Tuesday 20.03.2012

Where should I start from? A very juicy day.
Why did Elaine start climb in the bus at the upper station?
To lose weight. There’s always a reason.
Elaine was going with the other Elaine and I was going with Barbara as she went out of her home. Barbara and Elaine talked and I felt I seemed like the fourth lady. And of course everyone who waited there saw that. Like they don’t know.
I was ashamed to stand next to the boys.
In the bus Ducky who was already sitting said to me:
-Nicky sit.
And guess what? He was smiling. I smiled too looking at that direction. I couldn’t pretend anymore. Helaine stretched her hand next to me and said:
-Sit next to Sarah (Michaelson).
I went where Sarah sat, asked her:
-Sarah is it free?
She looked at me.
-May I sit?
-Sit – she said.
This is like surviving every morning. Thank God it isn’t worse.
On the big break some student from our class took chairs and went outside to sit. In fact they just wanted to feel they belong in the majority. I was observing them. I didn’t buy food.
After Sport instead of putting my trainers on ground first, then changing my sportswear, I changed the timetable order. If I already ignore Darryl, it should be applied in all situations. And what that I still wore pajamas? They CAN’T judge me.
Waiting for the bus alone… and mum came. We saw Steven who said he was coming these days to Zlox. I didn’t like him very much (I mean he had a good soul, but some things he did kinda didn’t fit in my philosophy: e.g. achieving sth faster, even if that means illegally, plus he said something is missing to me in the brain. Sth missing? I have too much that you can’t figure out my code, but why would I spend time for you? Let God deal with it), but presumably him standing next to me increased my popularity among those who were watching. …
I stood in the bus. All normal until … I told mum I have nothing for studying and she said go to grandma’s while she’s at her hairdresser.
meghan-mccain-playboy2aHome while checking the Yahoo news, I bumped on a girl, some Meghan McCain that posed for Playboy. I searched for her on Google and amazingly I got sexually excited. It was hard to believe but the subconscience acted. Who said it can’t be changed? It was true what they say: It’s sexier with clothes although it wasn’t my first time to realize that. Then I cried as a gratitude for God. We would be happy only for our creation and not only that, He helps us every day. God, thanks for showing me the right way. I will always love You. And I was cheerful. Earlier I was afraid that if I open my self completely to some boy I will fail on this. Now there is no reason for that.
I had news to check on the Internet and I said “I may come later”, but just when I prepared, she returned with a new haircut. When I asked her if we’d go to grandma’s, she replied we to go walking. And the adventure began:
We went for a walk at “the opposite” and there was not a danger to see Ethan as she said he told her “Hello aunt Leslie” “downtown” but… it wasn’t all shiny…
I saw someone beyond the bridge with a noticeable blazer and thought it could be Stanley but he wasn’t. A bit further and I couldn’t believe my eyes: it was nobody else but… John in his yellow blazer. I prepared for “Hello”. Of course expected from him first, but as we approached he looked at me, then I looked at him just as we were passing each other, he wasn’t looking at me and we didn’t say anything to each other. Obviously the female person meant authority to him. Mum looked back. Twice. I understood she may have connected it as once she was coming when John touched my back. And now what? Nothing. Silent. Let she thinks maybe we had an argument. I must admit I couldn’t dare to look back. However it didn’t make my mood down. He knows I’m shy. He won’t resent me. Even if it was a sin, God will forgive me. But it was nothing comparing to what followed.
We took the upper road and some people were coming from above. One had David’s weight and his height, but I couldn’t recognize his clothes. So it may not be him. Little bit closer and whoa… God, it was him. Who were the two other guys with him? It will stay enigma. I was too shy to look again at them, I only looked at him and say he wasn’t looking at me when we were passing each other, so we didn’t say anything to each other. Is it fair, do you think? They find me place, I am supposed to say something, but mum is an important factor. She doesn’t see them as my potential friends and she is wrong I think. I think this is important too: Mum was telling me about what Damon’s (Preevytip) mother, Debra told her about her son’s future education plans. I looked at bit at her (Brian’s rule) and she kept speaking even when we passed them.
-To mechanical engineering? – referring to faculty, I used a trick learn from Adele’s habit (repeating said things). I didn’t feel very well but I was happy I saw them.
When we got distant enough, I looked back, but you probably know my vision is bad and the only thing useful from that try is my guess that the middle of them could have been Ducky. Yes, the most communicative. God wanted it to happen, it was meant to be. I wished I never walked that way again with a single female companion unless my future girlfriend.
Then we saw two girls also riding with the bus: Kimberly and Christa.
On the way back it was those guys again: Dave’s group: only now those were four. Strangely they split in two groups: some walked, some watched us. Yes, I noticed Dave looked at me as he was sure I won’t look at him.
Wait, the end is NOT here.
They are many. So… before the bridge, Rob Top was walking with a guy and he said “Hello” – looking at our direction.
-Hello – mum responded him.
-Hello – it was the energy of appreciation choosing you at a moment at a place from all the others; coming from me. At first I thought it was meant to me. It wasn’t. He is patient where mum works.
-Like that. – Mum said.
I was confused, how will it affect to our future relations?
I had no much time for thinking. Soon we met grandma’s and saw Marcus on Pigs, luckily holding a child’s hand on the other side of the road.
I forgot my reactions to the meeting No 3: OMFG. No #4: Fuck it.
It was the male hormone. Christians aren’t allowed to blame, but if I was I would have blamed the nice weather for the “events”.
At grandma’s M. told me he hated Damyan from “Trotoar”. What? He thinks he is gay? I didn’t remember to ask.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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