Monday 14 05 2012

Denise told me she was delighted she saw me in COOL. She was at the door.

Vince told us to write a statement to apply for the title “student of the generation”.

-Nick will you write? – Mary asked me.
-I don’t know. I’ll see if Sarah writes.
-Eh not from me. Everyone by themselves. – Sarah said smilingly.
-All right. I to see if you’ll write.
If – keyword.
I wasn’t interested. I didn’t care. Instead of being relaxed on the fifth day before the end, I have obligation. And the way is terrible – the new, first year criteria only makes it lose its value and therefore becomes less important.

On Economy Sarah decided to write, I as well. She distanced from me, she even wrote under angle, but yet she didn’t resist not reading mine.
-Wasn’t I not allowed to see yours?(x2) –Now I’m the one who laughs.
-OK.Don’t fear, I’m not writing the same.
-It’s not because of it.
I just want equality.

I refused to swap with Tiffany because I wanted to see the professors from my place. She told Adele. We smiled.

On Macedonian I was referred as “those that were present” by the professor. Not even my gender. His style. There were no sanctions for them.

crven-krst“300 ass-things” – Sarah said. In the statement there was also supposed to be entered with participation in projects, activities, Red Cross… She had the three of them… Along with three justified absences.
I didn’t care – Like the professors don’t have formed opinion about us for all the four years – they make us beg for something that belongs to us. Looks like they are just filling somebody’s work time.

Home I had a loong conversation with mum about my socializing. I tried to explain her the feeling would be much better if first show the real me to people I want who have also chosen me, hoped that in this state of mind I on some way am with the others. I know it from experience. And why my happiness not to be bigger? Here’s an extract:
-What’s gonna happen to you to go on coffee at Greg’s with our Sarah? She’s your cousin.
-Who else goes with a cousin?
-Well doesn’t Myra’s Sarah go with  her cousins?
-But first she has gang, then with a cousin.I find excuse to everything.
-Еh I wanted to say that to you. Why don’t you want with a cousin?
-What are they gonna think? We don’t have the same gender…
I slowly started to open myself to her.
Until when will I wait? Yes, the gender is my problem. She wanted I to hang out with Melanie. And what do I get? Tomorrow she will be closer to female again. It… just…. There are subjects that are called “sexual organs and processes” and “sex” that usually serves like a barrier in the male-female friendship. Can’t she… can’t THEY realize I want to have males as my best friends? I mean simply, logically, how I to love girls and marry with a female, when I already spend most of the time with my girls friends? Where do they put the need of males in my life? So logically from non-religious aspect, it would be normal to flow into a desire for a lifelong partner. If she believes that I’m closer to females, doesn’t she believe that GOD does miracles?
I won’t allow double standards. At least for my life I decide.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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