Monday – 30.01.2012

I stood in the bus.

On Economy, Adele asked me a question: “How is the economy divided?” She said “Nick” without looking at me. She didn’t look at me when I gave the answer as well.

Andrea sat back and Derek V. used her place for 2 lessons.

After lessons I stayed in the classroom along with the males from Zlox – we had Internet today. Before leaving Darryl asked me:

-Nick aren’t you coming?

-I’m coming.

-Because … (his name for the bus) will come.

-What will you study for tomorrow?

-Philosophy.

We left separately. (And now I wonder why I wrote it above in a dialogue form – did he deserve it?) On the place for waiting John invited me to go there, but I said no. He tried again, I refused. It was because there were 4 or 5 other guys looking at me and because… What am I to him? A now-and-then party?

07125362.interactive.bInside the bus, I stood again. In Ratabitz, when the citizens got out, I stood next to Elaine, next to the “pole”. Marcus the pig along with another student told me there’s a place available next to some George and pointed. As I got closer, I saw the place next to Barbara, but I chose the male because it was him who was said to. And there… surprise. Rudeness, to be precise. He had his legs put on the next seat. And I hoped he was going to remove them, but he said “Sit there”, pointing at the seat next to Barbara. I sat there. After we passed Ratabitz, he had put his legs down. The thing is more than clear. He was discriminating me because of my homosexuality. And why did I try to get sexually excited last night while watching American horror story? Why did I feel my blood down there? No matter what I do I’m still that Nick Paulson, as they think I am. It’s the 21st century and we can’t escape from our body and be alive.

That mountain guy whose first letter is the one after F was worthless but the seat wasn’t. That what he did was more humiliating than what was done to the black people in America before 1950s. I mean he had seat for him, and who was him to decide about the seat next door when there were students standing? And I could have said “Get out of there you poor guy, I’m older than you”. (A man was wanting his money from him once: “Are you gonna fuck me up for my money?”) I don’t understand: What has my homosexuality have with being a person? It is not fair. I can’t be good anymore: somebody in that bus can’t pronounce “R” clearly, somebody’s mother is dead (partially responsible); and father went to jail, somebody repeated the same school year twice, yet they aren’t treated like me. What do they have that I haven’t? In fact sometimes I think the response is: I have much more things more than them and they aren’t able to handle me, so they find someone on their level. Who knows?

Back at home, I was thinking about Adele: It’s true what they say: Sometimes I was too good. I loved her so much and she didn’t look at me not even when she said my name. But she said she wasn’t offended. Was she (later)? At least she believed me when I said I deleted the quiz. She didn’t check. But maybe it was because she was afraid of a “public presentation”. She didn’t look at me maybe because she wanted me not to look at her either, but in the first semester there was a period when she stopped looking at me and I stopped looking at her (the whole question, because: “Treat people as they treat you”) so started looking at me again. Until today. But I won’t repeat the same. I revealed her plan. I will look at her all the time when I answer. In spite of it.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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