Somewhere to start from

Two years ago I started to write diary, but I gave up after two days. It was boring to me to write about what I have done, where I have been or who has come to my place. It was winter and I walked with my uncle Michael, Billy and his uncle Zack. I wrote four pages for the first day.

When I write something I want it to be with feelings – how did some situation affect to me, what was I thinking before that happened, how I should react… Is there always a third factor and do circumstances always exist? I’m writing this in English so that my family wouldn’t understand it. I know I’m gonna make mistakes, (a lot! Especially spelling) but hope no one of the close people to me won’t read it (they can’t). Maybe I don’t want it to be diary. I want it to be space where I can express my opinions freely. I just wanted to start, but I remembered a thing that I was about to write about starting: I don’t want to be led by rules. I don’t always want to start from the beginning. It’s not interesting. Sometimes I connect the subject with my previous attitudes or events about that and I start to write nervous, questioning myself: Why? How? … We learn from mistakes (unless we forget them) but the circumstances tend to be different every time!

OK, two deaths happened today. A former habitant from Zlox – Sam and my mother’s colleague’s mother. Neither of them I knew personally. I mean I did see Sam’s car and I may have seen him, but I never spoke with him.

My morning started as usual. I woke up before 10 (9:40 let’s say). Watched “Finally weekend”. Uncle didn’t come, so I and my mother went to his place. We laid on the bed again. He and mum went “downtown”, I stayed longer. I wanted to go when a new TV series “Sheena” on Sitel started. During the show uncle Michael came, told something to grandma (she was surprised) and he took a pill. Before I leave I asked grandma what happened and I understood her the policemen came. I went home, mum left at grandma’s and her mobile phone rang. It was Darren and my grandma Rose answered. They talked. Later Rose told me Sam died in a car accident near or in Banbap. <I am not a sensitive person when others come in question.> I didn’t cry. Later Liza called – again explanation from grandma and after I finished watching “Ugly Betty” on FOX Life, I sat on the Internet for hours (FB). Mum came and left to her friend Beatrice’s house. She told me she called Michael to come here (he was sitting outside). He refused. In the evening I wanted to go out as it was Saturday and I had no shows on TV. Mum didn’t want to go at first, however we (including dad) went out. Greg called me to go out with him, I refused. I told mum I was shy and they were gonna ask me I said “This wasn’t planned”, Greg asked me for tomorrow, I said “I don’t know. I’ll think.” And do not forget Michael was with us. When Greg left, I told mum I won’t be home tomorrow. I don’t know. I don’t want. I came home, talked with mum about going out and about Michael. Now I’m writing this and it’s 00:55!

There are so many subjects to write about. I kind of think maybe I’m losing time with the daily report. Maybe it’s time to focus on a specific topic.


About Real real me

Writing a diary. Life is a FIGHT!
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