Explosive day

From a cemetery in the morning to a bar in the night. A very interesting day to me. Where was the peak point? (In the evening, I suppose.)

I have a possible start for all of the events. You guess. Your imagination. Think!

-I didn’t cry this time.

-That pervert kid. He’s shameless.

-The moment happened. He asked me. Why do men think of sex so often?

-Tape recorded. Public awaited.

-God, she really cares about me.

-Oh. 3 times? (A-A coincidence) the Devil and E.. Yes. Now them. Imagine.

-Impossible! On the next table?! Whoosh. God loves me even when I don’t think of Him. / The feeling I saw them. First time lucky. That’s what we call luck is just God’s willingness.

Time passes. It’s been a year since my great granddad died. We went to cemetery to mark it. It was supposed to be at 9, but I and mum were late because I was watching a rerun of “Diablo”. I didn’t cry like the previous day. I must mention the pie on the cemetery last evening. I really love that time – At twilight (as Rose used to say) I haven’t eaten such a good pie with years! We arrived at grandma’s house (- Michal’s house), they gathered in the room to eat along with the priest and I stayed upstairs. Alex – a kid, my relative, who says everything he wants, said: “This one is hiding” referring to me and pushed the door to open it. I’m writing about him because I want you to know about a comment he made for me when we came at my house to call my dad. It was: “His dick is noticeable.” How dare he?! OK, he’s just a little child and I see him very rarely (maybe last time in 2009), so it needn’t worry me.

When the women were cleaning downstairs M. came up and said to me: “Come here to lie down on the bed. To ask you something.” Oh, my God! He wanted to ask me “that” question. The one he hinted in front of his family and mum once. His words were: “I need to ask you a question in private. Men’s stuff”. Naturally I would be interested to find out the thing, but I knew what was the question. He asked me once. Like two years ago. I answered nothing. I consider it for luck, because before that, I said “I’m not telling you anything anymore. He tattled me to grandma and Marlyn. And back to present I was trying to delay or postpone or drop the moment of asking me that by drinking the Pepsi cola. I ran down and called Sarah (c.) and said: “Uncle’s gonna ask me that question. The shameful one. What should I do?”

She wanted him to ask me and she to hear. I went up. She stayed in the kitchen.

Here’s the conversation:

M.: You see, yesterday the Gegoat with the girls. … And you… Maybe they make love.

Me: I don’t believe.

M.: He’ll whistle it to her, he will.

Whistle it? Michael and his phrases. It means put it. Couldn’t he say like that? Why it had to be different, like when he mentions sb: good for nothing, scamp (that’s me) this one, pompom…  We have names! Who is he to name us? Why such personalities exist? For instance he said “got pumped” (her to get pregnant) or “bumped” (for failing the year). Back to the subject, why men think of sex so often? There’s food, love, sins, religion, weather, past, future, careers, poor people, good people and they… they… sex?

Btw where he learnt the particular word? It can’t be whistled. Does it make a sound? Who blows it?

Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women'...

M.: …And you, you’re shy. “I’m shy”.  You will go to faculty. You will be with roommates from Bitola, Gostivar, let’s say. You’ll need to pee.

Me: It’s not sure if I’m going to faculty.

M.: What do you wanna study? For a doctor?

Me: No.

M.: Gynecologist.

Me: No.

M.: You’ll be a gynecologist. You will look the females. You’ll look their pussies.

No shame. Sex again. The Doctor’s son Derek studies gynecology and when M. found out, he said “Aa he’s chosen the occupation.” Why is that enjoying for him?

Me: I don’t want. I’ll have to study a lot.

M.: You’ll finger in the pussies of the women to see if they are pregnant.

Me: They’ll check alone. (Signifying there are tests. (Yes. Practical.))

M.: Gynecologists check that.

It’s not acceptable to me. I to be involved in those stuff just because of that. To watch them. Isn’t that accompanied with sexual fantasies? Isn’t that lust? And lust is cheating, right? It happens in the thoughts. And he believes in God! Our biology professor Sue informed that the vagina for gynecologist is the same as eyes to eye doctor. And he/she became an eye doctor just because of the wish to watch eyes? I doubt it. There’s a whole science beyond looking. It’s different if sb becomes a gynecologist out of interest of the process called pregnancy, to care about the embryos, out of the joy being the first one to hold the baby after its birth, hear the first cry. The food balance is also important while carrying the baby. It is not everything about embryos, but also diseases. It may sound like a challenge looking another woman nude and not cheating your wife in thoughts.

Then, I stood up to look through the window to see who was talking and… the question came.

M.: Do you jerk it off?


Me: No.

The best answer I’ve heard to this question? “Only in pussies”, by Anthony, an ex-classmate.

M.: Don’t you jerk it off?

Me: NO.

M.: Why?

Me: We aren’t animals (thinking of the instincts). We should refrain ourselves. There are smarter things.

M.: Which man doesn’t jerk it off?

I was quietly whispering: “me”.

On the TV show “Sexual alphabet” on MTV 1, a doctor, Pavle Pavlev claimed that almost every young man masturbates and 80% of the females do it.

How come he hasn’t ever ever tried to stop? It’s for shame. Why didn’t he try to see how hard it is? He has no idea. I stopped at the beginning of July. The best way to stop something is to feel like you haven’t done it all life. He probably does it every day. How nasty! How primitive. Who am I to judge?

M.: Do you cum in the night?

Me: Sometimes.

M.: Do you know what’s that what comes out (say “it comes out of the dick”, dare)?

Me: I guess.

M.: What is it?

I gave a fake smile. It wasn’t real because I had no reason to smile. It is so disgusting (the sperm).

Me: I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.

M.: If you don’t talk to me, who are you going to talk with? You don’t talk with your dad. Will you talk to your mum?

I stood up and went out of the room. He came after me.

Later, when he, Marlyn and Sarah (c.) came to visit me, M. said: “I asked him that question, it didn’t matter.” It is not necessary. We can live without it. Besides it’s not real what we think in our heads. Sex is the right thing. And I can do it as soon as I get married. I want to talk about this with someone of my age. Someone I can feel as a part of me. I want to compare me. I want to know how often he does it.

This is the last thing about this subject: The reasons I stopped masturbating are: the answer of “that” question (I don’t wanna lie) and because I read the newspaper article that claims that beard grows faster if men have sex more often.



Before M. and Marlyn came, Sarah took a gay photo of me posing like B13. Mum disliked it and after the guests left she advised me that those people are crazy, they’re not raised well. She said B13’s parents were divorced and that he’s been to a mental hospital. I can imagine what he did there. Mum even cried. I recorded her with my cell phone. She said that if I admit in public that I’m gay, she will move me out. I revealed her I admitted my homosexuality at school, just the tape to be juicier.

In the last hours of the afternoon I took a walk with grandma Yolanda (entouraged, of course) and we have discussed… in fact she gave me pieces of advices about how to beat my shyness and talk to others. During the talk she mentioned all her four grandchildren. Her most memorable quote was “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Ashamed is one who stole something…

Like every day I attended to the tournament with dad. S&S were playing. They lost with the result 3:1 (3:0 according to me). Sammy gave an autogoal. It could happen to anyone. And then… a match in which the Devil and E. were playing. There was an interesting situation when the ball got out and the Devil should have kicked while E. stood opposite him (holding himself “there”, of course). The Devil kicked the ball, E. turned around and the ball was returned by his butt. A friend of him, sitting near me made a comment: “If you didn’t turn around…” The second time, Ethan was hit by the ball on the same way. There was a third time. E. stopped the ball from going further with his leg. “Oh”, reacted the Devil. He didn’t swear like the time when there were sunflower peelings at the corner of the playground (“Let’s fuck…”). The fourth time E. turned around but the ball went beyond him. Devil’s team won the match.

Finally the evening came. I had arranged going out with Greg (my ex-classmate). After my returning from the playground, I and Sarah (c.) went to buy toasts while mum stayed on the street with Greg’s mother, Sharon. We were returning, he was coming. While I was eating the toast, Greg and his mother were taking money from ATM. He waited for me for a while and when we met (I was with M.) he asked me where I wanted to go. My answer was “I don’t know”, so we went at Greg’s bar (not his). (There was Paul  – a singer who played keyboard and we shook hands.) He drank beer, I took Schweppes.

During the sitting he asked me: What do you do at home? Which movies do you watch? Bandini? Are you going to holiday? Why? Do you watch football? Why not? Will you go on the river tomorrow? Do you have to plan everything? From today to tomorrow? Is Derek from your class? What kind of music do you listen to? Say now.

schBitter_Lem_200mlIt was a periodical conversation filled with profanities. I didn’t look straight at him but I thought he looked like a Latino because of his dark skin. His skin was soft and his T-shirt was attached to his body. He poured me Schweppes from the bottle to the glass. People started to come, girls were passing, and I thought  a comment about their look in my mind. One was “exclusive”, the second “well-clothed” and I was attracted by the straight hair from the third one. Just a look closer and… (try to guess first) It was Christine. With the Devil. He was wearing those jeans from last summer. Wow! This is my first time out with friend and I saw him! I related it with God. And… They sat at a table next to ours! The Devil didn’t sit opposite me, I could have been from the other side if only there hasn’t been Paul. I didn’t want to turn my back to him when we arrived, so I didn’t sit on my first spotted place. A pity. I was really glad that he was there, that he would see me and I smiled secretly. I wanted to stay more, but Greg was rushing and we stood. Wait. Before that I wasn’t sure if it was the Devil and I was shy to look straight at the person, but I decided to do it, and then “Devil, Devil”, someone called him. And I said in my mind I must look at him when we stand up. When we did, I looked there (what do you think?), he wasn’t looking at me, but at Greg. We went to the carousel but it wasn’t working yet. On the road Greg found out that some of his friends went at Greg’s and he said “Why we left ?” Don’t blame me, I wanted we to stay, but you… I wanted to go there back again, unfortunately I only had 10 denars. Our farewell happened abruptly. He said he was going at the “dogs” and he passed his right hand. I knew how should it look like, but I have done it only one time before. It was like interweaving. At the end my thumb ended up over his fingers. And he left. I didn’t manage to say to him: “Thank you for separating an evening for me”. M. stopped me on the road. I went home, told my family and started writing in my diary.

A very important Saturday.

At the end I want to say luck is God’s willingness or destiny. I do believe in luck. And not accidently my ex-classmate and Christine’s boyfriend are both Gregs. Force majeure.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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