Wednesday 14.03.2012

I have noted that Stanley said:
-Nicky sit next to Marcus.
Marcus on Pigs said:
-What do I look like to you?
To me he was a friend of Derek‘s, who treated him inferior not seeing he has changed from eight grade. I sat down after Sarah Michaelson called me: “Nick sit here”. A wonderful opportunity. Be blessed.
On Philosophy Elaine tried to answer about Carl Marks, but failed, but still remained to sit in the first desk next to me and appointed me to come at my place as I told her “tomorrow” the previous day. 4 o’clock. Not to forget that I pointed my middle finger under the desk when sheMiddle_finger told me. I told her on her demand mum told me I to say that my mouse is broken down to refuse her.
On the French lesson, the professor once again said “Nick is a good kid” after Sarah saw she was bending my Management book without I reacting.
On Management the current date, respectively number 14, respectively me was asked. I am grateful to Mary and Sarah who whispered me although Mary was warned by the professor -> seemed like she started treating me equally but she didn’t say “Close the book” when I looked down. In the end Adele smiled to me because I “started to get” in the next part. Of course I returned her the smile. You know how easy it is to me. Sarah told me she put me “+”.
In the bus Melanie sat next to me.
-Nikey how was Management?
-Good.
-“Good”. Why don’t you apply as a volunteer?
-I didn’t know everything.
-You were good.
Daniel was sitting in front of her.
-Nick which year are you?
-Fourth.
-And you are acting like eight grade.
I’m luvin’ it. A sincere comment. That’s what I want. It makes him on higher position to me. And as for a matter of fact I agree with his opinion. I do act childish. Not to exclude Marsha’s comment: “Don’t bother the kid”.
Home there was lentil soup for eating, mum hadn’t prepared me anything special, so I mainly ate ajvar, bread and cheese. When I saw I had leftover from previous day bread with spinach, I vomited and ate the bread. Grandma and dad were nervous about it. I “sat” on the Internet and around ten to four it occurred to me Elaine will come, so I removed my stuff (food, petroleum jelly, ointment) from the visible places of the room. Dad entered asking me why do I knock. Very soon Elaine came. Dad interposed in front of her before the stairs.
Walter: You won’t go inside.
Elaine: Why?
Walter: You won’t enter. Nick has for studying.
Nick: Dad let her go.
Walter: I won’t. You make me problems later.
Nick: What kind of problems?
Walter: I know what kind of.
Nick: Tell them.
Walter: I am not telling them.
Nick: So there aren’t problems.
Elaine: Why I came?
Walter: Now you “came”. You won’t. Go home.
You know it’s a sin. And he considers for Christian.
Elaine: If he had told me I wouldn’t have come.
Nick: It’s not fair like this.
Elaine: Last year you have made me like this, now again.
Nick: Let her go.
Walter: Go upstairs. I won’t let her.
Nick: You will tell me. I say go downstairs. Do you go?
He was my father, but I was over 18 and it was my house too.
-You won’t. You will stay a lot like Barbara.
-I’m not Barbara.
Walter: That is done earlier. Not now at the last moment.
Elaine: I told him before, he wasn’t free. Now he said he was free.
I never said it. I just didn’t refuse you because 15 was the last deadline. Don’t abuse my goodness! I had Business and Logic to study.
Walter: No you don’t understand, he makes me problems later. He can’t refuse you.
Nick: I don’t know what to say.
Walter: You don’t understand.
Nick: Who are you to say?
Elaine: Nick call your mum.
A good idea. The solution.
Nick: I’ll call her.
Elaine: Who do you agree with?
It was then I looked her in face. She cried.
Nick: I don’t agree… with him.
I called mum, explained her, she said if I had time to let her come. I passed the phone to dad. She asked him: “What are you doing?” He said he would go to sleep.  He was firm: No. “He makes problems to me later”. Again I took the phone and mum told me “As your father says”.
Walter: You’ve been gone for whole year, now in the end it’s not done.
Elaine: I hang him out anyway.
Our home phone rang. I went to answer. Mum again.
She spoke to grandma but it was so quite chat I couldn’t hear. When mum told me the same: “As your father says”.
-Why don’t you go at others? Nick isn’t the only one. Sarah, Mary… they have a computer.
-I’m the closest to Nick. Let him tell you.
She seemed to have argument for every note.
-Yes.
-Last year you did the same to me.
-Go now girl, you don’t understand.
Nick: It’s not fair.
After many other missed and repeated words eventually dad left downstairs.
-Come now.
-I can’t when he doesn’t let me.
She never called him somehow. I heard the door and remember: “Grandma!” I went downstairs: Dad was gone out.
-Grandma come on you will work the thing out.
-What? –she came.
-Dad doesn’t let Elaine come.
-How come he doesn’t let her come. Come Elaine.
Elaine: That’s why Nick doesn’t have friends. Because you don’t let them.
Rose: If your boyfriend says something to you, will you cry all the time?
She entered and told me she had bought a business notebook. She said:
-I won’t vote for VMRO anymore. – referencing its law about passing matura.
I stayed neutral. She cursed. I couldn’t tell her not to cry. If we lived let’s say in Skopje she maybe wouldn’t have seen him again.
I told her about my cleaning the mess because of her.
-We have guests too.
A mistaken word “ducking” succeeded to make her a smile.
While I making it she said:
-Don’t tell anyone about this. I won’t tell either.
-Why not to tell? It’s his shame.
-Is there something worse than this?
-There is.
He could have used violence.
-You should speak with your father about this.
-About what?
-About these issues.
-What if he fights you? He will sleep now.
-He can’t do anything to me.
-Had he ever raised arm on you?
-No. Maybe when I was small. Now not.
He had. When I hurt his testicles the first time and other times when we disagreed from our not so distant past. He hated me. He said:
-Why have I born you? If only I had spat you.
Now I realize it has much more sense in sexual sense.
Does it hurt? Not at all. How can I value an opinion that comes from a man who puts sex on a place in front of his offspring?
Before Elaine left (she stayed approximately to 17:30) I said to her:
-Sorry about this.
-No problem. It’s OK.
I would have said that if I was her, but it wasn’t my fault.
Grandma told me she hadn’t interfered. Dad admitted he was nervous from digging the garden and he thought I vomited because of Elaine. It had no link. He said: “I understand. She is your friend. Say “Sorry” in my name”. I couldn’t do it. I left it to him.
Grandma understood Elaine’s statement about me not having friends for granted.
-She said it to me …
-Why do you care about who says what?
Also I told her that I said “It’s his shame”. She said:
-How bad are you.
-Maybe I am bad, but there is someone one hundred times worse.
Also:
Nick: I wouldn’t have waited so long if I was her.
Rose: Me neither.
-I would have left home. If someone doesn’t appreciate me, I won’t appreciate him either.
Just not to be omitted: Elaine said she could go at another place, but it was better at somebody who knew.
I mean the whole situation wasn’t fair.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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