Diabolical attraction

“Sometimes I really want to say “Thank you” to God profoundly.”

After that thought I believed that God is better (has more goodness) than He’s righteous. My soul isn’t clean, yet He pleasures me. Today the Devil had a football match. Yesterday I and dad (again, it already seems boring, but it’s the reality) walked again above the playground and I saw him in the audience. He was in the second row, turned around and said to a kid sth about bunny. Actually he called him “Bunny”. I think he saw me. Imagine what was the possibility I to see him who btw was sitting in the second row, just by two passings. It was him, not sb else. We, the people really owe a lot to God.

Who is the DEVIL?

I never gave you explanation about him. First time when I heard that was, I think in my fifth grade when Barbara (a friend of mine, she says we’re neighbours) interrupted our walk because he was there. Near the square. As the time passed, my sexuality was developing and I stared at him when he passed by my house. He was good-looking with that dark tan and his powerful face. Once I saw him in his yard, so I learnt where he lived. Near me. Between my and Barbara’s houses. In recent years my uncle M. had crush on the Devil’s sister – Mary. She was a shop assistant at her relatives’ shop which is near M.’s house and he didn’t miss a chance to buy sth from there when it was her shift. Love. It hurts, right? I learned their family moved from Kastonitz. The reason? Poverty, probably. I forgot to mention the Devil had (still has) a girlfriend Christine Her brother is considered to be gay according to some villagers including me. She’s so beautiful and they have a long lasting relationship.

…Ah, that fearful bright face. I’ll never forget him. When I revealed my cousin Sarah that I was gay, I told her about him. I love him and when I passed aside the shop, he often sat opposite the shop, I laughed because I was shy from him. I watched him at his matches. There was a situation last year when I and Sarah went to a football match of his and near him there was an “out” and when the player from the opposite team was preparing the ball, the Devil grabbed his crotch and he saw I was looking at him, but he kept holding his hands there because otherwise he could have been hurt. I didn’t look there all the time, I was aware that he or other people could see me. It just… It was impossible for me not to look there as he seemed like he exibitioned that part, he formed like a triangle ( ) with his hands and his short black (the colour of power) shorts were raised. The ball didn’t go there. Later I asked Sarah what kind of underwear he had, she made two possible guesses.

On the second of August last year, it was the funeral of my great granddad. When we walked from his home to the cemetery, bringing his body, I and mum walked first with the wreath and I don’t know why we stopped near the shop. He was at the opposite of it. This time he was standing. He looked at me, but I was serious. Probably he was looking at me because I wasn’t laughing this time. At the church M. was looking at me, I’m certain the reason was because of my seriousness. Why would I laugh? There’s so much pain in this world. Now I laugh when I’m shy. Because there always are inappropriate questions that I could be asked.

“Wow! We almost crashed!” That was the title that I wanted to start a last year chapter with. However, I never did it. Here’s what it is about: One summer night, I can’t recall was it before or after the funeral I and mum were walking “downtown” beside the betting office “Horizont” and I wasn’t looking forward. I was looking down. Suddenly it came out a body in front of me. Not anybody’s body. It was the Devil along with his Christine. He said “Ooh”. And we continued our way. They probably came out from “Zloxery”. Imagine. That was him. What’s the possibility I to almost crash with someone? I don’t remember I was in such a situation before or after. And what was the possibility from all people from Zlox he to be there, at that place, at that time? It could have been mum from the left side, not me. God wanted this way. It wasn’t a coincidence.

His team won last year (2nd of August). I saw him once leaned on the fence. I was so illusioned about him… But then I learnt or recalled of “even if you look at him/her with a different eyes it’s a sin” It’s cheating. I knew I had to choose one person for sympathy. I truly loved him, but he had Christine… He’s not gay…  … and I didn’t pick him. It was a really tough choice. I really needed some time. I even stopped looking actors on TV at their crotches. It would have been a sin. From the beginning  of the school year I very rarely saw him. Not that I didn’t want, but I didn’t think much of it.

This summer he “revived” in my eyes. This time I wanted him as friend. He cares about other people and that’s a good sign. Not a long time ago he was sitting on his front stairs and while I and mum were passing, he was talking to his neighbour looking from the window. “What are you doing now? – the Devil asked. “I’m dressing up.” – was the response. He isn’t selfish. Doesn’t only talk about himself, his feelings and dislikes.

So there it is. You know something about him. Do you still believe in coincidence? (Start the next chapter.)

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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