Friday 23.09.2011

God gave me a gift.

I felt rageous. I was rageous last night. Since yesterday I prepared myself what to say to Barbara to get the money back. It’s a small amount of money but I didn’t spend it for me, I didn’t buy food. That was my mother’s money. She works for me. I feel guilty for the loss. In the end, I say:

40 denars = 40 bonbons = whole treasure

Do you think I’m wrong? That money (15 denars) could be given for some insignificant thing, but I would know, that it was spent for me. Not returning money is like accepting you are for charities and offending real people for charities.

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We had sport as a first lesson. This morning I had contacts with E.. In the locker room he asked me “What are we doing Economy?” –New – I said, looking at him. But she will probably ask someone before”– he said. “Uh-huh” – I said. “Ah I don’t care. I studied all week, she didn’t ask me”- he said, not being faced with me. We played volleyball. I was in his team and more than once the ball came between us, he was gonna hit it, I was gonna hit it, I gave up, we lost a score. We didn’t count, but the opposite team won.

I was waiting for the break before the second lesson since the previous day to see what was Barbara gonna do about the money situation. And guess what? She left her bag and walked around the classroom singing “Излези момче…” She was boring to the students and I assumed she was nervous because “if she sits, I’ll ask her about the money”, so she was avoiding the moment by singing. She sat, I was a bit surprised and waited the right moment to ask her. She spoke to me first: “I forgot your money again.”

-You forgot it again. I don’t believe you anymore.

-But I (smiling) forgot it, do you get it?

– (I didn’t smile) I knew you were gonna say that. How can you do like that? Later when we’ll come out of the bus I’ll come at your place you to give it back to me.

-But I won’t get out “up”.

-Don’t you feel… (I was trying to find the right word)

-All right, we are close.

-When are you coming to my place?

-It’s 15 denars. It’s not 100 or 200.

A silent second. The professor entered.

During the lesson she asked me what should we read and what was that written on the desk. I love when one event doesn’t loose the communication between individuals. It’s better that way.

After Philosophy, I sat next to Andrеа. It was the big break, so there weren’t many students inside. She had her Facebook signed in on my computer and I used the chance to open E.’s profile. I darkened the computer first and went to his profile. He had many “family members”. All his photo albums had something with football, but one – “At uncle’s wedding”. It contained three pictures. I opened the one where there were his family, his uncle and the bride. I turned back, he was out. I logged out of Andrea’s profile. The thing I call a gift from God happened on the third lesson – history. We had an interrogation next lesson, so the professor asked who doesn’t have a book. I think we were: I, E., Denise and Derek (Elaine and Cassandra – the new one were absent). This lesson E. sat on Barbara’s place for philosophy and logic. The professor said “Go (pointing at me) Paulson and Ethan at Andy’s (the one responsible for the books) in the library…” I didn’t care, I was happy what we’ll go together and I was just wondering myself “When should I stand up?” E. stood up first, I stood up after him, I closed the door. Brenda saw me and asked me “Nick, where are you?” “I’m here”, I said. I reached E. outside and he started:

-You haven’t got a history book?

-I haven’t.

-They came earlier and they took ‘em.

I wanted to say “We waited”, but I didn’t  Why? Well, it would have been like statistics – nothing that he didn’t know and who knows, maybe I would have been offensive with “we”. It would have been like blaming us. In fact we waited because there was a queue – numbers like in the school diary (I’m 14, he’s 16) and there were 17 books, but the wiser students (including Barbara – 22) took our turn. Anyway, E. told me “first we’ll go to the library”. I didn’t say anything. I should! At least OK! But I was confused from the whole situation. I didn’t even listen to the professor about where else we should go. Some boys saw us. He gripped the lock of the library, it was locked. He said sth about that we should go in the office or in the school. I was quiet again. Do I feel fear from him? But what could I asked? I hoped we would have the books. While we were walking back together (feel happy I can write this word referring to E. and me), I felt contented, filled with energy. I even opened my mouth for a little smile. Here I remembered God. The previous day I cried for E.. Now God helped me. He exists. There was only a woman in the office. E. asked for Andy, her conclusion was he is on a lesson. We returned. Not a single word on the way. I could say “There were just books for us, they were seventeen, but these pushed forward.” And he would have said something. He opened the door to the classroom. He expected me to go first. I stood. He entered and I – after him. He explained the professor and he said “Later”. Nothing from it.

While I was waiting the bus, I saw a boy and a girl walking. The boy looked alike to a 2nd year student who travels with me. What if that was him? Would the girl have been his friend or a girlfriend? And not rarely I can be seen with girls. That makes me distanced from the guys. I remember at the beginning of this school year when Kathy told me she saw me or they saw me with a girl from 2nd year and I was holding her hands. She didn’t just say I was with a girl because I could say she was a friend of mine. No one had need to add details if it was about the guy from 2nd year. That’s the problem why I don’t have male friends. That day I realized that my female friends are closer with females and that’s why I’m not any girl’s best friend now. I used to think that best friends at a higher age can be formed generally if they are mad at their former best friend, but I was wrong. The new best friend maybe surpassed the old one or maybe the person has confronted different circumstances. Being gay is a hard thing. What are straight people more than us so they can have the body they want, aren’t rejected by the society and their friends are accepting them easily? Why?

When mum and Sarah (cousin) arrived I was reserved with them. Later that day Sarah (c.) told me I looked like a different person. Sarah also said it was late for males to accept me as a friend. She guessed that the mouse that M. bought me one week ago actually mum bought it. Her assumption turned out to be correct when grandma told her M. bought it, but mum was gonna return him the money. He probably did this I to accept him. You can’t even trust to your relative.

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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