26.01.2012 – Thursday

Is there something wrong in the thought I want to be normal?
There isn’t. But the way to accomplish it, may be.

Today I did something that I didn’t consider it as a sin, but it was WORSE than sin.
I’ll start from the beginning. I made 3 Power Point quizzes about my class I-4, back in 2009 with various questions. Last semester I was writing some of Adele’s quotes on the margins of my school books and notebooks. She impressed me with her smile, her very good personality, her beauty and her morals. She became my favourite professor without knowing it. There were some questions in my head about her and some of the other professors. Since I illegally copied her photos from Andrea’s Facebook, I decided to dedicate my quiz for her ONLY. I made a mistake, I started with the quiz. Few questions per day. I told Sarah first and then she told my friends on the birthday with my permission. I was toward the end that Tuesday when Kathy showed her the picture on my computer in school and I wanted to finish it, in case Adele asks me something about the issue and I put the final slide, but my cousin Sarah didn’t return the USB to me. There wasn’t Internet at school. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I wanted Adele to see the quiz and to laugh, but I didn’t have chance to bring it at school via Internet. Not to forget that mum was strongly against showing it to anyone. New Year, holidays, final touches. 18 questions in my PC. The new semester opened a new chance for “screening” my work. Yesterday I copied to my school computer via USB two files: “History Nick” and “Nick” (Adele’s quiz), but hid the second file. Today. All right I will skip something to keep to the subject. Not coincidently on Business, Adele was guessing how they spoke about her when she’s gone. Later, on a break, Tiffany said that we’ve not seen each other this year. I regretted what I didn’t use the chance to ask her if Sarah sent her the quiz. On Management I told Sarah the quiz was there. Sarah said “Show it, Tiff hasn’t seen it. The presentation lasted to its halfway before it was interrupted by Sarah as we were entering deeper in the lesson. She said “I you want I’ll tell her. Do you want?” I said “I don’t know”.

– Cos if you want I’ll tell her.

-Toward the end of the lesson.

I made the quiz thinking that Adele’s gonna see it and… was this my last chance before it goes out of popularity? I thought God sent Tiffany to ask me on the break. But I wasn’t feeling good because I didn’t know how the professor Adele was gonna react. I heard Tiffany saying “He’s not sane. Not everyone can do this.” And Sarah said that she’s uncomfortable telling it. I was shivering. I could barely recognize my handwriting. It was so cold. I wished I felt like I felt on the previous lesson, but I couldn’t. After a while the stress seemed to have disappeared, at least when I wasn’t thinking of it. Luckily while we were writing the plan it rang. Adele took the diary and left. Uninterrupted I was saved. That break, Tiffany wasn’t the only one who saw the rest of the quiz. Her friends Ashley, Cynthia, and an unknown female friend along with IV-4 got interested and enjoyed the questions. You should have seen them. All eyes on my monitor although it was darkened. A shame. Stress again. Unique chance to see some faces laughing so hard in their lives. Darryl came from the yard, Barbara was next to me.

-How come you didn’t tell me?

I don’t remember the answer. Someone, I suppose Diana, said something like:

-What if she scolds you?

-If she scolds me, I can report her for those things on the lessons. So what?

Although it sounded very feministic, Ashley (Tiffany’s friend) greeted me with her hand for my deed: “Beast”. She wanted Adele to find out. The thing that changed everything: Tiffany told Ashley: “Tell Adele to come”. After a while I stood up and went outside my classroom to see what’s going on. Adele was coming. Alone. But she wasn’t looking at me, although she spotted me for sure. Just before the door, when she slowed down, I asked her something what I can’t quite remember but probably the context was “Did you come professor?” She said “Tiffany called me”. Now I don’t know if Tiffany heard that or the Real meprofessor asked “Tiffany what’s up?” Tiffany said: “Not Tiffany, Nick wants to tell you something”. It was over. I couldn’t say anything. Sarah said “Professor, because Nick loves you a lot, he made a videoclip for you”, while I was walking to my place. It was opened. I pressed F5. I said “Sit down”. She saw the first question: “How many people does Adele live with?

2              3              4

-Nick did you do it?

-I did it.

-I have to go to lesson, I’ll come later. She left and I put my jacket on. I prepared for English. E. came again to sit next to me. Molly entered. Darryl asked me if I could make that kind of quiz for Bernard (Macedonian professor) I smiled as I wanted Molly to see me talking to a male and I said I “I can”. I was the only one in jacket from the first row. And just on Monday at a moment I was the only one without jacket on. I was afraid Adele not to come after someone opened the door that tall. It was Derek. The fifth lesson finished. Ashley came again. They told me I to call “her”. I was on my way when Irene told me “She’s outside”. I looked for her in the yard, but there wasn’t a female professor there. I returned.

-She’s outside.

-Where?

-In the hall.

She was speaking to the Law professor, my neighbor, Gilbert. I returned.

-She’s speaking to Gillie.

Ashley: To whom?

– Gillie. Gilbert.

Tiffany: Come on call her. They are speaking nonsense.

-No.

Ashley: Do I need to call her for you?

I peeked once again. On the door I asked Irene:

-Tell me, sincerely is this rubbish?

-You have already showed her. Let her see it.

-Tell me, is this rubbish, sincerely?

-It isn’t. Let her see what you have done for her. You have already told her.

That was right. No coming back. And I wanted. I recalled mum. Ashley went in the hall.

-She’s coming herself.

Adele: Let me see.

She sat next to me. To be precise I think it was now when Sarah used the word “videoclip” although it was far from it.

-A quiz – Adele said.

Me: Are You gonna play it?

Adele: Just to see it, I’ll play it later.

Me: But You’ll find out the answers.

Question No.2: (paraphrased) What is the school principal to Adele?

Adele: Where did you get this information from?

Me: (quietly) Mum.

Sarah: From that what You say on the lessons.

Adele: Where did you get these photos from? From Facebook.

Sarah(maybe Mary): He doesn’t have You on Facebook.

Adele: Where did you get the photos from?

Nick: In personal I’ll tell You.

Adele: Where did you get the photos from?

Nick: May I tell You in personal? I can’t tell You.

Adele: How come you can’t? This is personal.

I turned around to see the faces. There wasn’t Andrea’s.

Nick: Andrea had forgotten her Facebook logged, so I saved them.

She was reading the questions with the open eyes.

-King! (The name of the bar she went to in the 90s, the bell rang) … This isn’t for in front of audience. … Is there much left? I need to go on a lesson.

Sarah: No, he’s near the end.

She stood up before I reached the final slide.

Her: Delete it. You can only send it to me on email.

Me: OK (probably).

I stood up. This was a perfect (I’m glad being able to use “perfect” in a situation like this) moment for apologizing. I said:

-Professor I do apologize if I offended You. It wasn’t my intention to do it.

-You didn’t offend me. Delete it before someone else sees it. Immediately!

She left.

-I can’t do it immediately. (As Tiffany had turned off the computers).

I went to the locker room as we had Sport and changed. When I got out the professor had arrived saying something towards me and everybody was looking at me. How come? Noone was supposed to know about this. Luckily it was because I was the only one wearing sportswear. But the end of the quiz issue wasn’t there. After a short try to play basketball with the boys who changed, Barbara came and said “Why didn’t you tell me? Why you did this?” And then strongly: “Why? To make your mum, your grandma nervous. You think those are thinking good for you. It’s childish. Don’t do it again. OK?”

-OK.

I might have said to her: “I did it because I wanted. Who are you to tell me” or simply: “Fuck off”. But again, I didn’t want to care. Andrea came and asked if those pictures were from her profile. I confirmed. She later came with claiming she gave me the USB with them. I understood the thing as soon as I saw Virginia rushing. The gossipers didn’t have what to pop up with so…

-In personal.

I told Mary on the ear they were just imagining.

-In personal.

In personal. I told Andrea and Mary:

-I didn’t say so. It was my USB. Even if I have done it it’s not true.

I didn’t say sorry to Andrea. It would have been so formal. The first time she came I thought she’d slap me so I was checking my distance. When I think better I had reason to do so (“steal” the photos), I was mad at her then. It was Diana who betrayed me. I went home with taxi: Barbara, me, Diana and Sarah. I lent Barbara 10 denars and got a message “Never to do ‘it’ again”.

I forgot to write about my conversation with Tiffany when she said to Andrea:

Tiffany: It’s not your fault. I mean it’s nobody’s fault.

She said to me:

–Not everyone can do it. You are very courageous. I understand it like an article from newspaper. If it was for me I wouldn’t get offended because you spent time for me. Do you understand?

–Yes.

–I don’t know how she gets it. Everyone has its way of expressing. This is your way to express yourself.

Then I told her the reason why I did the quiz:

– … she to treat me as she treats the others. For example if somebody smiles she tells him, she doesn’t tell me. Once, when we were waiting she said Ethan: Is it cold? She said NOTHING to me.

-You should tell her. You’re shy.

Home I phoned mum and told her. She said: “Don’t tell me not to get nervous”. She said she was going on the other street not to meet Adele.

When she came back she said she did it and she saw Sue, but hid in the pharmacy, because of her possible awareness of the subject. Mum was devastated and advised me. She saw the questions and told dad. Later Mi. came and I, with smiles pretended like nothing happened. Later mum said I should study for an actor.

My opinion: Was this a punishment from God because of my ignorance on some people? Did E. sat to me just God to make me happier? I felt like someone close to me died. I cared about Adele. Ironically I didn’t like her very much at the beginning. I thought she retold as it’s in the book because she didn’t know another way and that I liked Stacey more because although she was strict, “Intelligence connects us”.

Now what is your opinion about this? What should(n’t) have I done in the first place? What is the major mistake? Who was guilty? Who was hurt? How many sides were there? What would you do if you were Diana, Barbara, Andrea, Ashley, Virginia, Irene, Tiffany, Darryl, Sarah, Adele or me?

Now the second issue for the Thursday. Ethan. I was surprised to see his coming after Wilma entered. “Seems like we have a guest. Welcome.” – was the thing I thought when I saw him. However, if this moving had happened in the first semester I would have written this with ovations. It definitely wasn’t the same. Andrea moved back because it was cold and Ethan moved here because he had a habit of moving. Before he sat there, Wilma said “Give me a schoolbook”, and Sarah and Tiffany’s weren’t on the desk, so I gave mine. After E. sat he put his book on the center of our desk, so I could watch too. We had a new lesson and when Ethan turned the page he said:

-These exercises are very big.

I didn’t say ANYTHING. I could have at least confirmed: “They are” or “Only the procedure is long”, but I didn’t. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to “humiliate” myself. At a moment he embraced the book towards himself. It was 26th, he was number 16 and he got asked. I didn’t realize he knew it. And who knows, if I had said sth to him before, maybe he would have asked me how to solve it. But there was a formula for Δf, so I’m not sure what I would have said if he had dared to.

I forgot to write about in the beginning E. asked Darryl if he had a pen. I could have given him, but it wasn’t for him, Darryl didn’t have.

-You want me to give you? – E. said.

I don’t remember the answer. I just remember the speed E. got the pen out of his pencil case. Wow! That for a friend. And I thought it might be considered as homosexual.

Math finished. On the break I went out for a while (in the yard, the snowballs) and when I got in and sat, Barbara came and said “How come that wonder you to go out?”

-It’s interesting to me how they throw each other.

Meanwhile E. came.

Me: Why were you absent yesterday?

Barbara: I had fallen asleep. I meant I hadn’t, I slept until 9. (I smiled. E. switched the monitor. How come I didn’t remember it I to switch it first? Now if I do it, it would be looking from him. Just at the end of the conversation.)

Barbara: Plus, I’m sick. My throat hurts, my tonsils attacked.

Nick: (I interrupted her. I wanted E. to see I have friends too. I can go without him. So what? It was just a different gender. And both genders are equal in front of the court.) Did you watch the handball yesterday?

Barbara: What?

Nick: Did you watch the handball yesterday?

Barbara: Yes, I did. We won right?

Nick: Uh huh.

She left. I switched the monitor on and played Gnometris. Just like him. His friend Derek came and talked to him. What was I trying to prove with Barbara? He was way better than me. Sarah came and touched my back, I smiled and told her about the quiz. You know the next. … Here I can only mention E. looked at the quiz. I spoke to Sarah. I wanted to prove I had friends too. Was I competitive with him? However after I got stressed I changed my mind. It was E.. The so wanted person. After I completed my English exercise on the lesson I quietly said “See”. No reaction. Then louder: “See Ethan” and moved a little the book. I was surprised by the response. He said “Leave it, leave it” and looked at his book. Did he rewrite it from me before? Or he was returning me for maths? Maybe none of the above. I feel like I will never get the answer. Not to forget, this time the number of lessons he sat next to me is 3.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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