Friday 17.02.2012

Just after I stood at the waiting area I heard them speaking about… in fact Brian said he touched somebody’s cap yesterday.
Brian: Looks like it’s a family thing.
-It would be that.
Was it me? I concluded it wasn’t but… they never said his name. Now, about that family thing… Who knows? I don’t deny it. My father was ill from depression. And maybe my abuse… It was short, but did it have a permanent effect? I think, in fact I’m sure the homosexuality has the major part and I’m sorry, but I was simply born with it. In the bus Brian (woo-hoo, so often) said
-Wait Nucky, Nucky.
I didn’t expect it from him. It was said to pass and then another student said “Nucky” for the same purpose. I saw John and Elaine sitting on the “removable” seat. Some students were offering I think Marcus to seat but didn’t want. “Come here Nicky” – sb said. I came. I sat next to Dave. Marcus the Pig was sitting in front of us and he was laughing when he saw me. What was funny? Dave said to me “Let him go. He is insane”. I said “OK”. Dave again toughed my cap (hideously). I didn’t react. He told his friend from behind he was sleepy. He leaned his head on the next seat. I could ask him “What time did you go to bed last night? Do you sleep daily?”, but we weren’t close. I mean it would have changed his opinion about me.
Silent. Silence. Only the song – “September”. Before standing one of them, the smallest, said to me: “Come on Nicky, you are bigger”. Dave wasn’t ready to stand. A friend of his asked him to.
On Sport I felt uncomfortable in front of the males (once again) (I mean no closeness between me and them and they seemed so supportive when another talks. It was like I don’t belong there. Like I was sneaking for them not to see me. Rushing. Every time) and I prayed to God not to be the same when the lesson is over. I played badminton with Diana and she told me to go to change. I changed alone. Thank You Jesus!
On French Le Jin asked Andrea if she hung out with me. She said:
-Nick is a good kid.
Our friendship was good, she cared. However the gender was the obstacle.
In the bus while I was walking in order to find place, Stanley asked me:
-Nicky will you sit?
I returned. He moved next to the window and he removed his beg. Me? This means you consider me like one of your friends. Thank you. God will appreciate this. It will all be returned to you. If there was a Thanksgiving in Macedonia I should definitely buy sth to those guys. You mean very much to me.
Darryl looked at me. Yes, I was sitting next to a male. If you don’t want me, you won’t have me. Others will. Then he asked Ethan something. Somebody proposed Stanley to get off down (at the square) to take bulletin. Stanley replied “I don’t bet anymore”. Anyway, he prepared and said “Wait Nicky, I to come out”. I asked him:
-Are you going out?
But obviously it was too quiet. I did it. And then… I heard Rob (Top) saying:
-I thought it was Stanley.
I thought I was ugly to be him.
After I came out, I almost fell on the ice.
I want to dedicate some time about those guys from “the opposite”. Recently I was wondering: Am I doing right? Is this some target of mine who I am obsessed with? Is this like M. N., the Devil, E., Adele…? I never reached my purpose with either one of them. But, on the plus side the time period I want them is shorter and shorter. Consequently: one and a half year, two summers, one semester, two months… How much will this last? Or it’s going in different direction? After all they chose me first (“Nicky”). The target is real. I want to be friend with them. And as there are more people, there are more perks and possibly different endings? Who knows? Thank You Jesus what You surrounded me with so good people, what You showed me the right way and what you keep helping me. Thank You! Not everyone knows appreciate these things like this. God definitely exists and there The-Glory-of-God-in-Christ-Jesus-271x300is no way I leave Him some day. Don’t you feel the presence of Christ?
It may be an inappropriate occasion but I had some difficulties going to the toilet while standing. Again. I just couldn’t. I don’t get out my genitals in front of other people. But then… I remembered God is watching. And when somebody is already watching, it won’t be a big problem for others too. I did it.
God thank You!


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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