s opinion: I’m closer to females – my mum first. However in less than a year: a breakthrough. Then the reservation at the other people – I mean it’s much easier when your friend sees you as equal to him/her – similar to him/her.

I went to bed from 8:30 to 1:45.

2 minutes after 2 o’clock I saw the mines coming out of the bus, all but Ted (and of course Derr). And Stanley hugged Rob, after all he fits in.

Barbara brought me the photos (as I didn’t have where to put them) and we arranged she to call me if she goes at Ashley’s prom at San Nico. Later she decided to, and we waited for Andy. He was still distanced from me (listening to Darryl’s advice). He decided to listen the devil, not God. In the taxi he confessed he hadn’t bought Ashley a gift, neither participated (paying Kathy), so he decided to go and look in the “Chinese”. If I had felt him as a friend (of mine, not classmate), i.e. showed him the real me I’d have dared to say: “Andy we can say my present (perfume) is from both of us.” He bought some small 100 denars clock.

In the hotel – live music and camera plus the feeling to belong somewhere by Ethan and Andy, but Ethan’s so… transparent. I can say I don’t care or I hate him, but as a God’s servant it’s my duty to indicate to some of his sinful actions (and of course, love him). I was modest when it comes to eating, and Ashley commented I was stony. I danced on 2 oros, by Kathy’s generous invitations. Somebody cares about me.

I met Kathy’s boyfriend Kyle, who that evening became close to Ethan, and Andy.

I realized it’s easier to cry for others than for me. I won’t judge.

I felt uncomfortable sitting unfriendly, but I allowed it to myself. My friends who I was very close at like Miranda weren’t there, Barbara was mostly dancing. I was more social the previous evening: like showing the two mes. Let it be. I am patient. I don’t hate people for it. It’s not their fault. (Like Jesus said: God forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.) They were simply raised that way, but I don’t get how they accept some rules from the religion (e.g. holidays, baptism, respect for icons), and others not. How far the world has come? I was home at 23:00.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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