Thursday 01.03.2012

Shit! He hates me.
The usual: I enter the last in the bus (at least in the last three), some of them spots a place for me, in this case A.B.:
-Ducky make place for Nicky.
… but then… Ducky didn’t move. He said to him:
-Don’t… durb me. (Ај не ми… дудлај.)
It was the first time I heard the word “Durb” in my life. He didn’t let me. Why, what do you think? I kept standing and on the next bus stop Marcus, who didn’t have a friend to keep a place, who also hangs out with girls, asked him:
-Is it free?
-It’s free – the other side answered.
Marcus had the opportunity to sit next to him. “He doesn’t know he’s gay too” – was my thought. What habit do they have? They always save place for someone, even when there’s no one for. It’s a public bus, not your plate. I kept thinking about Ducky’s refusal during the ride. What hurt me the most was that it was fair. That’s how people view homosexuals here. It’s the society’s fault, not his. If he was born in America or in some West European country he probably wouldn’t have reacted that way. So it was my hope, I lost it. No more “Nicky” from his side? I regretted the me-Andrea-mum situation the previous day, but it happened. I wonder how didn’t he notice any situation like that the previous year? Maybe he was just nervous because of something else.
Aside from this my school day was silent considering the fact that we had just 5 lessons because of some volleyball tournament.  After lessons I stayed with Sarah in the classroom to wait for the lecture for the senior students. We practiced English, then they went to buy food at “5” and I went to wait them near the old school. It was a hell of waiting. I mean I thought they have come before me and I started to go alone, then I turned around and saw them. Imagine, they thought I was then going (otherwise known as being late). Inside the desks were put to look like this L=˩. There were four chairs available. Sarah and Tiffany sat where the last completely available desk was. Logically I would have sat right next to them, but I skipped a chair and sat next to a boy – David from IV1. You know it wasn’t a problem to me sitting next to a male and as a reason I find that if I had sat next to Sarah it would have been on side. It was like I was part of a new class, like a revival from the last year in high school. The English professor was very young – Marcus. I didn’t like him as he was very strict and probably the most spontaneous I’ve ever seen. I mean he came totally unprepared (not to speak that he was late): he didn’t know if there was any English manual for graduates. His outfit misfited his personality. He explained us how to write formal letter and just out of nowhere he said:
-…You know what? You write a letter yourself.
Not organized. Without method of work. I thought writing letters was voluntarily as everybody didn’t start writing as first. No one could obligate me to write. There weren’t such things as grades there. Mary entered and she filled the “gap” between me and Sarah.
We read by order. About me he said “Speak up, Nick” and that my letter was “nice” and that I shouldn’t have written “I don’t have any experience yet” (although I would have found few more flaws). The “professor” said:
-You have to be “ass-licking” to get the job. He used the word twice in English and Macedonian. How brave for a teacher. Mary’s reading was interrupted by the cleaner who brought Marcus’s wallet, who said it had 100 denars, hence he loved to talk about himself.100_denari,_1996-_pozadina (Tag: selfish) He appointed Mary did a mistake – misspelled a word, although she had corrected herself the second time. I mean, he was telling every mistake. In this case there was no need. Like he doesn’t make mistakes at all. Looks like life has been too cruel for him, so he was treating us cruelly. Bad for him.
Then we played a game. The rule was: Tell a formal word beginning with the letter the last word ended with. We were supposed to give ideas, I mean to guess what he had on his mind. He wanted us to spell the words in English and it happened he to say one in Macedonian, after what he apologized. Was it lack of experience for that? What if we were like him? Then he said “I’m lazy to write” and the students wrote the words on the board. How dare he? Laziness is a sin. Or he isn’t Christian? He didn’t know when to stop, so the Macedonian professor, Tara called us. On Macedonian we were only few students from our class + Barbara G. as she was from Zlox. Tara was brighter, outgoing (even though she used no profanities), comprehensible, tolerant, positive… Her goodness may be seen from the fact that we didn’t study as it was the first lesson, but talked. I sat next to Mary and she said to Irene the Marcus was gay. I didn’t notice it. I don’t think he was. Mary left me impression when she said “Maybe they will change to better” referring the things that will be changed after we finish faculty. Tara asked me:
-Are we interesting to you?
Because I didn’t participate in the talk.
-You are interesting. – I said.
-A female company. – she said.
-Nick is like that – shy – said Barbara.
It lasted until 5 p.m.
Home (my family was worried about me), I found out mum phoned Sarah’s mother who sat in the yard because Sarah had the key and dad said he wouldn’t let me go again.
Later, I had chance to think about the event in the morning.
I realized I was wrong. The thing that hurt me the most wasn’t that it was fair, but that I wasn’t not gay. I could have had sexual fantasies about Ducky, but I didn’t. I felt him like friend. Why all that effort? Should I show him the bad Nick?
I felt like my soul was gathered only in my chest. I couldn’t feel it on the other parts of my body. I felt like I failed the world. That’s how much Ducky meant to me.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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