Thursday 16.02.2012

I feel happy. Thank You Jesus!
I stood in the bus this morning.
The lessons were 30 mins again.
I didn’t answer on Business. On Facebook I saw that A.B. (one from the gang) and The crazy Andy liked my profile picture and yes, I pressed “like” on D.M.’s comment although I wasn’t very sure doing it.
Sue reprised her role as a professor on the 7th lesson – a life skills workshop.
In the bus I got more “action” than I expected. I entered through the back door and it seemed like there wasn’t an available place for me. However, a student (I guess) called Marcus said “Nick come sit here”. He meant in front of him, next to… (I think) Stanley. Stanley moved next to the window and now as I realized Marcus wasn’t kidding I went there. Ducky was sitting next to Marcus and Marcus said “An old legend” about me. Ducky said “He isn’t old”. I know old meant proven. Ducky was sitting next to Marcus and he was repeating Stanley to ask me sth.
Ducky: Ask him what the root of one million is.
I didn’t remember at first, but it was very simple – 1000. He didn’t ask me.
Stanley: Don’t you see you are boring?
Boring? To him yes. But he wasn’t boring to me. We have only 3 months together (the T-word) for God’s sake.
Marcus: Perhaps “mum” is here.
Ducky: Is she here?
Marcus:(referring to ask me) … masturbate. Do you understand me?
Stanley: I understand you.
Why didn’t he ask me? He was afraid because I was next to him. And about the last thing… I finally felt confident about it. Abstinence is absolutely great. No guilt. It makes me feel closer to God. It was really hard the last few times when I begged God to give me one more final chance. Now I don’t have to avoid males because of that question. I have nothing to lie about. In this case, if he asked me (which I wish he did) I would have said “Ask me in personal.”
On the seats opposite of me were sitting Mary and Brian – those extremely good-looking faces. How come? Did Mary ask him something before to sit?
Behind Mary was sitting David and he was teasing me touching my hair repeatedly.
Mary: Hey, stop! Why don’t you smack them Nick?
I just said “No”. They were just kidding. They were harmless. They were paying attention to me and the most important – they were good.
Mary: We aren’t doing a written work tomorrow, do you know?
Me: I know.
Mary: Did they tell you?
Me: Yes.
I was looking her in face, especially after I noticed Brian was looking at me. It was one of the general male instincts– the boast. I wanted to prove him I can look in eyes while I speak.
Mary: How many compositions did you write?
Nick: Two. (short pause) How many did you write?
All the time Brian looking at me. I could look at him as I normally do with other people who look at me but it was a strategy. I wanted to make him “jaloux”. To show him I have friends.
Mary: One and a half.
In fact I wrote one a half too, but it would have been a shame to admit.
Nick: You will write. There is time.
If you don’t want me you won’t have me. It was over. Then I heard Ducky: “’Head & shoulders’ will help you” referring to my hear. Then again, with his suggestions to Stanley:
-Ask him √9, 3∙3, √3.
Stanley: How much is √3?
I turned my head, it was addressed to me. I could have made myself brave and self-confident with looking straight at him, but … who knows what the next question would have been about.
-1.73.
Stanley: 1.73.
Nick: …and three.
Stanley: three.
I heard comment from back:
Ducky: Check it.
Marcus: I need root.
After a while:
Marcus: There was a movie which starts with two boys sitting in a bus.
Stanley: Fag.
Not coincidently I wasn’t straight.
In the end while coming out of the bus I heard “1.73” by Marcus.
I arrived home very happy and I checked √3.
Soon I found out a distant relative passed away.
M. came – mum called him.
I read for a while “Троичник” – Dad’s religious magazine. He said “We have to believe in God.” We don’t have to. I made me think he believes just for his personal benefits. The magazine was wiring about fasting and abstaining from passion – rules he didn’t respected.
And then before 4 o’clock I saw E. and Brian walking together (together) and talking. I thought “I would never be that close to either one of them”. I’m sorry – my homosexuality has done its thing – it is the Christian patience that remains. Hope too.
In the evening – “Fiuuuu” – I heard whistles and immediately stuck to the window. It was them. I hid like always and of course I smiled. All of their heads were headed towards me. Looked like I was connecting them. Wow. I felt like a star. It was incredible! Not to know who to look at. Thank you! God bless you. Be happy forever. And of course my mood was changed.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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