Wednesday – 29.02.2012

It was that morning I realized Darryl never calls me with him and Derek and Ethan (the stickers) because… let me hear you guess… I didn’t invite him on my birthday. So he does that because he is powerless to change it. How cheap, people! I mean who can’t speak about sex (excluding the kids) to gain popularity? But other people were able to decently hide their drive and understand would be a humiliation. God is closer to them!
In the bus Zander, Stanley and A.B. made effort to provide place for me.
Zander: Nick sit next to Neil.
Stanley: Sit Nicky.
A.B.: Sit.
Nick: Is it free?
Zandar: Neil is it free?
Neil: It is.
I was going there.
Stanley: Easy.
A.B.: Easy – as I was walking leg by leg as I had barely eaten last two days. I knew Neil considered me as gay and I had no wish to prove him the opposite so I spread my legs just a little.
In school we had a visit from the principal, the psychologist and the pedagogue on French. I shivered while I was reading and Tiffany asked me why. Brenda found out from Sarah I haven’t eaten for two days and she asked me why. I wrote to Tiffany them to leave me in front of the commission, she transfered it to Bre. Br. said: Are you afraid of them? “Yes”, I said. …I looked towards B. and I smiled – I don’t remember why. She told the professor:
-Professor, Nick laughs.
“Mommy, I want to pee”. The professor said sth I couldn’t hear at first:
– … we have guests.
I stopped my simile. She thinks she made something with that? She only looked idiotical because she wasn’t able to find another fun, so she found me. Not the real me. It was Nick who acts, sustains in moments from the real wantings, for when the time will come the others not to be able to reach him. A very intelligent plan. She didn’t know me enough. So what if I smiled in the last three minutes from the lesson when we were supposed to rest? The “commissioners” are people as well and I showed my non-concern by not reacting to B.’s silly tattle telling. In fact she can only make worse if she keeps provoking me. (Public revelations of her money stealing from a rich Indian man’s credit card and her theft in Krushevo … and much more) You are worthless to me right now.
While waiting for the bus Darryl asked me “What will we do on Business tomorrow?” He came with Andy and Andrea – “the new stickers” and later went with Andy to hide from the wind. “Oh, it was the doctor. You know he can’t be exposed to harsh human circumstances (like walking on foot from Preevytip to Zlox”) It is a humiliation for him to handle them. Here also belongs submission towards God. We will see how God will humiliate him. There is time. I mean there are life, kids, diseases… Andrea told me about that “we have lecture tomorrow at 2 in the old school”. It’s bad. What about the bus? Then mum came and we discussed about food and fatness. I didn’t realize the 7th lesson finished and students had come to wait. When the bus came Brian said “Come on Glen (the driver)school-bus stop here”, then he looked at me. So he said it to me, not realized I was THE MALE next to him. Even if I had said something it wouldn’t change much (in fact perhaps not at all) in further course. Inside the bus, as I walked, Ducky who was sitting looked at me, but he pulled back his sight when there was a chance I to look at him (what I did).
Who else saw me speaking with mum and Andrea?

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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