Mission: Friendship

The quality I appreciate the most at the other people is the goodness. I used to appreciate the intelligence as the best feature and I was humiliating people in my mind, for example: he is low intelligent, he recalls things from the past if some connection was made recently – by other people or similar events. Precisely, that opinion refers to Michael. Some people really appreciate the beauty.

There was a kid (a teenager) who helped me in the school bus. He raised the seat up for me because I had nowhere to sit, all the other places were busy and the only free was the one next to the back door. I’ll call him D.. I realized his goodness the morning when there wasn’t a seat for him. He raised the seat and told me I to sit next to the window. I did that, (didn’t say to him “Thank you”) and I started to think how good he was. He was kidding with the other students about sex with their mothers, but he really had a pure soul. One day I saw him on the bike and I instinctively turned my head down. Why? Instinct, like I said. I was shy, I didn’t return him the favors. The point was I should have said “Hello”.

Another “kid” I wanted to be friend with was Ethan from my class. Back in the first grade he was the first person I sat with. I thought I still remember the moment, but I can’t remember who sat first. I believed I sat first and then he came with his mother. The desk was the third in the middle column and he sat from the left side. However, when Delia (daughter of my grandma’s sister) asked me “Which side are you sitting from? Maybe you are bumping each other because you’re a lefthander?” I think I said “No”. Anyway, I believe in the first version. We were sitting together and it was nice, then we got separated by the teacher, sat together again in the fourth grade and in the sixth grade until we weren’t argued. And the reason… Well, he started to come often at my place I to exercise him, mostly maths. I hated that, I thought he was just using me like other students from my class. Once I remember when he and his mother came at my house, I didn’t want to go out of the room because I was bored exercising him! I stepped behind the door and my mum was convincing me to get out. And I forgot his favors to me. Actually, his parents’ favors. When his father bought me the book Society for the fourth grade and when his mother gave me some yoghurt chocolate brought by her brother from Italy. Ah, life. We got mad at each other after grandma Rose told his mother that E. was moving from his place of sitting. Victoria (his mum) replied “The sun bothers him”. I wrote about this in “Users”. My point was: now I want us to be friends again but how can I get him know that? He writes homework from me, but we never speak about our lives, interests, wishes, plans, experiences, habits, male stuff as he does with his friends. In fact we are not friends, we’re just classmates. Since I wanted to get closer to him (second half of this year), I started to notice his contacts with other students and I compared them with his contacts with me. Once, after he spoke with Collins about some issue not related to school, I said to me: “He would rather contact with girls than gays”. Another time I noticed his “thank you” for the homework and I thought “I was offended with it”. You know when you feel someone closer you don’t say “thanks” (e.g. to your family, friends, even neighbours after some time) and I wanted us to be closer. Still want. How? We don’t even say “hello” when we see ourselves at the street. Ethan (“a” with passion – desire that was never completed). And I still remember his smile on the first day of the third grade on the door. He looked so innocent. Ironically the student who initially at the first year high school first sat with me, now sits with him and let’s say he’s E.’s best friend – the person I used to be in the past. There’s only one year left while we’re still at the same class, so I’ll see what’s gonna happen. I guess if I still want our friendship, God is gonna help me, although I don’t believe that a full friendship can be built in a year. Every little advance matters, especially when compared to the first state.

Together. The first thing that it comes to my mind after hearing this word is Ethan. We used to SIT TOGETHER. What do you think? What kind of end will have our story?

This year on my excursion to Italy I wanted to become friend with the student Ben Morgan “Benzy” (his artistic name). I knew him before. Last year he added me on Facebook, he started to act at “Zer” – a drama studio. Brenda (my classmate), also told Wilma (the Math professor) he was quiet, referred as Olivia’s son (Olivia was our Sociology professor). And so I realized the thing who he was. He published artistic photos and his authorial songs on Facebook. And yes, I saved several pictures to my PC. At the Lido di jesolo he was Darryl’s friend and he was interested in the German girls in our hotel. I don’t remember when I first started to like him, but I‘ll tell you everything I can remember. I wrote few notes on FB about our events, actually few references in one FB note on my second profile and thought I saved it as a working version but it was gone. Stupid me? God loves me and if I want something I believe He creates situation related to that stuff. I was in a 3-bedded room with Darryl, Steven and Marcus. One evening somebody knocked on the door. I went to open it as the others were busy or outside or gone, but the door was locked. I didn’t see the key, I went back. How naïve! Told them it was locked and I think Steven opened it. Do you guess? It was Ben. I don’t remember why, maybe to invite Darryl. I obviously was wondering why I didn’t open it. Sometimes I remember the question, not the answer and this time I remembered the beginning, not the ending.

To tell you I believe in luck, but the next event looked like gifted from God. That Tuesday in the morning we slept longer than needed and we missed the breakfast. When on the Monday I suppose Steven asked Marcus what time the alarm should ring, he said at 6. The breakfast was from 7. I assumed “He wants to be prepared” – shaving”. There was a silly blinds door for the terrace. And they descended it for the sleeping. We went to bed late (I guess after midnight). Of course some later than the others and when the time came I heard two ringtones, both of them extremely stupid. Marcus’s one was even cursed later in the bus. I’m laughing now! I thought somebody was phoning them and that I shouldn’t get involved in their private calls. How stupid! They acted even more stupid when they turned them off and got back to what else unless sleeping. I was awake, and I closed my eyes. I can’t immediately sleep when I want. I guessed that it was 4:30. Like always I didn’t realize when I fell asleep. The net thing I knew was “Wake up. It’s twenty to eight. We missed the breakfast” by Darryl. I got up instantly and got dressed and went to the bathroom to wash my hands, then Darryl was there, then I brushed my teeth. (I – Unorganized.) While I was sitting, I was thinking out my breakfast omitting. I love food and it was Italian and it was paid for me so why then (deep breathing now)… Later I found out by Irene it was bread, ham, cheese, margarine and marmalade. Ashley said that only our room didn’t come to breakfast that morning. The next two days the breakfast was the same with milk and stuff in it. In the Wednesday morning (certainly we didn’t repeat the same mistake. I forgot to say why my phone didn’t ring – I have already put it in the bag – not to be stolen) I guess others were taking their personal morning care or preparing for Florence or lying in bed, someone knocked or called (don’t remember) on the door. I opened it – it was Ben. Oh what a luck. This was one more proof for me that God exists. He asked: “Did those get up?” I confirmed and stepped back, then turned around and walked, making space for him to enter. Again, I don’t remember what they talked. I thought of God. Mum told Sue (the professor, a former colleague of her) that she prepared me kifli for the journey and if I hadn’t eaten, Sue would have said to me: “Let me try from the Leslie’s kifli.”

At first, I didn’t eat, but Sue was asking me for the food, but she refused ‘cos she has eaten. When she finally told Ashley I to give her, I gave her the little bag. However, she only took 3 or 4 and returned it to me. I offered the students surrounding me. I offered to Irene. She didn’t take. Ben was there standing. Imagine from all the students who sat at the second half of the bus, it had to be him to come near me and talk to his friends. I forgot to mention that Sue gave the bag to Darryl to return it to me. He did that and I didn’t give him one. I expressed my regret to Irene. And she called him and asked him if he wants. He said “No. Actually give me one.” I knew the reason he wanted to take from me: because he wants the next time he offers me I to take from him. He took one. I told you there was Ben and I recalled his FB photo with kifli and while I was holding the bag I said to him “Take.”. He said “No”. Again I said “Take”. I thought he was shy and he wanted to eat kifli. (Oh, God why some people can’t understand my good intentions? It just comes from the heart, because I care about him.) He replied “No. I can’t.” I put the little bag back in my black bag. It was like a door closed to me. Got refused. Offended. Why didn’t he want to take from me? I thought I was the problem. Me. We weren’t so close. Weren’t close at all. Later I heard Ben saying that there were some periods when he wanted to eat and some when he didn’t. It kind of consoled me. It was different. I connected that with his previous claiming that there are periods when he wants to learn English and vice versa. Probably he learnt that word (period) from his mother. And once on my second FB profile I wrote “Everything depends from the mood.” Now I added to my mind “and from the period”. And it is true. I wonder if the genes could be added to that sentence. And circumstances, of course. I think it was that day when we were supposed to go out from the bus. Barbara G. was in front of me and Ben was from the opposite side. Ben gave advantage to Barbara to exit first, touching her back. Sequently, he did the same to me. And this was not a coincidence. It could have been anyone from the back of the bus, but God wanted it to be him. Another, let’s say event with him was a morning in our room again. This time when we packed, he entered with a girl and he took a photo of Darryl with his digital camera and I’m not sure but I think he took another photo left from Darryl. And guess what, he rotated his camera for few degrees and… he took a photo of me! OMG. This IS something.

We left from Lido di jesolo on Thursday morning. We were supposed to be in the bus at 8. When I left my luggage there was some time left and I wanted to take a walk to the hotel (“Venice” – not a convenient name for a hotel from that class) to see it for the last time and… No, no, no! It wasn’t that time. I’ve got distracted. So, when I left the hotel with the luggage I took a wrong path. I saw the professor Zack coming back on that road to the hotel, but he said nothing to me. I thought the bus was near there, but it was a wrong bus. And not that I haven’t realized that, I just wanted to assure myself. And as I was walking someone called me and told me “This way”. I turned around, those were three guys leaving with their stuff. One of them was Ben. Considering the previous events, the probability that he‘d have called me wasn’t low. We travelled on a ship and we visited Venice. Back in the bus Ashley N. demanded my cell phone to transfer the photos of her to her phone. The next moment Ben was there, my phone was on her legs and she was looking photos from some digital camera, probably Ben’s. I wished she had looked at my photos, so B. could have seen them. Even that thing happened. She was looking them and because there was or were stain(s) from the chocolate on my phone, Ben torn a piece of paper from the bag next to the seat where the garbage was and he cleaned my cell. I saw the whole situation and he looked at me and said: “It was dirty from chocolate”, I said “Good”. What could I say other than that? OK, “Thank you”. I noticed he was looking my photos as well. And when somebody with her arm reaching the next seat hampered the phone screen to him, he moved his head to the front to continue looking. I was contented. Later Sarah told me I had movie pictures. I love photography. I mean art. I draw really bad, but the colours, the shapes, the perspectives really impress me. I think certain level of real life could be found in any picture. Do the lines (really) exist when we see things? If yes, can they be fat?

I forgot to say I had previous “contacts” with Ben on the trip. Well, the first night when we were almost everybody gathered on a terrace of the hotel, Barbara and later other girls were asking me about the drinking. The thing was I didn’t want to drink because I didn’t give money for it. In fact I later realized that everybody who drank brought his drink there. While the girls were asking me and convincing me to drink, Ben was there and he said “Why are you so shy?”. I realized he asked me a question, but a girl had questioned me sth before him and I had to answer to her. And I so wanted to reply to him. What would have been the response I wonder? “Because I didn’t pay for the drinks.” One more situation was when I entered in a room and I was supposed to wait for someone (Oh, Jesus why I can’t remember who?), he was sitting on a bed, and a girl told me I to sit. I didn’t want. It was somebody else’s bed. Then he said “Sit”. I sat. I was sitting next to him. It is like a poor person praising a rich person. Unfortunately, shortly after, he stood up. Obviously he realized I was hanging out with girls more than boys. Why am I shy? So why don’t you be the one who will “open” me to the “world”?

As a conclusion I want to add that – I want to be friend with boys more than girls, but who asks me? It’s just the sub conscience that makes me more relaxed when I’m with girls. – Some people say that being gay is a matter of choice. It isn’t. Maybe there was a choice before I was born – by God or the devil but certainly it’s NOT my choice. It’s like when you’re born you don’t decide about your gender, about your intelligence or your parents and your place and race, you’re just born that way. Can you change it? Let me see: gender – you can, intelligence – hardly and gradually, and the parents – can’t. What about sexuality? According to me – No. Not just because I read it on the Internet, but because I felt it. It’s like you have your memory replaced. You are able to create imaginary events but they ARE NOT REAL. I know when a girl is sexy but it just doesn’t attract me. Now the question why boys as friends? Sharing the same gender they can easily understand you – you don’t have to use sentences instead of words. They can speak to me about any subject, not like girls. They don’t have to hide when they change their clothes. I can compare my appearances with them. Yes, maybe they blink less, smile less, talk less, and have less emotions, but having a buddy…

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About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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