Football & passion

“That was the most interesting football match in my life.”

Saturday, 23rd of July, 2011. Wedding. Our relative. Village Sokolarci.
We – I, my parents, M., mum’s parents, Sarah (cousin) and her parents were about to attend to the wedding of the grandma’s brother’s niece. She is barely 21. She is second year on faculty (Geography) and she is pregnant. (This reminded me of Ashley’s “He’s very shy, he is vegetarian and he is very complicated” about me in Florence.) Isabel is her name. I disliked the wedding. Isn’t she young for marriage? We go there because of a pregnancy. We EAT there because of SEX. How disgusting! Where they did it? However, when we arrived, she wasn’t laughing. Not even on photos. She wasn’t happy.


I was planning to write about the whole event (my (un)laughing, my going to women’s room where the bride was, the man with lifted butt, my dancing, my “contacts” with unfamiliar relatives, food, grandma’s worries about me, creating good opinion about an uncle, M.’s anger about transport), but I decided to focus on the evening. Sammy and Steven (my cousins) were playing on the tournament. After getting off the van, I and dad rushed to the playground. S&S hadn’t started yet. When they did, I followed the game. They were passing the ball between them. Their team seemed to have a bigger possession of the ball until a guy from the opposite side was determinately approaching the goalpost. He was leading the ball alone. He was body built like E. and it was… Guess who. The Devil. Steven confronted with him making the ball go “out”. I continued watching with attention. It was definitely the most interesting football game to me. It made me move my body to see where the ball went. The loud shoutings and the experience of the players made the game more exciting. I’m writing this after four days, so I can hardly remember what the result was, I guess 2-2. The second half time was on and wanted it to be more interesting than the previous one. Maybe it would have been if the player who fell and hurt his legs was the Devil. I thought it was him. I filled my eyes with tears. He was sitting on the ground. When he stood up, he desperately wanted to sit. I was thinking “If only God can transfer his sins to me”, but it was impossible. Fortunately, later I saw the Devil playing, so I realized it wasn’t him. Dad later told it was Phillip. Dad mentioned the Devil a lot after the beat referring the “Playboy” team and to emphasize his strength. At one occasion when grandma was comparing them with S&S she said “How can they (S&S) win with the Stork, Sheila’s (I wanted to smile) husband (- referring the Devil, I broke into laughing). Oo her son”. Her mistake saved me.


A really important event is the visiting of our godfather and the godmother. When dad was telling him about the sporting event, he numbered the Playboys – “The Devil, on the Stork, on the Mushika…” I was looking at him in face and after the third one I looked down. Didn’t want it to be after the first. Acting.

Actually this was the first time I to talk with adult about me and beard in the last 10 years. At a point the godmother said “There are beautiful girls now.” I said “They dress up well”, but they didn’t hear me. I as a partial gay love female clothes. On the wedding we saw a girl with a green dress and a tie behind it. I can only guess what was lighter and what darker, but that outfit looked perfect.

The godmother: They’ll start to look at you. You’ll start shaving. You don’t have beard yet.
Rob, (her son) started shaving in the third year.
Dad: Third for forth. I was shaving then.
The godmother: You will start.
I: I’ll start.
Didn’t know what else and did want to talk on the subject.
Dad: It’s better not to have.

The next day I suppose I was reading sth on my PC and I stood up to see if he was passing and he was! He was! I said: “God! God! Jesus!” being surprised by his appearance and imagine, he kissed his cross from his necklace. I was even more surprised. You can’t say this was a coincidence. He asked sth my lil neighbour Nick. I was so happy. This doesn’t happen to ordinary people. He BELIEVES in God! That’s why his team wins on the tournament. That’s why he has so good relationship with Christine. And maybe that’s why Jesus connects me with him.

He was wearing his long blue shorts and when I was thinking about his passing I wondered how much of his leg hair is visible, and then I realized: he shaved. His nude torso proved it. Last summer I asked Sarah (c.)if his chest hair is evenly deployed. Like Steven once said: “All footballers shave.”


About the next days I have a few things to separate: I and granddad were sitting near the wall. The Devil was coming from the playground. I removed my head from the “game”, but neither was pointed towards him and he runningly passed the stairs near me. I thought: “he hates me, but hate is the strongest feeling after love”.

The following day he wasn’t playing. I and dad sat on the stairs between the middle and the east side. He later came with Christine and sat close to us. I think he looked at me three times of which the second took him longer as I wasn’t blinking. I wanted to succeed and I did it. I moved my head a little. He stopped looking at me. I noticed that dad was looking at him when he shook hands and hugged with a friend of his. I only “looked” with my eyes (not head).
At home I stood many times to see him. A small number – 2 were successful.

They constantly won.

I want to finish this chapter with a thought that appeared after Ethan raised his T-shirt on the playground: Why would I look there, when there are no feelings?


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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