Wednesday 07.12.2011

Around 7 a.m. I arrived to the place where we waited for the bus. E. was the last standing. I didn’t stand right next to him, but there was a distance. Melanie passed around me without saying anything to me. She was the privileged person who stood next to E.. They chatted a while and then Melanie turned around toward me and out her hand with her palm up. What could I do? I put my palm faced with hers and waited she to do the greeting. I was smiling because she asked me sth. E. was looking at me. It is positive because it seemed I liked friends, and negative because Melanie was a female.

On a break Darryl showed E. some photos. Darryl turned the computer toward Andrea. I expressed curiosity. He flipped it on my side and… there was a picture of half-naked girls and not his “anaconda”. I interrupted my watching as soon as I figured it out. I should have been more open minded. I regretted for the situation.

…I went to see who was in the hall, when I returned someone called “Nikey!” Was it Denise? No, it was Melanie. She was giving a massage to Irene and called me because she wanted me to continue. She wasn’t strong enough. I did it. It was on the neck and I watched out not to get out of her bra’s suspenders. Someone pointed me out. “Eat his ears” – said Irene. After a while Darryl who was in Andy’s row, also noticed the situation with a comment. E. who was also there said “Aaa”. That shout was enough for me to give up. So what? It was asked from me. If you don’t accept me like a friend of yours, I’ll pass to love. (Ya think I’ll wait for ya?) Actually it wasn’t from love. If I wanted to play dirty I would have stretched her bra and saw how it affected to her boobs. When I returned, Barbara who was sitting on the heating asked me if I was available after school. I said I was and she asked if she could come at my place to transfer photos. I told her what grandma said about Elaine (to use her aunt’s computer) and dad’s comment that they didn’t come when my PC was on repair. She defended herself that she didn’t come for the PC. I said “If you want come. It doesn’t depend on me” (despite her callings I to go to buy food with her).

On management after somebody’s phone rang, Adele said we were very wanted.

A friend of E. (Rob) and a friend of Derek (from Dobrevo) separately asked me where their friends were. I told them they are on additional philosophy lesson. Why were they wanted, not me? What do they have that I don’t have? How come they became friends? However this is a step. I can’t say I wasn’t given opportunities. I just always found flaws: low intelligent, loves football, thinks that violence is the only way to solve problems, always thinks of sex, has a leisure way of life, double-faced, swears… I didn’t want to admit it was because they are males. Why to stand only when we can speak, explore?

In the bus I sat with Melanie.

Home, I read the most sexual conversation ever. It was the conversation between M. and Alexandra.

Then, lying on the bed, I was thinking about “Darryl’s girls”. I imagined like the camera goes through a leg and just as it was approaching the ass, I got sexually excited on a girl for the first time in my life. Of course it wasn’t so strong like I have had on male, but it was enough to move my excretory organ with the brain only. I could hardly believe it. I cried. I always waited for them to invite me, I never took the initiative on my own. It was because I was afraid I would fail. I repeatedly said “Thank You Jesus.” Did this miracle happen because it was a holiday? That afternoon at exactly 17:04 for the very first time I saw a falling star live. It was trough my window and it moved very fast. It was small and it had the colour of the stars. Of course, it fell in some direction. That definitely meant sth new. A new chapter in my life.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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