Desires + Discontents

August, the 3rd and the 4th were days without the Devil.

In the evening after the holiday I plucked some of my legs hair with my teeth, because I thought dad shaved his legs. It was like I had sex. It was dark, it hurt me a little, yet it was a pleasure and the more I had, the more I wanted to. The morning result wasn’t satisfying. The bare change wasn’t recognized by anyone. In the evening I attended to the celebration for baptism of a relative of mine – Christian. Before we left I opened myself and told mum I didn’t want to wear shorts because they were gonna look at my legs hair and that I WANTED TO SHAVE! She didn’t allow me. The men didn’t shave and she’s gonna ask somebody… I wore trousers at the event.

gay-lustYesterday, on the 5th I saw the Devil twice. First it was from the window of grandma’s house and for the first time actually he was talking on his phone. I think he said “I didn’t tell her. I just…” He stopped and continued, wearing his long blue shorts with pink T-shirt. The second time was when I and mum were about to go home, Daphne (Rose’s sister) stopped us, I saw him but I couldn’t look at him longer. Sarah (c.) called “Nick!” from the window, I said “I know. I know.” She told me today he was wearing grey trousers and I don’t remember what colour shirt. Today I asked her if she thought he was hard-working, `cos I think he’s not, she said he wasn’t. I saw him at 17:09, he was on his phone again. I went for a walk “downtown” with my parents and when we (Daphne, mum, I and Debra) were returning, he passed. He was with another person shorter than him. I wanted to know who it was so I turned around and all I saw was a male body covered with yellow outfit. Actually it might have been light green. Who was him?

After I returned home, I looked from the window at a moment and I noticed him again. Wasn’t sure if it was him, but the blue shorts confirmed that. I spotted he’d got a big ass and I couldn’t get my eyes off of it.

During a match of the tournament I recalled a technique that is used by psychiatrists – writing letters to express my feelings about certain person, but I’ve got distracted and didn’t manage to write `em so I’ll leave it for later.

Three or four days ago I saw the Devil through the window at 17:05. He wore glasses. He returned at 18:16. When I and mum went “downtown” he was sitting opposite the shop and actually he was smoking! I’ve put in my head I saw him 6 times that day, but I can’t remember the 4th and the 5th. However, in the evening when I and mum were coming home we saw him with Christine. Mum looked at them, and when we came in I didn’t close the door completely, I said “I want to watch them. To see if they are going to kiss each other”. “Who?” asked grandma. “Sheila’s son and this one…’s daughter” – mum replied. They didn’t kiss. They just walked away hugged.

The next days I saw him from the terrace and from the window the evening while I was waiting for Greg to call me to go out. When he did, I was nervous, so when mum was preparing me or giving me pieces of advice in dad was just looking at me. I stretched his face below the right eye. It was rage deposited with years. I had need to do that. I had a need to see him suffer. “It” is maybe the only thing I can never forgive.

About the evening with Greg… it wasn’t with him only. There were Derek and John. We first sat on the stairs, then we went at the Sipka’s – a shop with tables from the front. We drank Pepsi. The conversation mainly revolved about me. And now the questions: “Did you want yellow cola? Don’t you eat meat? What was the decease the models had? Do you eat bread? Have you ever been to Babin Most? Do you watch “Rebel”? Did you cover the hole? Which girl do you want I to set up to you? Is she good? Who’s gonna be your partner for the prom? Do you listen to rap? Do you beat your grandma (asked 3 times)? Are you completely excellent? From first until now? Who do you hang out with in your class? How many boys are you? Who? Does Sarah know? Mary? Who knows the most? And what you say, Derek knows a little. What’s your telephone number? What do you do at home? Do you want I to seek a girl for you? Are you exercising sth? Will we go to basketball tomorrow? Are Alan and you related?” At the end, I paid for the Pepsi that we drank from. He said he was gonna treat me another time. It was almost midnight when I came home.

Yesterday, the Devil was driving Rabbit’s car. There were two armchairs in the trailer. I suppose those were his. Did they (his family) buy sth new, so they’re out of space? Today around afternoon sb was talking. I thought it was the craftsman for the tap, I was wrong. It was the Devil. He was talking to Martin (the son of our family enemies) and he was opposite me, so I could see his face, maybe he saw me. I saw he was wearing new white shorts. In 17:20 he passed again. He was coughing.

This morning I had a dream that made me happy. I was sitting on desk in my primary school, my teacher from 1st to 4th grade, Stella, erased sth I wrote on the book cover. When the lesson ended, Ethan took wheat in a plate and put it in a bag. On the road he asked me to bring his bag. I accepted and I was happy that we had to interact again when I’ll pass it to him, but when I was in front of my house he wasn’t there. Where had he gone? Luckily grandma was on the windows, I asked her, she said Ethan wasn’t coming in for one or half an hour. I stood there looking for him and I woke up. I didn’t want.

That evening Greg called me again. M. only observed me. It’s not fair. See why he means so little to me? With us there were Justin, T.G. and some big guy from Ratabitz. Someone gave idea to sit at Zloxery. I didn’t want, but I didn’t say it and I think God listened my wish and they decided to go at Greg’s. Some time before we came in at “Zlox’s pearl” (it’s not a pearl, trust me) Justin was peeing on grass, aside the road. “He’s taking a leak? And I thought I am the one who’s crazy.” Inside, I ordered juice. “Still”, I said. I took it from Sammy. Before I go, I ate two pieces of watermelon and I really didn’t want to drink anything. The juice was from kiwi. John and Brian joined us. It was the most vulgar conversation in my life, live. The “big one” (I don’t remember how they called him. His real name wasn’t said) was frequently using profanities (except when he had enough other words to complete the sentence) and Brian addressed Greg “dog”. Just like in movies. Brian went on holiday in Ohrid and he said: “A girl, we, 5 persons fucked her for 100 denars”. Amazing. When I heard that, I thought they will ask me something about it, so I would have pretended I had understood “fucked up. First of all, I was surprised by the word, I don’t dare to say that kind of words. Even when I report what someone said, if the word contains an “r”, I don’t pronounce it clearly. He used the word in its literal sense. I thought most people use substitution like: had sex, sexed, intercourse, sexual intercourse, slept, hooked up, banged, but he felt liberty to say “fucked”. And about the act… he embarrassed Zlox. It’s a crime, isn’t it? He doesn’t care about honesty, he only cares about his pleasure. What kind of pleasure is that? Sinful. (Seems like there’s no person left in Zlox who keeps his/hers virginity for the marriage). And he was a golden child.


Further, the big one said “Weren’t you sorry? Each one should have given her 100”. Greg said to me: “Did you see?” What? It’s a pride? That means I should do what Brian does? It doesn’t deserve to be called achievement. In fact, why do I write this? He had sex for several minutes, maybe more than I’ve thought of it. It’s God’s thing to punish or to forgive him. “I see”, I said. The big one asked me why I didn’t drink beer. I said it was harmful. “Harmful for what?” – he said.. “For the health” – I responded. Greg said to that “The juice is harmful too. It has sugar”. I don’t care. I’d rather drank nothing if I could. I couldn’t drink mineral water because nobody does. I looked down. “Speak something. Talk.” – said the big one. “He should drink beer to relax. Should I ask him if he beats it off? No. It doesn’t make sense.” I pretended like I didn’t hear it. Just kept drinking my juice. I didn’t have the response. I would have said: “How can you ask me sth like that?   No.” Is it “no”? Because I did it since M. asked me. But it was just once. I don’t do it anymore. “No” would have been correct because “beat off” means beat. So, no, I don’t beat it. I wonder what would have been his reaction if I have said “Yes. I do it on males.” How didn’t he recognize I was gay? He initially thought I was Greg’s relative. “He is my friend” – was heard by Greg. Another thing I forgot to say is when we were at the square I thought: How handsome guy I’m going out with. The phrase “as friend” ruined the inspirations.

Later Greg went at the Sipka’s. I didn’t go there as I felt I had lack of money. He said “Do you want to go home?”


-Come on. Should I call you tomorrow?

-Yes. Bye.

But there was Arena B-13 with B-13 next day in the evening…


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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4 Responses to Desires + Discontents

  1. makagutu says:

    hahahaha! this is awesome. How do you manage such a discussion with yourself. I can’t come close to even half of it

    • Real real me says:

      First of all thank you for finding this interesting, I’m kind of new here and I really need support. Well, as you see most of the time I’m alone so I find writing amusing. I analyze things, then I fantasize what I wish to happen. Thanks & keep reading me. 🙂

      • makagutu says:

        you are welcome, no it is really interesting. just keep doing your thing, remaining always honest to yourself even if no one reads, just have the conversations with yourself, with time others will join in the conversation.
        i will keep coming, no doubt and thanks for finding time to read my many random musings 🙂

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