Thursday 26.04.2012

God thank You for the wonderful day.
In the bus I sat on the movable seat.
After school I sat on the little wall on the “waiting area” and Andrea came to sit next to me. She offered me we to go and buy us toasts from “5”, but I didn’t want. Reasons: I was gonna eat home soon and the “no ham” part.
She said:
-Are you saving your parents?
This was what a very open person (like the real me) would have said: “You are very selfish”.
-Looks like. – I replied.
But she managed to convince me with that that she would speak instead of me. In “5”, she ordered the toasts and we went downstairs – a place I have never been before with tables and chairs. We were silent while we were eating. After I washed my hands:
-Will we stay here? – I asked her.
-What will we do here?
-Where will we go?
-On the square at those from our class.
-On a bench?
-On a bench.
I will maybe sit aside.
-Why will you sit aside?
-I’m shy.
-Why don’t you socialize yourself? – she asked. -Why are you like that?
A silent moment.
-I don’t know. – I said.
I used to find homosexuality as a reason – the thing that I won’t do that they expect from me. But since I stopped being gay… was it worth to be me for the time left? Was I punishing the people I was supposed to be with, just to explode (and be everywhere) in few moths and show I CAN? No, I am over with proving myself. Maybe it was because I considered THEY weren’t worth enough the real me to be shown to. A sin.
-What will they think when they see you alone? He’s insane.
-They already say. But I don’t care.
We went on the fountain on the square where Melanie was sitting. Then they went on the bench where Al, Derek, Ethan and Renee were sitting. Andrea called me:
I came. Just because of our previous conversation. Al, wearing yellow, looked at me. Weird to him? He doesn’t know me at all.
I sat on the next door bench. Andrea offered me to come close but I said “On the cement?” and didn’t move. Then Kathy came and repeated Andrea’s offer. This time I accepted, but it didn’t last for long – they were speaking about buying ice-creams, Andrea asked me if I wanted, I asked for the price and for the location after what I accepted.
-I don’t know where you will go later.
-OK. (I smiled realizing why she said it)
Leni_V01Melanie, I, Renee and Derek went to buy ourselves ice-creams. It was Leni from Fricom – 25 denars and we licked it on the little wall under the bank. Only the inner chocolate layer was as good as I expected. Maybe it was true what they said: High school years are the best years in life. And those students (including Denise in the group) enjoyed a very, very GOOD life. As you see I spent the time more rational than my usual waiting. That explains where do those “waiters” go plus what they do while I wait.
To my surprise, the bus arrived when I was licking the stick. I heard it was 13:35. Melanie said “Lick it Nikey”, but I threw it, cleaning my mouth. Derek went to get on the bus on the back door, I went after him. I was targeting to sit on the frontest free seat from the right side. Now, Derek took the seat in front of Ducky, I took the one behind him. If only… Plus one is definitely the most loneliest possible number. Melanie sat next to me and Ted – next to Ducky. I was taking a serviette from my school bag, I said quietly “You want me to give you too?” to Melanie, but her “Nikey give me one if you want to”, shows she didn’t hear me. Of course, I gave her.
-Later throw this, but not now. Catch it like this. Not to grease yourself. – It wasn’t important.
I took the stick from her.
-This too. – her serviette.
Not coincidently, the closest opened window near me was above Ducky. Wow! Action. I had 3 things in my hands planning to throw them separately.
-Not now, when we will pass the turning. – Melanie advised me.
-Wait. – again her.
-Come on now.
First my serviette. Normally Ducky saw it. Then her ice cream stick. I was prolonging time, in order to become closer to him – spiritually, so he raised his left hand to help, but I did it myself. The third “asset” passed normally.
But that wasn’t the only “action” with them. Out of nowhere Melanie touched Ducky and said to him:
-Hey, if you want (Ted looked at her, she looked at him too) call Ren (who was sitting next to Derek). (pointing) That girl.
Ted called her.
-Ren …                           …                                … (I don’t remember, probably didn’t even listen)
And in the whole situation… while Mel gesticulated to express herself clearly, she touched Ducky who immediately reacted trying to look at her, but also immediately stopped as he realized the thing. After the little talk, I was cheerful for the “mines” involvement and I noticed she was laughing, so I let my joy – I laughed along with her. She said to me:
-I hit him.
-Nothing. – I said. He has a very good soul.
She even bent down to her school bag which was in her lap.
During the ride I really felt I was belonging in the 21st century, and the modern, specially selected loud music on Antenna 5 contributed significantly for it. I’m pointing out “Sexy and I know it” to which Ducky started to move his head and said to Ted:
lmfao-sexy_and_i_know_it-music_video-The music video is good.
I thought “The music video is great” (all right, if we disclude that it’s sinful).
There was a moment when Ted looked back, I mean on his left to see me. I knew he was watching me, but I didn’t look at him, because he would have turned back. He smiled and looked back. Wow! That means love. I mean something in his life. I’m glad I caused you smile. I feel better. Thanks.
After I arrived home and after I went to the toilet, I had a big smile and dad asked me:
-What’s funny?
-It’s not funny, I am cheerful.
-What are you cheerful for?
-I’m not telling you.
-Tell. Share the joy with me.
-I don’t want to.
Obviously I haven’t forgiven him. I can’t. If it was referring to me, I would have probably victimized myself and would’ve forgiven him, it wasn’t to me only, which only mooded me down.
On the plus side, I was grateful to God for the events. I kind of felt like I was spiritually reborn. I love them and I want to show them that there are things much better that the material and the passable pleasures.
I want to share my christian perks with them.
After 3 o’clock M. came.
In the evening mum and Sarah on Facebook managed to disconvince to go on the school’s walk on Cross the next day, directly at 10:30 am to go to Preevytip to go to Skopje.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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